Young Writers Society

“Are you sure they won’t mind?” Felicia’s maple syrup voice fell on my ears just like a feather scuds in the hollow wind. I pirouetted on my toes to face her and found her slumped on the bean bag, her bracelets dangling like wind chimes from her wrists, a magazine crumpled in her hands.
“Who?” I asked, throwing my arms up in air in confusion. Felicia seemed smug as she got up from her position on the bean bag and burrowed her hands deep into her jeans’ pockets. Before replying, though, she shrugged.
“I don’t know. You tell me? Would the zombies of the people owning this house like if they found you gallivanting with their wardrobes on?”
I felt my flesh quiver at the very mention of ‘zombies’ and I clapped my mouth shut, my stomach rolling sick with fear. It was a good minute before I could find back my voice.
“It’s not they, but just Mrs. Jenkins. But hey thanks, Felicia, for reminding me ‘bout the zombies,” I said bitterly. Felicia curtseyed funnily as if to say ‘mention not’. I wanted to smash her face, but then it would only hurt me, so there was no point in it.
I knew what she was up to. She believed she could pull me away from the abysmal truth that kept haunting me every second of the day and twist it into a mere joke, make me face it. But despite her lovely efforts, it was a truth that lingered at the back of my brain like a waspish mosquito intruding on its prey’s nose. It was another thing entirely that by now I had found a suitably perfect façade to veil my real thoughts. But Felicia was a tough nut to crack, and she could see right through my mind.
I returned to admiring myself in the full-length mirror, when I saw Felicia’s eyebrows curved into a thick tuft of hair as she raked me from the screen.
“What?” I let out a shaky nervous laughter feeling exactly like being paraded naked through the streets. The reason I had decided to get dressed up was to, even if for an hour, be in the lap of safety and feel the intense heat of mortal lives seep through my body.
“Nothin’. But honestly, what makes you like such ancient costumes? I mean even those old ladies didn’t love wearing them back then, so why do you?” I sensed little vexation in her voice as she threw down the magazine she had been reading. It landed with a soft thud on the couch and opened up to one of the sparkly pink pages. Even from a distance I could make out the almost bare body of a model, covered with only thin strips of clothes. I averted my gaze from it to Felicia who had found another piece of fantasy to be obsessed on.
While I watched her, she took out a cell phone from her pocket and with a flip opened to its screen. She mashed her lips under the pressure of her teeth as her eyes browsed the screen.
“No signal, yet?” I asked nervously, as if the answer could wither my heart.
“Nah, no luck.” She parted her lips slightly and with a mere shake of her head further continued, “The Internet seems to work but not the mobiles.” She clapped shut the phone and thrust it down her pocket. She was definitely annoyed, if not scared, like I was.
I turned around again to face the mirror. I couldn’t let these talks ruin my dress-up-game, which really existed to keep me away from these talks.
The loose folds that had formed themselves near the waistband of my dress were really annoying, so I went ahead and straightened them out. The cerulean Victorian ball gown imitation I was wearing had an iridescent upper half, with a low neckline ending up right where it should, without revealing much. The flair of the gown bloomed up and the folds in it stretched out like long branches of the trees, spreading all around me like a thick cushion of cotton. I loved the way wearing it made me look like some gangly model. Not that almost bare one, though.
“God, you look like a walking monster.” Felicia laughed dryly, slouching down on the bean bag again. From the corner of the mirror, I saw her face landing on her palms. As seconds passed, her disgust from looking at me was actually blooming in intensity. I didn’t really get the reason for her getting so melodramatic.
“At least I just look like one. It’s a lot better than actually being one,” I retorted. I couldn’t understand Felicia’s problem; was she really determined to pull me away from the track of normalcy that she didn’t recognize my efforts of trying to lead a normal life, or she was just insane?
I saw Felicia’s face almost drop the moment I had finished and she reclined back, folding her hands on her lap. As soon as the reply had been formulated on my tongue, I felt a twinge of guilt. I shouldn’t have crossed that territory. To think that was one thing, but to speak it out brazenly was a different matter altogether.
“It’s not like I had a choice.” Felicia’s face twisted into a mask of agony. I stopped doing whatever I was with the dress, and with a heavy sigh, walked towards her. Though I didn’t forget to notice how the high heels created the clip-clap sound or how my dress’s fall plopped up and down in grace with each of my steps. My lovely distraction.
Bending down on my knees, I stroked Felicia’s hair. Gosh, what shampoo is she using? The one with just a fragrance and no nutrients? Then the realization hit me; of course, she was a vampire and it was natural for them to have straggly hair that looked more like an undergrowth of a Tropical forest than anything else. Of course.
“Sorry, Felicia!” I apologized, untangling my fingers from her hair. Her face was bent down, and the thick veil of her hair covered it from my view.
“It’s fine.” Felicia said heavily, her face resembling a piece of smashed potato as she lifted it up and finger combed her hair towards the back.
I smiled a weak smile and soon started scanning her face diligently. She was not like any fictional vampire they bragged about. Her features weren’t porcelain, and neither did her skin shine of fluorescent bulbs. In my opinion, her skin tone was like a normal white American’s. Although I had to admire the way her eyes had turned out after Transformation, they seldom changed colours for a vampire, but when they did, it was enough to send a ghost into its grave. They were unlike any other set of eyes I had ever seen and in that context I could not agree more with Stephenie or L.J. James.
“By the way, was Mrs. Jenkins a walking clown?” Felicia remarked light heartedly, as she stroked the ends of the ribbon tied around my waist. I felt glad she had actually forgiven me for real. Puzzled, I looked down at the emerald ribbon and then made a mocking hurt face. “I mean ribbons? For real?”
“It’s fashion. You won’t get it,” I teased her. Just then Felicia bursted into a giggly laughter and I couldn’t help but join her on this laugh riot. But right then something clouded over me.
“Felicia, Mrs. Jenkins can’t be ‘was’. She’s not dead,” I pushed words out of my mouth. “You know, right?” I smiled expectantly.
“Of course she is not dead, just a zombie. It’s a lot different,” Felicia said as a matter-of-fact. My mood clouded over further.
“Mrs. Jenkins was my mom’s best friend,” I said through my clenched teeth.
Felicia’s face turned taut, and with that she looked me in the eye. Her eyes were grim, like two discs of copper black, with a tiny iris hiding behind both of them. If her eyes were changing colours, that meant danger.
“Look, Aria, I know it’s tough. But the truth is that the whole town is wiped off,” she began. She pushed me lightly so I was farther away from the couch and she knelt into my position, holding my shoulder blades strongly in her metal tough hands. I shook my head. Her eyes turned solemn, a streak of vibrant red liquid running to surround her iris.
“Aria, you’ll have to understand. The only people with senses are you and me. The whole town is clad with zombies. And then I’m a vampire. So if you ask me, you’re the only human being. Mrs. Jenkins was from the town, wasn’t she?”
Reluctantly, I forced my head into a nod even as tears welled up in my eyes. My vision started getting blurred, and my heart itself plundered into my stomach. I knew where Felicia was headed.
“So, she’s a zombie, too.” Felicia completed. “She’s probably waltzing in the streets, tearing down houses, and hunting for prey.” My heart twisted with pain not merely at the fact but more at the easiness with which Felicia announced it. Callous, dark, and cold. Just like a typical fictional vampire.
But I knew she was right; I knew even before that. I had known it all along from the last three days, seventeen hours. Before that, everything had been normal, just the kind of normalcy you’d find in Forksville. But knowing was one thing, and getting my mind to register and act accordingly to this was a task altogether. Like my sappy little town could be ravaged by the ruthless attacks of these zombies?

The spring fresh memory from the previous night roused in my mind like the ripples formed when a kid throws a stone in a lake. The thin match-stick figures, all painted up in sick daunting shades of brown had been walking towards us like automatons, their eyes plugged with nothing but a void. A hurtful, big void. As if there was nothing in them, just a deep black abyss to which there seemed no end.
Aria, they’re after you, not me. They can smell your blood. Felicia’s voice again to rang in my ears, and I could feel my breathing constricting in my present.
Shaking myself out of that ghastly memory, I looked Felicia in the eye. Her eyes were brimming with concern for me. She could manage this situation, and in comparison to her, probably these giants were nothing. Her powers, her strengths could outnumber whole of the zombies in Forksville. It was another thing that she didn’t really ever talk about trying that out. I wondered why.
“What we do now?” I questioned Felicia, to which her lips curved into a thin smile, tipping downwards.

I loathed the idea of leaving the warmth and protection of this house; Mrs. Jenkin’s house. I had spent a good part of my childhood here, parading with Tiffany, their daughter, in her mother’s Gothic Halloween costumes' collection. And somehow being here sent a flushing sensation of relief down my body, like a frisson charging its way. So it really didn’t come as a surprise that I was reluctant to leaving this place.
When Felicia and I had forced ourselves in by cracking down the windows, I had a definite belief that it was going to end. That this was just a funny trick, which though wasn’t funny, had been pulled by our friends. I mean, I’m no Emma Stone, and this is no Zombieland. So why these tortures were were lain down at me? A normal mortal human!
I knew if I tried hard enough, I’d find Mrs. Jenkins hiding inside a room we had never really thought existed and when we she’d see us, her plump arms would coil around me and she would peck us with relief and love. Then she’d turtle down and retreat into her kitchen and an hour later surprise me with her chocolate pies.
“Aria, I’ll think of something. Till then, go try on another dress.” Felicia laughed wryly as she shot upwards and walked towards the dining table.
But I just sat there, dumbstruck. Those pools of eyes…red, ruthless, and senseless…
For the time, I forced my attention on Felicia. She was walking towards the kitchen, which was exactly opposite to where I sat. Her tight jeans folded at each of her curves as she walked, and her pencil heels grated against the floor. My trepidations aside, I almost watched in awe the creature she had been transformed into; an object of grace. She wasn’t really pretty, and if to be real precise, my looks faded hers. But the gait she had acquired, the cat-like eyes hers had become could really outshine mine.
“Don’t worry, I’d be back soon,” I heard her voice fade as she walked into the kitchen.
Nervously, I replied, “Hmm, I won’t.”
I don’t really remember when she had started flocking out of our clique. I don’t really know why she had left us. But just the fact that she had found a piece to dote on, namely Michael, could very well be the reason. That nerd-who-in-actual-was-a-vampire. He had…
“Aria, you’re still sitting here?” Felicia’s voice burst my thought bubble and moments later her hands were circling my arms as she tried to hoist me up. I politely resisted, and just kept sitting
“Don’t fret. We’ll find a way out. Would you like some coffee?” Felicia pouted her deep red plush lips due to which I noticed an animated twinkle in her coal-black eyes.
She pushed forward a brewing cup of coffee, which suddenly sent aromatic wafts across the room. I must have been really trapped in the miserable circuit of my thoughts to have missed that aroma. But I wondered how she had got the coffee ready for me so quick, but I left that for some other time.
I carefully took the cup in my hands. I changed my position to the front of the couch so that it bolstered my back with its softness, and then carefully folded the sleeves of the gown. I really didn’t want the zombie of Mrs. Jenkins to blame me for being irresponsible with her clothes. With the couch padding my back, I took in a sip from the mug.
Felicia settled down on the floor opposite me. Her eyes were smoldering with thick orange flames. But a fraction of second later, she composed herself and I saw the same humour crinkling in her eyes again.
“What would you wear next?” she asked, looking for once, interested.
“Felicia, I actually ain’t planning that,” I slowly replied, as I took another of sip of the burning liquid. “And for the record, this coffee is irritably high on caffeine.”
“What?” Felicia made a disgusting face and questioned me. She started looking at the cup foolishly as if that hid any of her answers.
“I mean, no sugar, girl?” I explained stressing more on the word ‘sugar’. I’d definitely need more of the sugar if I am to continue loping in the streets without getting any sleep. She punched me lightly on the arm.
“Should’ve told you were interested in candies. Would’ve brought you some of those instead,” she replied complacently.
“You never really asked,” I shrugged.
“Look, Aria.” She began reluctantly. I looked up at her to find her eyes turning to those orange flames again. A deep pain burned at the back of my throat by merely looking at her.
When I didn’t reply, Felicia took the liberty to continue with her point. “I’m starving, and I think I should feed.”
I felt my voice turn low in its frequency. “Feed? But where?”
“I think it’s necessary I eat, or else you could…We’ll go to the forest.” Her face brightened up at the second line as if she had just cracked the world’s funniest joke.
“Now?” I asked, perplexed.
“Sooner the better. I don’t wanna take any risk,” Felicia spoke quietly.
The very thought of stepping out of this house was disturbing. I couldn’t convince myself to face those demons, which definitely was going to happen if I were to leave this house. Besides, it wasn’t an attractive option to go out in deathly darkness into the bushes where dreadful animals lurked.
I caught Felicia looking at my neck and then my arms. I shifted lightly in my place, my eyes now looking down.
“What do you think?” Felicia asked again.
“The forest?”
“But even staying here won’t do you good. I can’t…control myself that well. I would’ve vouched for going alone but leaving you here doesn’t fit well with me. I’ll take care of you. You won’t be harmed, ‘kay?”
***


Alright, I won’t lie. I was damned. I was worried, but not for myself, but for Aria.
See, she wasn’t the best of all when it came to displaying gallantry, and knowing very well from some dreadful past experiences I knew she was not taking this all too well.
Besides that, I was losing control. Watching her veins throb under the snow white sheet skins of her made my stomach do somersaults. I couldn’t help clench my teeth, no, fangs. The fragrance her blood contained was magnificent, just the perfect mix. Not too salty, and not too sugary. And then the flesh…
“I’d do some research and make sure you’d be safe and shielded from these monsters,” I said. I almost laughed at the mention of the word ‘monsters’ for I myself qualified for one.
“I don’t know,” Aria replied. Although she had been trying her best to avoid the situation, to shift her mind towards considering everything normal, she was sucking at it. And I couldn’t let her play games with her mind and that’s why, whenever possible, I tried to push her towards the truth. Though I tried to mix humour with it.
“Take my word for it, and go on try more clothes,” I said affably.
***

Good thing the net was still working. I couldn’t imagine zombies munching down on those lifeless Internet cables wired across the town and spitting them in the gardens.
I was sitting in the study of Mrs. Jenkin’s house, searching for tips or accounts from other people on how to tackle zombies. Aria wasn’t ready to go anywhere, and I was certain that I’d soon go berserk with hunger and attack her. So going to the forest was a must and so was taking Aria along with me. So, I somehow convinced her that I had read an article on how to kill or shield humans from zombies (in my dreams) and that I could read it again if she liked. That way she’d be safe.
I remember her being unsure of it at first, but then, after probably weighing her options, she had reluctantly agreed. It was this or confinement in this house forever. Although I doubted she really resented the latter option, as long as she got to play dress up and feed on cream muffins. It wasn’t like we had a way out of this place-the phone lines were jammed, the Facebook didn’t open and my e-mail server just didn’t agree to give away access. It was like somebody had purposefully trapped us in such a place; somebody who didn’t want us to inform people from other towns of this catastrophe.
The Internet was loaded with a glut of information about the zombies, and for the first time I regretted not applying for ‘Picture memory’ at the Vampire Learning Uni. It was a kind of power you got, which you could use to register any walking, readable memory in your brains forever. If I had that, I wouldn’t have to waste time reading this whole stuff. It would just be printed in my memory forever.

Just then I sensed tremulous, frantic voices nettling my ears. As the voices grew in frequency, the hollow space inside my ribs intensified. I bolted upright, scanning the room until I was sure I was the only one whose breathes pumped in the air.
I had been sitting in the study, a small stuffed room, full of wrecked bulbs. I’m definitely positive I had seen a crack in one of the bulbs. Out of the four walls, the three were papered with a mellow shade of cherry red and on the remaining one was a wallpaper of cheap floral designs. On my right stood a plain looking mahogany rack in which books ran from top to the bottom. All in all, the room did little to impress.
Once I made sure the voice wasn’t coming from within the room, I padded towards the window. Pulling the curtains, and prising open the window, I peeped outside with my eyes wide until I heard my breath explode with shock. Down, on the road, was a mob of mutinous zombies. Looking at those hideous creatures, my thoughts instantly ran for Aria. Where was she? She had been alone. God, how could I be such a twit to have left her alone?
As my thoughts kept circling my mind like first threats of hurricanes, I snapped my attention back on the group. One of them was holding a fire torch, from where burnt the luminous flame of destruction, powered with a hungry desire for immortality. Towards the right of that zombie stood another whose hands held a burning flag. Or what I thought had been a flag. To darken the atmosphere, out of their mouths voices came so chilly, sounds so disturbing in nature that even a vampire like me juddered.
As for the rest of them, they gamboled on the streets mindlessly, mechanically turning their heads. One thing which remained common in all of them was the vividly shocking shade of blood licking the edges of their wardrobes. It made my stomach lurch with hunger.
I gazed at the conflagration dumbly, my eyes tracing the pattern of the orange flames and noticing how it interspersed with the yellow ones. It was almost magical, though heart wrenching.
I backed away and shouted Aria’s name. She had been scouring for other historic costumes in the attic and had promised to keep herself safe. Meanwhile, I had taken upon the task of working on the internet and find a cure for these attacks, or some solution to our escape.
But now, with these zombies so near the house, I couldn’t have Aria loitering around, trying on some ridiculous stuff, even if I had been the one suggesting that to her.
I advanced for door when a tilted piece of mirror kept on the floor and stacked between the computer table and couch caught my eye. Catching my glimpse in it, I almost shivered.
My hair was tied in a messy bunch of straw thick strands with dirt dark as chocolate between them. My stilettos (yeah I’m a bimbo to have worn such stuff) were soaked up in mud from running and their heels had turned angular and I knew it could anytime give away. I crossed the sitting space and went out of the study, repeatedly calling out for Aria.
But there was not a voice besides mine that stirred in the air, and which made me mad with worry.
What if…?

Aria:
Mia! Hello! I'm really excited to read this, but it is really long. I'm good with it, but for future parts I'm sure you're aware of the phenomenon that means shorter pieces get more reviews, so maybe cut things in two! But I am hardcore and I will do it on my five hours' sleep.

I. NITPICKS

“Are you sure they won’t mind?” Felicia’s sugary maple syrup voice fell on my ears just like a feather scuds in the hollow wind.

I love dissecting, well, anything, but particularly first lines. There are a few things I love about this. Firstly, there's a hook, secondly, it's original and thirdly, there's great imagery. I'm just worried that there's too MUCH imagery for a first line. Also, "sugary" and "maple syrup"? I think just choose one. But honestly, I like this a lot more than most I read

And she said she had been reading.

So... what else was she doing with the magazine?

“It’s not they, but just Mrs. Jenkins, by the way. But hey thanks, Felicia, for reminding me ‘bout the zombies,”

the first but is a little awkward.

But albeit her lovely efforts,

I think "despite" might work better.

a waspish mosquito intruding on its prey’s nose.

don't use one insect to describe another.

veil down my real thoughts.

veil.

and she could see right through my mind.

right through me, maybe?

“It’s fine.” Felicia said heavily,

comma, not full stop.

“So, she’s a zombie, too.” Felicia completed. “She’s probably waltzing in the streets, tearing down houses, and hunting for preys.”

prey is singular.

Before that, everything had been normal, just the kind of normalcy you’d find in Forksville.

Is the inclusion of "Forks" in the placename of a vampire story supposed to be ironic?

had got the coffee ready for me so quick,

quickly

Alright, I won’t lie. I was damned. I was worried, but not for myself, but Aria.

for Aria, not but.

II. OVERALL

So I know you're nervous and I'm not going to be too tough because really there's a whole lot of good in here! My main problem is with pace. It's moving very slowly and not quite linearly, or so I feel. I mean, they move about all these rooms and they talk about going into the forest but I can't see them ever doing it and then you switch perspectives but I don't know what point in time you're starting with Felicia. This is my main problem, that the story isn't moving quite fast enough (it can slow down after the initial chapter, I believe), and that it's taking the long route round. If you're telling it in a linear fashion, then try and make sure that we, the readers, see the progression of the plot and the order in which events happen.

Other than that, I liked the relationship and character development. I would have preferred you mentioning Felicia's a vampire a little earlier on since I feel like it's kinda important. But mostly, nicely written!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Shubsssss!

I'm really happy that you posted something new and it makes me excited to see what your little brain has thought of next. That said, I'm more than honored to review this piece for you! So let's get started, mind you - I'll be reviewing as I read. ^^

Something I noticed in your writing, which is probably nothing new, is the wordiness. I know, we're going at this again? I can see that you've improved a lot -your wordiness being less and less everything I read something of yours- and your descriptions are great, but you're still lagging in that wordiness area a little bit. Mostly with dialogue and actions, you tend to over explain things. Don't worry too much on the action and keep on track with thoughts and character's senses which can build up imagery in the mind and make your story more vivid. It's a tricky thing, I know from experience and I still tend to over explain things myself too. Well in any case, let's take a look at an example anyway...

“Who?” I asked defensively, throwing my arms up in the air. Felicia seemed smug as she got up from her position on the bean bag and burrowed her hands deep into her jeans’ pockets. Before replying, though, she shrugged.

See this right here? This is an example of how you can cut back on your wordiness. You mentioned that she shrugged before replying, correct? So let's take that segment and put in the next paragraph before she says anything. It'll look like:

"Felicia shrugged before replying, "I don’t know. You tell me? Would the zombie of the people owning this house like if they found you gallivanting with their wardrobes on?”

This is clean, easy to read and allows the reader to feel some flow. I know this is probably your main point of struggle and the thing you must overcome out of anything else - you're dire need to use many words to explain little things. Shubs, you must abandon this need. I know it's tempting, I know you might feel like if there isn't enough words, then your picture/imagery/even story might not be the same but you cannot force readers to see everything how you see it. Allow some flexibility with your descriptions and dialogue. Just loosen up your shoulders, honey. You'll be fine, I have tremendous faith in you. <3

Try writing something some short story or tiny scene with little words. Take an image from good and create a story out of it using only a maximum of 500-1k words while explaining the most of it in the fewest words. This might be a good exercise for you so you can try that.

In addition to that, I know it probably sounded like your work was overloaded with lengthy words but no, it really wasn't. I could see patches of it here and there but overall, it wasn't too bad. I see the improvement and I can see how you've managed to cut things down if I compare this with your other novel about switching bodies or something, the name of it escapes my mind.

Anyways, in the long run, you've improved a lot in your writing and it's only just a little a bit more you could improve on before you find your style and build on that.

As for the story, it's interesting, I'll give you that and I can see a lot of potential in this topic that you have going. It seems like this might be action packed and have some good moments so I'll keep on reading! The only thing that kind of bugs me is the slow pace of the first chapter, it's a conversation between two friends about a zombie infested town really and it's hard to keep up if it's going slow like this so maybe you could spice it up a notch? It's a suggestion but you don't necessarily have to either.

Alright, I think I've done enough - if you want to brainstorm or anything about fantasy writing or anything, just shoot me a message and I'll be more than happy to bounce ideas if you need a push anywhere, Dad's are here to help.

Keep writing and all the best,
-Pink aka, Dad.

Hi Mia! Here as requested!

Nitpicks

“Are you sure they won’t mind?” Felicia’s sugary maple syrup voice fell on my ears just like a feather scuds in the hollow wind.

This bit here is really stepping into the area of purple prose. That is: prose that is so flowery and extravagant that it detracts from what is trying to be said. It typically comes off as the writer is trying too hard to sound eloquent that they over-do it a bit. In this line in particular, we get three different descriptions for Felicia's voice: "sugary" "maple syrup" and "like a feather scuds in the hollow wind". Ignoring the fact that I'd need a dictionary to know what "scuds" means, this is simply too much flowery description for one thing. Simply sticking to one, for example "sugary" or "sugar-sweet", gets the same point across without losing the reader or bogging them down with flowery prose.

There are a few more passages throughout the story that have the same purple prose-y feel to them. They're not hard to spot when you know what you're looking for, and they can each be fixed in similar ways to the above.

One other problem I saw in this line was the way Felicia's voice is being described when later she is portrayed as sullen, cold, dark, etc. This description of her voice just doesn't fit in with the rest of her description, and is particularly jarring since this is the first character-forming description we get and it's entirely changed as the chapter progresses.

I felt my flesh quiver at the very mention of ‘zombies’ and I clapped my mouth shut, obviously feeling sick with fear. It was a good minute before I could find back my voice.

Everything else in this passage shows that it makes her sick with fear. So, telling it again is a tad redundant. And also, showing is almost-always better than telling.

The cerulean Victorian ball gown I was wearing had an iridescent upper half, with a low neckline ending up right where it should, without revealing much.

If this is supposed to be a period Victorian gown, it doesn't make much sense for it to have been cerulean or iridescent. I'm not an expert on Victorian fashion, but it seems to me that colors were much more basic due to inability to synthetically create color (fabrics had to be dyed, and the dye had to be made by hand from plants/berries/etc). I do love the imagery of her dressing up in these gowns, though!

Then the realization hit me; of course, she was a vampire and it was natural for them to have straggly hair that looked more like an undergrowth of a Tropical forest than anything else.

Wow! Out of nowhere, Felicia's a vampire! I don't have an issue with her being an vampire, but I wish I'd had this information earlier in the chapter. It completely changes my already-partially formed picture of her character which can be off-putting to a reader.

Callous, dark, and cold. Just like a typical vampire.

Does she know more vampires to make this judgement call on all of them?

“Felicia, I actually ain’t planning that,” I slowly replied, as I took another of sip of the burning liquid. “And for the record, this coffee is irritably high on caffeine.”

Aria's use of "ain't" is jarring, particularly since she's been so eloquent all along. She even follows up in her second comment using words like "irritably". The "ain't" is unnatural and sticks out.

The Internet was loaded with a glut of information about the zombies, and for the first time I regretted not applying for ‘Picture memory’ at the Vampire Learning Uni.

Alrighty, so the part I've bolded in this bit made me stop and go "huh?" when I read it. The logistics for a Vampire Learning University seem so unrealistic that it doesn't quite make sense. It took me out of the story when I was reading, which is the last thing you want a reader to do. I'd suggest just cutting this bit. It's the only thing unrealistic about the whole vampire thing in the story, and the story doesn't seem like it would suffer without it.

Overall
I really enjoyed reading this! I think you've handled the whole fantasy aspect of the vampire/zombie stuff wonderfully (with the exception of being surprised about the vampire thing, but that can be easily fixed). I love the two characters, and their personalities. They make good foils of one another, and I really enjoyed getting to see parts from both of their perspectives. I hope you keep this up!

The only things it seems need work are the purple prose (anything you're tempted to use extravagant, poetic description for rather commonplace things, think twice ) and there were quite a few places where there were grammar type problems (Stella pointed out quite a few of them). Try re-reading over the chapter, or even reading it out loud to yourself, and you'll catch most of those easily.

If/when you post more, and would like another review, feel free to shoot me a PM or drop a note in my WRFF and I'd be happy to review again!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hey there Shubs!

Thanks for the request, although I must admit that I'm quite rusty.

My thoughts on this have already been expressed. I think blending Vampire and Zombies is a new take on the situation, and it's definitely interesting. You could go many ways with this, and I'm intrigued by it.

I had trouble getting into the chapter, though. I know your over-the-top descriptions have always been a problem, but usually I can still follow the story quite well. Not this time. I got stuck on reading all the details you'd inserted instead of concentrating on the flow of the story.

From one minute to another, I didn't understand what was happening. What exactly did Aria say that upset Felicia. And whoa! Vampire! Where did that come from? You'd given us no clues that Felicia was anything other than human.

Then Felicia says she absolutely needs to feed, Aria notices her checking out her veins but she doesn't worry? At all? Have they been through this before? HAs Felicia always held back? Then why does Aria appear so shocked that Felicia has to feed?

Also, if it's so important that she feed, why send Aria off to play dressup? Couldn't she have looked up the information before, instead of watching Aria?

And why the sudden change in POV? How much time has passed? Where did the Zombies come from?

I think there's a lot of useful information you could have trickled in instead of describing the way Aria sat or pirouetted or whatnot.

I also think this is quite an interesting plot. Let me know when you post more, ok?

Mom.

Okay so I'm not going to nitpick on grammar etc. since the people above me seem to have doen that effectively, or at least i hope so! However, I'm just going to give you my overall opinion on this piece.

I'm going to be totally honest straight up, and say that I'm not a fan of anything with zombies in it. The whole idea of zombies to me seems too far-fetched haha. I can cope with vampires, werewolves, people bitten by radioactive spiders but as soon as the word zombies is mentioned I instantly want to stop reading.

However, I decided that I would read this through, and I will admit I struggled with it. I don't know what it is, but i really don't like the idaes of zombies. That being said, I thought that this was written really well!

You used lots of description, and I could easily imagine everything, but I thought that at some points you were being too descriptive. You used long strings of adjectives that was really, to be blunt, unnecessary. There's no point in being descriptive purely for descriptive sake.

My next major turn off of this, was the name of the place. Forksville. I mean, really? Totally made me think of Twilight, and you actually made a reference to the author so you obviously know that the town in that is called Forks. I don't know whether you are going to try to turn this into irony, but if I were you I would change it. As dumb as this sounds it actually made me want to stop reading, because all I could think about was how unappealing Twilight is.

My next point, is your description of vampires. I really liked this. I thought you strayed just far enough away to avoid being 'cliche' so far, so please don't change that. However, like someone mentioned above i was also surprised by the sudden inclusion of vampires? It seemed random and you sort of just threw it in there.

Moving on to another part of the story that was rather unbelievable. Vampire learning Uni's? Does this mean that vampires are openly accepted? Or are these uni's private? This vampire is turning more into a superhero as time continues. You have to remember that for every strength there has to be a weakness. You can't have a monster running around that can learn everything. Where do you limit what you can learn at a vampire uni? You need to make sure your characters don't appear invincible. p.s just on a sidenote, I don't know why but at first I thought your two characters were lesbian...just saying haha xD

For one of my final nitpicks, the whole internet thing. You made it sound as though 'Forksville' was the only place with a zombie problem, so why would there be anything on them on the internet that was believable? Why would people know how to kill them when they didn't even know they existed? It would all just be speculation, and if these zombies are as terrifying as you are aking them out to be then the two MC's wouldn't have time to truly figure out how to protect themselves in time if a zombie was attacking. So that bit there was also iffy.

Okay so that's everything really that I don't like in this piece. I think you have a good writing style, you just need to remember not to be too descriptive. But for my final nitpick, remember not to go too overboard with the whole fantasy genre. Books like twilight, as much as I hate it with a passion, are popular because they are simple and people can believe it (apart from the whole sparkle in the sunlight thing, that was just ridiculous -__-)

I would love to read more of this, so please feel free to let me know when you add more to it! Please don't be disheartened either by what I said, I think this story has potential, and you never know, you may make me interested in the zombie fantasy! Happy writing

Here, finally.

MiaParamore wrote:
“Are you sure they won’t mind?” Felicia’s maple syrup voice fell on my ears just like a feather scuds in the hollow wind. I pirouetted on my toes to face her and found her slumped on the bean bag, her bracelets dangling like wind chimes from her wrists, a magazine crumpled in her hands.

This is a zombie/vampire blend if I picked up on the hints. Think how much potential you have with that premise, that considered, this is a rather lacklustre intro. The main issue with this chapter -- and I am no expert on this genre -- is the fact you delve into a rather bland scene that could come later, or be shadowed into the text as the story progresses. You have the potential to open with a heart thudding chase scene, I'm one for the sentiment and prose standing alone without gimmicks etc. but let's not pretend this is something it isn't, this is a genre stocked with clichés and gimmicks and few no writers escape unscathed. That is to stay, this doesn't need to be a literary masterpiece to win readers, you just need to compose it with the elements that win and maintain readership that are common to thriller/action/unexpected-romance. That being said I have chosen to review this is a middle chapter, because I could harp on about the lack of hook all day.

I asked, throwing my arms up in air in confusion.

Feliciaseemed smug as shegot up from her position on the bean bag and burrowed her hands deep into her jeans’ pockets. She shruggedbefore replying.

I felt my flesh quiver at the very mention of ‘zombies’ and I clapped my mouth shut, my stomach rolling sick with fear. It was a good minute before I could find back my voice.

I said bitterly

.

I wanted to smash her face(?), but then it would only hurt me, so there was no point in it.

I knew what she was up to.

Okay, if this was a hard copy I would be invoicing you for red ink. Because this needs a heavy edit. Now you know how to write, don't get me wrong, but it seems you don't know how to edit. Your prose is laden with tautology, repetition, and extraneous information. You need to understand what needs to be said, and say it concisely. From time to time (in novel writing anyway!) you can afford yourself a nice long wordy sentence to really build the atmosphere. But you need to balance it out. I would ask you, what disparity can you find between the last two sentences?

One carries emotion, and a forced fact that they have an intrinsic bond, wherein their nervous system responds telepathically to each other? It's good to drop these little interesting facts. The issue comes when they are jarring, and the reader realises you deliberately place that information, it seems a little contrived. You want it to be natural. The second sentence carries more character, in a way. It suggests this mental torment isn't rare, it suggests she knows her well enough to understand her thought process. It's charged with character yet allows the reader insight into the scene. We all know that feeling when our big brother/sister is deliberately being pesky, and our parents don't see it but we know. Its a familiar sensation and a strong line, albeit simple. So consider what both lines say, consider what they do not say, then consider what is important. Same goes for all the text in red, what are you trying to say? is there a better way of saying it?

It was another thing entirely that by now I had found a suitably(?) perfect façade to veil my real thoughts.

“What?” I let out a shaky nervous laughter feeling exactly like being paraded naked through the streets.

As above. ( I won't mention this again.)

I sensed little vexation in her voice as she threw down the magazine she had been reading.

You have a habit of overcomplicating lines which should be simple.

She had that tone again, the calm before the storm.

Something like that conveys the message, it also suggests a deeper relationship, one in which the narrator is so attuned to her emotions she can detect annoyance with a subtle inflection. Tossing a magazine is too obvious, it's not so much a sense, but a glaring symptom.

The spring fresh memory from the previous night roused in my mind like the ripples formed when a kid throws a stone in a lake.

Don't be so specific about your imagery and metaphors. You want the reader to relate, that is to say, you want it broad enough so it strikes a chord of recognition within them, they are thrown back to a time when they themselves threw a stone. Consider the line below,

Last nights scene roused in my mind with ripples, like a stone cast into a pond.

You need to read some tight prose, Raymond Carver springs to mind. Look at how he says so much, with so few words. Because brevity and eloquence are your friends.

The thin match-stick figures, all painted up in sick daunting shades of brown had been walking towards us like automatons, their eyes plugged with nothing but a void.(Okay, okay enough now.) A hurtful, big void. (good, please stop here, please!?) As if there was nothing in them, just a deep black abyss to which there seemed no end.(Why!? oh why did this wonderful description have to be murdered by over simplification?)

It's like you're obsessed with description. You do well, then you butcher it.

I looked Felicia in the eye. Her eyes were brimming with concern for me.

Too many 'eyes.' Avoid repetition like this.

I loathed the idea of leaving the warmth and protection of this house; Mrs. Jenkin’s house.

Okay, a brief word about show don't tell

You get it right most of the time. But, sometimes you drop little lines that make me cringe -- we all do it.

The thought of stepping down those steps outside, into the swirling winds, made me grip my coat tighter across my chest.

Who cares about Mrs Jenkins. I can only assume this Mrs Jenkins plays a large role, a lynch pin around which plot points are placed. If not, scratch her from the story. Now my line lets us know what the weather is like, the fact there are steps outside, clothing and a thought process. Your line doesn't offer much more than a nondescript reference to some woman and that the house is warm?

So why these tortures were were lain down at me? A normal mortal human!

A quick proof and you would pick up these things.

I knew if I tried hard enough, I’d find Mrs. Jenkins hiding inside a room we had never really thought existed and when we she’d see us, her plump arms would coil around me and she would peck us with relief and love. Then she’d turtle down and retreat into her kitchen and an hour later surprise me with her chocolate pies.

Good, this is the sort of description we need about the owner, assuming she is of consequence to the story.

“Aria, you’re still sitting here?” Felicia’s voice burst my thought bubble and moments later her hands were circling my arms as she tried to hoist me up. I politely resisted, and just kept sitting

Nice description here.

“Don’t fret. We’ll find a way out. Would you like some coffee?” Felicia pouted her deep red plush lips due to which I noticed an animated twinkle in her coal-black eyes.

Careful with clichés. The highlighted parts are all cliché.

Okay I have covered all the issues I could find.

For the story. It's a decent premise and it has an ounce of potential. The writing needs work. Like I said, less is more. Work hard to find the little things that say a lot.

JP

WOW! That...was...AWSOME! Please write more of this! I absolutly LOVE it! It has action, drama, mystery and VAMPIRES! All the essential needs for a perfect story in my eyes! I give you 10/10! Keep writing!

Hi there, Shubz<33333

Sorry that it took me so long to get here, I've been kind of busy and tired to review. >.< I apologize.

Shubz, your writing is lovely. I wouldn't change anything at all from these piece. I don't agree with joshuapaul in most of the sentences he has crossed out, because I believe those sentences is what makes us feel like in home when we read your writings. But then again, those are just opinions, you just do whatever you think it's best for your chapter, and for you as a writer.
I love the fact that you have lots of vocabulary, that is very good for us to not get bored as readers. Another thing is that you're clever. Nice ending. Leaves me wondering what will happen next. ^_^ Overall, it's great! Keep writing!

~Solly

Hi there, Shubz<33333

Sorry that it took me so long to get here, I've been kind of busy and tired to review. >.< I apologize.

Shubz, your writing is lovely. I wouldn't change anything at all from these piece. I don't agree with joshuapaul in most of the sentences he has crossed out, because I believe those sentences is what makes us feel like in home when we read your writings. But then again, those are just opinions, you just do whatever you think it's best for your chapter, and for you as a writer.
I love the fact that you have lots of vocabulary, that is very good for us to not get bored as readers. Another thing is that you're clever. Nice ending. Leaves me wondering what will happen next. ^_^ Overall, it's great! Keep writing!

~Solly