Young Writers Society

Okay... better?

He turned to Sadie’s father and smiled. “I suppose this is my last goodbye to you then?”

“Yes.”

“Goodbye then.” He extended his arm for a handshake, but Sadie’s father gave him a great bear hug instead.

*clears throat loudly* I'm a fan, Snoink, but this is awkward. You have to avoid such simple, almost childlike words when talking about such a rough and ...erm?...high-class character. Please, stop it with the "great" and "big"-ness.

I know I had something else to say, but I got really distracted by pondering if you resembled a pig in real life and completely lost what I was going to say.

Keep trying. Rewrite it until it's perfect. Only then would it be worthy of a SPEW mark of approval, let's say.

XD

When I post the chapter up, tell me what you think of the phrase in its full context.

Hahaha... this is the soppy chapters of FREAK. XD

He turned to Sadie’s father and smiled. “I suppose this is my last goodbye to you then?”

“Yes.”

“Goodbye then.” He extended his arm for a handshake, but Sadie’s father gave him a great bear hug instead.

Um.. how about: 'but Sadie's father hugged him tightly instead.'

Work for you?

...maybe.

*pokes everyone*

Does that work better?

'Bear-like' perhaps?

Snoink wrote:Okay... better?

He turned to Sadie’s father and smiled. “I suppose this is my last goodbye to you then?”

“Yes.”

“Goodbye then.” He extended his arm for a handshake, but Sadie’s father gave him a great bear hug instead.

I think that -sans question of the 'bear' feasability- 'gave' gives the whole sentence a weaker impression than it needs. Could Sadie's father 'crush' instead to complete the image? Somehow the verb looks as weak as the bearish bit at first seemed awkward. If that's sensible.