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Young Writers Society


The Prototype (stick man playing alone outside)



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279 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 40
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Fri Dec 09, 2011 8:01 pm
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MasterGrieves says...



Stupid motherfucker took my spot;
he thinks he is some sort of God
and I know he isn't. So before you
spit at my face, acknowledge who
you are talking to.

Idiotic counsellor gave me meds
to help me concentrate. In bed,
I scatter together dust to keep
my brain in check- whenever I sleep,
all I pray is to never wake up.

Cut my stomach open.
A postmortem that's floating
around in the nurse's ears,
until I no longer have fears.
Guess this is what you get,
for always narrowly escaping fate
every fucking time.

I am like a stickman,
playing with my hand.
I find solutions out of, well
I assume it's hope- or, hell,
maybe even a smile that would never
crack the surface of my lips.

I loved you for a while,
until I realised I could never smile.
"Two timer!" "Cheat!" Oh, those
screams are powerful as internal blows,
shattering confidence like glass.
Always never letting anyone pass,
you put up that one special barrier.

The building is a mess- yet I don't know why
an atrocity like this draws me like a fly.
Is it home? A sign from God? Maybe he knows
that it's about now I get what I want. Never shows
his face, even for a few thousand. Gambling faith
over across the table to people, who think they are safe
but they are just being exploited.

The sickness is burning.

Go with him. You will find out
what I have done because she will shout
the words "affair" to you, in such a quick
chain of events, and the real true dick
in me will confront you.

"Yes, I did that shit. Why? I felt
lonely, and that no one will know well
enough what to do what me." The final word
leaves me hollow. Much like things absurd
in my writings. My memoirs, which lack
subtlety to say the least, is a false artifact
that cheapens me.

Now this is getting fucked. My heart
is burning, like a furnace of malice. Apart
from my harsh motives what I say is flawed
and the weight on my shoulders...oh, I swore
to protect you. Now the burden is kept.

YOUR HEART IS FAKE. GET OUT OF THIS HELL
BEFORE YOU START TO CRUMBLE AND YOU KNOW WELL
I HAVE SPILT MY HEART OVER SOMETHING SO SINCERE
THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO DO BUT GO THROUGH WITH THE FEAR,
THE FEAR YOU WILL GO. NOW JUST LEAVE.

Leave.
Please.
Leave me alone.
The Nation of Ulysses Must Prevail!

If you don't like Mikko, you better friggin' die.

The power of Robert Smith compels you!

Adam + Lisa ♥


When you greet a stranger look at his shoes.
Keep your money in your shoes.


I was 567ajt
  





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662 Reviews



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Points: 52441
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Fri Dec 09, 2011 8:41 pm
dogs says...



Hey Ajt! Dogs here with your review today! Oh man I got to come up with a better nick name for you... Any ideas? Because if not I'll just give you a nick name that I like and you may or may not like it ;) lols. Anywhooo! Great poem you got here I really enjoy the style of this story telling format through dialogue. I haven't decided if the excessive cussing adds or hurts your character. To be honest, I think you are right it does increase the depth of the character. This is a great way to use an overused topic and change it into something else. You really succeeded on making this poem stand out from the rest of all the poems talking about getting their heart broken and I commend you for that!

The last two stanzas, strong, so powerful, so much depth and character. I think that this is most certainly one of your stronger and better poems that you have written partially because of the unusually format that I don't see everyday which I like! And the strong vocabulary that you use to inflect your emotions and images on the reader. You have accomplished your job as a writer flawlessly in my opinion. You have made the reader understand and feel how the character feels. You made us understand his insanity which is very difficult to do because first you have to understand your characters insanity and then you have to mold your character shaped with insanity, and then you have to make the reader understand what your character is feeling.

There are only two things that are missing here. You have run into a small snag that everyone faces when creating a character and writing a dialogue based story about him or her. That is layering the character, your character can't be one sided and always complaining about the same thing. You have to give your character depth which is incredibly hard to do. Not layering your character does hurt your poem a little but not to much because although it is a huge part of characters it really only makes the character stronger and so us readers can deal with seeing a character without depth and partially because it is god near impossible to accomplish everything you have so bravely taken on.

Finally, this poem reads more like a book then an actual poem which can and does take away from the poetry feel and aura that most of your pieces have. Regardless... I still love this piece and although it isn't perfect it is still a fantastically written by you. Congrats!!! Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
Be a cool kid and do my Short Story Contest! viewtopic.php?f=404&t=97148&p=1122883#p1122883

"Quoth the Raven. Nevermore" - Edgar Allan Poe
  





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532 Reviews



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Points: 27927
Reviews: 532
Mon Dec 12, 2011 4:48 pm
ArcticMonkey says...



Hiya! Sorry for the lateness, but here is the review as requested :)

Firstly, I'd like to point out that this is one of the most powerful poems I've read and you can tell through the emotion put through it and your use of words and imagery. The voice is very dramatic, and it suits the style. The thing I don't quite like about it is there are a few awkward rhymes and it kind of ruins the flow and the pace. I'm going to go into more detail now;).

Okay, so to start with the voice, I think that it's very powerful and the fact that you've made it person adds to the style. However, I do think that it's a bit too...like scary and what makes it worse is that it's quite hard to understand so some people may not interpret it positively and look at it as an angry poem filled with swears. Also, as this is quite a long poem I agree with dogs ub saying that it would suit quite nicely as a short story.

And now moving onto the meaning, I had to read it a few times to get the general feel of the poem and to actually understand the meaning and what I got from it was that it was about someone who passed away and the regret the person feels or something like that. The emotions conveyed are a mix between anger and sadness as used in your vocabulary and techniques. I have especially like this simlilie you use:
screams are as powerful as internal blows

and generally the main metaphor of 'the stick man'.

I think your layout is really intersting and it makes the poem interesting as well. I really like your last three lines as they are really powerful, and because they don't connect with the general structure of the other parts of the poem it really makes it stand out. I really like this part as well:
The sickness is burning.

I also like how you've varies your punctuation because I've noticed that people often have a stanza structure and a punctution structure and you don't and it makes it better and suits he style of the poem more. :)

Alright, you guessed it, a few quick nitpicks:
Stupid motherfucker took my spot;
he thinks he is some sort of God

Are these supposed to rhyme or not, because they don't really sound the same...
an atrocity like this draws me like a fly.

I feel this similie was just thrown in there to rhyme, perhaps you could explain it to me? ;)
There are a few other things in there, basically I just want you to read it out and see if every rhyme you've put in the re actually rhymes when you read it out and check if the pace is right, because I saw some rhymes in there and I had to read them out in a really funny way to notice there was a rhyme xD

Overall, I liked this poem, it was different to many poems I've read in the past...In a good way. I'd recommend reading it over to improve on the pace and stuff.

Keep Writing!
-Arc
(p.s. sorry for any spelling mistakes, I'm quite bad at them xD)
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:57 pm
SwallowedByInsanity says...



Hey ajt! (: I'd like to begin by saying that this is full of heart and emotions, and that's something every writer desperately wants to show up on the paper when they press their pens to it. The poem itself overall as a whole was magnificent. Not a line out of place or a word misused. I admire the passion that pours from it and the caps at the end were like screaming in my head! The only thing I would like to point it is this,
567ajt wrote:"Yes, I did that shit. Why? I felt
lonely, and that no one will know well
enough what to do what me."

I'm not sure quite what you mean by "no one will know well enough what to do what to me".
Perhaps you made an error in your wording? That's the only thing I was confused about, the rest was lovely (:
Keep writing!
Love is a poison, but it is also the antidote.

The insanity at my fingertips is not even slightly coherent.
  








Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus