Young Writers Society

Water
trickled
ever so gently,
over mud covered earth,
home of creatures large and small,
and flowed down past
down over hills and holes
through the troubles and spites of the wild
into the serenity of wooden sentinels,
bubbling gurgling murmuring comforts,
singing into the ears of the lost, man and others,
the forlorn, and the found, and everyone in between,
simple peace in a time of need.


So this is a rewritten version of a piece I wrote when I first began poetry. Sometime in the month of June. It was one of my favorites, and still kind of is, out of what I've written, but I wanted to see if I could improve it at all. Below is the original. I would really appreciate some thoughts and comparisons between the two- which one is better? Which aspects should I change to the second piece, and which ones should I keep from the original?
If you don't really want to do a comparison, but only feel like looking at one them, that's fine. Any input is welcome. c:
Thanks.




Old Version:


Water
trickling
ever so gently
over mud covered earth
flowing down over hills and holes
through the troubles of the wild
the serenity of the woods
bubbling gurgling murmuring comforts
singing into the ears of the lost
the forlorn and the found
simple peace in a time of need

i really like this version better.
it more feeeling i guess you could say.



I WANT A REVIEW!

Lovely.

The comma in the third line needs to go, methinks. But otherwise I whole-heartedly approve of the addition of punctuation. Although a piece so much about flow might well do without it in different circumstances and prosper - experiment and see what feels more natural.

I prefer the progressive tense in the earlier version... your speaker is talking of flow, of water!- the poem shouldn't be halted, but rushing! So keep the "-ing"s.

The line breaks are, objectively, roughly as good in both versions. However, I do like the neat image that the lines in your revised version might be expanding as your poem goes on just as the river is expanding as it nears whatever body of water it flows into at its 'end.' So perhaps expand the last line a bit, and voilà! Beautiful visual bonus.

I don't know if the "man and others" at the end is really necessary... it threw me off. I wasn't expecting anything like that, and it reads/sounds to me as an attempt to throw some "quick-fix" gravitas into the poem that was completely unnecessary in such a fun piece. I'd get rid of it or gently brush it into the corner of isolation and obscurity, somehow or other.

Overall, neat little poem, keep writing!