Topic ID: 9964
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Afyr
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 Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:19 am Post subject: There was an old man from Dundee |
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I wrote this in five minutes yesterday morning... enjoy...
There was an old man from Dundee
Who every day swallowed a pea
But one day, the cook
Who was reading a book
Neglected to give him his pea
The man from Dundee was quite mad
And beat the cook, 'cause she was bad
Then burnt up her book
And sent her to cook
A meal to make him feel glad
The cook thought the man was quite mean
So decided to cook him a spleen
She stuffed it with bread
And a rotten fish head
And mice from the home of the Queen
Eating as quick as he can
The man gulped it straight from the pan
Then feeling quite ill
He swallowed a pill
Alas, that was the end of that man. |
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Snoink
Snuggly
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| Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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Yay! How very clever... not many people try to do many verses in this format since the bounciness sometimes gets repetitive or old. But this was pretty good.
Now, to make this poem even better, read it out loud. What sounds awkward and what is smooth? Change the awkward parts to something smoother and keep the good parts, unless they start sounding awkward. One helpful tip is to delete unnecessary words.
Good luck! |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather
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| Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2006 6:22 am Post subject: |
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Hmm. On the one hand it is a fairly simple rhyme.
I'm going to rate this PG. Better safe than sorry. |
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David Guinness
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| Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2006 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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*backs away from Afyr*
Pretty good limerick. Really creepy- (chills and all) -but pretty good.
As Snoink said, I would go back through and test the phrasing. Most of it flows well, but on occasion there's a "hiccup". |
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Sohini
Her Meowness
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| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 6:26 am Post subject: |
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that was hilarious indeed!!! and in 5 mins? coool!!
"So decided to cook him a spleen"-ewwwww.
this reminds me of my poem "My Trip to the Sicks"
well done, each stanza is a limerick-wow!! |
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Chandni
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| Posted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 1:06 am Post subject: |
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Very Very enjoyable  I like ur rhyming although it's very simple |
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