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you_really_suck
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 Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:04 pm Post subject: Hurricanes |
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I wrote this for school
living in Florida I've been in a lot of hurricanes
but i can never get used to them
i hope this explains how i feel and my life in Florida
Hurricanes
I could hear the blustering winds
as I sat in the dark corner
the winds of a hurricane
whispering in my ear
the 3rd in this year alone
the 5Th one in my lifetime
my family around me
it takes me back
to where I almost lost my life
I almost lost my unborn sister,
my mother
if it wasn't for my uncle
I would not be here
it is a curse for me
to relive those times
to be stuck in a place
where it had been hell only a few minutes before
with no power
no water
and no way of communicating
people say they've done all they can
yet we are still cleaning up the mess
of hurricane Charlie
and now Wilma is coming
my 6Th one
and what I hope to be my last |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
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| Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:49 pm Post subject: |
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Overall I liked this. It reads like a story, but in this case it works.
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the 3rd in this year alone
the 5Th one in my lifetime |
These lines are distracting. There might be a better way to re-word this or you could just take it out. Also, you probably should write out "third" and "fifth". It looks less distracting that way.
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my family around me
it takes me back
to where I almost lost my life
I almost lost my unborn sister, |
The first line doesn't really fit where you have it. Also, saying "almost lost" twice in as many lines is too much. Maybe say it like: "I almost lost/My family/My life/My world".
if it wasn't for my uncle
I would not be here
You could explain this a bit more and make it a separate stanza.
where it had been hell only a few minutes before
Split this line between "hell" and "only". Otherwise, I like this stanza.
I liked the last stanza as well. Good job! :thumb: |
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Skye
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| Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:42 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
the 3rd in this year alone
the 5Th one in my lifetime |
I agree with niteowl, these lines are quite distracting. It would help if you made it "third" and "fifth," but I think what really makes it stand out is that it's just that little bit too factual for poetry. But...if you were going for the short, blunt, hard-hitting feeling, you might want to add some periods at the end of these lines.
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my family around me
it takes me back
to where I almost lost my life
I almost lost my unborn sister,
my mother
if it wasn't for my uncle
I would not be here |
Very haunting. I agree with niteowl again, though, in saying that this would best be expanded upon in a separate stanza.
| Quote: |
it is a curse for me
to relive those times
to be stuck in a place
where it had been hell only a few minutes before
with no power
no water
and no way of communicating |
The fourth line in that stanza is too long in relation to the rest of the poem. A break between "hell" and "only" would do the trick.
| Quote: |
people say they've done all they can
yet we are still cleaning up the mess
of hurricane Charlie
and now Wilma is coming
my 6Th one
and what I hope to be my last |
This stanza, again, seemed a bit too factual for poetry, though I suppose that could just be personal preference. The last line manages to sound both optimistic and decidedly ominous at the same time.
In conclusion, this is a great poem taken from personal experience that, with a bit of editing, had potential be a great vehicle for emotion.  Good luck! |
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you_really_suck
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| Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 11:22 pm Post subject: |
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thanks guys
i think your ideas were good
but i did this for school and the teacher wanted to be informed of how we feel about hurricanes
i chose to do it in poetry
i know i could have done this better if i wrote it now |
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