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Young Writers Society


Shattered Crowns



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Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:15 pm
Spotswood says...



I need a critique on the plot mostly, to see how solid you all think it is.

So the story switches between eight PoV's, which may seem daunting, but each story arc is interconnected. (I will spare you all of the chapters, as some of them are rather insignificant in the greater scheme of things. Mind you, this whole summary isn't supposed to be written well. It's just supposed to get the point across. Sorry that it is long.

Following the prologue that centers on the rangers Norbit and Robin and the attack on the Westford (my prologue is already posted) the story shifts and follows Gregor, the four-year old son of Wylfred Windstorm and grandson of Char Windstorm, first in line to the throne of Albion (his seventy something year old mother is still the queen). He awakens from his sleep after having a nightmare, in actuality being a vision of the events that had unfolded in the prologue. After an encounter with one of the knights after trying to leave his room, Gregor dresses himself and goes down to breakfast along with his "cousin", simply known as "Bastard" (who is, in actuality Norbit's son after he had an affair with the queen of Boraelgrasp, who was a Windstorm). At breakfast Gregor notices his father and grandfather fighting, but a letter arrives summoning the princes to court at Tutor Palace in Lordium to meet the queen.

Once there, where they also meet Char's brother who came back from fighting the Tarans on Swan's Neck, the queen informs them that the Emperor of the Caenterian Alliance (A Holy Roman Empire/EU type federation) has died of natural causes and that the Lyght of the West (Papal/Priest King) is looking to appoint a new one, the old having had no sons of his own (this world takes place in a paralel world to ours, mirroring modern day but in a medieval/rennaisance setting).

The book then switches over to Lord Stewart Fortman, the king of Boraelgrasp while he is on a hunt. His son, Jakob, gets separated from the group and Stewart and his eldest son, Wyl, track him down and see that he is trying to fend off a group of bandits and so they kill them. As it turns out Jakob has killed the stag that they were pursuing.

Switching over to Jakob (who is close to celebrating his fourteenth birthday), the next chapter centers on his character development and interactions with his family at Wynterholde, the castle that overlooks the capital of Wynter's End. The next few chapters of both he and Stewart focus on their further character development.

Next is about Stewart's brother Daegar, en route to Wynter's End for the Yule's Mass celebration and it is implied that he had something to do with the robbers, but it isn't clear.

The next few chapters center of Lelia, the young lover of the wayward true king of Gaulia, his ancestors having fled to the Occidean Republic across the sea several hundred years before; the warlock advisor to a king, responsible for the prologue events; Mathias, the Lyght of the West's son, just having been made a member of the Knights Paladin; and Allistair, a sixteen year old noble who reluctantly joins the Order of the Wards.

A friend of Stewart's in Kingsgate (the Imperial city in "Italy" where the Lyght's and Emperor's respective seats are located) reccomends that he should come and make an attempt to become emperor, but he refuses and instead sends Daegar in his place, also sending four of his children with him as his wards, including Wyl (his eldest daughter is also interested in being married off to Mathias).

The next chapters mainly focus on Allistair, Jakob, and Lelia occasionally, while a few are based on Daegar's and Wylfred's respective journies to Kingsgate. Once there they are civily introduced to the other contenders for emperor, the not-so-nice king of Espis (along with his grandson Cedwick who actually makes friends with the Fortman children), and a woman, the Queen of Grecador.

In the meantime Allistair is travelling to Crossroads, the ancient citadel/city of the Wards, but he makes a stop in Arandelle Fjord, the capital of Copenisle, for the order's scout to find more recruits as well as for Allistair's cousin, Jaycen, to disembark there because Albus and Copenisle have recently made peace (and part of the negotiation was to send a boy for the king of Copenisle to foster, and Jaycen, now seventeen, offered himself to do so, but in reality he has been sent as a spy). The young princess-heir to the Fjord is mysteriously kept isolated from most people and Jaycen says that he intends to find out. Throughout the book Jaycen sends letters to Allistair explaining his recent findings as well as his ultimate building of a close relationship and bond with the young princess after finding out her "secret".

Allistair is given three initiation rites, which are necessary to become a Ward. The first involves killing a prisoner in an event known as "The Culling". At the start of the journey each Ward recruit is assigned a prisoner, regardless of what crime he commited and are supposed to get to know them. Once at Crossroads they must spontaneously kill their prisoners as a rite of passage. Allistair befriended his and so it is extremely difficult for him to do so. The next rite is known as the "Purge", a week long Hunger Gamesish thing where the lads are assigned to teams. The last team standing wins. The final rite is known as "The Feast" and the remaining recruits are instructed to drink the gobelet of wine at their seats after finishing a meal. One is said to be lined with poison. They all take a drink at the same time, but all those that refuse are stabbed there at the table. Allistair feels the poison kicking in, but when he awakens he learns that it was only blood of the "Green Men" and that it was only a test, a leap of faith. He takes his vows and becomes a Ward.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (Kingsgate) Gregor is playing at the Imperial Residence and stumbles across the queen of Grecador's body, which ultimately leads to a kind of "murder mystery" scenario. Wylfred decides to do a bit of snooping around, but the warlock, who came to court as an advisor sent by his king, finds out about Wylfred's investigations. Wylfred finds out that it was the king of Espis responsible for her death as to better his chances. The prince plans to confront him.

At this time Lelia is visiting the nation of Canabar, north of Occidea, to request the governor to lend troops to help Marius, the true king of Gaulia, cross the sea and reclaim the country. Once back in the Imperial City (basically New York) the soldiers turn on them but are defeated.

In Boraelgrasp Stewart finds out about a mysterious uprising in the south of the country and so he takes Jakob with him and they win some victories.

Wylfred takes his men and goes to confront the Espian king, but the Lyght finds out and views it as an assasination attempt, so he sends Mathias to arrest them. Wylfred's household guard is killed and he is imprisoned.

However, he manages to escape with his family, but just before they leave the city the Espians arrive to try and stop them. Wylfred is killed while holding them off as his wife and son escape Kingsgate.

Nearing the conclusion, the warlock goes to meet with an old buddy of his who served with him before they were exiled from the Magi Order, a Necromancer, serving some new deity in the East. He returns to his king and ends up killing him, taking over the castle.

Mathias is sent to help the Templars retake the ancient city of Tyr Constantine from the Sarecs (Arabs) who, for some reason, have been fleeing west for quite some time, as if trying to escape something. After the victory, Mathias pushes eastward, but after gaining another victory he finds something very interesting...corpses of the Pale Men, also known as the Nightwalkers, which were only beings of legend found in the old religious texts. He pushes east some more and recruits the Sarecs to help him defeat them, but after his victory he turns on his new allies. Over the course of the story, Mathias becomes more and more zelous, risking his own men to defeat this threat. He is last seen standing before the mouth of "the Blight", ready to face whatever may be inside...

Allistair goes with the Wards to the stronghold at Olive Mountain in Grecador to stop the armies of the migrating Sarecs, escaping from the Blight and helps defend the mountain, proving himself a hero.

Jakob and Stewart lay siege to the castle of the lord in rebellion and Jakob also proves himself a hero.

Back in Kingsgate, the only two contenders for emperor are Daegar and the Espian king and they have one final confrontation, but they reach an agreement, deciding that it is the Espian king that should become emperor. The conversation ends with the Espian asking Daegar, "How would you like to become king?"

Daegar goes north and, while it is only mentioned, he stops in the city far to the northeast known as "Musantilir" along with his cousin Banqin Fortman, where they meet with the legendary witches known as "The Coven of Hekata". They tell him that he will be king as long as the waters do not reach the tallest towers of Wynterholde and say that no usurper shall ever harm him (leaving the unforseen loophool open that may suggest that someone may kill him who does not have the intention of usurping his throne).

Daegar is next seen attacking Wynter's End from the inside. He approaches Stewart, who is confused and says that they must repel the attackers, but then he realizes that they are Daegar's. Daegar kills Stewart and orders the children remaining at Wynterholde to be killed, but Jakob escapes to Wynter's End and manages to stow away aboard a wagon on a merchant caravan headed north.

Daegar, before he left Kingsgate, gave Stewart's children to serve as the king of Espis's, now the Emperor of the Alliance, wards, but, after receiving a letter, the new emperor orders them to be killed. Cedwick witnesses this and his horrified.

The book will end with Norbit (who turns out to be alive and appears in two other interludes throughout the story) and the still alive Robin at the top of the Gag Malak together, gazing over the northernmost regions of Caenterin, predicting that it is only a matter of time before the land crumbles.
"Often, the best way to improve is swallowing your ego and realizing you're a terrible writer in all aspects of writing, then working to improve it."
-R.U.
  





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Thu May 01, 2014 2:52 pm
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Tenyo says...



Wow XD

There are a *lot* of characters here. By the looks of the plot it's very character based, too, which means you're going to have to take particular care with developing them. The plot may look fine, but you'll need to take extra care in making the cast unique and solidifying their means and motives sorted before you embark, since this is probably where the novel will be weakest.

Overall it's looking good! I can see a lot of very current trends in there mixed in with some old classics, so it'll be exciting to see how this pans out when it comes to writing it.
We were born to be amazing.
  





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Fri May 30, 2014 11:36 pm
Prokaryote says...



I think the strength of plots sometimes lies in the particulars... details adding up, pieces clicking snugly and at the right times. One sizable slip and you can do yourself in. Motivations, as Tenyo mentioned, are huge; one stretch, one out-of-character moment, can sink the whole ship.

You've got a lot to work with. Careful.
  








The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
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