Young Writers Society

A/N: The poem, if you didn't catch it, was about substance abuse, mainly drug abuse. If you didn't catch that, well, I didn't do my job properly. This is just a rough draft and I know it needs a lot of work. I started writing this spontaneously while watching the last episodes of season two of Skins, around the time when Chris died. The words just flew out onto the computer, and I rather like this poem and don't want to give it up so easily. So, with that said, please help me to make this better.

EDIT: To clear things up a bit, the poem is in the perspective of the drug, not the drug abuser.
ReiseP.

Hey ReisePiecey,

Lovely. It didn't immediately hit me that the poem was about drug abuse, but by the last stanza I was starting to realise. And even throughout the entire poem, it coveyed the dark and disturbed feeling of substance abuse/some type of self-harm. The second stanza almost made me feel as if the narrator had an eating disorder or something of the sort - which wouldn't be too out of place as such things can often go with substance/drug abuse.

The reason I like this poem is the sadness and truthfullness that it conveys. You tell the narrator's story with such an honesty that makes it possible for the reader to relate. I love some of the lines you've used especially:

And all that’s holding me together tries to explode and be free

I think that lines conveys the feeling you're trying to show particularly well - it's relatable and a feeling true to life.

I like it as it is, but I have to admit that I think it could be improved. I think you should just read through it, perhaps try and split it into shorter stanzas - but only if you can without ruining the rhythm - and try and cut out any bits which don't quite fit. I'd suggest that you'd change it so a little more of the poem relates to what the narrator is doing right now, where they are. I'd like it if you explained a little more how the addiction made the narrator feel, in particular why they felt they had to keep on doing it. It's quite a hard subject to write about clearly and without melodrama.

One thing that bothers me is the fact that you keep mentioning "the blade". I think that was really the part which made me think "self-harm" rather than "drug abuse". With drug abuse, the reoccuring image of the blade just doesn't quite seem to fit. Maybe you could supplement some of the parts where you keep mentioning it with something else?

Still, although this poem doesn't have a particularly defined structure and could definitely be revised a little to make it even better, I really liked it, its honesty and it seemed to flow quite well when I read it. So well done with it!

~MorningMist~

Cold, very cold. What're you doing this winter?

Anyways, great poem. The solemnity of the drear it exudes easily fits with the harshness you mention in the poem. The length is good enough to clearly explain the overview of your perspective.

I think the only problem is your word choice because you don't keep a certain theme. First it was long, then it was emotional, then a bit harsh. Try to see that next time.

I'm net the best writer around, so try to get a second opinion too!

Al

Thank you both. I added a little edit to the end of the poem to clear up a few things.

Haiii! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get to this! I had it on my list to do sooner but then the holidays got really crazy for me and I completely forgot. Anyway, here you go:

Specifics

1.

They cut me open until I collapsed at the blade
And drank my insides for a better life

Alright so this sounds good but the problem is that it's impossible to tie an image to, even after having read the poem through once and knowing what it's about. You need to aim for more clarity.

The closest I can think of to substance abuse here is something alcohol related, but you wouldn't cut open a bottle and I struggle with the idea of it being drugs as while you might drink them in through your veins, you don't cut them in any way first. Unless it's coke or something and you're meaning to 'cut' in the sense that you can cut coke with other substances, but even then it doesn't work to describe snorting it as drinking it.

2.

The iron maiden with rusted swords and daggers
The damsel in distress with poison laced finger tips

These images are brushed over too quickly to have much strength and they contradict each other. What I'd suggest instead is choose one and really dig under the surface and explore it fully. I'd suggest the first as that's the stronger and more intriguing of the two. I love the idea that drugs are like an iron maiden. I'm not so sure that 'rusted swords and daggers' is a very strong follow up as that seemed mundane to me and instead of continuing the iron maiden image started to step away. Instead I think you need to describe the drug as being the iron maiden in more of a personified way. Maybe something like:

'The iron maiden who swallows you up
and prints on your flesh'

3.

I don’t want to be sheltered and horded for your pleasure
Don’t save me
Don’t protect me
Don’t respect me
Don’t you praise me, let me go

I'm not sure about these lines. They're a little rambly and repetetive.

4.

If I had my way, and everything went as it should
You wouldn’t find me again
You wouldn’t remember my name
Or know where to get me
The footprints left in the snow are erased by rampant winds
Blustering crowds expunge my path
Overstocked, overpriced, undeveloped showgirls and party boys
They all want to use me
But lose me in the rush and the storm
If you chase me you just might never see me again
If you want me I won’t come
This winter
I’m hiding away from you

This section here is one of my favourites in the poem. It could use some grammar and a few words could be tightened up but I love the tone and the raw emotion behind it. More of this please.

5.

Trace my veins with the poison blade

I know you want this to be as ambiguous as you can make it until the end when it becomes clearer that you're speaking as the drug, but describing it as if therre are 'veins' completely threw me. That's going to make people think this is a human speaking and that the theme is drug abuse between two lovers or drug abuse as a metaphor for love. If you want to be clearer, you need to avoid using veins or anything that directlly links with human anatomy. It would work to say 'Trace your veins' if you wanted to keep the line.

6. I feel that a lot could be stripped away in that second stanza without damaging the poem. Everything from line five onwards feels very rough and it's only every now and then that a word or an imagge recaptures my attention. I think it's lcking in direction. Your first stanza really follows the ride of th drug but then this one flounders about too much. It needs to be dipping and diving. Maybe you could have the ttone drop away to reflect the downs of drug use, or you could have the tempo pick up even more speed to follow the excitement and the rush of it before the fall. I'm not sure but I just feel like you need more imagery and more movement.

7. I'm not sure that you tie the drug abuse theme and the winter theme together very well. They feel almost like they're seperate story lines weaving awkwardly in and out. There are some lines I like in the third stanza, particularly line 3. It feels very detached in the first half though.

8.

You used me
Smoked me
Drank me
Ate me
Purged me
Sniffed me

I like this. Normally I'm not a fan of lists in poetry but the pace you build here and the words themselves work really well together.

Overall

Okay so I love the idea behind this poem and you've got a few really strong concepts that I think could be great with some more expansion, such as the iron miaden. However, it needs to be tighter. Your structure is too loose in places and it starts to feel like it's rambling away. You need to really tighten those emotions and decide what direction you're going in so that you can shape your rhythm and your struture to fit the overall content of the poem.

Hopefully this has been helpful and feel free to pm me with questions,

Heather xxx