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To Swallow a Swallow
To Swallow a Swallow

by Suzanne in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 26, 2006
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Ria (title still pending)

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:34 am    Post subject: Ria (title still pending) Reply with quote

Here it is. Have fun and don't hold back. Thanks This is chapters 1-4 so far. When I post more, it will just be added to this one, at the bottom.

Chapter 1

The night was silent and almost every villager was fast asleep in their beds. But young Ria was still awake. A scroll on the desk and a quill in her hand. Her mind was racing with ideas about a magical world. This world contained creatures that she’d heard about in the local pub. All myths, but they still fascinated her. Legends about dragons, elves, dwarves, and many more unimaginable creatures were written down almost everywhere. She often stayed up late, just to think, but tonight was different. She had a feeling that something was unusual tonight. It was almost too quiet and eerie.

Her thoughts were drawn away from her world as she heard a loud boom. Stumbling out of her chair and over to the window, she peered out. There were seven torch lights in the distance, and they were coming nearer. Ria was almost entranced. The fire from the torch in front, illuminated her face. The leader, a man of about 18 years of age, turned to her. He held his hand up to signal his men to stop, a look of utter surprise on his face. Ria’s heart began to pound.

After a while, the strangers scattered in all directions. She guessed they had not accomplished their task. But what was the boom? Would they be back? What were they after? Her mind was now racing. People were beginning to step outside into the rain, wondering what the loud noise outside was. Ria was already gone from her window, running past her desk with her world on it, and out the door. She stumbled down the stairs and almost fell. Running down the hall, past her parents, and into the kitchen, Ria slid. Grabbing her cloak and shoes, she coasted out the front door. She looked around, but all she saw were the faces of everyday. Not a stranger in sight. Where could they be? It was only a few seconds ago that she watched them leave. They couldn’t have gone far.

As she tried to imagine all the places they could have gone in this village, she started to sprint around, looking in all the shop windows, until she remembered the port, the only place she hadn’t looked yet. Ria’s curiosity got the better of her. She slipped unnoticed around the corner of the nearest shop into the alley. Panting and running toward the north side of town, Ria finally made it. As she peered through the darkness she saw lights moving. Creeping closer, she realized that there were only six lights, not seven. Where was the seventh?

One by one, the lights began to go out. Ria was now looking about frantically. What was going on? Her answer came so suddenly that it took her a second to realize it. All of a sudden she couldn’t see anything and her breath was warm. Flailing her arms out in all directions, she slapped someone. She heard the person stammer around, like it knocked them off balance. Gaining more confidence, Ria swung around and knocked down another person. For all she knew it might be the same one, but she was not going to stop to find out. Pulling the bag off of her head she began to run toward the dock, it was the closest escape route. If all else fails, she could swim back to town.

As she skidded around the corner, Ria ran into someone else. In about a second, she was falling and her head hit wood. She lost consciousness and the last thing she saw was a pair of green eyes staring into hers.

Chapter 2

“What were you thinking? She can’t be here!!” A panicked voice declared. The voices owner’s arms shot out in all directions.

“I’m sorry. Are you the captain?” James’ voice was very strong and sure. As he said this he turned to the accuser, his eyes boring into him with authority.

“Sir, I’m not asking for trouble, but why did you bring her here?” Kena said with a glance at the bright green eyes staring at him. “Now you will have the whole of Nona looking for us. What happened to slip in and slip out with little disturbance to the town? I get out of her looks that this girl was a prized possession of the town and they will not let her be forgotten. They will be chasing us and blaming us for kidnap. We could be hanged!!! I don’t know about you, but I, personally, am not ready for that. We haven’t even found the treasure yet. If it weren’t for her, we probably would be rolling in gold and silver and jewels by now. Why did you have to go chasing after her when you saw her whip around that corner? Couldn’t you understand our situation? WE COULD BE HANGED!!!” As he screamed this a vein in his neck throbbed and his arms began to imitate a crude gesture.

“I heard you the first time, Mr. Kena. If you don’t mind, the captain needs to be alone right now. And do you remember who is the captain?” He was now very angry and frustrated.

Mr. Kena reluctantly mummbled, “You are sir.” That was all as he walked out the door and up the stairs. As he left, James could hear him muttering, “No good, dirty rotten, kid. Thinks he can boss me around. Oh. . . will I show him. Someday. . . Oh someday.”

James turned his eyes onto the woman laying on the floor, sound asleep. Why did he take her onboard? I couldn’t just leave her on the boardwalk, what if she wasn’t alright and she was hurt? What then? A pretty thing like this could die, and then I would have that on my chest too. Ria’s hair was tangled and her face was dirty. James gently removed the dirt from her face with his handkerchief and pulled her hair away from her closed eyes. As he concentrated on her eyes, Ria’s eyelids began to twitch. Getting up slowly, he walked out of the cabin and up the stairs. At the top, he closed and locked the door, as to let her have a peaceful sleep. I wish that I could sleep right now, but I have hell to pay first.

Chapter 3

Ria woke with a pounding headache. What is going on? She tried to stand up, but the pain was unbearable. She slumped back on the ground and took a look around. By the way the floor was moving, she guessed she was on a ship, inside the captains cabin. How did I get on a ship? One by one, the events of the past night came back to her. She stood up, a little shaky in the knees at first, but then regaining her strength, she strode up the stairs and pushed against the door. It was locked. Her heart began to pound, again, and she felt even more shaky.

She walked down the stairs and crashed into a globe. It almost knocked her from her feet, but she caught her balance just in time. Gliding over to a window, she peered out. Sure enough, they were on the sea. Sailing west it looked like by the position of the sun. Turning around, Ria got the full view of the cabin. In the far corner, next to a chair, was a desk. On top of it was a huge stack of papers, maps, and books. Next the chair was the stupid globe she almost tripped over right below the stairs. Ria now looked to her right and saw a closet. Casually walking over to it, Ria opened the doors. Inside were many sets of shirts, pants, and cloaks. An ordinary closet at first glance, but Ria, had to take another look. On the outside of the closet were strange markings. She could decipher a woman and . . . a ship maybe. No maybe the moon. It was so hard to tell what anything was on the outside, but this woman looked oddly familiar. Like she had seen her before. Moving on, she noticed that this closet was very old. As Ria ran her hand over the outside, she could feel how old. Every few centimeters, her hand would go over a little cut in the wood, then maybe a little arch. Not concentrating on what she was doing, Ria ran her hand over a sharp part. Pulling back her hand quickly, she could see blood dripping from her palm. Wincing with pain, she turned away from the closet. It meant nothing to her.

Light streamed into the cabin. Completely turning around, Ria saw the same man that she saw earlier, or maybe it was yesterday, she didn’t know; but he was the same one staring into her eyes, on the dock. Those green eyes stared back at her, most intently. He glided down the stairs and slumped into the nearest chair. He was very burdened. There were black circles around his eyes and they looked as if they would close at any moment. He took a deep breath and sighed.

Ria finally found her voice, “What does that mean?” It sounded accusatory.

“Pardon?”

“You sigh and then don’t say anything. All that I wanted to know was what that big long sigh was for.” She didn’t know why she was being so testy. It bothered her, but she just couldn’t stop.

“Just under a lot of pressure right now. Taking you with us was not part of the plan.”

“Oh? And what was your plan exactly? Sneek in, sneek out? Like that would work. Do you know how many people live in my village? A lot more than you could imagine. I bet that they are already looking for me.” As she said this she became uncertain. Normally, she was long gone by the time that the rest of the village woke up, and came back late at night, where she would stay awake and write for hours.

“Look. Like I said, we weren’t planning on kidnap. If you had just stayed in your cozy home and never followed me, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Ok?” James’ voice rose dramatically. “If I were you, I would not talk right now. I have the power to decapitate you, hang you, and/or make you walk the plank.” He wasn’t really being serious, but it seemed to work. Ria now became very silent and her eyes never left his. Now look what I’ve done. She thinks that I plan to murder her. Probably scared her to death. Well, I guess she deserved it. Questioning me like that. Do I look like a bad man? I’m hardly older than her. James stormed out of the cabin in anger.

Frustration now overcame Ria. Everything was happening too fast. One minute she is in her bedroom writing about her world, then the next she is lying on a dock, almost unconscious, and finally this psycho comes in and says he can basically murder her and get away with it. Looking around, she realized, he didn’t lock the door.

She quietly crept up the stairs, looking around for something to use for protection, but couldn’t find anything. Once at the top, she pressed upon the old oak door. It squeaked open and sunlight almost blinded her. Once she regained her vision, she took a look around. Taking in everything. In front of her was a crew. All assembled and ready for action.

“Well. It looks like sleeping beauty finally decided show up.”

Wiping around, Ria glared at James. “Excuse me! But why are you so rude to me?”

“I think that the better question is why are you so rude and arrogant to me? I have done nothing wrong. If you remember right, it was you who followed me. I didn’t ask for you to come along. I would have been more than happy to take you home until I realized that everyone in you village probably wants to kill me right now, so you might as well get used to being part of a crew.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I said you have to work to stay alive. You are now part of this crew. Either you work or you swim home. I would suggest the first one. It is quiet far to your home island, but I suppose if you can float you could make it home in about two weeks, maybe three.” He stared her down so there was no talking her way out of this one.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Back in the cabin, if you remember, you showed me extreme arrogance and impoliteness. I’m the captain, so you need to respect me. You will learn to respect me.” He smirked. “I didn’t forget to lock the door.” There was a pause, almost as if he wanted this to sink in, no only for her, but for everyone else. “ Now, meet the crew.”

One by one, the men introduced themselves. The only one that didn’t seem to enthused at her being there, besides James, was the first mate, Kena. He glared at her from halfway across the deck, then moved out of sight down into the galley.

"Pardon, but who was that over there?" Ria asked a young man named Yuoni, who had volunteered to show her the ropes.

His eyes strayed over to where Ria had just gestured. "Who? Kena? Oh, don't worry about him. He is almost harmless."

"What do you mean 'almost' harmless?" Ria let her imagination run wild for about ten seconds before Yuoni answered.

"Well, we've never really heard his story." Seeing Ria's puzzled look, he explained, "Most every sailor on this crew has a story. Nobody really decides that they want to be a Pirate, in so many words, or not, but they have to be cast away." Ria gave him yet another look of confusion. Trying to decide how to explain it, Yuoni thought, "By cast away, I mean. . . not wanted anywhere else. Runaways, outlaws; that sort of thing." Finishing his little speech, Yuoni looked triumphant.

"So all crew members have a story? What about the captain, James, is it?" Ria questioned.

Whispering so as to not be overheard, Yuoni said, "I cannot tell you his story, Miss Ria. Mainly because I don't know it. Alls that I know is that one day he shows up at a Port south of Nona. While there he gets himself a ship, and part of a crew. Some say that he is crazy, others that when he was young he heard too many stories. Stories of treasure. Now, we believe that he is chasing after one of those stories. No one has enough courage to ask him though. Truth be known, he has the wimpiest crew on the seven seas."

Chapter 4

As the week progressed, Ria grew more and more impatient with James. She was slowly breaking under the pressure of him always harping down her neck at all the things he wanted her to do. As she would walk around the deck, doing whatever the captain told her to do, Ria would sing. It calmed her down so she no longer wanted to strangle the young man commanding her, but it still didn’t satisfy her. She thirsted for a way to prove to him, she could be someone. She could do something right, unlike what he obviously thought. One particular day, he seemed a bit more agitated than normal.

“Ria,” he screamed, “I thought I told you to scrub the deck.”

That was it. She couldn’t take anymore. Feeling as if all her troubles put together didn’t even amount to these ten word, she bursted. “James, you have been running me dry, and I have something to say. WHY? You seem to be a captain with a crew. A fully equipped and trained crew, mind you; so why always me? You have some 15 other men around! Why always me doing everything?” As she screamed all of this, she grew red from lack of oxygen.

A little bit flustered from the outburst, James couldn’t respond at first. Then regaining his confidence, he calmly said, “It is not only you doing the work. I think the heat is getting to you.”

“It is not the heat. As any of the crew would agree, you make me do the majority of work. I probably do more work myself than all of the rest of the crew put together! So don’t give me the heat is getting to me line. You just don’t want to tell the truth.” Feeling as if a great weight was lifted from her, she smiled for the first time since she arrived in this hell whole.

“I would prefer if we didn’t discuss this in front of everyone. Why don’t we go into my cabin and talk this out calmly and rationally?”

Ria was not going to go that easily. “Oh? And why can’t we discuss it here? Don’t want to be embarrassed in front of your beloved crew?” Her eyes were boring a whole into his.

Losing all self control, James grabbed Ria by the arm and drug her away. Trying to avoid the brawl of legs, which were kicking out in all directions, James moved down into his cabin. Not even being careful where he drug her, he dropped her at the bottom of the stairs. Rounding on Ria, James shouted, “What do you think you were doing? If you hadn’t noticed, I was finally beginning to gain some control and respect from my men! How could you embarrass me like that?”

Instead of fear, Ria felt guilty. Why did I embarrass him like that? She didn’t even know. “I’m sorry.” was all she could say, and she actually meant it.

James didn’t know if she was faking it or not, but he was pretty sure she wasn’t. Somehow, he believed her. Oddly enough, he just gained some respect for Ria. The fact that she was willing to say that she was sorry, and mean it, was a quality that he respected in people. Looking down into her blue eyes, he felt that he should be ashamed, for she was crying.

“Ria,” he sighed, “I should be the one apologizing. I had no right to shout like that. You have been through a lot lately and me yelling sure didn’t help.”

She immediately stopped crying. “Are we. . . bonding?”

“What?” James said in surprise. “What are you talking about? No. That‘s ridiculous.”

“Well, for the past week, all that you have said to me, just happened to be shouted at me. And I was just thinking, you aren’t yelling. We are actually having a conversation without yelling. Well, at least right now. I can’t promise there won’t be any later, but for right now, no yelling.”

“Yeah, I guess. . . I guess we are sort of bonding, but I wouldn’t call it that,” he added hurriedly. His voice was shaky, but audible, as he said, “ I’m sorry that you are stuck on this ship. I didn’t mean to knock you over and end up taking you with us. I was just scared, that’s all. I didn’t know what was going to happen to you. Some thugs might come along and there would be a young woman lying, unconscious, on the dock, and I just . . .”

“It’s ok, really. I’ve always loved the sea, ever since I almost drowned when I was about seven or eight. I know that I should be afraid of it, you know, for almost dying because of it, but I feel like I owe my life to the sea. I just don’t understand why, but it is a very strong feeling. I feel that somehow, I’m connected to it. Especially now that I’m finally sailing it, even if I did turn into somewhat of a Pirate.” As she said this she remembered the words Yuoni said, Everyone has a story. “James, Yuoni said that everyone has a story; What is yours?”

At these words, James’ heart ached. If he had a choice, he would not be here, his father would not be dead, and he would not be in search of something he had no idea where it was or how to acquire it. “My story? A long and confusing one. What has he told you?” His eyes gleamed with a sudden urge to tell her everything, but he knew she would not understand.

“Well,” She thought out loud, “I think he said something about you just showing up and getting a ship and a crew. . . Oh, I think he also said that you were in search of . . .” deciding on the right words, she sighed, “treasure.”

“Yes, young reliable Yuoni. What would I do without him?” the sarcasm was thickly layered on his words. “Well, as my father so roughly put it when I was younger, ‘You are destined for great things, my king’.”

“But, why did he call you his ‘King’?” Ria pondered out loud.

“I never really found out,” he lied. “All that I know is that I am destined for unwanted things.”

“I don’t understand. Can you please tell me this from the beginning? Believe me, nothing you say will seem ridiculous. I promise.” Her hand went to her side, her palm facing him. A sign of honor.

“Well, I guess it all started with a prophesy. . .”

More chapters will be posted right here later on

If you have any sugestions for a title please tell me. Thanks

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300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, I think this should either be one chapter or divided into two. Four just seems to break it up too much. I also feel that the beginning is a bit rushed. But I may just be used to novels that start slower. Anyway, onto the heart off it.

Quote:
But young Ria was still awake. A scroll on the desk and a quill in her hand.

Two things. First, I get the immediate impression here that she is between 8 and 12. You also have a character call her a girl, reinforcing that. Immediatly after you call her a woman, now giving me the impression that she is either 15-16 or even 20. I think you need to make her age clearer sooner.

Second, I think that first period should be a comma, as the two lines seem to go together as such.

Quote:
Her mind was racing with ideas about a magical world. This world contained creatures that she’d heard about in the local pub. All myths, but they still fascinated her. Legends about dragons, elves, dwarves, and many more unimaginable creatures were written down almost everywhere.

Okay, with what you've written so far, this seems completly irrelevant. If it's foreshadowing however, it's just fine. Just make sure the reader has a stronger sense of why she is so enthralled by it.

Quote:
The leader, a man of about 18 years of age, turned to her. He held his hand up to signal his men to stop, a look of utter surprise on his face.

Okay, is she just looking out the window or is her head sticking out? And why does he seem surprised to see someone after that loud boom went off?

Quote:
People were beginning to step outside into the rain, wondering what the loud noise outside was.

I think you should use "had been" instead of "was", as there seemed to have been some time passing before people came out.

Quote:
Running down the hall, past her parents, and into the kitchen, Ria slid.

Sounds a bit awkward to me. Maybe have the end continue with something like "Ria slid to a halt at the door"?

Quote:
If all else fails, she could swim back to town.

I think "failed" would sound better than "fails" here.

Quote:
The voices owner’s arms shot out in all directions.

This sounds Kinda wierd. How about something like "The speaker flailed his arms about in his distress"?

I really like the dialogue between Kena and James. It flows smoothly and gives insight to the characters personalities. A good example of "show, don't tell". Nice job.

Quote:
James turned his eyes onto the woman laying on the floor, sound asleep. Why did he take her onboard? I couldn’t just leave her on the boardwalk, what if she wasn’t alright and she was hurt? What then? A pretty thing like this could die, and then I would have that on my chest too. Ria’s hair was tangled and her face was dirty. James gently removed the dirt from her face with his handkerchief and pulled her hair away from her closed eyes. As he concentrated on her eyes, Ria’s eyelids began to twitch. Getting up slowly, he walked out of the cabin and up the stairs. At the top, he closed and locked the door, as to let her have a peaceful sleep. I wish that I could sleep right now, but I have hell to pay first.

I really like this paragraph. very nice. Oh, and when you have a person's thoughts, you usually italicise it.

Quote:
By the way the floor was moving, she guessed she was on a ship, inside the captains cabin.

She guessed she was in the captain's cabin by the way the floor moved?

Quote:
She stood up, a little shaky in the knees at first, but then regaining her strength, she strode up the stairs and pushed against the door.

Wow, she seemed to recover quite quickly. Not long before the pain had been unbearable. If there was a lapse of time, maybe try to make that a bit clearer.

Quote:
She walked down the stairs and crashed into a globe.

What? Was she stumbling down the stairs and stumble into it? It just seems sudden and out of place.

Quote:
Next the chair was the stupid globe she almost tripped over right below the stairs.

"next to the chair" I believe. Besides that, nice little detail.

Quote:
Ria now looked to her right and saw a closet.

You mean a wardrobe? A closet seems to imply that it's set into a wall, but you seem to imply that it's a seperate piece of furniture.

Quote:
It was so hard to tell what anything was on the outside, but this woman looked oddly familiar.

Nice bit of foreshadowing. Make sure this has some importance, as the remark sparked my curiosity.

Quote:
He was very burdened.

How does she know? Maybe "He seemed heavily burdened."

Quote:
Sneek in, sneek out?

"Sneek" should be "Sneak".

Quote:
Do you know how many people live in my village?

To me, a village implies a settlement noticably smaller than a town. Just my opinion.

Okay, the entire dialogue between James and Ria just awkward and unnatural. Unfortunaltly, I'm not sure how you could go about changing it. I just know that it sounds off to me. Wish I could be more helpful here. Sad

One more thing, I don't think you should switch viewpoints mid-scene. Stick with Ria, and her thoughts. Don't go back and forth.

Quote:
Wiping around, Ria glared at James. “Excuse me! But why are you so rude to me?”

Sorry, I really don't want to sound rude or mean, but this line really struck a bad chord with me. It just seems like the complete opposite thing that I think someone would say in that situation and it just threw me for a loop. Sorry, but I just feel really strongly about it. Embarassed

Okay, with how Yunoi speaks, I would personaally expect a pirate/runaway/outlaw to not speak so formally. Maybe use more abbreviations like "he's" and "can't". But, that's just me.

Quote:
Ria let her imagination run wild for about ten seconds before Yuoni answered.

Ten seconds seems a long time to answer.

Quote:
Truth be known, he has the wimpiest crew on the seven seas."

So there's seven seas in this world? Just checking facts so you don't trip up because you used a well known phrase.

All right, starting chapter four, I think you should expand it a bit. Give us her experiances of the week. Show us the life of a pirate. What all did she do? Was it smooth sailing? Could there have been a storm? Other complications? Make the reader feel and understand her frustration by going over all those tasks and hardships. Introduce the reader to some of the members of the crew through Ria meeting at least some of them. Show us the week. Give the reader a feeling for the ship and the sea. The one thing you seem to not be telling the reader is a lot of setting details. I just feel like you skipped over quite a bit.(Sorry if this sounds longwinded, but I wanted to get everything out.)

Quote:
Ria would sing.

Where'd the singing come from? Sorry, but it just seems to sudden and put there for the sake of it. But, I could very easily be wrong. Think about it.

Quote:
As she screamed all of this, she grew red from lack of oxygen.

I think "air" would sound better than "oxygen" here.

Quote:
So don’t give me the heat is getting to me line.

"heat is getting to me" should be in quotations since she is quoting James.

Quote:
Her eyes were boring a whole into his.

"whole" should be "hole" and "his" should be "him". Unless you were trying to say something else.

Quote:
“Well, as my father so roughly put it when I was younger, ‘You are destined for great things, my king’.”

“I never really found out,” he lied.

Nice foreshadowing. Is he a king? A prince? Was his father crazy? It makes you think.

Quote:
“Well, I guess it all started with a prophesy. . .”

Now, I'm not normally one who likes prophesies in stories, but you fit it in there so well that it sounds really good there, and apprpriate. I like how you lead up to the story telling.

Again, I feel that the dialogue is a bit awkward and unnatural here. And again, I'm not sure how to help.


Whew, that took a bit, and I think that's everything. Overall, I like this story. Personally, I don't feel there are really enough good heroines out there, and I think Ria could end up an impressive one. From what you've put down and foreshadowed so far, I think I have a vauge idea on where this story may be going, and I like what I see (in my mind). So, other than a few odd sounding segments, it sounds solid to me. I look forward to reading where this is going. I hope this helps, and please keep writting.
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