Young Writers Society

By the way, any feedback (including harsh criticism) would be greatly appreciated. I want to learn as much as I can because poetry is a major interest of mine. As a poet from New Zealand I have adopted a poetic style that complements our natural environment and the methods of local poets in my community.
Thanks, Oliver

Hey Oliver!

Moon here to review as you requested...

First things first, I really liked your poem. It had a nice feeling to it. I loved your description, it was detailed and beautiful.

There was midnight revolution in the cold current
as I slept-half under the city’s blanket
unaware that the atmospheric tomb was hung
with misty rain pillars all along the dark, mumbling
over desperate gale tones the secret language
of His kingdom (that I do not understand).

This was the stanza I liked the most; with its detailed description and good sentence-construction. You got a great talent in terms of making some fabulous phrases, they really had a great effect. One of them is-

misty rain pillars

I really loved the way you showed heavy rain and mist with this beautiful phrase.

Thick blood clotted clouds awake outside-
eyes wide open in the wake of murderous daylight
with the weight of hindrance like broken stairs leading
blindly to my thunderous mind.

This part of the next stanza had a great effect too... I've never ever read anything that described the starting of the day like this and again some real original phrases that I liked here-

blood clotted clouds

murderous daylight

You have a really great imagination; with all the detailed work and original phases, this poem is really beautiful... I can totally understand it about being about a writer's block after all that's what I'm feeling right now. It all gets so confusing and frustrating in this time. It seems like everything's going wrong and it's going to be like this until I can write something beautiful again. I totally get you man!

As for the technical part; your grammar and punctuation was good, good sentence construction. Everything was pretty good...I liked it very much so... you earned a like from me PM me if you need any help and welcome to YWS

Keep writing....

-moon-

Hey Urban!

Here as requested. I only found a few mistakes, but I do have a suggestion. Although while you have a wonderful vocabulary in some places I feel like you used a thesaurus just to have more elegant words. While this is not a bad thing and I'm not saying YOU DID use a thesaurus, make sure to explain your idea. Make sure you explain this Uprising. You do have amazing descriptive skills though.

So again today follows the underworld’s uprising
storm clouds coiling to Hade's modern breath…...

And creation on this drenched page will not happen now
(or tomorrow) until forming expectation falls in proper judgement judgment .

Thanks for requesting a review, I do appreciate it. I hope I hit all the points if not REALLY do ask me.
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

wow, it is a lovely piece of work. a great reflection of your mind aswell. i especially love the ending, which effortlessly ties up the purpose of the whole poem. i am, however concerned about your use of the hyphen, are they really neccessary? but i generally love this poem, it has abit of jargon, but at the same time, the jargon in it, provokes a curiosity to want to find out what u are really talking about...makes me want to know more about the poems content and origin of some of its elements. well done. oh and your structuring aswell, is amazing, each stanza has been carefully laid out and flows with the next. a great twist on the name too "clouds", one wud never guess the poems content by reading just the name... im abit worried that it may not relate wiith the poem as well as you intended it to be...try a name thats more raw than "clouds" to match with your poem.

Hello there.

I'm not the best when it comes to poetry, so who am I to review this? But I'll still try to do my best and give you advice that you will take in consideration. So, here I go.

So again today follows the underworld's uprising
storm clouds coiling to Hades modern breath...

You only need three periods here. I think the other ones are just unnecessary

There was midnight revolution in the cold current
as I slept-half under the city's blanket
unaware that the atmospheric tomb was hung
with misty rain pillars all along the dark, mumbling
over desperate gale tones the secret language
of His kingdom (that I do not understand).

The other thing that bothered me was the lack of punctuation throughout the poem. Sometimes it is accepted, because it goes with the flow, a sort of rambling about the topic. But this poem doesn't really seem to benefit from the 'rambling' flow, so I would like to see a little bit more comma's, if you don't feel like putting periods. Use proper English, and that should help a bit with the flow problem.

Also, this is a great poem, with a great topic. The emotions and imagery is really good. You describe some things that are great, and I really like it overall.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Heyy Oliver! Im here to finish your last request on your piece of work! I liked your other poems a lot! They are very different then what I have read, which is nice! I like to read other formats that are different! Makes it exciting! Haha alright now on with the review!



LOVED the poem! I think its your best yet! (Only in my opinion) I liked the mood through out the peom! It was nice and constant, the subject never changed through the verses (Which is very nice, able to be followed easier) I just really love this poem! Well, hope you like my reviewing on your peoms, I got much detailed into it as I could, Im not very good but hope it helps you! Message me if you have questions!

~Randi (Alabaster)