Topic ID: 9845
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bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1731 Reviews: 574 Country: New Zealand 418 Points
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Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 9:08 am Post subject: Lessons in Anatomy |
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This is an old one that I just "dug up" haha...found it in a folder and liked it so figured I'd post it here for polishing.
Lessons in Anatomy
dead flesh on a cold slab, or
dreamers in a morgue are we.
our corpses stare through one another with
cold eyes, while our lips pretend to lifelessness
and the songs of our last fantasies
echo in our minds.
this is
an empty existence,
flat and sterile.
the only colours bloom in
our faded flesh and the remnants
of irises, soon to be interred.
don’t let me die in silence.
cut me open, let
the bright freshness of my blood
submerge the white darkness of
this empty room.
use my bones
to make music
and whistle my soul
to the whole world.
don’t leave me.
the paradox of a shared end
is each dies alone; trapped
in our steel-walled prisons with
vacant deities to preserve our bones.
the living pick the melody -
let theirs be sweet, let the notes
we lived by mingle with their own
and the breath we leave them
linger in the chorus. |
_________________ "Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
I can neither confirm nor deny that I belong to S.P.E.W.
Last edited by bubblewrapped on Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:53 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Snoink
*glub* Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8247 Reviews: 2082 Country: USA 1283 Points
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Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 9:22 pm Post subject: |
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The first stanza is wonderful in the imagery it creates. We find ourselves in the morgue along with the heroine, and it's just really creepy, which makes it THAT much more awesome.
Just one thing:
"while our lips pretend to lifelessness"
That doesn't sound right, and I originally read it as "while our lips dead and lifeless." Don't ask. I'm a really bad reader and I have to read poetry several times before I get it somewhat correct.
And... I suppose I should comment on the other stanzas, but I tend to be a fan of a lot more subtle poetry, so my opinion would be useless there. I like the stanzas that have "we" in it though. |
_________________ Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way! |
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antigone
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 04 May 2005 Posts: 213 Reviews: 168 Country: Woof 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:11 am Post subject: |
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Wow. This has the most amazing imagery, dark and beautiful. Especially,
don’t let me die in silence.
cut me open, let
the bright freshness of my blood
submerge the white darkness of
this empty room.
I also love the line:
cold eyes, while our lips pretend to lifelessness
Please don't change it.
our corpses stare through one other with
one another?
Just, wow. This is one of those poems that makes me turn into an embarassing puddle of gushing gooze. But ummm... appreciation is nice?
Awesome work. |
_________________ Siempre, siempre: jardin de mi agonia,
tu cuerpo fugitivo para siempre,
la sangre de tus venas en mi boca,
tu boca ya sin luz para mi muerte.
-From 'Del amor imprevisto', Federico Garcia Lorca |
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Kelsey Logan
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Posts: 60 Reviews: 38 Country: U.S. 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:54 am Post subject: |
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| that's reeeallly good! |
_________________ KTL
Pluff! |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 13 Dec 2006 Posts: 1799 Reviews: 741 Country: Where the wild things are. 772 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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I really like it when I read a poem that doesn't need my big red "cliche" stamp. I liked this quite a bit. I especially liked the way you put the speaker's pleas--"don't let me die in silence" and "don't leave me" in italics. It emphasizes them and really brings out that one voice.
Point of view. Everything but the middle stanza is told by many people--"we," while the middle stanza was just "I" and was flanked by the aforementioned italicized lines. This seems to be intended, but I'm not sure about its role in the poem.
I can't see the middle stanza being changed to plural and I also can't see the others being changed to singular "I". But I think you could do a lot more with this change, perhaps put in more individual feelings in that middle stanza. When I first read the poem, the change in perspective didn't even register, probably because there wasn't enough change in tone. Now I notice it a lot more, almost like a musical interlude or key change in a song. So I'm not sure--it's something to think about.
Description. For the most part, very good. It's very easy to slip into cliche when describing the dead or death, but this was original and precise; I felt as though I was in the morgue.
Diction.
| Quote: |
the only colours bloom in
our faded flesh and the remnants
of irises, soon to be interred. |
Probably my favorite line; I like the way you used "bloom" to describe the colors. It creates a really interesting contrast because "bloom" usually refers to flowers and by extension life.
You might say "in the remnants of irises". It's kind of confusing right now.
Fluff. Yes, fluff. I felt that this stanza:
| Quote: |
we are all of us doomed to the same end
linked by our misfortune
brothers by our spilt blood.
why do we then forget
to see through our steel-walled prisons? |
wasn't really that necessary, to be honest. It was well-written, but I felt that the poem could do without it. Of course, you'd still have to find a way to bring up the question answered in the last stanza, but "we are..." to "...spilt blood" could go.
Style. For the most part, I really liked it. What threw me off was the last stanza. I dislike the fragment even though it is an answer to the previously stated question. I also felt that the word "lest" was out-of-place; you used fairly formal, sophisticated language, but "lest"? Too archaic, maybe.
Good stuff!
-Colleen |
_________________ "My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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iQuippie
*makes a dramatic return* Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Aug 2007 Posts: 292 Reviews: 142 Country: My United States of Whateva! 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 12:01 am Post subject: |
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I'm pretty amazed, seeing as things rarely make me physically shudder when I'm reading them. And I didn't even notice the lack of capitalization (don't worry about that though, it's good enough to stand without that).
^_- great work
--Quippie |
_________________ You're insulted, you can't be bought or sold;
Translation: offer too low. |
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Livinginfantasy
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Mar 2008 Posts: 191 Reviews: 112 Country: Fantasy... DUH 549 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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woah!
That was brilliant!
| Quote: |
don’t let me die in silence.
cut me open, let
the bright freshness of my blood
submerge the white darkness of
this empty room.
use my bones
to make music
and whistle my soul
to the whole world.
don’t leave me. |
My favorite stanza! This is my first time reading your work and you impressed me! Maybe I should look for more? |
_________________ ~LIF
I'm a sucker for one-word titles. |
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bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1731 Reviews: 574 Country: New Zealand 418 Points
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Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:57 am Post subject: |
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Wow, thanks guys. I've done some editing, mostly to the final stanza(s) -- actually, I replaced them entirely -_- I'm hoping (hopehopehope!) they keep with the original spirit but are less...mm, preachy than the previous verses, and explain what Colleen describes as the "musical interlude" in the middle (where it changes to first person) a little better. Sort of. Um. So yes, critiques are appreciated  |
_________________ "Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
I can neither confirm nor deny that I belong to S.P.E.W. |
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mizz-iceberg
...is BACK! Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 14 Apr 2007 Posts: 461 Reviews: 206 Country: Canada 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 8:52 am Post subject: |
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| You've done it again, Bubble! You're an amazing poet!! This was very original and creative. I've been reading your poetry. They're all fantastic!! |
_________________ Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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