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Harlem Runs: Novel to be? Would you read?



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Sun Oct 26, 2008 5:31 pm
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MeganJ2012 says...



Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject: New Story line, yay or nay?

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Okay Well I got a new story line, Kind of one of my first, but in a way not really. The first I'm acting on i guess ,but its a story that I can relate to and a story that I can make my own. But its sorta orignal. But here is goes;;


Harlem Isabelle Reese is a 15 year old girl who lives in Mayberry [an imaginary country]. This small country is ruled by not a goverment, but a King and Queen who happens to be Harlem's grandparents. One night, Grandma Reese dies of a sudden heart failure, and Harlem's family is left to reign over Mayberry, making her the new Princess of Mayberry. From the outside looking in, She has the perfect family, A beautiful mother, a rich father [he's royal, he has to be rich], and adorable little sister, but sometimes everything isn't what it seems. Harlem lives in a dangerously abusive home, This pain being cause by her own father. But what is Harlem to do? Her father is king of her country! And besides, nobody would believe her anyways. Her father is a well respected and she is just a mere teenager, going through her raging teenager horomones. Harlem stays quite and is only allowed to go home. Once she gets home, She can not leave. She is held hostage in her own room after threatening to spill the family secret. Her window is borded up and the doors locked shut from the outside in.
One day during School, she meets a new student and has been insisted upon showing him around the school. What happens when sparks fly and enough is enough? Theirs nothing to do, but Run..

Presenting, Harlem Runs.

=D. Whatcha think?
  





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Sun Oct 26, 2008 8:41 pm
SaraAnne says...



hey - wow.
at first, when you were like, small country, monarchy, they just happen to be her grandparents i was like.....hmmm....eugh. BUT THEN - you added in the bit about the abusive family and it turned it around. It looks really interesting. I would read it.
  





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Sun Oct 26, 2008 11:34 pm
Minerva Scriptor says...



I like it. It sounds really interesting and original, and is something that I would read!
I never tell anybody exactly how clever I am.
They would be too scared. ~Artemis Fowl

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Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:26 am
danster724 says...



Well no, I'm sorry it's not a ey original idea. The basic premise of a girl becoming a princess because someone dies, has been used over and over again. Being locked in the castle is a cleche' derived straight from rapunzel making this story sound a bit corny (I'm sorry) though the ide of trying to escape from a powerful ruler to expose his abuse is interesting. I suggest you take the King and Queen castle cleche' crap out, and change it to a political thing, and make the fater be making secret deals with the russian mob or something. Then it makes the story much more original even though your only changing some slight things, and it doesn't sound as riddiculosly cleche'. I think many of these ideas are good even though I speak harshly so maybe just take some ajustments and try it.
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Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:32 pm
sibyis says...



In my opinion, it doesn't really matter if it's cliche or not.
People tend to forget that everything cliche is cliche because it's good. Because something was good, everyone wanted to use it, and thus it became cliche.
I guess your story line is fine even if it's cliche, for it does have some interesting components. It all depends on how you handle the situation and how unique your writing style is.
Here: "One day during School, she meets a new student and has been insisted upon showing him around the school. What happens when sparks fly and enough is enough? Theirs nothing to do, but Run.. "
You should elaborate more, because she doesn't seem to have a lot of motivation. Motivation is the driving force behind all the character's actions! Without well defined, well developed motivations, your story will seem flat and boring, no better than a collection of random events.
  





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Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:03 am
righting says...



I enjoyed the read, and it has a nice flow to it.
Always looking for a good book to read.
  





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Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:13 am
Emerson says...



Hello there!

Please don't post threads with letters that are in all caps LIKE THIS because it is annoying, and hurts peoples eyes, and simply not cool. So I fixed them for you. :)

If you have any questions feel free to Pm me!
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Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:31 am
LoveableLittleSock says...



Hey hey!

1) King and Queen rulership is a monarchy sweetheart, and every country has a governmet. Don't make the story more complicated than it alreadu is.

2) I love the last line - Harlem Runs =]

3) Princess? You're kidding me, right? And she goes to school. And her father boards her up and abuses her.. As people have said, it IS cliche, but I'll just be contradicted for saying that XD But, it doesn't make any sense. The reasons for nobody listening to her are out-right stupid, and situations like that today are considered dead serious. She's boarded up in her home - uh huh. Not suspicious at all, nope. And as princess of freakin' Mayberry, won't the press be all over her 24/7?

4) When does this take place? Is she a modern day fairy princess or from the dark ages?

5) Would I read this? No. I don't like anything with princesses or abuse that seems way to fake. But it was said before that if the storyline was executed well enough that the story could turn out well, despite the plot being terribly cliche. But your summary tells a whole bunch about how you would write it - "But my father abuses me!" "You're just a teenager with raging hormones! PSSH!" -- "Harlem walked into school and into her first class, taking a seat in the front row. Her eyes scanned the room and fell upon a boy she hasn't seen before... *la la la la la* and she was forced to show him around school. He's pretty cute.."

DUDE!
Princesses DON'T GO TO SCHOOL
You're making this a cliche high school drama
with abuse and royalty mixed in!
No!

But don't make my comments stop you. If you ever write this story, make sure you PM me =]

~*Sara*~
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Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:38 pm
SaraAnne says...



danster724 wrote:Well no, I'm sorry it's not a ey original idea. The basic premise of a girl becoming a princess because someone dies, has been used over and over again.


Wouldn't that be because taking the throne when someone dies is the basic premise of inheritance? :wink:
  





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Wed Nov 05, 2008 9:43 pm
TheWordsmith says...



Princesses DON'T GO TO SCHOOL


Actually, some do.

About the story... it was interesting. I'd read it, but yes, you should add a few more things. Like, WHY won't people believe her? Is the king so nice and all in public? Did she never want this life? And about the media thing (or rather, no mention of media thing).... *shrugs* Hey, it's your book, but in reality the media would be ALL OVER someone like that.

Just a few more questions. Where is Mayberry? Like, is it on this Earth or a different universe altogether? And about Harlem herself- what is she like?
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