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When Characters Take Control
When Characters Take Control

by The Cheshire Cat in NaNoWriMo
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on August 8, 2006
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Eidolon Days

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Minxfrau.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 2:41 pm    Post subject: Eidolon Days Reply with quote

we lived in one of those unending days

when the air clings to salt-beaded skin

and even umbral night cannot cleave

us from the heat.  lazy hours passed

like wishes on eyelashes, beautiful

to behold but so intangible –

and when we wearied of the sun

you threw up your umbrella

to cast us into man-made lethe.



forget the sun, you said.

for us, it will close its eyes.

(and it did)



and as you lounged in the soaking grass

with a skeleton of metal and cloth

held above like a saving grace,

I could only step out into the deluge

and let my footsteps wander the path

carved by raindrops, and wonder

why you would not dance.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm...

I don't think this is flowing right.

Poetry, even weird, fragmented poetry, usually has a lilt. So yes, you might have weird line breaks and everything, but the test of good poetry is that you can sway to it without having any music. It's just the music of your voice.

If I read this out loud, the line breaks don't make sense. Line breaks usually indicate a stop, so you would pause slightly before you say the next word. But why would you seperate these lines?

Quote:
us from the heat. lazy hours passed
like wishes on eyelashes, beautiful


Writing's much too easy. Instead, say your poetry out loud and see how it sounds. If it doesn't have any lilt to it whatsoever, then fix it up. Work on the line breaks and clean up some of the words. It'll probably come out fine.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Snoink about the line breaks. Read it aloud, and when you come to a natural break, hit ENTER and start a new line. An even quicker way to do this is to find the action verbs or simple punctuation and try a break with those starting the line. This usually works- not always, but usually.

The content of the poem is actually very good, but readers shouldn't need to struggle to absorb it.

After the lines are fixed, the poem's message will come out full-force.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the crit, guys! I see what you mean - I'll work on it and see if I can't fix this up a bit.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 3:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

despite the critique on the line breaks i think it flowed beautifully otherwise.

i think the thing you have right is the second stanze which i like.
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This thread was created on August 8, 2006

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