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by Kraemer in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on May 3, 2006
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The Mauve Eye

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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 4:35 pm    Post subject: The Mauve Eye Reply with quote

Chapter 1 - Huntseye

I watched my huntseye swivel on point, around and around. Its pupil didn’t move, I touched the top of it and it stopped, lifting it from the table I inserted it into my eye socket, it was painful for a few seconds only before I had a comfortable mauve blanket over part of my vision.

“Captain, The Witches have been sighted at the east gate,” came a voice from across the long gallery, I turned and saw my friend, Hanover standing at the exit, in my other eye he was blurred and purple. Captain, all I answered to when on patrol, that mystic word was what I lived for, it summed up my life: Leadership and work. One could no t exist without the other.

“Prepare the team, and get your huntseye in, we will need all the protection we can get.” Another thing that I enjoyed was orders. Hanover ran away at my beck and call, I felt myself breathe deeply with power. Fists clenched, and cap straight I followed the lieutenant out into the yard.

“Prisoners?” Hanover said as he prepared two black horses.

“No, kill them all,” I answered. I couldn’t wait to get in there and kill them, they would be kept from burdening the rest of society with there evil. I’d have usually groomed my horse before a journey, but the sound of wailing witches echoed through the air, ah bliss. I mounted my horse and looked to the sky as several black dots approached, calmly yet quickly they formed into galloping horses, gliding through the air. They came down and their masters dismounted, kneeling before me. Again I breathed deeply.

“The filth has attacked again!” They said nothing. “We are to march to the East Gate and kill them,” I heard my voice second after I spoke the words, I sounded bitter and cold. Good. It was the only way to ensure my leadership. I knew the other hunters were scared of me, they backed away and mounted again. I readied my horse.

”Take Wing,” I ordered, the horse obeyed and hovered for only seconds off the ground before rising into the air.

The Witches were no threat, for more than a millennium there kind kept creeping from the wood work, and every time they did, the hunters were ready to take them by their foul necks and strangle them into hell. For some reason they still existed, every hunters dream was to make the race extinct, to be removed forever, only then could we ret in peace. The Witches were rapists and murderers, evil in everyway. They couldn’t be trusted and it was my job to ensure that their trust could not even be considered.

Clouds passed, my eyes skimmed the urban floor, houses upon houses. Occasionally a large roof passed, the manors. The urban became woods and then fields until a huge black line appeared below with several people going beinf it. My mauve vision sharpened, it went from purple to bright white, each witch became clearer than day, and every time the huntseye sharpened, the sharper my hate became.

My horse landed and the squadron followed, dismounting, I saw the shock on the Witch’s faces. Their men, woman and children lowered themselves and backed away, a few didn’t move and were doing things with there hands.

“NOW!” I touched my huntseye pupil and vision became orange, I felt nothing for a second then hate, only hate. Channelling through my blood, concentrated in my heart, the hate turned to strength, my entire being became stronger. I raised a hand and pointed at the first Witch. Charged and swung. He fell down dead. I looked at my hand; it was glowing with blue flames, the flames of death. I burned with passion, every time I saw the effects of fifteen years training and the gift of the huntseye I became even stronger towards my cause.

Then I looked down at the grey man at my feet, a huge hole in his jaw where I had hit, his eyes were open and in them read pure fear. I looked up and clicked, the entire squadron became aflame and attacked. I went for another, smite and killed. Another. Smite and Killed. Another, then another.

The East Gate stood high, it was opened: the Witch’s entrance. I ordered the men to close it, they did so.

“Burn the bodies,” I went to lift the old man but a shock wave went through me. I shivered. I tried another and the same shock went through me. Each body vanished after the shock.

“Idiotic muck!” I bellowed as loud as I could and aimed a kick at a nearby pebble and missed. The prize of the kill was the burning of the bodies. Sadly, today that was not possible. I sighed and mounted my horse again, before my mauve huntseye glowed bright white again.


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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 6:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was by far better than hellstools, i could actually understand what was going on( exept at the the start with the flying horses, did he and the horse take off or wha...? it probably was confusing because you had two black horses from defferent places.

Any way, i enjoyed this and I loved the charecter but you half to slow down , you should let things develop more before the climax, but other than that , this was the best thing youve written so far , and that has to be pretty good Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 6:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Was Hell's Tools really THAT bad? LOL!

Thanks for the comments.

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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 6:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good work
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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hullo Adam... I like your style, and some of the dark fantasy and bluntly eerie description - though I've yet to critique anything of yours. ^_^''

This seemed a bit more rushed than usual though, and in that, you're running your sentences on and on. Full stop sometimes - not just comma.


Adam wrote:
I watched my huntseye swivel on point, around and around. Its pupil didn’t move, I touched the top of it and it stopped, lifting it from the table(.) I inserted it into my eye socket, it was painful for a few seconds only before I had a comfortable mauve blanket over part of my vision.


First sentence - fine. Second should end at the comma - unless you want to insert a semi-colon. Then there's no full stop after from the table.

Then --
Quote:
I touched the top of it and it stopped, lifting it from the table.
...it stopped lifting it from the table? Confusing structurally; switch it round.
Quote:
I touched the top of it, lifting it from the table and it stopped.


Quote:
“Captain, The Witches have been sighted at the east gate,” came a voice from across the long gallery, I turned and saw my friend, Hanover standing at the exit, in my other eye he was blurred and purple. Captain, all I answered to when on patrol, that mystic word was what I lived for, it summed up my life: Leadership and work. One could no t exist without the other.


More commas where sentences stop. Be certain that a finished thought, a complete sentence ends. Begin again.

Like so
Quote:
“Captain, The Witches have been sighted at the east gate,” came a voice from across the long gallery. (stop) I turned and saw my friend, Hanover standing at the exit, in my other eye he was blurred and purple. Captain -- (dash or colon) all I answered to when on patrol; (semi-colon - or stop) that mystic word was what I lived for -- it summed up my life: leadership and work. One could not exist without the other.


Try tweaking the entire paragraph though, when you rewrite. The Captain sentence is especially convoluted, and I think you could clean it up a bit, make it more forceful.


Quote:
“Prepare the team, and get your huntseye in, we will need all the protection we can get.”

Another thing that I enjoyed was orders. Hanover ran away at my beck and call, I felt myself breathe deeply with power. Fists clenched, and cap straight I followed the lieutenant out into the yard.


Paragraph after dialogue. And perhaps -rather than saying your main character enjoyed giving orders - leave it with his reaction. Hanover ran... etc. shows the same thing your first sentence enumerates; it drags a bit, repetitious.

Quote:
“No, kill them all,” I answered. I couldn’t wait to get in there and kill them, they would be kept from burdening the rest of society with there evil. I’d have usually groomed my horse before a journey, but the sound of wailing witches echoed through the air, ah bliss. I mounted my horse and looked to the sky as several black dots approached, calmly yet quickly they formed into galloping horses, gliding through the air. They came down and their masters dismounted, kneeling before me. Again I breathed deeply.


Again, a paragraph break after answered.

But concerning the rest - check your sentences for run-ons. Ah bliss ought either to be a new sentence, italicized perhaps; or, concievably, you could get away with an ellipse. " [...]echoed through the air...ah, bliss."

And do you want to repeat breathed deeply? It's up to you. But it's a chance to describe more vividly what he breathed, how it felt, smelt - why he breathed.

Quote:
I burned with passion, every time I saw the effects of fifteen years training and the gift of the huntseye I became even stronger towards my cause.


...Rather run-on. Try it so: I burned with passion every time I saw the effects of fifteen years training and the gift of the huntseye and I became even stronger towards my cause. You could also end the sentence and begin again with I became - which would make it neater.

Quote:
Then I looked down at the grey man at my feet, a huge hole in his jaw where I had hit, his eyes were open and in them read pure fear. I looked up and clicked, the entire squadron became aflame and attacked. I went for another, smite and killed. Another. Smite and Killed. Another, then another.


Here I can see the break, short sentence, incomplete to speed the pace. But you lose me with the first sentence. It's not agreeing with itself.

Here:
Quote:
Then I looked down at the grey man at my feet, a huge hole in his jaw where I had hit; his eyes were open and in them - pure fear.


Then - who's clicking? Does the huntseye click? Is the man clicking - as with his tongue? After click however, insert either em dash or semi-colon.

And with the entire issue of structure here; try present tense; new paragraph. Smite and kill rather than killed.

Suggestions - think it over. I love the concept; but it's coming through in bits and pieces, rushed. Is the character clear to you? I enjoy your garish, often dark descriptive prose - just be careful not to over-do; watch the punctuation and read aloud to get a feel for how it sounds. You can always tell out loud, spoken, whether your writing is making sense. ^_^

I hope this is helpful...clear enough. Tell me if not - I'm dead worn out.

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PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2006 1:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry for the delay but I have been on holiday, thanks for the critique.

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PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2006 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice little story you have here. I like the dark fantasy feel. The story is good but you need to flesh it out more. Give descriptions of the characters. And dont forget to use the senses. What does the MC see, smell, hear. The senses give a better feeling of what is happening and help the reader get involved in the story. Hope this helps.

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PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2006 1:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thankyou, yes this was rushed a little because I needed to get a feel of where the story was going. This thing probably wont even go into the actual thing.

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