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This thread was created on August 26, 2006
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Lessons in Anatomy
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bubblewrapped   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 9:08 am    Post subject: Lessons in Anatomy Reply with quote

This is an old one that I just "dug up" haha...found it in a folder and liked it so figured I'd post it here for polishing.



Lessons in Anatomy



dead flesh on a cold slab, or

dreamers in a morgue are we.

our corpses stare through one another with

cold eyes, while our lips pretend to lifelessness

and the songs of our last fantasies

echo in our minds.



this is 

an empty existence,

flat and sterile.

the only colours bloom in

our faded flesh and the remnants

of irises, soon to be interred.



don’t let me die in silence.

cut me open, let 

the bright freshness of my blood

submerge the white darkness of 

this empty room.

use my bones

to make music

and whistle my soul

to the whole world.

don’t leave me.



the paradox of a shared end

is each dies alone; trapped

in our steel-walled prisons with

vacant deities to preserve our bones.



the living pick the melody -

let theirs be sweet, let the notes

we lived by mingle with their own 

and the breath we leave them

linger in the chorus.

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Last edited by bubblewrapped on Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:53 am; edited 3 times in total
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Snoink   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The first stanza is wonderful in the imagery it creates. We find ourselves in the morgue along with the heroine, and it's just really creepy, which makes it THAT much more awesome.

Just one thing:

"while our lips pretend to lifelessness"

That doesn't sound right, and I originally read it as "while our lips dead and lifeless." Don't ask. I'm a really bad reader and I have to read poetry several times before I get it somewhat correct.

And... I suppose I should comment on the other stanzas, but I tend to be a fan of a lot more subtle poetry, so my opinion would be useless there. Razz I like the stanzas that have "we" in it though.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. This has the most amazing imagery, dark and beautiful. Especially,

don’t let me die in silence.
cut me open, let
the bright freshness of my blood
submerge the white darkness of
this empty room.


I also love the line:
cold eyes, while our lips pretend to lifelessness


Please don't change it.

our corpses stare through one other with

one another?

Just, wow. This is one of those poems that makes me turn into an embarassing puddle of gushing gooze. But ummm... appreciation is nice? Smile
Awesome work.

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Siempre, siempre: jardin de mi agonia,
tu cuerpo fugitivo para siempre,
la sangre de tus venas en mi boca,
tu boca ya sin luz para mi muerte.

-From 'Del amor imprevisto', Federico Garcia Lorca
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

that's reeeallly good!

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like it when I read a poem that doesn't need my big red "cliche" stamp. I liked this quite a bit. I especially liked the way you put the speaker's pleas--"don't let me die in silence" and "don't leave me" in italics. It emphasizes them and really brings out that one voice.

Point of view. Everything but the middle stanza is told by many people--"we," while the middle stanza was just "I" and was flanked by the aforementioned italicized lines. This seems to be intended, but I'm not sure about its role in the poem.
I can't see the middle stanza being changed to plural and I also can't see the others being changed to singular "I". But I think you could do a lot more with this change, perhaps put in more individual feelings in that middle stanza. When I first read the poem, the change in perspective didn't even register, probably because there wasn't enough change in tone. Now I notice it a lot more, almost like a musical interlude or key change in a song. So I'm not sure--it's something to think about.

Description. For the most part, very good. It's very easy to slip into cliche when describing the dead or death, but this was original and precise; I felt as though I was in the morgue.

Diction.
Quote:
the only colours bloom in
our faded flesh and the remnants
of irises, soon to be interred.
Probably my favorite line; I like the way you used "bloom" to describe the colors. It creates a really interesting contrast because "bloom" usually refers to flowers and by extension life.
You might say "in the remnants of irises". It's kind of confusing right now.

Fluff. Yes, fluff. I felt that this stanza:
Quote:
we are all of us doomed to the same end
linked by our misfortune
brothers by our spilt blood.
why do we then forget
to see through our steel-walled prisons?
wasn't really that necessary, to be honest. It was well-written, but I felt that the poem could do without it. Of course, you'd still have to find a way to bring up the question answered in the last stanza, but "we are..." to "...spilt blood" could go.

Style. For the most part, I really liked it. What threw me off was the last stanza. I dislike the fragment even though it is an answer to the previously stated question. I also felt that the word "lest" was out-of-place; you used fairly formal, sophisticated language, but "lest"? Too archaic, maybe.

Good stuff!
-Colleen

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm pretty amazed, seeing as things rarely make me physically shudder when I'm reading them. And I didn't even notice the lack of capitalization (don't worry about that though, it's good enough to stand without that).

^_- great work

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked woah!
That was brilliant!

Quote:
don’t let me die in silence.
cut me open, let
the bright freshness of my blood
submerge the white darkness of
this empty room.
use my bones
to make music
and whistle my soul
to the whole world.
don’t leave me.


My favorite stanza! This is my first time reading your work and you impressed me! Maybe I should look for more?

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, thanks guys. I've done some editing, mostly to the final stanza(s) -- actually, I replaced them entirely -_- I'm hoping (hopehopehope!) they keep with the original spirit but are less...mm, preachy than the previous verses, and explain what Colleen describes as the "musical interlude" in the middle (where it changes to first person) a little better. Sort of. Um. So yes, critiques are appreciated Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 8:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've done it again, Bubble! You're an amazing poet!! This was very original and creative. I've been reading your poetry. They're all fantastic!!

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This thread was created on August 26, 2006

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