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Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:27 am
Turntable Jack says...



Well, I after posting some parts of my novel I am working on, I have decided I don't want anyone reading it until it is ready to be revised. So before I lock myself in a room with the novel, I want some quick feedback on the idea / plot.


The novel is told in 1st person by a high-school grad entering the adult world (sorta). The book starts off on the morning of the last day of school, and the first few chapters go through this day. The character experiences several girls flirting with him and one gives him a note he forgets about until later in the book, but he ignores them as he has a girlfriend. Later that day, his girlfriend breaks up with him after 3 years.

A few weeks later, the main character moves to phily and gets there via train. He explores Philadelphia for awhile and meets a few other characters and his apartment neighbor. He meets up with past girls he has known and etc, etc, etc. (lots of mini stories here...)

(this is where the story picks up) He reads a note from the girl that states his girlfriend is getting abused. He goes back to his city, and finds out who is abusing her. He confronts him later on and ends up killing him. He hitchhikes back to Philadelphia and goes to a safehouse to stay.

(at this point in the story, you realize the main character is very neurotic and has something wrong with him, and something about the story doesn't make sense at all.) One night, he wakes up and doesn't realize where he is at. Then he hears a knock at the door and a family is there. They are shocked to see a kid living at their house. He runs out of the house and sees the girl he gave him the note. However, something about there conversation strikes him as odd and unbelievable. He goes to a park near by, and realizes that he himself is neurotic and something about all of the situation is not right. Based on clues throughout the book, he learns that the girl wasn't real, characters aren't real, the note wasn't real, his apartment neighbor wasn't real, the safehouse was just a house whose family was on vacation.

He goes to a police station to confess a murder. Then one final twist in the novel. The person he murdered wasn't real either. He is diagnosed with schizophrenia and writes the novel to promote awareness for schizophrenia. He finds out his former girlfriend was pregnant and gave birth to his son while he was in a mental institution. And he lives with her and his son. The end



And I am taking this novel very seriously, so I am reading up on schizophrenia a lot. I have already talked to psychologist to make sure schizophrenia could explain everything that occurred in the book. I am also taking a week long trip next week with my girlfriend to Philadelphia. WE are going to explore the city and take hundreds of photos.

And sorry for the awful summary (you try summarizing a novel in a few paragraphs in a minute or two). I just want to know if this is something you would want to read and purchase if you saw it on a bookshelf. And don't judge my writing at all by this post or my poetry i have posted here. My writing in the novel is very different. I just want the storyline judged.

Thank you
  





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Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:36 am
BigBadBear says...



This seems like a really interesting story. I would most definitely read it. Is it totally complete? It sounds insanely awesome. I love the twist at the end.

He goes to a police station to confess a murder.


Wait a minute. He goes and confesses about the murder that... he did? I need a little bit of clarification here.

It sounds really cool. I wanna read it as soon as you post it.

Ah! Another thing:

He reads a note from the girl that states his girlfriend is getting abused.


Is this the note that he neglected to read beforehand? And if she had been abused for a long time... wow. That must be a really cool part.

PM me if you ever decide to post this. I want to read it.

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:52 am
Turntable Jack says...



thanks for the self-esteem boost.

Yea, a girl at the begging of the book gives him a note he forgets to read until late in the book. That states his girlfriend is getting abused. When he reads the note he goes back and murders the abuser.

He then later realizes that the girl who gave him the note doesn't exist, therefore the note doesn't exist, and therefore the abusing didn't exist. So he goes to confess the murder he committed as he feels guilty for killing an innocent person. It turns out the he never even murdered anyone as that person didn't exist.

And the book isn't complete yet, I don't expect it to be done until later this year as I want it to be very good and complete before I want people to revise it and proofread it.

As soon as it is done, I will post the rough copy here and tell you I posted it. Thanks a lot
  





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Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:51 am
chocoholic says...



I actually think I might enjoy this. Because of my mum's job, I know a lot about scizophrenia, so if you need any help, I can probably tell you the answer (not an expert, but my mum knows quite a bit).

Let me know if you need any help or post it, I'd like to read it.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
  





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Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:59 pm
Ohio Impromptu says...



The thing about this story is that if there is a single thing wrong with the way it is written, the whole thing could come undone. I haven't read any of your writing, so I don't know how talented you are, but something like this requires more effort and planning and care and whatever else a good writer needs. You're going to make sure that every detail is how you want it. A clumsy sentence at a crucial moment, a detail revealed at an inopportune moment, a character that doesn't fit, anything like that could bring it all down. But like I said, perhaps you are capable of this.

The moment I think you're going to have the most difficulty with is revealing that the character wrote the novel to promote awareness of mental health issues. It's not the sort of thing that you can make gradual, so you're left with the only option of having to hit the reader with it all at once. And for me, that would totally change my opinion of everything I had just read. The novel sounds dark and gritty, with true struggles and internal conflict throughout, so as soon as you announce that the character is writing about his ordeal to promote awareness, it loses it's edge. There's no mood left, just a guy who dealt with his problems well enough to tell others about them. I'm sorry for having to do this, but I think it's something you'll encounter once you finish the first draft and start editing. The difference in tone from beginning to end won't flow properly.

But like I said, maybe you can pull it off. I don't see how, but you obviously know the intricacies of your story better than I do, and maybe there's something really obvious staring me in the face that I'm not getting. Write your story, and I'll critique it if I can catch it. I'm looking forward to finding out how you manage it.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't read it. That's a personal opinion thing, so don't get disheartened. Obviously other people said they would read it, so you should remember that.

Good luck.
Gone, gone from New York City,
where you gonna go with a head that empty?
Gone, gone from New York City,
where you gonna go with a heart that gone?
  





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Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:59 pm
Turntable Jack says...



yea, thanks. I plan on revising this novel sentence by sentence, and I think I can pull the end off. I have some ideas, but that is something I can't decide on until I am there.

Thanks though, I love to hear everyone's opinion and the tough ones are the best.
  





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Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:40 pm
freewriter says...



I would soooo buy this if its published it sounds insanley,ooberly awesome story
  





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Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:45 pm
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Eimear says...



This sounds great. Really. You seem to have it all worked out, now just do it, don't sicken yourself with the novel or you'll end up hating it. Write it, stay away from it, go back to it. Keep doing that until you feel satisfied, as best you can.

A peice of advice.

Can you sum up the story in a few words?

What's the title? Have you got one?

Luck,

Eimear
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde.
  





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Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:39 pm
Turntable Jack says...



I know I shouldn't be thinking of the title yet. But I keep on thinking what it should be. I was thinking something like "A Boy Named Jack." However, if anyone has any suggestions on this, tell me. A title is something I don't mind getting from the community.


Also, thanks for the support. I haven't worked on it in a few days and it is time to get back to work. If I get this published, i would be more grateful than anyone else if some of you supported it.
  








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