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Our Moon



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413 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 11009
Reviews: 413
Sun Oct 16, 2011 2:20 am
Cailey says...



Spoiler! :
I'm thinking of maybe entering this in a contest, so let me know your thoughts. Do I make you sigh and dream of your guy/girl? I know I'm only fifteen, and therefore am still so lost as to the beauty of true love. But does this capture the beginnings of love? that's what I was aiming for, but anyway, please review!


The moon has always held a special place in my heart. I have always loved the way it hung suspended in the sky like a piece of mirror, reflecting the glory of the sun yet without the blinding light. The moon has always been beautiful to me; it has always filled my soul with dreams.
Then you came along. The almost heart shaped moon snapped into something so much more than I could have ever imagined. The observant moon became a symbol, a reminder. It was in that pool of cream in the black sky that I saw your face and felt your fingers locked safely away in mine. I needed only to find the moon and my mouth would curve up into that lopsided smile that you loved so much.
The moon was the pale coin that pushed up over the mountains when we went to the Tercer Cielo concert. Only the glowing orange orb saw your arm slide over my shoulders for the first time. On that day, my heart saw only the moon’s light, felt only your arms and heard only the romantic music floating across the stadium and swirling around the pair of us like an anaconda, pushing us ever closer.
Even before that, it was the moon I was watching lovingly when your hand first landed in mine, when I first realized that you took my breath away. When I walked anywhere at night, it was the shining lemon slice above the houses that heard my whispered, “I wish you were here.”
The thumb sized rock was the one that had to put up with my sudden appreciation of chick flicks and the importance of its everlasting presence in every sky. It was the wheel of ice that carried my secret messages to you when you were gone. Only the moon was curious enough to see that every time my gaze fell upon it, you were in my mind. You, and only you.
At my party, the moon saw my joy, saw me trying to speak to all my guests and stand for all the pictures when in reality I just wanted to be with you. The sideways smile in the sky was the crescent that shone like a beacon pulling me out of the building and onto the stairs where you were waiting. The moon listened intently to your words, and who knows, maybe the moon laughed.
When we danced for the first time, and you whispered my name and tried to kiss me, the moon watched. When I shook my head and kissed your cheek instead, the moon wondered. When you pulled me away from the people and held me close and told me how much I meant to you, the moon stood like a sentinel above us. Then you pointed out its perfection and we danced in front of the shining window so that while I rested my head on your shoulder and admired its glory, you could do the same while contemplating the reflection.
Even during the day, the occasionally visible sliver of white watched from above, storing away all our memories and moments into its bombarded surface. Each crater hole seemed to be made for us to safely hide away a new word, a new proof of us and all we were.
Now, the moon remains, and each of those memories are still wedged between the rocks. When I see the glowing paleness of its reflective beauty, I will forever think of that first concert, that first dance. I will forever remember the way your fingers fit so well with mine. I will forever compare the moon’s brightness with the joy you made me feel. I will forever think of you.
Last edited by Cailey on Sun Oct 16, 2011 1:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

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141 Reviews



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Sun Oct 16, 2011 3:03 am
Daisuki says...



This was sappy. But beautifully and purposely so :)
Haha, I'm even younger than you, so I really can't say anything about love. I've tried the whole holding hands and cuddling up, but found out it just makes me anxious. So I stick to these stories and these dreams that take my breath away, compared to suffocating reality. (Okay, I admit I'm being somewhat insanely over-dramtic here. But I'm a teenager. So I'm allowed to. ^_^)

Back to the work. I really liked your descriptions, and the way the moon is used to link everything together.

When we danced for the first time, and you whispered my name and tried to kiss me, the moon watched. When I shook my head and kissed your cheek instead, the moon wondered.


This part stood out to me, partly because I could connect with the action going on, but mostly because I really loved the characterization of the moon. I'd like to see more of this, as I think it could really contribute a lot to this piece. "The moon wondered." I love that.

I also like some of your descriptions of the moon, but because it is an overly-used topic, unique and original phrases are really necassary to make the piece stand out. Use words that maybe you wouldn't normally associate with the moon. Suprise people with adjectives (within reason, of course). You can also incorporate that characterization here. Is the moon affable? Curious? I think a curious moon would be cute. Part of the reason I love the phrase, "the moon wondered" is that I get the image of the moon leaning down, looking curiously at this couple. It gives the piece a lighter, different take on such a seriously romantic element.

So. I liked this. Thus concluding my review.
-Dai
Oh, I wish I was punk-rocker with flowers in my hair.
  





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136 Reviews



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Reviews: 136
Sun Oct 16, 2011 3:54 am
Leahweird says...



I've only been in one serious relationship myself, but I think believing in "sappy" ideas is important. Part of falling in love is finding what it is that inspired all the songs and the stories, and finally understanding them. I think this piece really expreses that.
  





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Sun Oct 16, 2011 2:40 pm
BaronFlame says...



Interesting, Very interesting. One of the few subjects I avoid simply because I've got a lot to express and this is too deep a topic for my words to do it justice. I read only a handful of pieces here that have done it justice and this might be one of them(Then again I haven't read all of them and so I ask my fellow YWS members to not to kill me). The reason I say "might be one of them" is because at a few points it's simple, too simple and at others it so beautiful that it almost seems poetic.

The moon has always held a special place in my heart. I have always loved the way it hung suspended in the sky like a piece of mirror, reflecting the glory of the sun yet without the blinding light. The moon has always been beautiful to me; it has always filled my soul with dreams.


Really nice. Though you could refine it a bit.
A nice way would be bring in mythical references here. For example : Referring to the moon not only as a mirror but Aphrodite's mirror might help a bit. But again it might not, it's just a suggestion.
"Reflecting the glory of the sun yet without the blinding light" - I get what you're trying to say and it's good but it doesn't leave a lasting impact. One that makes you come back to this one line and read it over and over again, trying to fathom what the writer is saying. Replacing " yet without the blinding light" part with something like "on it's pale surface" or something similar might help.

swirling around the pair of us like an anaconda, pushing us ever closer.

Again, I get what you're trying to say here, but try to rephrase this. Specifically stating "Anaconda" might be a bit crude.

When we danced for the first time, and you whispered my name and tried to kiss me, the moon watched. When I shook my head and kissed your cheek instead, the moon wondered.


I love this bit simply because it almost, or perhaps completely, poetic in nature. Brilliantly written.

Even during the day, the occasionally visible sliver of white watched from above, storing away all our memories and moments into its bombarded surface. Each crater hole seemed to be made for us to safely hide away a new word, a new proof of us and all we were.


Perfect.

It's a really good piece of writing. There seem to be a few issues here and there but then again no work is flawless. Those who are intent on finding flaws can find them even in masterpieces.

You asked if this made me sigh and dream of my girl ?
Kind of. But then again my life is more or less messed up :P .

And you shouldn't feel disheartened because you're " so lost as to the beauty of true love.".
I ask you you, who isn't ? You did an admirable job and you'll get better with time.

You asked if this captures the beginnings of love?
Some parts were beautifully written and most certainly did so but others needed some work.

You also mentioned that you were thinking of entering this into a contest.
Try and rework a few areas and it'll be more than just a contender.
I wish I could give you a more in-depth review but at this topic, I usually am at a loss of words. :P

All in all, it's really good.
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." - Bilbo Baggins

"I did it! I finally killed Batman! In front of a bunch of vulnerable, disabled kids!!! Now get me Santa Claus!" - Joker
  





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Mon Oct 17, 2011 12:50 am
wtbh says...



This short story is soo good. You made it very detailed and you don't see a lot like that anymore. It kept my attention and I really enjoyed reading it. I definatly will be reading more by you and I can't seem to nitpick anything in this story. It was very well written. :)
  








I want to understand you, I study your obscure language.
— Alexander Pushkin