Young Writers Society

I've been working on a new story idea lately, but would like some pointers and feedback on it. Here's the summary:

Over five centuries ago Earth was ravaged by a global war, diminishing the population and rendering the terrain toxic and barren. Out of those who survived the attacks, a handful of humans developed unique psychic abilities. Calling themselves the Awakened, the gifted few aided the rest of civilization and together built Societies--giant cities enclosed in a dome meant to provide humanity a way to start over and protect them from the harsh environment--out of the skeletons of the past. And for three-hundred years the Originals, as the normal civilians would call themselves, and the Awakened lived in harmony, working together to create the perfect utopia.

However, greed and jealousy found its way into the Societies, and soon anyone thought to belong to the Awakened were prosecuted before the self-appointed government, a group of Originals who called themselves the Pentacle, and banished beyond Society's walls. To further their conviction and keep any Awakened from ever emerging, it was mandate that all infants born into the Society must be Registered--a process that implants a small chip into the back of their necks and inhibits any growth of inhuman abilities. In addition, citizens were "monitored" by the Pentacle, who reassured them that it was for their protection. This was all done in the name of justice and equality for all, and for generations this was the way Society functioned.

Rhodette Ashburn, a socially awkward girl from the Industrial Sector, is now eighteen and will graduate soon--a process called Renaming Day, as it tests the graduates' capabilities to determine their proper place in society (Are they savvy enough for a career in politics? Or will their skills better serve society as a metal worker or bus driver?) and afterwards they choose a new identity to help sever the ties from their old life and begin their new one.

Her dream of becoming a member of the Branchmen, the Society of Sylon's formidable police force, comes true, and she moves to the District of Law and Order under her new identity, Roe, to train in their year-long program. But soon strange things begin to happen to her, startling things--she discovers that, despite being Registered, she can read minds. Fear of discovery drives her to keep her ability hidden from even her closest friend, Zayn. But as her powers grow, so do her chances of discovery.

So it might have gotten a little rambly there, but that's only because the "psychic abilities" part I literally just added lol. Thought it would give it more of that "sci-fi" appeal and change it up a little.

But back to my original question. Does this idea have potential? Would any of you fellow YWSers read something like this?

In all honesty, this sounds way too similar to Divergent. It is a very good idea and I like it, but I advise you to be as different from the Divergent series as you can be.

I suggest you go on and start it! Just be careful of not doing what I said above. Also note that dystopians have recently become popular and that people might start getting sick of them, so spice it up as best as you can and make it unique.

I'd like to read it, so if you ever need a review on it, let me know! Best of luck with your writing!

Hmm, I can see where the Renaming Day may be similar to the Divergent series, having Wiki'd it real quick (I haven't had a chance to read it yet!). What other aspects would be similar, though? Call me biased, but that's the only portion that seems to cross with what I've read on Divergent.

The sections, the fact that they have to choose where they belong to, the fact that they have to sever away from their old life.

The psychic part is original and unique, though, so you aren't too similar to Divergent. It's still a good idea, so don't panic. Just be careful with making it your story, and not a cardboard copy of Veronica Roth's writing.

There's no originality anymore!

I was actually kind of going towards a "Victory City" as far as the sectors within the city itself--a self-sustaining, secluded metal bubble in which civilized society carries on the same way it always had, minus any contact from the outside world. The who mentality is now "work for the betterment of society; families are just in place to raise future generations of workers until they reach working ages" but placement for jobs are determined through the government.

Ugh, it's starting to sound a bit like communism now lol.

So this is of a dystopian work society, where you just work and work and have the occasional baby, then keep working? Have you outlined the government and how strict or lenient they will be? What about punishment for not working?

Also, what is the overall goal behind this? Do you plan on having Roe be discovered and she gets exiled? So she and the Awakened plan to overthrow the Originals and rejoin society? Or maybe the Awakened attack with a vengeance and pandemonium occurs? Or something different?

To add a few more questions, how comes she gets those abilities anyway? A mistake in the process, or a new evolutional step or something of the sort, or something completely different..?
I too would like to know more about the world itself - not what it's like in general, because you said that, but in more details. Like how does the government function now, is there some sort of higher plan behind this banishment of the Awakened, are there attacks/spies/mystery subplots perhaps, or have the ones who got sent away just reconciled with it? What about the Originals, humans, do they all agree with this regime or is there silent resistance planning a revolution..? There are many ways to go with this, and I'd like to see these things developed.

I've been giving it some thought in regards to the structure of government, the direction of the story, and the layout in general. I've always wanted to steer clear of the typical totalitarian government that is so popular among dystopian societies and gear more towards oligarchical despotism (the Pentacle is the ruling group, the people are given the illusion that they have a voice in the system, the Branchmen are the Pentacle's forceful law keepers, etc).

The mystery behind the Awakened will eventually culminate into the finding of a "lost paradise" for the psychically gifted (known as Espers in this world) called Avalon.

The whole idea of this seemingly bizarre society came from both stumbling across Orville Simpson's designs for "Victory City" (which is a fascinating idea, but vastly flawed in my opinion) while researching futuristic societies, and the potential behind microchipping (we do it to our pets, and even some people have done it to themselves!) as a way to store information electronically within ourselves. Obviously, this sort of "power" can become widely abused, as is done in my fictional universe. Those in power see all, know all, and control all via both the Branchmen (the "muscle") and the Registrar (the "brain" that regulates the database of collective information gathered from the microchipping process, or Registration).

But to answer your questions on where this story is going, it follows the typical dystopian structure: MC recognizes a flaw in the current system, MC is forced to run from the current system to survive, and MC then attempts to fix the current system for the betterment of humanity. But this is science fiction, taking place in a time centuries ahead of us after a global disaster changes the face of the Earth--hello, mutants! (I am convinced that our next step in evolution will be the awakening of inert abilities that we all carry within ourselves but are currently blinded to; the opening of the "mind's eye," if you will )

I hope this helped to clarify things! Feel free to ask me anything more, though it might take awhile as the story is still being developed.