Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water
Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water

by guitargrl1323 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on May 16, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


The Siege

Topic ID: 8964
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Tassen Spellbinder   View This User's Portfolio
IngSoc Liason
Novelist

31
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 24
Joined: 15 May 2006
Posts: 349
Reviews: 31
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 2:29 pm    Post subject: The Siege Reply with quote

From beyond the horizon the armies come,

      marching in time with the drum,

      and the many trumpets sound,

      until the message shakes the ground.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      Grinding foes beneath their heel,

      blades so swift, clad in steel,

      the Knights march on,

      and sing their song.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      Behind the Knights march the soldiers,

      gripping spears, moving boulders,

      aspiring to join the Knights,

      in their eyes, hope shines bright.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      Behind the soldiers the archers march,

      bows drawing a graceful arch,

      the straightest arrows without slightest bend,

      the archers march 'til bitter end.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      Last in line, the engineers,

      what they build, the stuff of fears,

      ballistae, catapaults and so much more,

      they go to build weapons of war.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      Along the dusty path they march,

      through the rolling plains.

      Over lush green hills they go,

      the army is coming, and all shall know.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      Looming like a giant grey specter,

      the castle can be seen ahead.

      And under the cloudless, moonlit sky,

      the Knights will rouse the fore from bed.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      And at the general's swift command,

      silence falls apon the land.

      The Knight's singing stops abrupt,

      and chaos prepares to erupt.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      And in the castle, no one knows,

      that they are besiged by foes.

      All the sentries lie in red,

      thanks to the archers who shot them dead.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      And through the night the army labors,

      preparing for the attack.

      For at the dawn's first light they'll savor,

      the thrill of the fight.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      As morning dawns upon the land,

      the wallguard's spear fall from his hand.

      A fearful scream escapes his lips,

      as he finds the archer's work.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      And as the guards run to the wall,

      and look out on the land.

      they see the Knights dressed for war,

      sheild on arm, sword in hand.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      As the castle falls into chaos,

      and the garrison arms for war,

      the Knights stand calmly outside the gate,

      until ordered they will wait.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      Catching arrows on their sheilds,

      the Knights stare across the plain,

      and gaze upon their entrenched foe,

      who soon shall be slain.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      The general raises a steel clad hand,

      and to the castle points.

      And with an army at his back,

      gives the order to attack.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      The ground shudders with a thousand feet,

      as the Knights storm across the plain.

      Arrows fly over head,

      as the archers take careful aim.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      The catapaults throw their deadly loads,

      the ballistae launch their bolts.

      The burning missles hit the walls,

      which shudder, buckle, and fall.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      And even as the gatehouse falls,

      and the guard in retreat crawls,

      the Knights stream through the gate,

      leaving carnage in their wake.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      With a mighty roar the armies meet,

      one must suffer cruel defeat.

      And as the Knights mount the wall,

      the outcome is known by all.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies come,

      marching to the booming drum!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we've come to put the castle to siege!"

      

      And when the moon shines on the land,

      victory is at hand.

      The battle won under setting sund,

      teh Knights rule the land.

      

      They sing: "Lo, we mighty armies came,

      marching through the wind and rain!

      Fighting for our sworn liege,

      we came and put the castle to siege!" [/pre]


Last edited by Tassen Spellbinder on Wed May 17, 2006 7:56 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Poor Imp   View This User's Portfolio
imp forgets what was writ
Epic Novelist

420
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 21
Joined: 20 Feb 2006
Posts: 3794
Reviews: 420
Country: the roof
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oy. You need to check your formatting. At the moment - well, it would make a good siege wall, if you know what I mean.

Break it into lines/paragraphs. You ought to be able to edit it. At the moment, rather unreadable.

_________________
'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Prosithion   View This User's Portfolio
Menya Zovut Shnur!
Speaker of the Forum

189
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 189
Country: A Kingdom of Heaven
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Imp, though this was really well written. I liked the rhyming and I feel that this is the sort of poem I'd write. I like that you keep reiterating the part about the drums. It was very well done, though it seemed like the fifth stanza broke the flow of the poem. re-write that, and I think you have a masterpeice here.

_________________
Check out my site: Broken Strings

Critiques appreciated:
The Cossack's Ride
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Cicero   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

63
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 23
Joined: 04 Oct 2005
Posts: 84
Reviews: 63
Country: The Middle of America - Literally
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:39 am    Post subject: Re: The Siege Reply with quote

To me this seems like it belongs as lore in an awesome fantasy novel. I have some suggestions, however: your refrain is repeated too often. Perhaps repeat it after every fourth stanza or something? Otherwise, it makes this poem needlessly long and somewhat dull.

My other gripe is that you break your rime scheme several times. In stanzas 13, 19, and 21 for example, you rime every other line instead of couplets. So... try to stick to riming couplets if that is your original format. However, I am glad you occasionally abandon the rime when you know you cannot rime without wrecking the integrity of the poem. Good poets know it is better to sacrifice rime than content. Good job on that!

Happy editing!

_________________
"Artichoke -
O heart weighed down by so many wings."
- Joseph Hutchison
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Prosithion   View This User's Portfolio
Menya Zovut Shnur!
Speaker of the Forum

189
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 189
Country: A Kingdom of Heaven
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tassen, you are a very good writer. I'm suprised that I haven't seen moer of your work.

_________________
Check out my site: Broken Strings

Critiques appreciated:
The Cossack's Ride
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on May 16, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on May 16, 2006

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. - Quentin Crisp
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society