Topic ID: 9611
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stilltyping
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 Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 10:10 pm Post subject: The Cynic Speaks |
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Alright. So here is my first attempt at poetry in over a year. More of a whim than a serious attempt. I'm posting it mainly so I can know what to avoid when next I write. Of course, editing advice would still be dandy! Criticism is most welcome...don't be afraid, I won't be disappointed.
The cynic speaks,
and out they leak-
the mad theories.
And sad, weary,
his audience merely
stares, meek,
as bleak words
seep into their hearts.
Not trusting to humanity,
he, with bland profanity,
bruises it.
It is hurt,
and his company
conceeds.
He turns to frown, and jeering down,
he sneers into their hearts.
Now he turns to part,
leaving his dreary art
to vacate the breathless room.
The gossips, sighing,
ease into their prying,
reviving, at once,
their hearts. |
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///thanks.
Last edited by stilltyping on Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:43 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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David Guinness
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| Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 1:29 am Post subject: |
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Hi stilltyping,
I enjoyed reading this. The rhythm, for the most part, has a very easy flow. Not everything rhymes perfectly, but the same rhythm remains, so that's okay. There are a couple of places I might play around with line breaks. I'd suggest you just go through the poem, and try breaking the lines in different places, see what you like. The fourth stanza particularly, I would break that stanza into three or possibly even four lines. My only other suggestion would be possibly substituting a colon for the hyphen you currently have in the first stanza. At first I thought it was a syllable break for one word.
Other than that, I have no real suggestions. It just needs a bit of tweaking. But you've got a very good start! 
- David - |
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Niamh
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| Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:58 am Post subject: |
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| This is reminiscent of a book on the evolution of philosophy I was reading. I really liked this. No corrections, really. This is a good poem. |
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"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath |
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plainfinmidshipman
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| Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 8:10 am Post subject: |
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Wow i really like this. I really like the satire at the end especially:
The gossips, sighing,
ease into their prying,
reviving, at once,
their hearts.
I think that is my favorite part but i also really like
It is hurt,
and his company conceeds.
He turns to frown, and jeering down,
he sneers into their hearts. |
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Rei
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| Posted: Tue Aug 15, 2006 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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| I definitely enjoyed reading this. The rhythm was really fun to read, and the rhymes were very well chosen. I usually don't like an inconsistent rhyming scheme, but this worked. |
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stilltyping
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| Posted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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| The fourth stanza particularly, I would break that stanza into three or possibly even four lines. |
I wouldn't have thought of that...so its a good thing you thought of it for me! I think I may try it out.
Thanks for the comments, all of you! |
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///thanks. |
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