Topic ID: 9975
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8719 Reviews: 2137 Country: USA 1951 Points
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:08 pm Post subject: Tail Held High |
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I had a tiny little dream
Where I was being followed
By a tiger, gray and black
Hiding in my shadow
At first I thought – ignore him.
That ghastly looming sight
Of a silent tiger
Trailing me by night.
But as we rambled onward
I hastened up my pace –
First a walk and then a jog –
A run and then a race!
He never ran, my tiger,
But he never fell behind
And so we rushed together
In a single little line.
And while I raced on, panicked,
A big hawk swooped down low
A great rock in its talons
Which at me it did throw
With a cry, I threw myself
Deep within the ground
When beside me came a roar
With a most amazing sound.
The tiger sprang up at the rock, and
With a mighty padded paw,
The rock burst into a million stars –
The tiger opened up his jaw…
He leapt up higher, higher still
And swallowed up the hawk –
Feathers tumbling from his mouth –
He smiled and then he dropped.
Out of the sky and onto the land –
I was very much afraid
Still, I crept close to the tiger
And saw him where he lay:
His eyes pulled shut, his paws outstretched
His body gleaming red
And as I walked up closer still,
I thought that he was dead.
My heart felt sick, my body shook
And as I began to weep
His yellow eyes blinked open,
And with a tigery creep:
He stood up and winked at me
Before running in the night
And the last thing I saw of him
Was his tail holding high. |
_________________ "So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
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Dream Deep
is a teapot Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 18 Apr 2006 Posts: 3654 Reviews: 503 Country: the peace house 317 Points
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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I love it love it love it love it, a million times love it but then I think I already told you that.
Great job, Snow Pig.
~Dreamy ^_^ |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 3810 Reviews: 665 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:17 am Post subject: |
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| Words fail me. |
_________________ I retired from Big Brother on November 11th.
On November 12th, I started showing up and having good ideas again.
What is wrong with me? |
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8719 Reviews: 2137 Country: USA 1951 Points
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 4:01 am Post subject: |
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The teacher wrote this about it:
He stood up and winked at me
Before running in the night
And the last thing I saw of him
Was his tail holding high. REWORK THIS TO FOCUS THE "COMPARISON" HERE? THIS IS SWEET AND FUNNY... IS IT A KIND OF CHILDREN'S STORY?
What do you think she means by it? ^_^;; |
_________________ "So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
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Poor Imp
imp forgets what was writ Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 20 Feb 2006 Posts: 3794 Reviews: 420 Country: the roof 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 5:37 am Post subject: |
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I enjoyed it, Snoink. Of the rhyme, no complaints...except for the very last line --
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And the last thing I saw of him
Was his tail holding high. |
...his tail was holding - what high? The double syllable was what you wanted? Was his tail held high makes more sense.
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The teacher wrote this about it:
He stood up and winked at me
Before running in the night
And the last thing I saw of him
Was his tail holding high. REWORK THIS TO FOCUS THE "COMPARISON" HERE? THIS IS SWEET AND FUNNY... IS IT A KIND OF CHILDREN'S STORY?
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...This is your professor talking? --Is she perhaps confused? o0' ^_~
Focus comparison - joys of vagary. |
_________________ 'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche |
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8719 Reviews: 2137 Country: USA 1951 Points
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 6:07 am Post subject: |
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Well... she's obsessed with caps lock, if you couldn't tell, lol.
And I think she means comparison as metaphors. So she uses them interchangably. I think...
And yeah. The double syllable thing I was aiming for. Gah! Writing poetry is like playing suduko. You try to fix a line and end up having to replace the whole damn board.  |
_________________ "So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
Video Critiques by Yours Truly.  |
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