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Hell's Forest: Chapter Two: The Beginning of My End



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Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:42 pm
AlfonsoFernandez says...



Hell's Forest had nothing to do with Hell. It wasn't even in Hell. It wasn't even a forest. It had once been, until the fire of 2009. Now, it was just a plain, and somewhere near the center, was the only vegetation left. Thick clumps of trees stood proudly, hiding the beasts that inhabited the "forest". Hell's Forest was called like that only because it had once been a forest, and there were many mythical creatures there, creatures that could kill a man in instants, creatures that could be born, according to the villagers, only in Hell.

But Hell's Forest wasn't the only strange place around there. In fact, the whole country was strange. One of the only countries left in the world where monarchy still existed. And there I was, in the strangest country in the world, in the strangest part of that country.

Although, there weren't many other options. I couldn't believe how my life had turned around in a few weeks. I had been one of the wealthiest men in the village, which was the country of the capital. I was a very good friend of the prince, and I was a happy man. But then he had disappeared, the prince, my old friend, and the blame was put on me, the most humble man of all, I, who had been with the prince the night when he disappeared. He was gone, vanishing in his way from my mansion to his. And then the blame had been put on me, when I had nothing to do with him. I was punished with a life-sentence in jail. So I ran away. Into the forest, my only possibility of finding the prince. And then I had met the man. He had explained to me how he could give me my life back if I brought him the king. How both of us could rise to power. I didn't trust him, he was using me. But he knew as well as I did that that was all I could do. And so I decided to obey him, where there was a spark of hope of survival.

Mistakes. I regretted it much. I shouldn't have come in the first place. It had been because of the king's son, who's name was Frederick, an old friend of mine, who had disappeared. That's when I thought that the forest was the only place that he could be in. That's when I started this suicide mission. This quest for the disappearances to stop. And it had all been in vane. For I was now following this beast deeper into the forest while he explained situations to me. Mistakes. Big mistakes.

"People think I am a beast," he said, "I need that to stop. And I can only stop it with the king's help, and yours."

I stared at him, my look meaning: I will kill you someday, you disgusting animal! Apparently, he could read my thoughts, for he said:

"By the time you get the willpower to do it, you will have changed your mind. Believe me, I am no evil beast."

"I will never help you! Whatever you are thinking will not happen, your plans will fail, and I will dedicate my last breath to make sure of that! You are a beast, and if you think you're changing it, you are not. You will never be human."

"I once was. It was someone who made me this, and I will take revenge by capturing the king. My plans will not go wrong, because I have been planning this for many years. And you, you will not fail me."

He stopped, and I almost walked into him. He lifted his arm and something dark swooped down on it. It was a hawk. But it was black, and seemed to made out of smoke, with ruby red eyes.

"Now, enough talk," he said, petting his hawk, "Go to the castle, I will be watching your progress. Remember, I am the only chance you have. I will go with you, but first, I have something to do. I will assist you as soon as I can. This will be the spot were we will come back if anything happens and we get separated, so remember it well. If you need any help, I will be there. Until then, farewell."

Smoke blew all around him, and when it receded, he was gone, along with his bird. Suddenly I felt relieved, the man was gone. I will be watching your progress, he had said. I wondered if he was looking at me even now, but I could feel a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew my mission was almost impossible, but anything was better than that man. Renewed with a new, happy air, I made my way towards town. Or in other words, my certain doom.
"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."
- Pliny the Elder

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Sun Dec 11, 2011 7:03 pm
lili024 says...



Its really good! The name of the chapter cracked me up, but you did some mistakes.
Like you say you are the prince's old friend and that he dissapeared two times.
But it is still great :)
Lili
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Sun Dec 11, 2011 7:04 pm
AlfonsoFernandez says...



Thanks!
"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."
- Pliny the Elder

[insert inspiring quote]
  





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Sat Jan 07, 2012 7:20 pm
theotherone says...



Hello again. :)

Mistakes. I regretted it much. I shouldn't have come in the first place. It had been because of the king's son, who's name was Frederick, an old friend of mine, who had disappeared. That's when I thought that the forest was the only place that he could be in. That's when I started this suicide mission. This quest for the disappearances to stop. And it had all been in vane. For I was now following this beast deeper into the forest while he explained situations to me. Mistakes. Big mistakes.

I feel like there is a little bit too much repetition in this chapter, at the beginning, but I realized that it is information that you can't really get rid of. Maybe change the phrasing so it doesn't seem as if you are repeating the same thing over and over again?

Apart from that, it was good too. It was short and go straight to the point, which is great. I think you can probably play a little bit more with the emotion of your MC, isn't he afraid of what he's about to do?

Again, I can't really say anything about the plot this early on in the story, but from what I can tell, it seems like a good and original plot. People will enjoy reading this. :)

Keep on writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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We are great at fearing the wrong things.
— Hank Green