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This thread was created on July 25, 2006
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The Boatman [Chapter 1]
The Boatman [Chapter 2] -UPDATED
The Boatman [Chapter 3]
The Boatman [Chapter 4]

The Boatman Chapters 5,6 and 7

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 8:48 am    Post subject: The Boatman Chapters 5,6 and 7 Reply with quote

The first part of the Boatman :http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=7810&highlight=

New Part:

Chapter 5

Mersey, still in shock continuously thought of what his grandmother said, he had left her sleeping. He came home, half asleep only to see his father not dressed in his leathery armour but a grey robe, with a scarf drooping from his neck.

“Get dressed.” His voice carried, although the masterful tone had gone, it was a joyous tone. A red light beamed through the tunnels, Mersey suddenly realised, it was: Kretor, Creation. The underground city of magical users, was formed 200 years from this day. His father was a proud man, no matter how much the non-magic users beat, tortured and raped his family, he would carry on believing and practising his faith.

Mersey pushed the prophesy aside in his mind and dressed in a man-gown. The went back into the city and headed for the great lighthouse.

”The Leuchphare.” Earl said, a twinkle in his eye, looking up to the lighthouse, its cascading beams circling the city with red. Earl then looked at Mersey with a face of disgust, Mersey had hurredly thrown on his gown and he looked like last years fairy.

Mersey looked up from below Leuchphare, its height was immense, its peak was only feet away from the ornate ceiling, its diameter humongous. On the sides were engravings in strange runes, certainly not anything Mersey had ever seen.

The entered Leuchphare, Earl dashed off to meet some very similar men leaving Mersey to admire Leuchphare’s interior. A single room bathed in the colour of blue, pristine and clean to the touch. Several large banquet tables lay across the enormous breadth of Leuchphare, they were laden with bowls of food, whole pigs and lambs on each table and a blue sapphire painted in the centre.

The people were dressed as his father, long dress like cloaks, many tattered. People had cleaned up for this memorable event. All of them were pale skinned, their pupils were verticle slits like his own but they were grey, not black like his own eyes. His skin was dark – theirs were pale, even his father was like them. Mersey had often wondered why he was different, why he looked unique in the midst of his race.

The sound of a boars horn bellowed through Leuchphare. The room began chanting a single word over and over again. Mersey found himself roped in, chanting away.

“Prince, Prince, Prince, Prince…”

A firework went off on one of the tables, bright red sparks shot off into all directions, whistling. The hall burst into laughter. Smoke followed the lights and then cleared revealing a man, ancient face, crooked but a cheeky, rebellious grin on his bald head. Cheers erupted from the crowd as the Prince struggled for a bow.

“Welcome to the two hundredth birthday of Leuchphare and more importantly the city of Leuchphare” His voice was boisterous and tingled with the essence of fun, who would never have thought by looking at him. “It’s been a whole year…” He began gesticulating with his rugged hands. “…Since we last met together, so lets make the most of it, and allow the party to start.” A crystal goblet appeared in his hand and then filled with wine; he drank it back before smashing the goblet to signify the two hundredth anniversary had begun.

The Prince stepped down from the table, a mini-crowd formed trying to talk to him about serious, political matters, the Prince only offered them wine. Mersey watched the Prince, he liked him, he didn’t let politics bother him, he was fun loving and didn’t really care about anything, like Mersey. Mersey took a goblet, peering around to check his father wasn’t looking and drank up some mead. It was heaven on his tongue.

The Prince made his way to a seat at the head of the table where he tucked into a chicken leg. The others followed, one by one sat in order of what they thought was important. They waited until he finished his first plate of food.

“Begin!” He chuckled spooning several potatoes onto a fresh platter.

Mersey eagerly went for the seat next to the prince, he sat opposite a sly looking man, bowl cut brown hair.

“My prince…” The man began in a hissing whisper, “..you believe he should be sitting next to you.” His eyes shifted towards Mersey. Mersey raised an eyebrow to the man. Mersey knew exactly who he was: The Prince’s right hand man, no one liked him, he was detestable.

“Of course, you know the Prince welcomes the company of anyone Cresh..” The Prince winked at Mersey. Mersey was next to the Prince now; he seized the chance to question him about Constables death.

“Excuse me,” Mersey coughed, “I was wondering if you could tell me about Constable…” Cresh bit his bottom lip. The Prince wiped his mouth with some tissue as he turned to Mersey.

”Constable was murdered, I know nothing more.” He answered bluntly, too bluntly, the Prince was hiding something.

“What about Isabel..her face.” Mersey persisted. Cresh stood and slammed his hands on the table.

”Matters of the great one and the Prince are none of your business,” Cresh roared, the room went silent. Earl stood and looked at Mersey with a mixture of anger and disappointment. “Perhaps you should beat your boy more often,” Cresh sneered, sitting back down with a smug face. All eyes were on Earl who was red in the face, ready to strike, his finger glowered and a flash of blue light travelled through the air when suddenly it stopped.

Gasps were heard around the room, Mersey looked at his father, staring in disbelief. The oil lamps went out but one from the corner of the room, suspended in mid air. A draught rushed through Leuchphare.

A cold, dark voice was heard coming from the corner. The Prince’s eyes widened, as did Merseys as they both looked on at the Boatman.

”So sorry to interrupt the celebrations.” The Boatman uttered in his gravely voice. The Prince stepped from his seat and kneeled before the Boatman, as did everyone accept Mersey who stared in curiosity.

“I bring news my friends.” He lowered his hood revealing the clear view of the bald head, slit-like eyes and blue lipped mouth. He paced around the aisles of kneeling people with arrogance and mastery, he rose slightly and hovered, increasing his speed slightly, Mersey felt a sharp coldness, the closer he got, the sharper the chill. He came to Earl and placed his bony hand on his head.

“Punishment is only for the wicked my servant.” Earl lowed his head to the floor and kissed his robes. The Boatman’s eyes yellowed and Earl was forced to stand.

“You all disappoint me, kneeling before me. I am not your master nor your God!” His voice became viscous and displeased. “STAND you fools, do you not realise the situation,” He roared increasing in rage. “And you…” He looked to the Prince. “Sit here in all your pleasure, cowering before those above, living in the shadows, your leadership is not good, you shall be punished.” The Boatmans eyes flashed yellow and the Prince became withered, weak and barely able to move.

“I granted you life Prince, you are too old and have raced against nature to keep your age, this is your true age, weak, pathetic and inches from death.” The people rose from the floor and stood respectively.

Mersey felt a tear drip from his eye as the Boatman did this, fear and hate welled up inside of him.

“BASTARD!” Mersey bawled across the hall. The Boatman turned and looked him directly in the eye.

“For that you are ignorant, I am not a bastard, I have no mother or father nor will I ever have children, I am neither born nor will die and shall shadow these worlds forever.” He slowly approached Mersey and circled him.

“Yyyou hurt him.” Mersey stuttered.

“I punished him, these times are dark, a lazy leader is as good as being in slavery.” Mersey remained silent; the Boatman was not a man, thing, being to be crossed.

“Your name?”

“Mmersey”

“Next time you argue against my wisdom you will be punished, one day you will understand that my word is sacred.” His lips curled into a smile showing blackened gums. The Boatman travelled away and back to Earl.

“Look around”, he said to him. “Give me the names of 2 children here!” The Boatman ordered Earl. Earl looked around, as did Mersey: Nothing. Only Mersey was below the age of 50. “Your ignorance amuses me.” The Boatman spat. “You were going to punish your only son for speaking his mind.” His voice rose again, Earls face glowed red liked he was being told-off by a school master.

“We are a dying race my friends, so desperate to live children mean nothing. Mersey is the only child in half a century, and as a result precious to us, not to be punished…” He turned to Cresh “…Or ABUSED” Again the eyes flashed, Cresh kneeled in excruciating pain, crying, wailing and writhing on the floor.

Mersey couldn’t resist smirking at this, the Boatman turned slightly seeing this but ignored him.

“You people disgust me!” Mersey turned, people seemed ashamed, heads bowed and red faces.

“As I was saying, I have news. Constable and Delzette are dead, I killed them with my own aura. Isabel will not listen to my orders, and you are all in danger of being rooted out and caught this very minute, tortured like animals.”

Mersey gasped taking in some cold air.

“Mersey, you are precious as I said. You are vitally important to the fate of this hovel you live in as well as much bigger things, we will contact you when needed.” The Boatman vanished into the shadows as the oil lamps lightened again.

Chapter 6

Mersey widened his eyes, trying to get rid of the water marks surrounding it, he was in his room, dark, damp but still comfortable, his room was his private world. It was a niche for him to go into and hide away from his problems. He brought his dirty needs to his chest and cuddled them, the only thing that wouldn’t complain when he was near now.

People had given him the silent treatment since the Boatman had nearly killed the Prince and punished them, Earl, his father wouldn’t look him in the eye. Mersey got up and scurried down the tunnel, quickly passing his fathers workshop, he was hungry and thought the best place would be to steal some from the market, he hadn’t eaten for days now, his stomach demanded something now.

He floated up through the tunnel and out through the dustbin lid with a single touch of the key at the bottom, he placed it under the brick and ran through the city streets, heading for the markets. The main street provided a small stretch before another turn was needed, he was there. The market bustling with life, the smells of spices, the jingling of coins. It raised Mersey’s spirits a little but it wasn’t long before he came to his senses and looked hard to find a food market, his thoughts were sidetracked when his eyes came to a stall, no bustling or happiness but a cold whipping and dark jeers of onlookers: The slave market.

Naked children stood on the bench, chained and shackling. Their eyes were filled with woe. Blood seeped from their battered skin as the final lash caught them. There were four in total, three boys and a girl. The girl caught his eye – she was dark skinned and had jaded eyes with vertical pupils. Mersey looked at his own skin, dark, she was from the same place as he, not from here in the north.

Mersey shared their pain.

“20 gold for a boy, 5 for a girl,” roared the marketer, a fat woman with drooping eyes. Several onlookers bartered with her until all the boys were pulled down by the neck with the chains and handed over to the buyer.

Mersey’s stomach rumbled again, he found a stall and quickly grabbed two appled, he ate them rapidly before looking at the slave stall once more, the slave market came once every few years, the same woman selling them to rich nobles – Earl had once told Mersey the Slaves were from tribes in the east.

A horn sounded and the merchants packed away. The slaver marketer took the remaining girl and placed her in a cage in the store rooms at the side of the market place. In time the market was bare, Mersey stayed until no one was around, still curious about the slave girl.

He crept up to the storeroom and entered, a vast warehouse lay ahead with allsorts of things from fruit to animals, he searched until a hand reached out of a cage, he looked at it and the girl had her face pressed against it. Mersey sat, cross legged in front of her, looking at her in awe. Her skin was leather, like his own, but her eyes were softer, weaker.

He swivelled his head around, analysing her in every detail until she opened her mouth and spoke.

“Hello.” Mersey jumped back in fright, clenching his chest.

“You scared me.”

“Where are my brothers?” She asked, her eyes full of sorrow.

“I don’t know, they are with those men who err…bought them!” The girl said nothing for some moments, Mersey broke the silence, “So, do you have a name?”

“Mistress Allern called me Runt” She said still glaring at him almost freakishly.

“Ok Runt, I’m Mersey!” Mersey announced, he liked Runt, for some reason she seemed, innocent, genuine, unlike his previous encounter with a woman: Delzette. And what is more Runt was like him, same skin, hair, eyes. He was curious about himself, the only way he would find out about himself and his father was if Runt answered some questions.

“Do you know where you came from?” Mersey asked again, Runt pondered this.

“No, I’ve lived with Mistress Allern as much as I can remember, travelling from place to place, my brothers have too only they were always for sale, I was her assistant.” Runt said proudly, buffing out her chest. “…Until recently…”

“What happened?” Mersey persisted.

“I did something…I touched a rock and it floated… I don’t know what happened.”

Mersey smirked at this, she obviously discovered her powers. Mersey picked up a handful of sand and made it float.

”Like this?” The girls eyes widened In disbelief.

“How did you…? But that’s not pos… Surely you are fakin…” She blurted out, a thousand thoughts in her head.

Mersey lowered the sand and stood up.

“You know Mistress Allern is going to sell you?” He said smirking. “And the buyer will be some pervert who will do nasty things.” Runt lowered her head and cried.

“There’s a better life! There’s my life.” Mersey said, showing off which he always did, it was a ploy to detract from his moral problems.

”Tthere is?”

“Yes” Mersey placed his hand on the lock and concentrated his hardest, trying to force his magic into usability. He tried and tried but nothing came.

Footsteps were heard some yards away, a booming voice, a woman’s voice.

“Who the hell left this door open!” She shouted.

“Its mistress Allern” cried Runt. Mersey broke into a sweat, he looked around, Allern standing, full rage, and heading into a barge.

The power came at last, his eyes lot up and the lock melted in his hands, he threw it aside and dragged runt out, pulling her at his speed back out to the exit. Allern charged after them.

“COME HERE RUNT!” She roared bearing vicious teeth. Mersey laughed as they ran way ahead of the rotund woman and out through the exit, locking the warehouse door behind them.

”The doors closed now!” Mersey jeered spinning round seeing a platoon of royal soldiers in front of him.

Chapter 7

Rows and rows of hundreds of guards stood in perfect formation in the market square filling every cranny. Their coats were red, they had but a singe sword on their weapon belt. These weren’t dressed for battle, they were dressed for parade. Parades meant the Divinasa was coming.

Every year the Divinasa would come, he was the Emperor of the known world. The non-magic users saw him as a God, Divine one, they loved and worshipped him. To magic users he was seen as a murderer of thousands of their kind. Every year he would come and expect the Machambre house to pay homage to him, also he would require entertainment provided by the citizens. Earl always thought it a farce – but failure to comply would mean death.

Mersey was shocked when the soldiers didn’t attack, he looked up at them, their eyes didn’t move at all, they were but statues. Mersey in a courageous test waved in one of their faces, still no reaction. Knowing he was safe and took Runt’s hand and patrolled down the platoon rows.

“What’s happening?” Asked Runt meekly, turning around looking at all the soldiers.

“I don’t know Runt, I think the Divinasa is coming.”

“The Divi-what?”

“The Divinasa, he is ‘Ruler of all things’.” Mersey imitated childishly.

“You know—“

As Mersey was about to speak the ground shook, the soldiers still did not move. The sky blackened and lightening riddled through the clouds. Four huge white blobs rocketed through the sky towards the market place, they came ever closer until their features were distinguishable.

Mersey rubbed his eyes in disbelief but four humongous white tigers flew through the sky. Runt stared at them, her pupils got thinner and her jaw dropped.

The tigers landed, they ruffled their heads and yawned, bearing fangs as big as Mersey’s entire body. They were as tall as Leauchphare and packed with muscle. Their claws tapped the ground and rippled mini-tremors at they did so.

Sitting on their heads were two men, bearded, old dressed in fine gold cloth; and two women, young and ornate and floating above their heads were white crowns, glowing fiercely. They threw ropes to the floor and climbed to the floor.

Mersey didn’t think twice before hiding behind a nearby box of vegetables, ushering Runt to do the same. They looked on at the scene only exchanging the odd whisper.

“Abeo!” All the gold clothed men shouted simultaneously. A ray came from the tigers onto a necklace of each man. The tigers slowly vanished as the necklaces formed a white gemstone dangling from the chain.

“Magic users…” Mersey pondered a smile forming. Runt still looked in disbelief, Mersey laughed at her confusion. Mersey stood up revealing himself, runt followed. If these were magic users they were nothing to fear.

He slowly walked towards them.

“Hey!” The gold clothed men faced him, their expressions in disgust.

“Bow before your superiors,” Shouted the oldest looking one in a high pitched, hoarse voice. His eyes became yellow then Mersey felt a pain in his spine, it was forced to curve into a bow under tremendous pressure.

“Lower!” The old man spat again, yellowing his eyes to increase the pressure on Mersey’s back.

Mersey felt a jerk in his knees, he was forced to kneel and his head was on the floor. His forehead bored into the mud. A cloak touched Mersey’s side, a woman leered over him. “From now on you will show respect to the Okide” She said softly. Mersey screamed as a pain burned on his back, the woman cackled and kicked him over.

Runt stood trembling nearby, the other woman rounded on her. “You know who the Okide are little girl?” Runt remained silent, ready to cry. “We asked you a question!” Snapped the woman again. She touched Runt’s nose and runt became still, her flesh had become stone, Runt was a statue.

Mersey tried to get up, he couldn’t, he tried to protect Runt and say things, he couldn’t. All he could do was listen to the cackles of the Okide.

“The Okide you fools are War mages, the ONLY allowed magic users in the world, our powers are greater than life itself.” Sneered the other man.

Mersey regained strength and stood. “BRING HER BACK!” He shouted at them, not caring the consequences. The old man looked at him and pointed directly at him, with a flash of yellow Mersey was blown against the wall.

“Rule number one, The Okide only listen to the Divinasa.”

Mersey got up and went to Runt’s statue; he touched her face, now he would never know of his origins. A tear fell from his face, the Okide stood around him. The old man clicked, “Take this idiot and his statue to the parade.” Five soldiers came from their formation and dragged Mersey to the main street, another three carried the statue.

The young woman trained them as they left “If they weren’t children I would have killed them.”

CHAPTER 7

Mersey landed with a thud onto the hard road, Runt beside him. The sound og a gong was heard up ahead, the huge flying tigers with the Okide on them were flying above the sound epicentre. Mersey scrambled to one side, dragging the statue with him and looked on at a new parade, crowds of people, magic and non-magical alike were at the side way, staring in awe at the second visit of the Divinasa – High Emperor of the World.

“Make way for the Divinasa!” Roared a crier some 10 feet in front. A tent carried by 40 slaves floated high in the air, a moving castle. All the watchers got on their knees and placed their foreheads to the floor. Mersey did the same, a strange influence made him do this.

The Okide landed and dismounted their Tigers. They looked around, smiling, after a victim. They pointed at someone deep in the crowd, someone they detected as a magic user, the guards dragged him out into the street. It was none other that Mersey’s Father, Earl. The moving castle stopped, the okide rounded on Earl, they each conjured a white electric whip and lashed the sand with it.

“This is a magic user,” Sneered the woman from earlier. She raised her whip and cracked it down on Earl’s back, he roared in pain, the crowd jeered and threw rotten fruit at him. Mersey gasped as a tear fell down his eye, he hated these people, they took a new friend away, now they were taking his father. All of the Okide took it in turns to beat Earl with their death whips, the old man struck and the whip was tangled round earls throat, he pulled and Earl was brought standing, choking.

“Look at his eyes!” the Okide roared! “slits, not noticeable if you aren’t looking, take heed, capture everyone you see with these slits.” They ordered the crowd. Guards took Earl and bound him, they threw him in a prison cart and took him away.

“That beast is going to the Okidon, a place where they will be put to hardships for their miserable lives then when they are too weak to work, killed,” screamed the younger woman in a raucous laugh.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Get dressed.” His voice carried, although the masterful tone had gone, it was a joyous tone.


‘tone’ is repeated, since you’re stating the voice had changed you could say ‘it was now joyous’ or something along a similar line.

Quote:
A red light beamed through the tunnels, Mersey suddenly realised, it was: Kretor, Creation.


I’m not too sure the colon is there and there shouldn’t be a comma after ‘Kretor’.

Quote:
The underground city of magical users, was formed 200 years from this day.


Is Kretor Creation the underground city? Explain what this place is along the same paragraph.

Quote:
Mersey pushed the prophesy aside in his mind and dressed in a man-gown.


It seems at this time that Mersey is getting changed in a tunnel, would he not have done that back home?

Quote:
The went back into the city and headed for the great lighthouse.


‘They’

Quote:
”The Leuchphare.” Earl said, a twinkle in his eye, looking up to the lighthouse, its cascading beams circling the city with red. Earl then looked at Mersey with a face of disgust, Mersey had hurredly thrown on his gown and he looked like last years fairy.


‘hurredly’ is spelt wrong: hurriedly

Quote:
Mersey looked up from below Leuchphare, its height was immense, its peak was only feet away from the ornate ceiling, its diameter humongous.


I think the unit of length should be ‘metres’ instead of ‘feet’ to describe how near to the ceiling the lighthouses top is.

Quote:
The entered Leuchphare, Earl dashed off to meet some very similar men leaving Mersey to admire Leuchphare’s interior.


Either change the second ‘Leuchphare’ to ‘the lighthouse’s’ or ‘the interior design of the lighthouse’ or something else that is similar to describing Mersey’s actions.. Try not to repeat unless you have to.

Quote:
The people were dressed as his father, long dress like cloaks, many tattered. People had cleaned up for this memorable event.


Remember what I said about repetition? The second sentence could begin with ‘They’.

Quote:
All of them were pale skinned, their pupils were verticle slits like his own but they were grey, not black like his own eyes.


‘verticle’ = ‘vertical’

This sentence could use a little editing. As their pupils are shaped the same you can tell the reader Mersey has a different colour eye to the people at the end of the sentence so it doesn’t disrupt the description of the people. Is that confusing? Adjust the way you have written this part.
Here is an example: They were all pale skinned with vertical pupils like his own, expect theirs were grey and his was black. They were all pale skinned with vertical pupils that were grey. He had the very same eyes but they were black.


Quote:
His skin was dark – theirs were pale, even his father was like them. Mersey had often wondered why he was different, why he looked unique in the midst of his race.


As you have already stated that the people were pale skinned you wouldn’t necessarily say it again.

Quote:
The sound of a boars horn bellowed through Leuchphare. The room began chanting a single word over and over again. Mersey found himself roped in, chanting away.


‘boars horn’ = ‘boar’s horn’

Quote:
A firework went off on one of the tables, bright red sparks shot off into all directions, whistling. The hall burst into laughter.


Right this is in a lighthouse? How high is the ceiling and how high can the firework go? Is it the type for enclosed places?

Quote:
Smoke followed the lights and then cleared revealing a man, ancient face, crooked but a cheeky, rebellious grin on his bald head.


The grin would not be on his ‘head’.

Quote:
Mersey eagerly went for the seat next to the prince, he sat opposite a sly looking man, bowl cut brown hair.


‘prince’ here should be capitalised.

Quote:
“My prince…” The man began in a hissing whisper, “..you believe he should be sitting next to you.” His eyes shifted towards Mersey.


Same again here with Prince. And isn’t the man supposed to be asking the Prince? It should end with a question mark.

Quote:
“Excuse me,” Mersey coughed, “I was wondering if you could tell me about Constable…” Cresh bit his bottom lip. The Prince wiped his mouth with some tissue as he turned to Mersey.
”Constable was murdered, I know nothing more.” He answered bluntly, too bluntly, the Prince was hiding something.
“What about Isabel..her face.” Mersey persisted. Cresh stood and slammed his hands on the table.
”Matters of the great one and the Prince are none of your business,” Cresh roared, the room went silent. Earl stood and looked at Mersey with a mixture of anger and disappointment. “Perhaps you should beat your boy more often,” Cresh sneered, sitting back down with a smug face. All eyes were on Earl who was red in the face, ready to strike, his finger glowered and a flash of blue light travelled through the air when suddenly it stopped.


Uses spaces to divide each characters speech.

Quote:
A cold, dark voice was heard coming from the corner. The Prince’s eyes widened, as did Merseys as they both looked on at the Boatman.


Mersey’s

Quote:
The Boatmans eyes flashed yellow and the Prince became withered, weak and barely able to move.


Boatman’s

Quote:
“Look around”, he said to him. “Give me the names of 2 children here!” The Boatman ordered Earl. Earl looked around, as did Mersey: Nothing. Only Mersey was below the age of 50.


Write out the numeral. 2 = two, 50 = fifty.

Quote:
“We are a dying race my friends, so desperate to live children mean nothing. Mersey is the only child in half a century, and as a result precious to us, not to be punished…”


I don’t understand the first sentence.. Is the Boatman calling the people children or is he saying they leave children nothing?


The Boatman is very similar to Lord Voldemort in this scene. You need to work on Mersey’s emotions. I remember reading from the previous parts about his ‘prophesising’ grandmother. He doesn’t really reflect on what she said, he doesn’t show anything to make him worry/think about what was said or why.

Give the Boatman a little history, what do these people know about him, how did he come to be their ‘leader’ and why is Prince called ‘Prince’?

A little information on your characters would make it a lot easier to understand what they do and why they do it.

Next chapter coming up soon. Keep editing this part to your like, at the moment I like the Boatman’s presence and how he affects the people, though you could have someone who questions him apart from Mersey.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thankyou for the critque, this was written before I discovered plotting so the whole thing is a little lopsided. Smile

I may come back to this soon and edit it from chapter 1.

Thanks again

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