Young Writers Society

Where will I go when I die?

Will I rot away like a stinking bear carcass,
Or will I deflate like a sad balloon?
Will I linger on this Earth like the smell of sweet tropics,
Or dance in the night on the moon?
Or by and by, will I shrivel up like a flower,
That’s been separated from its private nook.
Pulled from its sole source of existence
And flattened like pages in a book.
Sometimes I feel like this flower,
Wilting beyond control.
Striving to taste the sun once more
But I can’t. I can’t be bold.

So give me a breath of this life-giving sun.
Touch my leaves, dry my skin.
Soothe my pain, soften my roughage.
Oh, let me live once again.
My petals have become dimpled and grey.
Gravity is playing its part.
But one kiss, just one kiss of sympathetic sunlight
Will heal me like chocolate for a broken heart.
Oh, I see how the clouds have gathered.
Forming pairs of two and three.
The sun has decided to hide its hopeful face
And there is no hope for me.
So as I release the grasp I have
Upon life and its fellow components,
I lift my leaves for one final bow
And pray to God for atonement.
For although I’m a flower, such a delicate thing
I too have sinned in my life.
As happiness has many a time come my way,
With happiness must come strife.
So as I answer my latter question,
“Where will I go when I die?”
I see this beautiful world around me
And think, “Why, oh why must I?”
For living is living and dying is dying.
Why must the two become one?
I feel I will never have enough time.
And I, I have just begun.

This was a very beautiful and deep thinking poem. I enjoyed reading it. I found this poem very fascinating. My favorite line has to be

For living is living and dying is dying

this was very straight forward and makes a clear point. In addition the next line

Why must the two become one?

really makes you think a lot more. I hope to hear more of your writing!

I really enjoyed this poem. I especially like the way it flows and the way you described everything in the first part of the poem. My favorite lines in the poem are "Pulled from its sole source of existence And flattened like pages in a book." , "But one kiss, just one kiss of sympathetic sunlight Will heal me like chocolate for a broken heart." and "For although I’m a flower, such a delicate thing I too have sinned in my life." I can not find anything to point out that could be corrected or fixed. Overall, it was a very well written poem and I think you did a wonderful job.

Hey kendellelise! You requested a review so here I am. I have to say that I’m no expert on poetry, but here’s me having a go at reviewing one.

When I begin a poem I always try to have the emotion that I want to project inside my head so that when it comes to writing it down, my words – whether its description or similes - reflect the mood of the piece.

Your first line instantly gave me a gritty tone, and that’s understandable seeing as you’re talking about death.
But I felt that ‘sad balloon’ and ‘chocolate’ kind of disturbed that gritty tone. Those words felt odd – maybe you could come up with a different ones that suit a more gritty tone?

The rest I absolutely loved. I’m not a fan of rhyming poems, no idea why, but I really liked yours. Maybe because there are some great descriptions in here and the subject matter itself is something so intriguing and relatable. I don’t know if this is your first poem or not, if it is I would encourage you to write some more. You clearly have great talent and I would love to read some more of your work.

I hope this has helped.

*coco

Hello, I'm here to review as requested.

I said in my thread that I wasn't too good at reviewing poems... And I meant it. But I'll do my best at satisfying you with what I have to say about your piece.

First off, I want to say that the rhymes, or the lack of in some areas, bothered me. Some of your lines have that little twist that I very much like, but then the rest doesn't rhyme. I'm not saying that you should change it, just that it bothered me.

The imagery was great in the first verse, and I thought you kind of lost it in the last part of the second verse. It might have been because you don't really talk about that, and more about the subject of your poem.

All in all, it was an excellent poem, and I really enjoyed reading it. I think your choice of words, rhyme and subject were good.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Hey kendal! Here as requested!

This is a really sweet poem! I particularly like the imagery in the second stanza, and in several places you rhyme so well it makes me jealous. When I write poetry I rhyme like a third grader. The flower imagery is lovely, and I think works particularly well here too. However, there are a few things that don't work as well.

Nitpicks

Will I rot away like a stinking bear carcass,
Or will I deflate like a sad balloon?

These two lines of imagery really stick out. The rest of the poem has these sweet, if not sad, images where here the image of a rotting bear carcass is ugly and big. In poetry, it's often best suited to hold to similar feeling imagery unless attempting to make a point. As that is not the case here, I would consider cutting these lines or replacing them with something more suiting.

Or by and by, will I shrivel up like a flower,

I want to talk about this flower business. In the first stanza, flower is just used as an image. However, the second stanza led me to believe that the speaker is a flower. Perhaps this is just an extenuation of the imagery, but I think the way that the first stanza isn't focused as well on flower imagery affects how this second stanza is taken. I really like the imagery of the flower to represent how the speaker feels, so perhaps consider reworking the first stanza to fit with the flower images as well.

Pace
As I was reading, I had an issue pacing myself. There are several groups of lines that read really, really well. For example:

So as I release the grasp I have
Upon life and its fellow components,
I lift my leaves for one final bow
And pray to God for atonement.

Just take a moment to read these lines out loud and see how they sound. It flows so well with the ABAC rhyme pattern you have going. Love it. However, this doesn't carry through the rest of the poem. A lot of the lines read kind of clunky and awkward. Try taking this whole poem and reading it out loud and you'll see what I mean. Some lines just have too many syllables and it affects how its read.

Final Notes
Overall I enjoyed this poem! It seems the main problems lie in how the first stanza connects to the second content, theme, and imagery-wise as well as the pacing of the lines/how they sound and are read together. Oh, and one last thing I wanted to mention. I think there could be a better title for this poem. The "Like Chocolate for a Broken Heart" just doesn't suit what the poem is about. The poem is about death, and flowers ( xD ) and only one line references to chocolate or broken hearts. Titles do a lot more for poetry (and even for short stories) than we think, so a good title can go a long way. I hope this review was helpful! Poetry is not my forte, but I have noticed I've gotten a tad better at reviewing it so hopefully I didn't just waste your time!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hi, kendallelise!
It looks like you've already gotten some great feedback on this, so I'll try not to repeat anything.

I really liked it! You had a very unusual rhyming scheme, but you were consistent through the whole piece. It flowed, for the most part, very well. You took a very deep concept and explored it without rambling or pontificating. Yay! It was very pleasant to read (in terms of the language you used, not so much the concept of death. ). I hope you write more poetry.
Nitpicks:

Where will I go when I die?

I feel sorry for this little line. He's up there all by himself. I think I understand why you wanted to separate it, since it's the main prompt of the poem, but it seems awkward to be apart from the first stanza, especially since the first stanza is so much shorter than the second.

Or dance in the night on the moon?

Okay, I just wanted to point out that I adored this line because it wasn't what I expected it to be. First reading it, I thought "Or dance in the light of the moon." But it wasn't! You were original and it's a splendid line. *is tittering with excitement over this line.* You deserve and elephant. Sorry. We can move on now.

Sometimes I feel like this flower,
Wilting beyond control.
Striving to taste the sun once moreI like this line
But I can’t. I can’t be bold.

This shift between speculative imagery to the metaphor that lasts for the rest of the poem is a little jolting. Maybe you could just continue talking about the flower, and not definitely about the narrator.

But I can’t. I can’t be bold.

This seemed a little out of place. I didn't connect boldness to the rest of the piece.

My petals have become dimpled and grey.
Gravity is playing its part.

I know what you mean about gravity making the petals fall, but the second line is a little disconnected from the preceding. The first line describes the petals, and the second is a little stark.

Will heal me like chocolate for a broken heart.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this line. It seems like a rather strange simile in relation to the rest of the poem. I'm not really sure why. It's a good simile in itself, but it just seems slightly out of place.

So as I answer my latter question,
“Where will I go when I die?”

I'm not sure "latter" is the right word. "Latter" to me is the last item in a list. I would probably just leave that word out.

And I, I have just begun.

Repeating the "I" here is awkward. If you did that just for length of the line, you could add a word like "Because I have just begun." I don't know. It's up to you, though.

Overall, I really liked it. There were only a few lines that sort of stilted the flow, and I bet you could find them if you read it out loud to yourself. I like to record myself reading my work, and listening to the recording really helps you pick out issues with the flow. You might try splitting up the second stanza so isn't so lengthy, but again, it's up to you.


I hope to see more from you soon! Happy writing!
-Sea-