Topic ID: 9291
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Absynthe
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300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:24 am Post subject: |
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GOSH!!! hun, make it WAY shorter!!! even i, who read a 289 pg book in one day was scared of reading tht!!!! cut it up!!! Otherwise, gj!!  
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 10:04 pm Post subject: |
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| this is really good! can't wait to read the rest!
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"Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark. Begin at the beginning. Make some light." ~Kate DiCamillo |
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Nicki
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Age: 14
Joined: 14 Jun 2008
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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Constructive Criticism, well I can't find much to say.
I wonder how you're going to connect to the bent ID, the ringing phone (that only Emma appears to have heard) and the fainting at P.E. to the bloody ceiling and over all plot.
I haven't read Ch. 2 of any further, so these isn't much more I can critic. Overall, hope you'll be able to tie that all up.
Your voice is good, it fits Emma's personality well, not formal, but the way you would expect a teenager to sound, a bit sarcastic.
Maybe try putting a bit more to lead up to this, about Emma's life at home.
Anyway, good job, I enjoyed it.
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KJ
The shortest answer is doing the thing
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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This was a good beginning. Really, I enjoyed it. Despite the fact that many of the scenes didn't really seem to have a clear point to them, your MC's wry sense of humor kept it entertaining.
But, personally, I try not to break up my stories so much. Example: ***. It just makes the story feel jerky, for lack of a better word. Try to tie some of those short sections together.
If you need an example or want to see a technique in how to do this, I suggest checking out Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. Her MC is constantly doing bathroom stuff, homework, sleeping, etc., and Meyer always ties these activities in nicely with whatever her MC is going to do next.
And the ending was neat. Despite what a critiquer said about it coming out of nowehere, I politely disagree. After all, Emma passed out in gym, was feeling sick, and then she got a morbid phone call from her mother. For me, that's warning enough.
One last thing, about how her supposed best friend and her boyfriend were making fun of her for passing out in gym? I found that unrealistic. If someone in my school passed out, I would be concerned and sympathetic. I think that's how it is for most kids, or the ones who even care. If they don't, I don't think they'd bother saying anything.
All in all, great chapter. Moving on.
KJ
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Dreamworx95
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Damn, this is really good! Had me hooked all the way to the end. Finally, someone is making a story out of us loners! I feel so honored now. Apart from a few grammatical errors, it sounds really professional. For a second I forgot I was just reading an online story. I like how creepy it is. Kathleen is a bitch, no offense. The main character sounds like a real person, too. Like someone I can relate to. I'm very loner-ish as well. I can't wait to read chapter 2. Great job!
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Pundit
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418 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:17 pm Post subject: |
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| The first chapter sucks, basically. the reason is the reader doesn't know to expect some thing weird whe she turns around. all the preveious "weird" things fall into a catgory "weird but normal"
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Pundit
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:05 pm Post subject: |
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Actually, I like everything else of it that I've read (chapters 1-7).
It's just that you need some sing that something changed, like emma noticing that she doesn't hear a sound from the rest of the class, a dread-inspiring, unnatural silence, before she turns around. The blackout, the security gaurd, and her mothers voice dont prepare you to realize that the rest of the class might be dead. it is a shock without context.
The rest of it is good.
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The lions sing and the hills take flight.
The moon by day, and the sun by night.
Blind woman, deaf man, jackdaw fool.
Let the lord of Chaos rule. |
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LeeshaLeesh
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 8:51 am Post subject: |
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This was an amazing first chapter.
As I was reading, I could clearly see everything you were saying.
The sarcasm, and realness of the piece is evident.
Great job!
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scasha
What would Keynes do?
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436 Points
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telle_04
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671 Points
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| Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 11:23 am Post subject: Re: Land of Sky, Land of Rain (Chapter One) |
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hello, zankoku_na_tenshi...
wow..another fantasy fiction writer..
when i read the first chapter, what caught my attention is the LONG list of succeeding chapters. God, how long are you planning to write?..is the story unfinished yet?
but still, i admire and salute those young people who try to break into the mature world through writing. i'm new here at yws, and i'm enjoying reading fiction.
Land of Sky, Land of Rain...nice title.may i ask where'd you get the idea?..
god bless.
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