Young Writers Society

I suck! Or at least that's what people have been telling me. Please help me with this poem. Constructuctive Criticism please!!

Mounds of Dirt

In the dirt the secrets lie. Buried like the past of disturbing memories.

The dirt is packed with the bugs who crawl in search for a home, their lives having no meaning to those few people who don't know how it is to be helpless.

Children play in the dirt because they have no fun, tears spilling down their checks because they are poor. The dead is buried in the dirt, because to some they no longer have a purpose.

Dirt has rocks in it, the bumps to show how long it took to form.
The mounds are dirt that have no beauty,just the brown stuff that everyone takes for granted.

They do not know that the dirt hold secrets and the lies of the living, why would the? Oh what stories the mounds would tell, if it actually could talk.


Please tell me what I need work on, probably everyone. I am probably more of a fiction writer and I don't even know if that up there can be called a poem. I have no idea anymore...I think I should just stick with fiction....Please help me!!

That is really hard to read. Please break it into stanzas and I will give constructive criticism

I have a long way to go, don't I?

Your stuff isn't bad... definitely not bad; it just needs work.

Okay, here's some crit:

Mounds of Dirt

I would suggest finding a more inviting title. It isn't bad, just not very interesting

In the dirt the secrets lie. Buried like the past of disturbing memories.

First sentence was pretty good, but I suggest using a different word than 'dirt'. Also, the two sentences seem as if they should be in a few more stanzas. Here's how I would break them up.

In the dirt
Secrets lie
Buried like the past
Of disturbing memories

It makes it easier to read and adds emphasis to the words. I really liked the second sentece, but I think that you should do some rewording. 'like the past of disturbing memories' sounds a little awkward. How about 'like a past of disturbing memories' I also suggest you describe past.

The dirt is packed with the bugs who crawl in search for a home, their lives having no meaning to those few people who don't know how it is to be helpless.

Again, I think you should break up these stanzas more. For instance...

The dirt is packed
With the bugs who crawl
In search for a home
Their lives
Having no meaning
To those few people
Who don't know
How it is to be helpless.

It is up to you how to break it up, but that is my suggestion. I suggest that you find a different word than 'packed' because it sounds strange with the rest of the stanza. I liked 'with the bugs who crawl in search for a home' though I think you could word it a little better. I adored your last few lines. The 'their lives having no meaning to those few people who don't know how it is to be helpless' though I think you should edit the last part to say 'how it feels to be helpless.'

Children play in the dirt because they have no fun, tears spilling down their checks because they are poor. The dead is buried in the dirt, because to some they no longer have a purpose.

Again, I believe this would have more emphasis in smaller and more lines.

Children play in the dirt
Because they have no fun
Tears spilling down their cheeks
Because they are poor (If you break it up like this, you'll need to find a different word than 'because' for this line)
The dead is buried in the dirt (I suggest this three lines be separated into yet another stanza)
Because to some
They no longer have a purpose

I didn't understand the first part about children and how it relates to dirt. It would be nice to expound on that. The second part about the dead was good, but 'the dead is buried' should be 'the dead are buried'. The second part of that could be worded better, but was good.

Dirt has rocks in it, the bumps to show how long it took to form.
The mounds are dirt that have no beauty,just the brown stuff that everyone takes for granted.

again, more lines in the stanza

Dirt has rocks in it
The bumps to show
How long it took for form (Did you mean 'to form'?)

The mounds are dirt
That have no beauty
Just the brown stuff
That everyoen takes for granted

It is up to you how you want to break these up, but that is how I would do it. You don't even have to break them up, but I would suggest it.

Okay, I didn't like this stanza much at all. 'Dirt has rocks in it' sounds too dull. I suggest you say something like 'Rocks bury themselves into the crumbling dirt' or something like that. Please don't use the word bumps. It just sounds... weird. Use words like small hills, jagged protrusions or something more colorful. 'The mounds of dirt. They have no beauty' is pretty good. I did not like' just the brown stuff' Stuff is not a very good word to use. you could use 'brown subsance' or even better 'brown foundation' but do not use 'brown stuff' The last line about taking for granted was good, but a little cliche. I suggest rewording that too.

They do not know that the dirt hold secrets and the lies of the living, why would the? Oh what stories the mounds would tell, if it actually could talk.

I'll break this up too, but again, it is up to you

They do not know
That the dirt holds secrets
And the lies of the living
Why would they?

Oh, what stories
The mounds would tell
If it actually could talk

i liked your first few lines, though I suggest you add a 'the' before 'secrets' because there is a the before lies. 'Why would they?' doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. I suggest you just get rid of it. I suggest that you get rid of the 'actually' in the last part because it sounds weird. I also suggest you make the meaning more clear and use some more poetic devices here, but this a good start.
This needs work, but can be good. Keep writing!

I just made it like that....i can hardly read it...

Thanks. What do I need to work on? Everything?

I wasn't sure how you wanted the poem's format to look, so I showed what it would look like if it were formatted like most poems are. You don't have to format your stanzas like that, but it was just my suggestion.
Concerning your comments after the poem, you can write fiction or poetry if you work and practice at it. Just keep writing and you'll improve in both. Please keep writing

Oh, and welcome to YWS! If you have any questions on the site or poems or anything, just PM me.