Young Writers Society

Octavius. It’s streets were broad and well lit. It’s houses all looked alike. The shops had no difference in appearance. From the outside, at least. Inside, each house and each shop were vastly different. The traffic on the roads were at a minimum. It was night.
Unlike other towns, the Octavius authorities have been forcing builders to construct buildings to look exactly alike ever since crime became a major problem. It was thought that this would confuse the criminals into striking less valuable targets. It had become a police town, with a ratio of twenty citizens to one policeman, and yet, crime was on the rise.
These crimes were attributed to ghosts, and many tall tales were spun over the beer mug. The oldest settlers, however, told no such tales. They were dead. Gone. They had mysteriously disappeared in the night. Night.
Night had fallen. The darkened alleys behind the houses were still. Quiet. The police patrols came and went, vigilant as they always were. Just as they entered into an alley, a short and tall figure wrapped in cloaks stole past. The patrols did not notice, however. The figures paused in front of one of the walls, the small figure unraveled a short rope, which they used to pass the wall. They were in the backyard.
They silently broke the lock to the back door and entered. A darkened room filled with junk of all descriptions. They smiled at each other and took off their cloaks. Prancing around the room, they found the trapdoor to the main portion of the house. They took out some guns. “You sure about this, Mark?” The shorter guy asked.
“Yep, this is where we saw the loot being taken to.” Nodding briefly, the short man swung the door open. It was cluttered with junk. “Is there another trapdoor somewhere?” The short man wondered aloud. Mark looked to his wrist. “Yes. but it’s getting cold. I’d best go close the door”
“Sure, but come back fast. I will need you”
Mark turned and left the short man in the room. The short man smiled to himself, the scar adorning his right cheek giving an impression of veteran-ness. He froze. The sound of a boot behind him froze him in his tracks. Then he turned and slowly pulled a badge from his sleeve. “Investigation department.” He announced.
The man, dressed in a long overcoat, with a hand in the right pocket nonchalantly asked, “Investigator?”
“Andy, and keep your hand out of that pocket, will you?”
“Investigator Andy, what a brilliant name.” The man commented as he took a step nearer.
“Stop right there” Investigator Andy leveled his gun at the man and motioned for him to remove his hand from the pocket. “Sit.” Motioning to a chair.
The man smilingly sat down where indicated. Andy tied the man’s hands together behind the chair. “So, found anything?” The man asked.
“Corrody, you are charged with holding stolen property. Where is it?” Andy smiled.
“Under that suitcase, over there.” Corrody indicated with a jerk from his chin. Mark returned and smiled when he saw Corrody.
“Heh, here tied up like a barn fowl, eh? I thought you were Mr. Resspectahberr?” He smiled and went to help Andy remove the trapdoor. They smiled at each other and began piling the loot onto their cloaks. They folded the cloaks into bags and heaved them onto their shoulders.
“You ahrehnt getting away with this, Andy.” Corrody said with a sneer.
“Oh i think we will. In the mean time, sit back, relax, and enjoy yourself.” Andy drew a poison dart from his pocket.
“No. Andora.” Corrody started to panick. “No. I can he--he--lp.”
“Not this time, old friend. Not this time.” Andy jabbed the dart in. He smiled. “Let’s go.”
They silently made their way out the front door and disappeared into the darkness


Continued in chapter 2...

Hey ZLYF, Here to review your work today....

Don't know much about tearing it apart, but I'll do my best...

Firstly, I liked how you started this chapter, it gives the story this sort of mood and atmsophere that gets the reader to read on.

However, you make repetitions of certain words or phrases, which is not really good. for instance,

It was night.

Unlike other towns, the Octavius authorities have been forcing builders to construct buildings to look exactly alike ever since crime became a major problem. It was thought that this would confuse the criminals into striking less valuable targets. It had become a police town, with a ratio of twenty citizens to one policeman, and yet, crime was on the rise.

These crimes were attributed to ghosts, and many tall tales were spun over the beer mug. The oldest settlers, however, told no such tales. They were dead. Gone. They had mysteriously disappeared in the night. Night.

Night had fallen. The darkened alleys behind the houses were still. Quiet. The police patrols came and went, vigilant as they always were. Just as they entered into an alley, a short and tall figure wrapped in cloaks stole past. The patrols did not notice, however. The figures paused in front of one of the walls, the small figure unraveled a short rope, which they used to pass the wall. They were in the backyard.

You mention night four times, first you say It was night, then you say disappeared in the night. night. again you say night had fallen...to some degree that is tautology. If you keep going on about night, sooner or later the reader is going to say, "Okay! we get it. It was night" So just a suggestion here, but you should consider rewriting that part or doing some editing.

Secondly, like I already said, the beginning is truly amazing...but because of this amazing beginnning, the reader is led to believe that the rest would be better if not of the same quality. Howver, unfortunately you did not achieve this to the highest degree.

The scene you included, whether robbery or investigation was a wonderful intrusion, only poorly written. It lacks suspense, or mystery. You should consider taking your time to write it again.

Besides these nipticks, the story is really good, the title wonderful and the beginning, spectacular.


Wishing you the very best...

Keep writing.

Here to review as requested
Corrections and notes are in red.

Octavius. It%u2019s streets were broad and well lit. It%u2019s houses all looked alike. The shops had no difference in appearance. From the outside, at least. Inside, each house and each shop were vastly different. The traffic on the roads were at a minimum. It was night. This introduction really lacks description. Try to show rather than telling.

Unlike other towns, the Octavius authorities have been forcing builders to construct buildings to look exactly alike ever since crime became a major problem. It was thought that this would confuse the criminals into striking less valuable targets. It had become a police town, with a ratio of twenty citizens to one policeman, and yet, crime was on the rise. Again, you're telling rather than showing. Try to work this sort of information into the story, rather than dumping it all at the start. Don't give everything away at the start, let the reader work for every bit of information. They'll stay interested if there's still things to discover.

These crimes were attributed to ghosts, and many tall tales were spun over the beer mug. Could you tell the reader by describing someone spinning one of these tales, rather than straight-out informing us that that is what happens? The oldest settlers, however, told no such tales. They were dead. Gone. They had mysteriously disappeared in the night. Night.

Night had fallen. The darkened alleys behind the houses were still. Quiet. The police patrols came and went, vigilant as they always were. Just as they entered into an alley, a short and tall figure wrapped in cloaks stole past. The patrols did not notice, however. The figures paused in front of one of the walls, the small figure unravelled a short rope, which they used to pass the wall. They were in the backyard. Yay! Showing not telling! If I were you I would start the story here. This paragraph is actually a perfect beginning. Any information in the previous paragraphs could be worked in later. This will give you are stronger opening to pull the reader in, and it will also avoid info-dumping at the start.

They silently broke the lock to the back door and entered. A darkened room filled with junk of all descriptions. So describe it! You're a little sparse on the description; I'd like you to paint a little more scenery. They smiled at each other and took off their cloaks. Prancing around the room, they found the trapdoor to the main portion of the house. They took out some guns. Take a new line for dialogue. "You sure about this, Mark?" The shorter guy asked.

"Yep, this is where we saw the loot being taken to." Nodding briefly, the short man swung the door open. It was cluttered with junk. New line for diologue "Is there another trapdoor somewhere?" The short man wondered aloud. Mark looked to his wrist. new line "Yes. but it's getting cold. I'd best go close the door"

"Sure, but come back fast. I will need you"

Mark turned and left the short man in the room. The short man smiled to himself, the scar adorning his right cheek giving an impression of veteran-ness. 'veteran-ness' isn't a word. Maybe something like 'experience' could work? I know what you mean by it, but if you can't find a real word to express things you don't give a good impression as a writer. He froze. The sound of a boot behind him froze him in his tracks. Then he turned and slowly pulled a badge from his sleeve. new line "Investigation department." He announced.

The man, dressed in a long overcoat, with a hand in the right pocket nonchalantly asked, "Investigator?"

"Andy, and keep your hand out of that pocket, will you?"

"Investigator Andy, what a brilliant name." The man commented as he took a step nearer.

"Stop right there" Investigator Andy levelled his gun at the man and motioned for him to remove his hand from the pocket. new line "Sit." he said, motioning to a chair.

The man smilingly sat down where indicated. Andy tied the man%u2019s hands together behind the chair. "So, found anything?" The man asked.

“Corrody, you are charged with holding stolen property. Where is it?” Andy smiled.

“Under that suitcase, over there.” Corrody indicated with a jerk from his chin. Mark returned and smiled when he saw Corrody.

“Heh, here tied up like a barn fowl, eh? I thought you were Mr. Resspectahberr?” He smiled and went to help Andy remove the trapdoor. They smiled they seem to be smiling a lot. Try to use some other words like 'grin' or 'sneer' - there are lots of different types of smiles, so be specific and vary your word use. at each other and began piling the loot onto their cloaks. They folded the cloaks into bags and heaved them onto their shoulders.

“You aren't getting away with this, Andy.” Corrody said with a sneer.

“Oh I think we will. In the mean time, sit back, relax, and enjoy yourself.” Andy drew a poison dart from his pocket.

“No. Andora.” Corrody started to panic. “No. I can he--he--lp.”

“Not this time, old friend. Not this time.” Andy jabbed the dart in. He smiled. “Let’s go.”
No struggle or screaming? Most poisons aren't instant.

They silently made their way out the front door and disappeared into the darkness. Nice suspenseful ending.

This is a good first chapter. You introduce the setting and key characters well without giving everything away. My main criticism is that you don't use enough description. You seem to be just stating exactly what happens. Use some metaphors and similes and some rich description to make us readers feel like we're really there. Also, if you could show a little more of what happens in the main characters' heads that would be cool. Even when you use third person narration you can have the narration reflecting the thoughts of the characters.

I hope that helps!

- pigeon

Hi! Sorry about the delay on this, I've been on a bit of a reviewing break, but hopefully it shouldn't be too long before I get to chapter two now.

Specifics

1. It's vs its. Okay so it was in the first sentence so I figured I'd point it out. The easiest way to remember the rule is that you only use it's in place of it is. It's is always to show the abbreviation. When you're using its in the posessive sense, it's just its. For example:

It's my birthday. (It is my birthday.) RIGHT
The flute was beautiful. Its body was made from ivory. RIGHT
Its going to be such an awesome day! (It is going to be such an awesome day!) WRONG
I liked the bike. It's frame was red. WRONG

2. Stop being vague! You're a very lazy describer, huh? I mean come on, 'junk of all descriptions'? Well tell us about it. Are there rusted bicycles leaning against the wall or smelly socks hanging from an ancient cuckoo clock? You need to give your readers scenes that they can imagine with ease. It's not fair of you to make them do all the work.

3. There's a lot of smiling going on. You need to stop repeating the action; telling us once that they're smiling is enough. This is like the equivalent of telling us it's raining over and over again; it will be assumed that it's still raining unless you tell us otherwise.

Plot

What's going on at the end there? I got very confused. Like majorly. You skipped along too quickly, my dear. First off, why did the guy tell them where the stolen goods were? Or did he lie? And you need to follow that up and show us that he told the truth or lied. Or if the two guys didn't really come for the stolen goods, but for Corrody, then they should make threats to that effect. In general though, I just didn't find that twist in the plot believable. You haven't done enough work setting up the characters for us to be like, 'Oh yeah, I see how that could work.'

Characters

It's early so I'll let you off a little here, but there wasn't much characterisation going on. I couldn't have really said who the bad guys were, or whether these are men who are cruel or good men that have been pushed to cruel measures. More description would help you there. Which, yeah, is probably what you're lacking most in this piece. Nice use of short sentences throughout though, that built some nice tension.

Overall

Not a bad start. I can't say a great deal as it's short and too early to be giving you more than my first impressions, but I probably liked this better than your other stuff. There's something slightly more real about it so good work. I'll let you know what I think of the next chapter soon,

Heather xxx

Hello, ZLYF! I'm uploading something right now so I found the time to sneak out to YWS and finally give you the review you've been waiting for... Err... requested. (LOL) Let's first tackle me grammatical nitpicks. *smiles*

It’s streets were broad and well lit. It’s houses all looked alike.

Dearie, you don't put apostrophes here. 'Cause if you did, it would be like this: It is streets were broad and well lit. It is houses all looked alike. Its is the right word. No apostrophe. It's a possessive pronoun, not a contraction of it is. 'Cause it is "it is", then it is obviously wrong. *wink*

They had mysteriously disappeared in the night. Night.

I do not find the necessity of repeating the word Night. Were you trying to add drama here? It didn't quite work.

The police patrols came and went, vigilant as they always were.

I don't quite understand this. Where did they come, and why did they go? *confused* Don't rush.

I feel like there's a need to elaborate on this part:

DIALOGUE

“Is there another trapdoor somewhere?” the short man wondered aloud. Mark looked to his wrist.
<new paragraph>
“Yes. but it’s getting cold. I’d best go close the door”

OK, dear. Dialogue tags, such as the one you used (wonder aloud [though I'm not so sure about that one]) is always attached to the quotation. You don't separate it as a new sentence. You always put a comma instead of a period (though question marks and exclamation points stay the same), and don't capitalize the following word.

For example:

“Investigation department,” ,e announced.

This is right:

The man, dressed in a long overcoat, with a hand in the right pocket nonchalantly asked, “Investigator?”

But you make the same mistake again here:

“Investigator Andy, what a brilliant name,” the man commented as he took a step nearer.

And one more thing, don't try to look for a word to replace "said". Said is very versatile, and sometimes, it's just better to use it than to use a bunch of not-so-used-much dialogue tags. Sometimes, adding an adverb is better, e.g. he said loudly.

I will not point out the other dialogue tag mistakes you've made in the rest of the story. I will leave that for you to figure out. *smiles* Once you've learned the trick, you'll know how to fix it. So to help you improve, I will leave the rest for you to nitpick for yourself. Click here to read more about dialogue tags.

“Stop right there” Investigator Andy leveled his gun at the man and motioned for him to remove his hand from the pocket. “Sit.” Motioning to a chair.

This is messed up! D: First, there was no punctuation in the quotation. Then you used squeezed a quotation between a sentence and a subordinate clause, which was a gerund. I do not know how to explain how to fix this, but I do know how to fix it:

“Stop right there!” Investigator Andy leveled his gun at the man and motioned for him to remove his hand from the pocket. “Sit.” He pointed (or motioned) to a chair.

The man smilingly sat down where indicated.

We should be careful with our adverbs, dear. How can you "smilingly sit"? You, of course, may sit while smiling, or sit with a smile on your face.

Last nitpick:

Oh I think we will.

The pronoun I is always capitalized. No matter what.

OVERALL

Like LindsayG, I'm not so sure how to tear it up... Well, at least, I can't orderly tear it up. I'll just try my best to remember the things I want you improve on, and hope I don't miss a thing.

First, I want you to pay attention at the very first paragraph of your piece. First paragraphs probably - at most times, if not always - say a lot about your writing. If your first paragraphs isn't strong, so will the rest of your piece, the reader will think. But that doesn't mean of course that if you have a great first paragraph, the rest will be as awesome too. What I just want to point out is, avid readers of prose will want consistency. So will agency and publishers blah blah... it's just what a good writer is all about: consistency. Keep that word in your mind when you write.

This was your first paragraph:

Octavius. It<no apostrophe>s streets were broad and well lit. It<no apostrophe>s houses all looked alike. The shops had no difference in appearance. From the outside, at least. Inside, each house and each shop was vastly different from each other. The traffic on the roads were at a minimum. It was night.

So the readers gets the name of the place, right? Octavius? OK, then the readers read some descriptions. The houses. Then the shops. That's from the outside, then we go to the inside. That's good. Your order of description for me was fine. Thought the sentences itself could be confusing at times. 'Cause by the last three sentences, it was... it seemed a bit out of place. It seemed like flow was gone.

Then the second paragraph:

Unlike other towns, the Octavius authorities have been forcing builders to construct buildings to look exactly alike ever since crime became a major problem. It was thought that this would confuse the criminals into striking less valuable targets. It had become a police town, with a ratio of twenty citizens to one policeman, and yet, crime was on the rise.

(In purple: tense shift. Stick with past tense: had.) By the second paragraph, all I could read was a tell of why. But the explanation wasn't enough, because I had to think that, it was only the outside of the town where the houses were alike, and I just don't get it.

Overall, I see the potential of the piece, but the writing just has to be improved more. I would suggest that you give us your best, ZLYF. Don't tell us that you can do better than this without showing us. We would really, really want to read your best. If this isn't your best, then what are we reviewing here for? What if you best is far, far better than what I've just read right now, then I would've wasted my time, and that is just sad. I want you to consider what I've said, and next time post up your best, OK? =) I'm sorry if this wasn't my best review either. There's just so much work to be done here and I was getting confused. Though I'd like to see this edited. *smiles*

KEEP WRITING!


Jash