Young Writers Society

“Will you marry me?” Mark was kneeling before me with the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my entire life. The simple, yet stunning diamond ring was sparkling against its crimson velvet base; mocking me. But I couldn’t open my mouth to speak, to give him his answer, the answer he deserved.
I knew the answer in my mind. It was a no. I knew it even before he asked me, even before we met for the first time.
He was looking at me expectantly with his heartwarming smile that touched his eyes making them sparkle in the light of the sun rising just behind me.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved him, I loved him with all my heart and soul but I just couldn’t marry him; not now, not ever. It wasn’t something I planned to do ever. I had seen enough of it to last me a life time.
“No.” It came out in a soft whisper, but I was sure he could hear me. Mark had crazy-dog-sensitive ears; he could hear the smallest, the softest of voices. But just this once I wished he couldn’t hear it, that this moment would stop here. His warming smile, his sparkling eyes mirroring me, the sun rising behind us illuminating his perfect features; I wish time would stop here. But it couldn’t and it wouldn’t, it would go on as before and never ever come back.
His smile slowly faded with every golden ray meeting the damp earth, the pain that shot through his face was like a blade cutting my heart slowly, making me feel the pain reflecting on his face.
But I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t subject him to more pain than was already evident on his face.
“Alex, babe what are you talking about?” he asked me with tears in his smoldering silver depths, each word breaking with emotion his voice contained.
“I can’t marry you Mark.” Simple as that, as simple as it was ever going to be. What else could I tell him? This was the explanation he should get. He didn’t deserve the pain of my wounds.

Hi, there, ChocolateMoonlight! (Such a pretty username you got there, huh.) I'm Jashy and I'm here to give your piece its first review. But just a quick one, okay? =)

First thing I noticed about your writing is the run-on sentences. Intentional run-on sentences are great in adding flavor to one's piece, but I really believe that there's a right time for it. These kinds of sentences, as you have used constantly in your piece, should be chopped down into at least a couple of sentences.

Mark was kneeling before me with the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my entire life. But I couldn’t open my mouth to speak, to give him his answer, the answer he deserved.

Another thing I noticed is the usage of comma. Well, it's pretty much connected to the problem of run-on sentences. Sometimes a writer wants to have long, descriptive, dramatic sentences, it only leads to having a bunch of irritating-to-read lines. And you don't want that. Long sentences are OK. Of course. Nothing wrong with that. But why not add simple sentences huh? =) Sometimes the short ones add the drama.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved him, I loved him with all my heart and soul but I just couldn’t marry him; not now, not ever.

I strongly suggest you review your punctuation, dear. I'm not so sure with your semicolon usage.

And now, let's move to another point: description.

I know, I know. It's just a prologue. But this line, I believe could have been more descriptive.

Mark was kneeling before me with the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my entire life...

I don't even know what kind of person the POV is. I don't know what beautiful is to her. Why not be more specific there, huh? =)) For example: Mark was kneeling before me with an open velvet box. Inside is a ring with a small heart-shaped diamond stone, the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my entire life..."

Moving on: dialogue tags.

Almost in all of my prose reviews, wrong usage of dialogue tags is nitpicked. But that's OK! Writers really tend to overlook that one. You must distinguish between dialogue tags and mere narration. Dialogue tags are separated only by a comma.

“No,” I answered him in a clear voice.

What we need here is an -ing participle; not a past tense verb.

...making me feel the pain reflecting on his face.

I'm glad that you posted this! =) Abrupt ideas like that are cool! Yes, I say you go on and continue it! =) But if you would ask me personally, I think you should add more to it. Don't forget to add something that would make a reader go, "Okay, this isn't cliche! I must start reading Chapter One!" I hope I've helped! KEEP WRITING!

~ Jash

Hi there!

So all the things I was going to comment about, Jash seems to already have done. -_-' So I'm simply just going to comment on the overall feel of this.

It's a quite short prolouge. This isn't a bad thing, prolouges are supposed to be short. But with the length you must use the right words and morph them into powerful phrases. Try to take Alex's past and her feelings now and put them together. Add a little bit of uncertainty in there. Have her dig through her mind for those wounds she has and then when she finds them, have her push them away. Know what I'm saying?

The whole point of the prlouge is to give the reader some background information. You seem to not have a lot in this. How long have Alex and Mark been dating? How old are they? Do they live together? What kind of jobs do they have? Give us a little more information about your two characters.

Overall this is a good start. Like Jash said, see if you can add a little something onto it that makes the reader want to keep reading. You did do a good job developing your characters though. Your descriptions are also good. I can picture everything you wrote. I would like to know just how beautiful that ring is though. I hope you continue this story! PM me or post on my wall when you have another chapter up.

Keep writing!

Hi! First of all, I would like to say that I felt sorry for the couple. You left that effect on me (Good! ). Second, because the idea just popped into your mind, you didn't give it enough time to make additions. Yes, the reviews above mention that you need to add description. Something seemed missing. A bit more description would definitely leave a greater effect on me.
Here's a thought. When Mark asks her to marry him, you can describe how Alex feels. (Show that she's shocked or frozen. The words aren't making their way out of her mouth. That her heart starts pounding inside her chest.) By showing her feelings here and there, the readers are going to be intrigued. They'll want to read more.

The pain that shot through his face was like a blade cutting my heart slowly, making me feel the pain reflected on his face.

Nice description given here.
And yes, I would want to know what the ring looked like too. I don't think you need to give the couple's background here. It's perfect as it is. However, I would suggest you do that in Chapter 1 (well, of course you will).

Do wall-post me when you've posted the first chapter. Your work has definitely caught my attention. I'll be looking forward for more.

Hello! This is pretty short, but obviously that's because it's a prolouge. Anyways, I think its a good idea for a book and stuff, but I can't write much here because there wasn't much to read. I did like it though. It intruiged me. You should seriously think about writing more. I'll defenitly read it if you do!

Hello, Chocolate, I'm Love.

First of all I'd like to get the nitpicks over with, so should we get started?

Nitpicks:

Mark was kneeling before me with the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my entire life...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Each person that reads this may see the ring as a different type of beautiful, not the type of beautiful that you visioned when writing that part, I'm sure. There needs to be more description there, not too much, but just enough that the reader pictures what you pictured when writing. We need to see what you see.

It was a NO.

The only time using all capital letters is okay in a novel is when writing out acronyms like A.I.D.S. and etc. Actually, I'm not sure that's the only exception, their may be some exceptions that I don't know about, but I'm sure the way you're using in the above quote is incorrect.

There are other ways to emphasize the word 'no', like using italics, without putting all caps.

I knew it even before he asked me, even before we met for the first time.

This bothers me. How can you know you don't like someone before you even meet them? Obviously she was willing to stick around long enough for him to feel it was time to pop the question. If she did not feel strongly for him she should have let him go before getting his hopes up high enough to propose a marriage.

This turns me off of your main character a lot. This makes me imagine her as a very fake and mean person.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved him, I loved him with all my heart and soul, but I just couldn’t marry him; not now, not ever.

She's contradicting herself. That does not sound like she loves him very much. If she loved him with all her heart then she would not be saying that she will never marry him.

His smile slowly fading faded with every golden ray meeting the damp earth.

“Alex, babe, what are you talking about?”

“I can’t marry you, Mark.” Simple as that, as simple as it was ever going to be. What else could I tell him?

She could tell him a lot more, definitely. More than just "I can't marry you".

This was the explanation he should get.

No, it is not actually. He deserves to know why Alex is turning him down and she is not giving him an explanation, you, as an author, are not giving your readers an explanation.

Overall:

To be honest - and honesty is all I offer - I didn't like this piece very much.

Everything was fine up until Alex said that she knew even before she met him that she wouldn't marry him, the quote I mentioned earlier. This made me dislike Alex and the rest of the piece just made my dislike for her stronger.

Aside from your character, the ending is very vague and unfinished. There is no conclusion. You say that there is no need for any further explanation when, in reality, a lot more needs to be explained. We don't know why Alex denied Mark's offer and her saying that she loved him so much only makes things more puzzling.

This can be improved with some clarity. Or if you just want Alex to dump him because she never even loved him and was just leading him along you should hint that she was just playing with him. Do something so that her flat on turning him down makes more sense and can be thoroughly understood.

If you decide to edit this please notify me so I can see your changes. This can be something but right now it's just vague and unexplained.

Love,

Loveless

Woah pretty harsh of her, but I'm intrigued! Why won't she marry him? The beginning seems like it could be more, captivating, but I'm glad I kept reading! can't wait to see what unfolds so please continue writing this! It's promising and has great potential.

Much better, Chocolate dear!

It wasn’t something I planned to do ever. I had seen enough of it to last me a life time.

This quote tells me that the main character has a bad history with marriage. It also makes the quote "I knew it even before he asked me, even before we met for the first time" make sense, because since she had a bad history with marriage she would have decided at a young age that she didn't want to be married.

That one quote made you whole story better, just that one fragment.

Now I can honestly say that this is going somewhere. I do have a few questions, where are you planning to go with this? Are you planning to expand on their relationship or will the novel be centered on what turned Alex off of marriage? I'm interested to find out.

As usual, I would like to be alerted when - if - you choose to continue this.

Love,

LovelessSummer

Hello, dearie. First, I'd like to thank you for resurrecting my WRFF thread. It's been dead for months. Oh, maybe just hibernated. And I'm sorry if I didn't get to this earlier. I lacked Internet connection for three days. Anyway, I am here!

Let's start...

“Will you marry me?” Mark was kneeling before me with the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my entire life. The simple, yet stunning diamond ring was sparkling against its crimson velvet base; mocking me. But I couldn’t open my mouth to speak, to give him his answer, the answer he deserved.

I'm so glad that you've taken the reviewers' suggestions on this! But sadly, there're still pretty much some ambiguous descriptions. But I think it's just the arrangement of the paragraph. I'd advice that you describe the ring first before you say that it's the most beautiful ring you'd - well, in your POV's opinion - ever seen. I do think it's just the arrangement I think. When I read it, it kind of confused my head, Wait... what's goin' on. Just try to smoothly narrate from one event to another. Am I making any sense? I do hope so. What I'm trying to point out here is, for example, After the question, there was this very good description, which unfortunately, tore down the shift from the question to the answer. What I mean is, the description was fine; it was what we were talking about. But it kind of chunked up and blocked the shift. Let me show what I'm trying to say. The paragraph was like this:

Question
Ring
Answer

Suggestion:

“Will you marry me?” Mark knelt before me, showing me a little box in his hand. In it a simple, yet stunning diamond ring was sparkling against its crimson velvet base, mocking me. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my entire life. <More narration here, i.g. (just an example, kay? It's just whatever that pops up in my mind) I held my chest. And that's where this should come in.>> But I couldn’t open my mouth to speak, to give him his answer, the answer he deserved.

I knew the answer in my mind. It was a no. I knew it even before he asked me, even before we met for the first time.

Well, that's really intriguing!

Mark was looking at me expectantly with his heartwarming smile that touched his eyes, making them sparkle in the light of the sun rising just behind me.

Here I'm not just so sure with the "touched".

Don’t get me wrong. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and soul but I just couldn’t marry him; not now, not ever. It wasn’t something I planned to do ever. I had seen enough of it to last me a life<no space>time.

You maybe asking why the but is not necessary. Well, for many people, it's a common case that sometime one can't marry someone because s/he loves her. The reasons are different, but that's the situation is the same. There's no need to contrast. If you want, you can just put that in its place.

Mark had crazy-dog-sensitive ears; he could hear the smallest, the softest of voices.

I love it that you added more description! That's a good thing. You're starting to elaborate. (LOL) But in this particular description, umm... well, I didn't like it 'cause it broke the dramatic event. Reading crazy-dog-sensitive ears kind of spoiled my moment. I think it's unnecessary, since you repeated sensitive in the following sentence.(LOL)

His warming smile, his sparkling eyes mirroring me, the sun rising behind us illuminating his perfect features; I wish time would stop here. But it couldn’t and it wouldn’t, it would go on as before and never ever come back.

This is such a great improvement, it made me smile. The scene made me smile. I felt your character's wish. That's very good. The following paragraph as well! =D

“Alex, babe what are you talking about?” he asked me with tears in his smoldering silver depths, each word breaking with emotion his voice contained.

I got lost here. What was that? Did you mean the silver line of the eyes. I don't know. Sometimes, it's better to use what a thing is commonly called. You must gain the knowledge of when and where to use such descriptive descriptions. The danger is, it's almost deviating.

“I can’t marry you Mark.” Simple as that, as simple as it was ever going to be. What else could I tell him? This was the explanation he should get. He didn’t deserve the pain of my wounds.

You've got too much sentences structured like that, instead of adding flavor, it was starting to be annoying. Try to limit yourself with it. Why not,

“I can’t marry you Mark." What else could I tell him? This was the explanation he should get. He didn’t deserve the pain of my wounds. "It's as simple as that."

Those altered sentences are just example, may I remind you. And here, dearie, is where my review ends. I hope it helps you as much as my review helped you before. Have a blessed day!

~ Jash B.