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Story Idea. Does this sound halfway decent to you?



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Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:54 am
inkdragon says...



I'm currently planning a fantasy story. I haven't started writing it yet because there are some holes that need to be filled. But for now, I'd like your honest opinion about what I've got so far.

DISCLAIMER: Do not expect pretty prose in this entry. This is merely a brief, rough summary. I'll do my best to keep your interest, and apologize if my writing is boring at the moment.

The story takes place in a country called Jarek, a harsh dictatorship where supernaturally-gifted people (I'm trying to come up with a name for them) are either killed or forced to work for the government.
In a small village in Jarek, there lived a young girl named Ceil, orphaned and raised by her grandmother. When the people of the village discovered that Ceil had the ability to talk to animals, they plotted to kidnap and her and take her to the authorities, hoping to receive a reward. With the help of her grandmother she escapes to the mountains where she lives safely for a year.
One day, a group of wandering performers passes her way, lost. Ceil leads them out of the mountains and they ask her to join their troupe as a flute-player. (What is a flute-player called, anyway? Flutist?) Believing she was safe from those villagers who had tried to capture her, and longing for companionship and adventure, Ceil decides to join them.
Ceil proves to be a promising musician and a valuable member of the group. She befriends most of the members, including the handsome singer Ronan, who after discovering her ability to talk to animals confesses that he is one of the supernaturally gifted race too. He tells her of Aesta, an island populated and protected by supernaturally gifted refugees, where they could find sanctuary and grow stronger in their abilities. He says that he is only a member of the group of musicians so that he can raise the money to sail to Aesta, and invites Ceil to join him in his journey. She accepts, of course, desiring the freedom that Ronan was sure that Aesta would offer.
One of the troupe members, Naidene, is infatuated with Ronan, and is afraid that he and Ceil are in love. Jealous, she spies on Ceil, and discovers that she is supernaturally gifted. Naidene alerts the entire group, who decided not to turn her in to the government, but that for the safety of the group they should leave her behind. Soon, all but Ronan have abandoned Ceil.
Ronan and Ceil set out on their own in hopes to make it to Aesta. On the way they are pursued by Tekoa, a supernaturally gifted young man who works as a spy for the government, and other villains (who I haven't figured out yet, unfortunately :cry: ), who they fight off using their powers.
Yes...yes, they do fall in love. It's inevitable! <3
Deeply, truly, madly in love.
So deep is their love that when a group of soldiers come for Ceil (not knowing that Ronan had powers too), and they are too weak to fight anymore, Ronan refuses to leave her and confesses that he, too, has powers.
The young couple are taken to prison, but they escape (I haven't yet figured out how, but I'm sure it will be wicked cool). After one final, climactic battle against Tekoa and his sister (whose name I can't remember for the life of me!), Ceil and Ronan escape Jarek and to the freedom of Aesta at last.

That's what I have so far.
Is it halfway decent?
If not, suggestions would be most appreciated.

Thank you very much.

--inkdragon
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Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:08 am
Krupp says...



This sounds like a great start to the story...So I can't really say anything about it plot-wise. My only thing is that you really get deep into the background of the tale. And when I say that, I mean that we're gonna want to know EVERYTHING about the protagonists, espeically when they're under fire. What makes them the way they are? What dark secrets are they witholding from everyone but themselves?

You get the idea. Good luck with what you've got, friend.
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Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:09 am
dreaming_in_poetry says...



I quite like it so far! Of course, I would need to read the actually story first... But the plot sounds promising.

DISCLAIMER: Do not expect pretty prose in this entry. This is merely a brief, rough summary. I'll do my best to keep your interest, and apologize if my writing is boring at the moment.

That's perfectly fine, it is a summary after all.

Ceil leads them out of the mountains and they ask her to join their troupe as a flute-player. (What is a flute-player called, anyway? Flutist?)

Flutist is the correct term

Tekoa and his sister

Okay, I'll admit that I'm looking forward to this bit the most. Brother-sister teams are an oddity in fantasy. I like. I also seem to always lean towards the villians anyways...

I like the names too. They are original without being impossible to pronounce.\

Why are the supernaturally gifted people hunted, btw? Is there some nefarious plot to use them as weapons of war, or do people just fear them?
  





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Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:19 am
Bickazer says...



The story seems interesting, but at the same time...a bit uncompelling. The plot's a fairly generic one, but I can definitely see you making it work.

The main issue I have is with the main character, Ceil--currently she seems, forgive me, like a bit of a Mary Sue. She can talk to animals, she befriends people easily, she's pursued by villagers who're prejudiced against her, she has a romantic rival who gets all jealous and sells her out...it all adds up to make her seem a bit Sue-ish. My first suggestion would be changing her power--she has to have one to make the plot work, but talking to animals is a bit...Disney Princess ish. Give her a more unique, perhaps more dangerous power...like...hell, I can't think of one right now. >_> Something to make her seem a little less "pure and perfect".

And also, is there a drawback, maybe, to having these superpowers? Like--I feel terrible for using an anime as an example, but...in the anime/manga Gakuen Alice, one of the main drawbacks of the superpowers (called "Alices") is simply how powerful they are. Simply put, it's possible to have an extremely powerful Alice, but using it too often will eventually cause you to die. Conversely, some powers eventually fade away as the bearer ages, while the most common types of powers can be used forever but at a much weaker level. It'd be interesting applying a concept like that to your superpowers; it could help make them different than just generic supernatural abilites.

You say "forced to join the government"...but what if some people actually want to work for the government? Maybe the government protects them better than if they were wandering on their own? This would certainly make sense, given the way the common villagers treat Ceil. 'Tis but a thought...

I personally prefer more darkly written fiction, but I certainly wouldn't suggest anything to take away from the idealistic tone you seem to have set. Still, the idealism seems almost a bit...overdone...at times. Add more darkness and conflict to the story, without removing the idealistic atmosphere--just focus on crafting realistic, three-dimensional people (yes, this applies even to those on the government side; very few people are genuinely 100% evil, and the same goes for being good), and intensify the conflict, while making the fantasy land and concepts more believable. You definitely have something interesting here, but the challenge is to refine it some (in particular, come up with villains!) and make it more real for your readers.

A few last notes (sorry, this is rambling...)--the name "Jarek". Um. Well, it makes me think about that movie Labyrinth. You know, the one with David Bowie in it. Also, I notice you say you've forgotten the names of some of your characters...no, I'm not going to lecture you, because guess what--I've done that before too. It's mostly because I compose everything in my head before writing it down, and sometimes I go for weeks imagining it but when it comes down to comitting it to paper I sometimes end up forgetting my own characters' names! So don't sweat. :)
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Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:19 pm
inkdragon says...



Thanks to everyone who read/responded to my post! You were all very helpful, and I will be back later to reply more thoroughly when I have more time.

*phew* I was worried I'd wake up and no one would have responded! Thanks to everyone (especially Bickazer, who was very informative)!
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Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:49 pm
inkdragon says...



The main issue I have is with the main character, Ceil--currently she seems, forgive me, like a bit of a Mary Sue.


:shock: MARY SUE? There will be no Mary Sue in my story!
*grabs Ceil and puts a gun to her head*

Would it help if I elaborated more on her character? There really is more to her than was explained in my brief summary.

She can talk to animals...my first suggestion would be changing her power--she has to have one to make the plot work, but talking to animals is a bit...Disney Princess ish. Give her a more unique, perhaps more dangerous power...like...hell, I can't think of one right now. >_> Something to make her seem a little less "pure and perfect".



Interesting...I can still change her power, as I haven't even started writing yet. But does the fact that Ceil doesn't exactly SPEAK to animals, but rather communicates telepathically with them, make her seem less like a Disney character?

On that note, Ceil is neither pure nor perfect. She is headstrong, tends to act before thinking, impatient, and can get angered/frustrated easily. Yeah, she can be nice and has good qualities. But she's just as human as anyone else.

If Ceil still seems too Mary Sue-ish still, I'll just give her an extreme personality makeover! 8)

Give her a more unique, perhaps more dangerous power...


Hmm...if only I could think of one! I still want her to talk to...er, I mean...communicate with animals, but at the same time I've been thinking I SHOULD make her more dangrous. mwwahaaa...

And also, is there a drawback, maybe, to having these superpowers? Like--I feel terrible for using an anime as an example, but...in the anime/manga Gakuen Alice, one of the main drawbacks of the superpowers (called "Alices") is simply how powerful they are. Simply put, it's possible to have an extremely powerful Alice, but using it too often will eventually cause you to die. Conversely, some powers eventually fade away as the bearer ages, while the most common types of powers can be used forever but at a much weaker level. It'd be interesting applying a concept like that to your superpowers; it could help make them different than just generic supernatural abilites.


I hadn't thought of that. That's a good idea!

"Jarek". Um. Well, it makes me think about that movie Labyrinth. You know, the one with David Bowie in it. Also, I notice you say you've forgotten the names of some of your characters...no, I'm not going to lecture you, because guess what--I've done that before too. It's mostly because I compose everything in my head before writing it down, and sometimes I go for weeks imagining it but when it comes down to comitting it to paper I sometimes end up forgetting my own characters' names! So don't sweat.


Darn, someone's already used that name! >_<
Oh well, I can come up with something better...I hope!

Hehe, MOST of the characters do have names! They were just all written in my journal up in my room and I didn't feel like brining it down.


Thank you very much for your critique! *shakes hand*
Wish me luck. This is a big step for me. It's been too long since I've actually finished a story and I'm gonna commit myself to this one.
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Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:05 am
Bickazer says...



Glad you found my comments helpful; I always try to be as big a help as I can. :)

Well, the key to making Ceil not a Mary Sue has less to do with her personality and more to do with how the story itself perceives her. Does everything revolve around her? And is she always right (i.e., the story ALWAYS agrees with her viewpoint and implies everything she thinks is absolutely correct?) That, IMHO at the very least, is the greatest indicator of Sueism. You can definitely make Ceil's purity and animal-communication skills work out so long as she's a fully-realized, three-dimensional character who doesn't steal the show and makes blunders like the rest of us.

I'm still a bit leery about the whole communicate-with-animals thing; handled badly, it could come across as...incredibly cheesy and contrived, and it's not a terribly original ability. But this may just be my personal prejudices speaking, so never mind me. I'd love to see more in-depth profiles of your characters though, that'd certainly help before I make snap judgments based on a brief treatment. :)

Wish me luck. This is a big step for me. It's been too long since I've actually finished a story and I'm gonna commit myself to this one.


In doing that, you show yourself as far nobler a person than I of-the-one-thousand-unfinished-stories. XD I wish you plenty of luck in your endeavors.

EDIT: Oh no, it's not exactly the name "Jarek" that's been used before, but David Bowie's character in Labyrinth was called "Jareth", which is a bit similar for my tastes. And something about the name Jarek itself just doesn't...jive with me. Sounds more like a boys' name (odd mash 'tween Jared and Derek) than the name of a country. But that's just me.
Last edited by Bickazer on Fri Aug 29, 2008 12:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 1:24 pm
inkdragon says...



Well, the key to making Ceil not a Mary Sue has less to do with her personality and more to do with how the story itself perceives her. Does everything revolve around her? And is she always right (i.e., the story ALWAYS agrees with her viewpoint and implies everything she thinks is absolutely correct?) That, IMHO at the very least, is the greatest indicator of Sueism.



Ah, that makes sense! I'll beware of that.



I love how as soon as I commit myself to one story my friend talks me into writing another story with him. (No, actually I don't...not at all.) I've been finding myself distracted from this one because I'm trying to focus on mine and his project (grammatically correct?), which is hard because he and I are communicating via Internet. *sigh*

Ay, caramba...this is going to be harder than I thought.

Regardless, I will be working on this one and will update y'all when I've made some more progress.

Could I ask some people in this forum to every once in a while PM me asking me how this story is coming along? Just to make sure I stay on track. Because I reallyreallyreally want to actually FINISH something for once! If some of y'all could do that that would be glorious.

Thanks mucho.

--inkdragon
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Sun Sep 14, 2008 5:32 pm
TheWordsmith says...



Did you know that the name/word "Ronan" means a warrior without a master? (think samurai without a damyo.)

And I like the whole supernatural-powers thing... it may be because I write in that genre too. :D The plot was pretty good, but a bit generalized, especially towards the end. Of course, that may just be me.

Hm, annoying you about how the book is going to keep you on track? That may be fun... muhahaha.
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Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:59 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



[annoying] So, how's the book coming? [/ annoying]

Ooh, I like the idea. I agree with what Bickazer said mostly about Mary-Sues. The thing is, you can write the most cliched character in the world and if you do it well, no one knows. It's the badly written cliched character that get the "Mary-Sue" or "Gary-Stu" titles. Make the character likable and everyone will love her.

What's the reason behind this hatred of the supernatural-powered people? Was there some uprising? Do people fear them because they're different (ala "X-Men") or is it that the eeeevil overlord is supernatural himself and doesn't want to share his power? I'm interested in the meanings behind this persecution. It might make for interesting reading.

David Bowie's character in Labyrinth was called "Jareth"


*squee* Fangirl here and I noticed the same thing (similarity between "Jarek" and "Jareth." You can use whatever name you like, but just keep in mind that if it rings bells in a reader's mind with something different, they're probably going to think of the other thing, rather than your story. Naming a character "Bob" is alright (there are a million "Bob"s out there) but when the name is so unusual and iconic (*coughGoblinKingcough*) it's likely to be noticed and commented on. So, yeah, I'd find some other name.

*thumbs up* Good luck!

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Sat Sep 20, 2008 5:40 pm
Spirrus says...



I like the sound of it, but something bothers me about Ceil's power :?

I don't know, maybe make it something much more deadly, something that would give her government more of a reason to chase after her.

'ZOMG! She talks to animals! Crucify here!'

Yeah, sounds a little silly. Don't take this as anything against you, I'm just giving my honest opinion, hope I helped :D
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