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Tue Oct 07, 2008 4:07 pm
seubank says...



I don't know if this got posted or not. I really need some help. Is this a good story? Would anybody my age be interested in it. Should I leave the story as is or take something out or split it into two different works?

A young girl is being abused by her stepdad. Her mom sends her to live with her grandma for a while. While at her grandma's house her grandma gives her a present. She tells her she can use it whenever she visits. It is a magic mirror. The mirror transports the person on the other side to another world. One day when her step dad is mad at her and after her she runs away to the city to her grandma's house. Once she gets to get grandma's house she goes down to the basement where the mirror and putting her hands on the glass she closes her eyes. When she opens her eyes she finds herself in another world. While in the world she meets and befriends a princess. The princess decides to adopt the girl whom she thinks is an orphan. The king makes the girl the princess' companion. One day(the princess' thirteenth birthday) when the girl and princess are out they discover a magical bird protected by fairies. They research the bird and learn it is the phoenix. The princess wants the phoenix so she can put it in a special cage and then in a room called the planetarium that is full of different kinds of exotic birds and animals and plants the princess has collected since she was a little girl. The girl and the princess go on a quest to get a net from a witch to capture the bird. They meet a boy on their journey who guides them to the land where the witch lives. The princess immediately likes the boy, but he is more interested in her companion, the girl. They capture the bird and put it in the princess' planeterium. One day when the girl is looking in a castle mirror she sees her mother looking back at her. She is crying. The girl touches the mirror and closes her eyes and is immediately transported back to the other side. She goes home and reunites with her mother. Her stepfather is no longer there. The mother and daughter have a happy home for three years until one day the stepfather returns and promises he is better. At first it seems true, but then one afternoon her stepfather arrives home after work and is drunk and in a bad mood. He starts acting like he used to. The girl and her mother leave and go to her grandmother's house. The girl wants to show her mother where she has been for the last eight years and goes down to the basement to see the mirror. To her dismay she finds out her grandma has put it in storage because of the harm it has already caused. She is sixteen now and can drive. She tracks down the mirror at a warehouse just outside of town. She takes the mirror out of storage and put her hands like she did before on the glass. When she opens her eyes she is back in the strange land. She runs into the princess again. This time the princess is running away too from her own wedding. When the princess sees the girl she is at first happy, then mad. She is mad because she feels the girl abandoned her and because she doesn't want the girl to take away the boy(the same boy she met on the journey) she likes. Over the last three years the princess has become spoiled and has developed a superior-than-others attitude. She now sees the girl as being less than she is because she isn't royalty. The princess is running away to meet the boy, and the girl follows along. When the boy sees the girl again his feelings for her return and intensify. The princess comes up with a plan that she doesn't tell the boy or girl and decides to return to the castle. On their journey back to the castle the boy and girl grow closer and the princess grows angrier and more determined. The girl returns to the planetarium when she gets to the castle to see the bird. She feels sorry for the bird and releases the phoenix. The princess has the girl imprisoned and then gets her wizard to turn the girl into a phoenix. The flies away after being turned into the bird. She must find a witch to turn her back into a human. She only has a year to find the witch, because at the end of the year is the beginning of the harvest and according to the legend the phoenix will die. The girl finds a good witch who cannot undo the spell completely. However she can give the girl until the beginning of the harvest. During that time the girl must end a life to save her own(a life for a life). The witch gives her poisoned blade.
The girl returns back to land not knowing what to do. Then she learns the princess is getting married. What's more she learns she is getting married to the same peasant boy that the girl liked(the boy from the journey).
The girl is sad and angry throughout the wedding. On the wedding night she sneaks into the royal bedroom and stands over the sleeping princess and boy. All the anger that she has felt over the years spills out and she moves towards the princess with blade in her hand. The princess doesn't wake up but the boy does and gasps when he sees the girl. The girl flees the room and the boy follows her outside the castle. Outside the girl realizes that dawn is nearing, but realizes she can't do it. The boy comes outside and takes her in his arms. He reallizes she is sad and holds her close. The girl turns into fiery red,gold,yellow, and orange leaves in his arms and the story ends with him watching her leaves blow off into the sun that is just beginning to come up over the horizon.
  





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Tue Oct 07, 2008 6:10 pm
seubank says...



I just wanted everyone who read my story to know its copyrighted. It's not that my story's the greatest or anything but I've been advised its safer that way if I was going to post my story on forums. The copyright protects your words and prevents others from using your words as their own. Thanks for understanding!
  





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Tue Oct 07, 2008 6:41 pm
ankhirke says...



What is the purpose of making the girl from our world? Why should she be transported through the mirror? How does her abuse play into the theme or the ending?

What does the girl want? What is her motivation? Why does she tag along with the princess to capture the phoenix in the first place?

What is the boy's motivation? Personality? Why does he marry the princess?

The princess doesn't seem very nice from the beginning. Is she supposed to?

Honestly, I'm not seeing a lot of character in this synopsis. It feels as if the MC is just being dragged along, without goals or motivation, or really a personality of her own. For instance, in the first, her mother sends her away, she doesn't run away herself; similarly, throughout the story, her path is determined by others. As well, her life with her parents doesn't seem connected to the main narrative. It needs to reflect, reinforce, or somehow contribute to your theme, otherwise, just make her a peasant from the magical world.

That said, the ending sounds beautiful, but would only be effective with proper character development.

~Annie
  








How can I be king of the world? Because I am king of rubbish. And rubbish is what the world is made of.
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane