z

Young Writers Society


Guess what? FREAK sucks.



User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3891
Reviews: 3821
Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:03 am
Snoink says...



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. I'm not sure WHAT'S wrong with it, but something wrong. Perhaps I need to step out of the paragraph entirely and have something new? Maybe... but this just isn't working.

This is the first paragraph of FREAK:

The headmistress had promised to be back soon, but judging by the loud crash that the freak had heard and the string of curses that followed, she guessed that the headmistress wouldn’t be coming back as soon as she hoped. The freak shivered and clutched the shabby towel closer to her, looking away from the closed door. Screaming followed the curses.


...

AH!

So! Help?! Ideas?!?!?!? Anyone?

*stabs FREAK with red pen*
Last edited by Snoink on Tue Oct 03, 2006 7:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
128 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 128
Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:49 am
Galatea says...



Its WAY too jumbled. Break up the thoughts into separate images, then try to piece them together. Its like doing a frame by frame.

"The headmistress had promised to be back soon, but the loud crash and the string of curses spoke to the contrary. The freak shivered and clutched the shabby towel closer to her, looking away from the closed door."

Kill the 'screams' line. Its...awkward. Introduce the screams some other way.
Last edited by Galatea on Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.
  





User avatar
488 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3866
Reviews: 488
Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:49 am
Meshugenah says...



Shorten it.

The sentence just goes on and on, and unless you're Dickens writing A Tale of Two Cities, it just doesn't work.

All, all rather passive -- not tense, but feeling. Nothing happens -- not a good way to draw in a reader.

Maybe play with the original line you had on YWS? The one where it starts with the freak clutching her towel around her, naked? IT certianly catches the eye, if nothing else. But as it? ACK! indeed.

Or just kill it entirely XD.
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)

Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.

I <3 Rydia
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3891
Reviews: 3821
Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:54 am
Snoink says...



Hehe... well, I'm playing with it and seeing what I can come up with. But what I think I did was I edited most of the first chapter so it's really pretty, except for the first paragraph.

Grr...

Yeah, any suggestions are lovely. :)

EDIT:

I did this, and I think it's getting better, though it's hardly smooth enough:

The freak waited. She had to. She was trapped in the bathroom, cold and naked, waiting for the headmistress to return. Water slid along her legs and down into a puddle on the cold tiled floor. Already the shabby towel she clutched around her bruised body had been soaked through. But at least the freak wasn’t soapy anymore; the headmistress had just rinsed her off.

Now, the headmistress was looking for some modest clothes for the freak. She had promised to be back soon, but as the freak stood there shivering, she heard a loud crash. At first it was quiet. Then the familiar curses from the headmistress came, followed by the even more familiar screaming…

Her eyes drifted to the mirror.


So I think it's closer. But it's not quite there yet. I have a feeling there's too much adjectives and not enough vital information. Like, the first sentence of the second paragraph sounds awkward to me.

Anymore ideas? :?
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
214 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 8231
Reviews: 214
Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:58 pm
Prosithion says...



Well, it isn't very bad, but I thought this when I read the story before. Change " the freak" to something else. It doesn't read well.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"
  





User avatar
161 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 161
Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:06 pm
Cassandra says...



It looks good, actually. I think there's a few extra adjectives in the first paragraph...maybe go through and see which ones are necessary and which ones aren't? Other than that, I've got no problems.
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





User avatar
820 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 820
Mon Oct 09, 2006 9:39 am
Myth says...



I actually like the edited version.
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








the world (me) cries out for salvation (snacks)
— creaturefeature