Young Writers Society

--Deleted--

Yo Skins, wazzup? Well strangely I remember the original, even though it was like a million years ago, and it was pretty parallel to this from what I remember. A couple things I wanted to know were 1) the ages of the kids, and 2) who the other kid is (you said there are three kids, so who's the other kid?) This could probably be cleaned up, but I get what you're saying about novel-commitment issues and school and the never-ending conquest to just finish a freaking novel, so if you aren't too concerned then I won't get into the nitty-gritty, which you can probably revise on your own anyway. I'm not sure how long I followed your other versions of this, so I don't really have anything to compare to, but I do think that your characters need a little more dimension. But it is just the prologue, so we'll see. Not a bad start.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

I realise that you're probably not looking for an overly serious review if you're writing this more for relaxation, but I had to comment because I really liked this, and I feel like a comment would be somewhat more productive with at least some aspects of a review in it.

Just two quick nitpicks because I didn't notice many grammar issues -

“There’s pig called Annabel in Mr. Adams’ farm... You don’t look like it though.”

Wouldn't it be 'There's a pig...'? I see you might have omitted it on purpose since he's young, but the rest of his speech seemed very coherent, so I thought I'd point it out.

“Annabel,” he eventually replied with his eyes still fixated onto his bed.

I'm not sure if fixated would be a good word here, because it seems to carry connotations of obsessiveness, which might be a bit extreme. '... with his eyes still focused on his bed', maybe?

Sorry about that; once I saw it, I just had to point it out!

About the name thing, I think it seems a little awkward when you, in the later paragraphs, use 'Rebecca Doherty'. The writing seems to be from Felix's point of view, so it just seems a bit abrupt and formal compared to the rest. 'Felix's mother' might sound better, just so it flows more nicely, since a boy wouldn't think of his mother by her full name. I haven't read previous versions of this though, so if there's a reason for you writing it how you did, I apologise sincerely.

In the first paragraph though, 'Rebecca Doherty' is fine.

Basically though, what I wanted to say was that I enjoyed reading this, and although I usually only have the attention span to follow a short story, I'd like to see what comes next. I often find that when people write from the POV of a younger person, they either make it sound too mature, or too immature -- but this was carefully between that, which, I think, is very admirable. It wasn't tiresome to read because of its simplicity, and it wasn't painfully unrealistic.

(Being completely honest, I'm a little jealous because I never could write from the point of view of someone younger. It's a painful limitation to have, so again, I admire this.)

I also don't really like fantasy-type novels -- I clicked on this on an impulse, to be honest -- but this sounds like it will turn out to be interesting. I'm definitely reading what's next, whenever that comes

That was awesome. I love it. PERIOD. I love it and that is all there is to it. I will be reading the first chapter when it comes out, or as soon as I can if it is out.
Great writing skills!
Audrey718

Hey Skinsy.

Wow. You're my second review today. Didn't know I still had it in me.

I also remember your first version, and I must say I'm glad you changed your mc's name. Maxie was sort of ambiguous: no one knew if he was a boy or a girl.

That being said, my issue with this is the fact that he doesn't let on that he knows Annabel is his sister. I mean, he says it's the name of the pig in the farm, not 'wait, aren't you my dead sister that my mother's been counting the days and months to?' or something.
I mean, Felix seems pretty smart, why wouldn't he figure it out, then blurt it out to his mother when she walked in?

Other than that, I still like the concept of this story. Can't wait to read more, keep it up!

Tanya

Hi Skins!
I'm here to review! (Well that was obvious XD)

Let's start with the good bits

This was really interesting - your writing style is really nice and unique. I've never read anything in that style I love how it's third person but as if it's in Felix's point of view. Things like:

you wrote:but his mummy was downstairs talking about grown up things with his daddy, Later on:
It was boring. He wanted to be playing with his action figures and his trains.

It's not too mature or too immature, just right. I loved that.

I also really liked your first paragraph! It hooked me from the start because it was so peculiar and instantly you want to know what happened to his sister.

Finally, there were some parts I couldn't help laughing at when he's talking about the woman with the "really, really, really yellow" hair. It was hilarious how Felix was talking about it, LOL XD

Suggestions for improvement

Grammar and typo-wise, it was good and I couldn't find any. I do have a few suggestions:

Here you wrote:Oh, hi. What’s your name?” Felix asked as he reached for his action figure’s arm.

Why isn't Felix a little surprised? I understand that he's happy he's not alone, but there weren't any guests and no one had told him anything, right? His reaction surprised me a bit. If it were me, I'd have shouted "Where did you come from?". His initial reaction didn't seem that realistic to me.

you wrote:She’d been dead for seven years, two months and thirty days.

She's been dead for 7 years, 2 months and 30 days - I know you mean that Felix met Annabel on a January, March, May, July, August, October or December day, but it was a bit confusing as 30 days... is a month... XD Unless that set of numbers (7 years, 2 months and 30 days) has a special significance, I'd have changed it to 29 days, personally. That's just a suggestion though.

Finally, (more of a question) I know Rebecca was devastated by Annabel's death, but has she told Felix that Anna died or that she even existed?

Overall
Overall, I loved this chapter. The writing itself was great and many questions arose in my mind (I say this a lot) which is the best thing for hooking a person onto a book. It was really interesting and a perfect prologue!

Keep Writing!
Mac (aka Ahmad/ahmadblues/Blue(s))* Select name

P.S. Regarding your question, it is entirely up to you. I think for the first paragraph, Rebecca is perfect (as Mummy would've instantly put me off) but afterwards, Mummy is better as the writing is as if it's from Felix's point of view. Good luck!

P.P.S. Nice cover

Skinsyface!

So. I'm bored. And hence YWS!

I remember reading the previous one. Except the name Maxie didn't strike until I read it in Tanya's post. But. yes, much better name. Onwards, then.

She’d been dead for seven years, two months and twenty-six days.

This instantly makes me think Felix knows this. Somehow, the beginning line made me think it'd be from Felix's POV and only when you explicitly mentioned mom I realized it was his mom's POV. (And by POV, I mean closer to whom here.) That get's confusing. So, a little rephrasing?

Even the days when she felt so weightless that a feather was nothing compared to her, she never forgot about Annabel.

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't understand this metaphorical thing going on here. O.o

“There’s a pig called Annabel in Mr. Adams’ farm... You don’t look like it though.”

Yeah... he's sems too smart to be saying this, yet too little to be saying this sarcastically. I know what you're trying to get across, but that's the problem. You're trying to get it across, especially with him talking of nice lips and boobies right after. GETITACROSSLYKNAO!

Rebecca Doherty’s face shot back to life, but not in the way Felix wanted it too.

'To', you mean. Also, this is probably the only place where I though you should've used something besides R.Doherty. It sort of has a clashing repetition.

He had his face buried into his mother’s shoulder as she and her husband

I do hope you were going for variation by saying 'her husband'. But yeah, once again, it seems like a shift of POV from son to mommy dearest. I think sticking to one/simple will make it sound better to the reader.

Well. So. Prologue. Interesting. But a little too long for a certain amount of storytelling, imo. I wouldn't have minded if it was chapter 1. Just title changing, but still. >.> My main quip about this was the variation in the POV balance. A little steadiness will keep your reader stuck to ze story.
How about some interaction with dad? He seemed to fleeting in this brief thing. Otherwise, try not bring him in too much just about now.

Cheers!
~Lava

Hai! Let's see what you have here then...

Specifics

1. I love that first line/ those first few lines. They really pack a punch and draw the reader in so good work there!

2.

It was understandable in a sense because Annabel was Felix’s mother’s first born child.

A slightly weight sentence. Maybe you could heave 'her' instead of Felix's mother's.

3.

When Felix Doherty met his sister, he was alone, which was one thing Felix wasn’t all too fussed on. He hated nothing more than being on his own, but his mother was downstairs talking about grown up things with his grandmother, so he knew he had to stay alone for a little while.

To go from 'wasn't all too fussed on' (which is awkward anyway) to hated feels like a huge step. I think it needs to be stronger in that first sentence. You want us to really feel how much he doesn't like to be on his own.

4.

Felix didn’t notice Annabel at first. He didn’t even feel her watchful gaze while it followed his hands as he rammed a pair of action figures into each other, and he didn’t even notice her giggling as the one figure’s arm flung out of its socket and landed into one of Felix’s trains.

Sometimes you're more wordy than you need to be and it's slowing down the flow of your narrative. For example. here I'd change '...even notice her giggiling' to '...didn't hear her giggling' which is simple but effective.

5. Some nice work going on with how the child sees the world. I especially like the idea of something tasting like the dentist's building. Very well put.

6. Nice ending. Cute but creepy at the same time.

Overall Thoughts

Okay so I liked where you started with this but I think you could have crept into that child persona just a little bit more. There were parts where you really could have shown us more personality while giving us extra info as well, like when she says how old she is. I was waiting for a reaction to that, either him being all smug because he's older, or deciding he has to protect her. Or maybe they're the same age or he's still younger? I don't know, but it would have been nice to get his thoughts coming through a little more often.

The second thing is that the mother's reaction was a bit lacking for my liking. Either she should have tried to get to the bottom of it, like by asking if he had a friend at school called Annabell or who had told him about his sister, or she should have been more angry with him or... just something to add a little more conflict in there?

More short sentences might be nice, a little more description of the rooms perhaps as you're lacking a little bit there and what you do have is pretty basic. I'd love to see the rooms described in the way a child things and the little girl as well. Currently it's very much skin, hair, eyes. But what does he associate each colour with? Maybe he thinks her skin is as pale as the white buttons on his school shirt?

Well that's all for now, hope this helps a little!

Heather xxx