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Serpent's Teeth [1]



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Tue Sep 06, 2011 6:57 pm
Twit says...



Image


ONE

The wind was howling like a wolf outside, and the piano sounded sour. In the faint candlelight, the keys looked yellow instead of white, as though the sourness was leaking through and would stain my fingers.

‘Justine!’ I called.

A few seconds later, she appeared in the doorway. ‘Yes sir?’

‘Make a note and remind me tomorrow to send for the piano tuner.’

‘Yes sir. Should I draw the curtains?’

‘Oh, yes, I suppose.’

She went to the window and drew the curtains against the stormy night. The candles on the mantel made feathery orange shadows in her shining dark hair, and highlighted the delicate ridge of her collarbone. I felt the urge to take a piece of paper and sketch her throat for the working of the shadows along her pale skin.

Justine looked up and met my gaze. She blushed, smiling. ‘Sir?’

‘The shadows seem to like you,’ I said thoughtfully.

‘Really, sir?’

‘Yes. Of course, it would be good to have an anatomy doll that was accurate even to the collarbones, because it would make reproducing the muscle and bone structure so much easier...’ I pondered this for a moment.

‘Will that be all, sir?’ Justine sounded tired.

‘Yes, you may go.’

She went out. I raised my hand and looked at it by the light of the candle, flexing my fingers so the tendons stood out like living wires under the skin. The candlelight lit up the green veins on the back of my hand, and I followed their path up above my wrist, pulling back my sleeve to track them up my forearm. There was a quill, half-full inkpot and scrap of paper on the mantel, and I rested my arm on the piano lid and began sketching the network of veins on both sides of my arm.

I was still engrossed in this when Justine returned to inform me that there was a Lord and Lady Deveraux to see me.

‘What?’ I said. ‘At this time of night? I didn’t hear the bell.’

‘Well, they’re here, sir. Shall I show them in?’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Wait—’ I called her back. ‘A lord and a lady?’

‘That’s what they said, sir.’

She left the room, and I cast a hasty glance around. Justine had tidied in here this morning, so it wasn’t in too bad a shape. I put the paper on top of the piano and realised that my fingers were stained with ink. I wiped them on my trousers before I remembered I had a handkerchief up my sleeve. It was too late to do anything more; I heard footsteps in the hall, and then Justine opened the door and announced, ‘Lord and Lady Deveraux, sir.’

I surreptitiously scrubbed my fingers on my sleeve, and rose to greet my guests. Lord Deveraux was a tall man, dark-haired and very well-dressed, with gleaming leather boots and shining silver coat buttons. His wife also looked very fashionable, and very pretty, with lots of curly brown hair pinned up on the back of her head and a few long curls hanging loose around her face. Her skin was milky pale, and she touched the brooch on her damp cloak with nervous gloved fingers. Her eyes darted around the room as her husband bowed and said, ‘I do apologise for the lateness of the hour.’

‘Oh no,’ I said. ‘Not at all, it’s a pleasure. Justine will take your cloaks. Do sit. Can I offer you anything?’

Lady Deveraux sank down onto the couch and pressed her fingers together in her lap. Lord Deveraux sat stiffly next to her. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’

I sat down on the piano stool. ‘It’s a foul night, isn’t it? Did you come by carriage?’

‘Sir, you are Victor Frankenstein, are you not?’

His abruptness startled me. ‘Well, yes, my lord,’ I said, feeling as though I were admitting to a fault. ‘I am.’

He nodded. ‘Good. In that case, I feel we may dispense with the civilities.’

‘Um,’ I said warily.

‘We have heard of your work, Mr Frankenstein, and we wish to engage you on... a project of our own.’

‘What kind of project?’

‘Of life,’ said Lady Deveraux. Her voice was very quiet. I smiled at her, but she did not smile back.

‘We wish you to create life,’ Lord Deveraux said.

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Um...’ I felt a bit uncomfortable. ‘Well, you see, my lord, what I actually do is make... well, I don’t create life, I create people—servants or creatures or animals and they—well, they are alive, but it’s more like clockwork. Some of the simpler creatures are merely clockwork, but I can make you something much more sophisticated if you have the time. But I don’t really create life.’ I tried again to smile at Lady Deveraux, but she wouldn’t meet my eye. ‘That is more in the realm of the Almighty than in my workshop.’

There was a pause. The rain beat hard against the window, and the wind blew down the chimney, worrying the smouldering log so it shivered up a flock of orange sparks that gleamed bright in the darkness of the fireplace. I fumbled in my breeches pocket. ‘Here... I don’t know if you’ve seen my card, but...’ From amongst the bits of string, the tweezers, and scraps of paper in my pockets, I brought out one of my cards and handed it over. It was cut from textured ivory pasteboard, and on it was printed in large letters Monster and Minions (Made to Order) with my name and address underneath.

Lord Deveraux gave it a cursory glance and laid it down on the sofa arm next to him. ‘Mr Frankenstein, I am well aware of your work. That is precisely why I feel you are able to do this for us.’ He glanced at his wife, then looked back at me steadily. ‘I am aware of your excellent record at the University of Ingolstadt, your experimentation there, the... scandal.’

My stomach lurched, and for a moment I felt bile rise in the back of my throat. I swallowed convulsively and opened my mouth to say something dismissive, but couldn’t think of anything glib enough, so I closed it. Lord Deveraux smiled tightly, and I rubbed my fingers over the backs of my hands to steady myself.

‘Perhaps if I explain our situation.’ Lord Deveraux leaned back in the sofa and rested his hand on the arm. My card fluttered to the floor but he didn’t turn his head. ‘I have been married to my wife for five years. In that time we have only had one child who lived past their first year. A little girl. She lived, but in increasingly poor health, and the physicians advised us that she would not live to adulthood.’

I nodded, but a wave of panicked nausea rose up inside my stomach.

‘Her health has deteriorated considerably in these past few months. To put it bluntly, Mr Frankenstein, she is dying, and there is nothing the physicians can do to help her.’

Lady Deveraux made a tiny sound in her throat, quickly suppressed. I looked at her. She was pulling at the fingers of her gloves, creasing the fine white kid.

‘She will die within a very few days,’ Lord Deveraux said relentlessly. ‘When she does, we want you to resurrect her.’
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


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Tue Sep 06, 2011 8:04 pm
AmeliaCogin says...



Hi Twit; it's so nice to be able to review something of yours! I'm not sure if we've "met" before now so, Hello, I'm Amelia. Do you have a name, or you would you prefer to be known as Twit? Anywho, on with a review!

You are clearly very imaginitive and creative. Although the whole storyline was just a little bit 'out-there', I have to say, I really am impressed. Admittedly, I was hooked on every word! Your prose is so uncluttered yet not lacking in anything; it's so uncomplicated and subtle yet strinking and forceful. I do have a few things to point out and a few nitpicks to make. Firstly, I'll make an analysis of the body of your work and give you a few hints on how you can improve you chapter.

Characters:

Your characters were very realistic. There as so many works on YWS - well, even published pieces - in which the characters are not realistic in their actions, and, in my mind, are unrelateable. I think the main, most prominent reason a book or short-story piece 'stays with' you, or sticks in your mind, is because it appeals to normal, Human actions and inclinations. You have crafted your characters so brillantly, and have made them so true-to-life that they make an impact. They're the reason I am so desperate to read more!

Dialogue:

Your speech was controlled. It didn't rule the piece and make up the body of work: you were balanced in your aproach. The manner with which Justine and Mr Frankinstien were speaking was appropriate to the era you were clearly trying to capture. The conversation between them flowed smoothly. The only thing I noticed was that, more than once, Mr Frankinstein said: 'I suppose so'. It became a little tiresome.

General nitpicks:

Now, here's where I start to get a little bit mean! Ha-ha, not really! I am, though, going to critisise the formulation of your opening sentence.

Twit wrote:The wind was howling with rain outside, and the piano sounded sour


Okay, so, that last bit of that sentence - 'the piano sounded sour' was interesting and effective - it set an opening scene. That alone - a blunt, dumpy sentence - would be a perfect introduction, in my opinion. I don't like first part: 'the wind was howling with the rain outside'. It's boring, bland, and not incredibly descriptive. It's not been very well written, either. Why not use the latter part of that sentance as your introductory sentence, and then go on to describe - in more upbeat, exciting lauguage - how the rain was lashing onto the window; pounding the earth. You say that the wind was 'howling'. That is rather cliched. How about the wind 'raged and ravaged as a tiger with it's prey' - or something to that effect?

Twit wrote:against the stormy night
- I think that, in this instance, 'blocking out the stormy night' or 'shutting out the stormy night' would sound better.

Twit wrote:I create people—like servants or creatures or animals and they—well, they are alive, but it’s more like clockwork
I think there needs to be another dash between 'alive' and 'but'.

Twit wrote:Lady Deveraux made a tiny sound in her throat, quickly suppressed
Perhaps put 'which she quickly supressed' in this sentence.

That's it! I hope I've helped, and I hope some use has been scavanged amidst my ramblings! If you have any questions or wish me to re-read your piece after you have made corrections, then please feel free to PM me or leave a comment on my wall!

Until the next time
~ Amelia
  





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Wed Sep 07, 2011 5:47 pm
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Ranger Hawk says...



'Ello, Twitniss, here for a review! ^_^

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that I'm a fan of anything Frankenstein-related, so this is quite the treat to read! I'm really looking forward to reading more; I love the time period this is set in and the characters, especially Frankenstein, are already interesting. I'm rather hoping we'll get to see him degenerate into a mad scientist-sort of character.

The one thing I felt was...lacking, I suppose, was the sound of this being in the 1700's. I mean, there were moments, mostly in the dialogue, where it felt like it was correct, but during the narration there were times where it felt like it was a modern tale being told by a contemporary character. Like when he says "flippant," or a "sinking feeling." They just feel like idioms used in more modern settings, so to have them in a piece that's supposed to be quite a bit older doesn't feel right.

I felt the urge to take a piece of paper and sketch her throat for the working of the shadows along her skin.

Wording feels off right here; perhaps changing it to something like, "...sketch her throat to capture the working of the shadows..." I just feel like a couple of descriptive words are missing in that section, so that it makes sense.

Some of the simpler creatures are merely clockwork, but I can make you something much more sophisticated if you have the time, but I don’t really create life.’

Got a bit repetitive, not to mention a tad full of negative contradictions. I think either starting a new sentence at that last part, "But I don't really create life," would make it sound more like he's being adamant about the fact, while also distinguishing it as something important.

Well, that's all I've got to say. There's really not much for me to critique here, as your writing is excellent. Please let me know when you post the next chapter! I can't wait to read more. :)

Cheers!
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:04 am
DukeofWonderland says...



Lord, you write huge stuff! I’m not an avid reader or expert writer, I’ll simply say what I feel. Hope you’re fine with that.
piano sounding sour, feels a bit off (or is that the idea?).
‘Yes sir. Shall I draw the curtains, sir?’- too many sirs in one sentence. Yes sir. (after a pause, or after some mentioned movement) Shall…,sir? Will sound fine
The candles on the mantel made feathery orange shadows in her dark hair- this sentence lost my slow delicate attention. The description seems too long on the breath.
The shadows seem to like you,’ I said thoughtfully. I liked this sentence
it would be good to have an anatomy doll that had things like correct collarbones things feels too unspecific here, too general when your describing complex things
and I followed their path up above my wrist, pulling back my sleeve to track them up my forearm. delete ‘and’ and make it a new sentence- maybe
….when Justine came backreturned in to tell meinform me that there was a Lord and Lady Deveraux to see me. of the arrival of Lord and Lady Deveraux- maybe this statement. ‘a’ Lord and Lady sounds…odd
‘What?’ I said…. I asked, since that’s more precise and all
She left the room, and I cast a hasty glance around the room. delete ‘the room’ at the end, redundancy is felt
It was too late to do anything more; ..I personally am not very good at punctuation and get commented on that a lot, so if I’m wrong- overlook. I think putting full stop here works better.
The lord and lady well elaborately and eloquently described. Use beautiful not pretty when describing the Lady, pretty sounds like me talking. You know, a little kiddish.
There was a pause. The rain beat hard against the window, and the wind blew down the chimney, tickling the smouldering log so it shivered up a flock of orange sparks that gleamed bright in the darkness of the fireplace. I liked this description a lot, I could literally feel the place and the silence.
Lady Deveraux made a tiny sound in her throat, quickly suppressed.and quickly suppressed it, creasing the fine white kid. kid? I don’t know what this means.
Epic thought, I’d like to read the entire novel …..someday, I hope. The problem is your sentences get too long and usually your flow is great and it has this certain personal, pace to it but then suddenly, the sophistication and flow falls off, but not for long though. You pick it up soon again. From the mid-way, I could see you completely emerged and from then on, nothing changed. The beginning though, a little unstable somehow. Hope the review helps.
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
-- Terry Pratchett, "Wyrd Sisters"
  





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Sun Sep 11, 2011 4:28 pm
joshuapaul says...



This is pro Twit. Almost every line went by without any jarring little errors. It's very balanced and I think you have done an amazing job fleshing out your protagonist. I love finding work on YWS that really feels pro, that feels like I could be standing in a book shop reading this, so well done.

One thing that stayed with me

with lots of curly brown hair pinned up on the back of her head and a few loose curls hanging loose around her face


Don't repeat loose. It's enough to throw the reader a little bit, not to mention a little annoying and frankly lazy. Find a better word. I think Amelia covered everything else I might have had to say.

Well done, I look forward to the rest of this!
Last edited by joshuapaul on Tue Sep 13, 2011 3:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue Sep 13, 2011 2:58 am
Kafkaescence says...



Bonjour. I haven't read any of the other reviews, so I apologize if I repeat anything.

I don't think I've ever reviewed anything of yours; it was, needless to say, refreshing to read something so...so exotic, especially when paired with an unfamiliar writing style. One tends not to see things like these anymore, neither on YWS nor in publications in general. I think they are, in a sense, tabooed, because back in the day Lovecraft and Shelley each took the Resurrection concept by the roots and pulled it out of the ground and explored it with nearly unassailable completeness. When anyone else wrote something of the sort, it was quickly labelled as clichéd. So things like that died out. I mean, you just don't see them around anymore. I'm glad you recognized that there was still quite a bit of prospecting to do on the idea.

Your prose was great, but didn't it seem a little too...modern, at least for such a dated setting? Shouldn't Dr. Frankenstein and Mr. and Mrs. Deveraux be conferring in "thee"s and "thou"s? - Frankenstein first made his appearance in what, the early 1800s? Or is this Little Grandson Frankenstein? Words like "um" and "like" ("like" in the informal sense we know today) have no place in such a time period. Also, contractions didn't begin to enter our speech until the 1900s, I believe. Dr. Frankenstein seems to be using many contractions - ahem - so I think it might do him good to remember that he lives in 1820 or whatever, not in 1980.

While I'm on the subject of your prose, I believe more description would beautify this piece quite nicely. Description, more than anything, I think, establishes the atmosphere. Dialogue can help, but it's not nearly as potent. And in something like this, some Lovecraftesque melodrama, atmosphere is incredibly important. You kiiind of take a stab at it with the first paragraph, with the whole stormy night enterprise, but this so-important description is quickly lost in neglect. Try mentioning the storm more, or the sour piano keys (I love that - though could "piano" be changed to "organ?" That would be even more clichèd eerie.), especially during the conversation at the end; it will, I think, greatly complement the tenseness of the dialogue.

Nitpicks! Really, there isn't too much to say in this department. Your syntax was very near perfect, as far as I could tell - kudos on that - and there is very little to say in the way of sentence structure or word choice either. I do have a few things to mention, though.

Mr

This bugged me. Nearly all of my reading experience points not to "Mr" but to "Mr.," and the latter is how I feel it should be written - the title is short for "Mister," is it not? Shouldn't it be written as an abbreviation? But I have seen "Mr" before - much more seldom, I should add - so does your experience cause you to lean toward it instead? Maybe it's just a matter of preference, and one is just as correct as the other, but I felt I should bring the issue up anyway.

the physicians advised us that she would not live to adulthood.

Ah - getting mixed up between "advised" and "informed." "Advise" means to offer counsel, but the doctors aren't offering counsel - all they're doing is telling the parents that their daughter was doomed to die. This is information, not advice.

I put the paper on top of the piano and realised that my fingers were stained with ink. I wiped them on my trousers before I remembered I had a handkerchief up my sleeve.

These two sentences are structured the exact same way. It's not too big of a problem, but variety in sentence structure is always important.

Well, that's about it! I hope this review helped. I'm really excited to see how this story carves itself out. Keep writing!

-Kafka
#TNT

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Tue Sep 13, 2011 8:40 pm
Rydia says...



Hello my dear! Now let me see...

‘The shadows seem to like you,’ I said thoughtfully.
I just wanted to say that I really loved this line of dialogue. Excellent characterisation and just a really nifty line in general.

‘Yes. Of course, it would be good to have an anatomy doll that was accurate even to the collarbones, because it would make reproducing the muscle and bone structure so much easier...’ I pondered this for a moment.
But then just two lines later you give us this :/ It's awkward and sounds so stiff and un-natural! I think you need to take another look.

Alright so nothing else nit-picky! I must say, I like this. A very clever little modernisation you have going on here and some excellent characterisation on the part of Mr. Frankenstein, some smooth prose. But (oh my dear, you knew there would be a but). But, I think the lady needs more attention! You keep drawing our eye to her but giving so little away. Does she appear frail to him, wan? Or sturdy and not at all like a grieving mother should. It's hard to tell if she or the husband is in control currently and that should not be the case! Frankenstein is looking to sell his work (though he does so reluctantly I must note) and one of the first questions he should ask himself is, who is in charge here? Who am I selling to? I ran a stall for a day as part of a project with my school and whenever people came up in pairs, you had to know who to sell it to. If a man and wife, it was often the wife. If a parent and child then the child was your way in. Get them interested and they'd bug bug bug the parent until they gave in. But who here has the control in this instance?

It's too early to give you much more advice than that, but I can say that it's going well and I'd certainly read on. In fact, I'm off to see if you have more up yet that I can add to my list. But, if not, you should certainly let me know when you do,

Heather xxx
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Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:37 am
GryphonFledgling says...



Hello-hi! Sorry it took me so doggone long to get around to this bad boy.

Justine looked up and met my gaze. She blushed, smiling. ‘Sir?’

‘The shadows seem to like you,’ I said thoughtfully.

‘Really, sir?’

‘Yes. Of course, it would be good to have an anatomy doll that was accurate even to the collarbones, because it would make reproducing the muscle and bone structure so much easier...’ I pondered this for a moment.

Yes, I had to quote whole darn exchange. Because I loved it so. darn. much. Seriously, this carries so much characterization and relationship info and background and ugahgagah... In four lines! I wanna grow up and write like you.

I surreptitiously scrubbed my fingers on my sleeve

May again be just another quirky moment of characterization, but didn't he just notice that he had a handkerchief up said sleeve?

I noticed quite a few others, in their reviews, pointing out that this feels a bit contemporary. I'm most certainly not an expert on historical fiction (I'm not even really a big reader of it), so I didn't notice too much out of the ordinary. As it was, it felt "old-ish" rather than archaic, and still maintained a modern sensibility about it. Which makes sense, seeing as how it is being written for a modern audience.

like servants or creatures or animals

This would be the one thing I did pick up on. Rather than using the term "like", which honestly felt a little too modern, perhaps something like "such as" might ring a little bit better? Frankenstein does seem to be a little less concerned with formality (or perhaps a bit less familiar with it?), but that just felt a bit too contemporary.

One thing I did notice (and seriously loved) was how Frankenstein would use contractions and little stutterings, but the lord and lady wouldn't. It just set him apart from their society far more than really anything else he did, and it was practically subconscious. Gaaaah, why must you be so amazing?

Monster and Minions (Made to Order)

This is probably just a personal gripe, but I seriously hate parentheses in prose fiction. I can see how you are using it here and it differs from what usually bothers me, but you also have a picture of said card at the top of the page and it doesn't have parentheses. And those parentheses are there. It bothers me. Go ahead and seperate it with a comma or a semi-colon or some other method of distinguishing that it is part of a different thought, but not parentheses. >.> Yeah, like I said, very subjective and feel free to ignore me (for serious, you can totally forget I said anything if you wish), but I hatehatehate unnecessary parentheses in prose fiction.

Anyway, all in all, I am in love with this. I love the quirky little nature of it, even in the short bit we have here, I love the character we're presented with Frankenstein, and I just love this piece. Seriously. I am on to the next chapter now. I will try to make my next review more constructive when I get more story under my belt.

Spam my wall or send me a PM if you have any questions or comments.

Peace.

~Gryph
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Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:30 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey, hey Twit!

So, I'm sorry about getting to this late but wow, you've got an amazing pile of review up already and I can't even imagine me picking up on anything that they might've already mentioned. With that said, this is going to suck - big time. Oh, and possibly be a bit of a repetitive review because I still want to give you my thoughts. ;) Stick tight.
I surreptitiously scrubbed my fingers on my sleeve, and rose to greet my guests.

I think I might be missing something and I think Gryph mentioned something about this in her post but what happened to the handkerchief that he had up his sleeve? Also, I'm kind of confused with why he even has a handkerchief up his sleeve to begin with but I'm sure that's just me and dusty knowledge on this 'time period' I suppose. Maybe people did that back then, put handkerchiefs up their sleeves, lol. ^^ Anyway, it's something little but that's all I could really point out.

I mist say however, your writing is marvelous and truly quite a present to read. Can I marry your descriptions? I like the way you word your descriptions and they aren't cluttered or too sophisticated either, they're just right - which is nice.
‘Of life,’ said Lady Deveraux. Her voice was very quiet. I smiled at her, but she did not smile back.

I like this line in particular. Just goes to show how his character sees them right now, hard to explain exactly what that feeling is... I know there's a word for it but it escapes my mind! D:

Anyway, gosh this is quite amazing. I'm liking where this is all heading and I'm hoping that you'll put a little spin on the Frankenstein story of your own. The writing is great, more than great it totally catches my attention and I really don't have anything further to say about it or really critique it. Yeah, I'm going to be a waste of space at the moment... lol.

My only tiny piece of advice would be to prolong the ending of this chapter a bit. It seemed like too fast of an ending and sounded like you wanted it to be dramatic however, it was a train going really fast and picking up speed and we're all hooting and hollering and suddenly it just stops. It's a horrible example but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, right?

Overall, I enjoyed this and I do think I'll be following your novel. It's captured my interests. :)

-Shear
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Thu Sep 22, 2011 1:07 pm
Wolferion says...



Hiya! =) I'll review all three when I get the time, for the time being let's get through this one. I've put my impressions, notes and the likes in the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
The wind was howling life a wolf outside, and the piano sounded sour. In the faint candlelight, the keys looked yellow instead of white, as though the sourness was leaking through and would stain my fingers.
- I like how it starts, imagination full power. However, I'm kind of disturbed by the "howling life a wolf", it feels like there's something missing like "of" or "as" or the likes. The rest is good - I can imagine it well and that counts.

‘Justine!’ I called.

A few minutes later she appeared in the doorway. ‘Yes sir?’
- It might be just mine nitpick, but it kind of disturbs the imagination. You have your MC call Justine and then - minutes of complete silence without a single thought? It's a bit tough to imagine. Maybe change the time gap or let us focus on her slight footsteps getting closer to the doorway? That way the gap between MC calling and Justine calling will be filled and go smooth.
Also, another nitpick. You have a new character come to the doorway and just talk. We have no idea how she looks or how she sounds, or at the very least, what's her age. For everybody it will be different, somebody might imagine an old hag with a screeky voice or something. Or a small girl. I hope you get the point. If she is any important to the story or to the MC, it'd be just apropriate.


‘Make a note and remind me tomorrow to send for the piano tuner.’

‘Yes sir. Should I draw the curtains?’

‘Oh, yes, I suppose.’

She went to the window and drew the curtains against the stormy night. The candles on the mantel made feathery orange shadows in her dark hair, and highlighted the delicate ridge onf her collarbone. I felt the urge to take a piece of paper and sketch her throat for the working of the shadows along her skin.
- Interesting interest/focus of description, I am still troubled by not knowing about Justine's age/appearance though. Collarbone and throat don't tell me much about her.

Justine looked up and met my gaze. She blushed, smiling. ‘Sir?’

‘The shadows seem to like you,’ I said thoughtfully.

‘Really, sir?’

‘Yes. Of course, it would be good to have an anatomy doll that was accurate even to the collarbones, because it would make reproducing the muscle and bone structure so much easier...’ I pondered this for a moment.

‘Will that be all, sir?’ Justine sounded tired.

‘Yes, you may go.’

She went out. I raised my hand and looked at it by the light of the candle, flexing my fingers so the tendons stood out like living wires under the skin. The candlelight lit up the green veins on the back of my hand, and I followed their path up above my wrist, pulling back my sleeve to track them up my forearm. There was a quill, half-full inkpot and scrap of paper on the mantel, and I rested my arm on the piano lid and began sketching the network of veins on both sides of my arm.
- I think the last sentences are a bit too compact. You give us three items, then ,and I rested ______ and began ______. Makes me feel like something's tickling my mind as I try to get through the sentences and imagine apropriately. Especially the part between three items and , and I rested.

I was still engrossed in this when Justine returned to inform me that there was a Lord and Lady Deveraux to see me.

‘What?’ I said. ‘At this time of night? I didn’t hear the bell.’

‘Well, they’re here, sir. Shall I show them in?’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Wait—’ I called her back. ‘A lord and a lady?’

‘That’s what they said, sir.’

She left the room, and I cast a hasty glance around. Justine had tidied in here this morning, so it wasn’t in too bad a shape. I put the paper on top of the piano and realised that my fingers were stained with ink. I wiped them on my trousers before I remembered I had a handkerchief up my sleeve. It was too late to do anything more; I heard footsteps in the hall, and then Justine opened the door and announced, ‘Lord and Lady Deveraux, sir.’

I surreptitiously scrubbed my fingers on my sleeve, and rose to greet my guests. Lord Deveraux was a tall man, dark-haired and very well-dressed, with gleaming leather boots and shining silver coat buttons. His wife also looked very fashionable—and very pretty, with lots of curly brown hair pinned up on the back of her head and a few long curls hanging loose around her face. Her skin was milky pale, and she touched the brooch on her damp cloak with nervous gloved fingers. Her eyes darted around the room as her husband bowed and said, ‘I do apologise for the lateness of the hour.’
- I appreciate the good description of the two, but again, where's Justine's description? You make her unimportant.

‘Oh no,’ I said. ‘Not at all, it’s a pleasure. Justine will take your cloaks. Do sit. Can I offer you anything?’

Lady Deveraux sank down onto the couch and pressed her fingers together in her lap. Lord Deveraux sat stiffly next to her. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’

I sat down on the piano stool. ‘It’s a foul night, isn’t it? Did you come by carriage?’

‘Sir, you are Victor Frankenstein, are you not?’

His abruptness startled me. ‘Well, yes, my lord,’ I said, feeling as though I were admitting to a fault. ‘I am.’

He nodded. ‘Good. In that case, I feel we may dispense with the civilities.’

‘Um,’ I said warily.

‘We have heard of your work, Mr Frankenstein, and we wish to engage you on... a project of our own.’

‘What kind of project?’

‘Of life,’ said Lady Deveraux. Her voice was very quiet. I smiled at her, but she did not smile back.

‘We wish you to create life,’ Lord Deveraux said.

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Um...’ I felt a bit uncomfortable. ‘Well, you see, my lord, what I actually do is make... well, I don’t create life, I create people—like servants or creatures or animals and they—well, they are alive, but it’s more like clockwork. Some of the simpler creatures are merely clockwork, but I can make you something much more sophisticated if you have the time. But I don’t really create life.’ I tried again to smile at Lady Deveraux, but she wouldn’t meet my eye. ‘That is more in the realm of the Almighty than in my workshop.’
- I think you could joint the Oh and Um together and just go with the uncomfortable feeling. The way it is right now, it's unnecessarily long and divided.

There was a pause. The rain beat hard against the window, and the wind blew down the chimney, tickling the smouldering log so it shivered up a flock of orange sparks that gleamed bright in the darkness of the fireplace. I fumbled in my breeches pocket. ‘Here... I don’t know if you’ve seen my card, but...’ From amongst the bits of string, the tweezers, and scraps of paper in my pockets, I brought out one of my cards and handed it over. It was cut from textured ivory card, and on it was printed in large letters Monster and Minions (Made to Order) with my name and address underneath.

Lord Deveraux gave it a cursory glance and laid it down on the sofa arm next to him. ‘Mr Frankenstein, I am well aware of your work. That is precisely why I feel you are able to do this for me. For us.’ He glanced at his wife, then looked back at me steadily. ‘I am aware of your excellent record at the University of Ingolstadt, your experimentation there, the... scandal.’

I opened my mouth to say something dismissive, but couldn’t think of anything glib enough, so I closed it.

‘Perhaps if I explain our situation.’ Lord Deveraux leaned back in the sofa and rested his hand on the arm. My card fluttered to the floor but he didn’t turn his head. ‘I have been married to my wife for five years. In that time we have only had one child who lived past their first year. A little girl. She lived, but in increasingly poor health, and the physicians advised us that she would not live to adulthood.’

I nodded, but inside I had a sinking feeling about where this was headed.

‘Her health has deteriorated considerably in these past few months. To put it bluntly, Mr Frankenstein, she is dying, and there is nothing the physicians can do to help her.’

Lady Deveraux made a tiny sound in her throat, quickly suppressed. I looked at her. She was pulling at the fingers of her gloves, creasing the fine white kid.

‘She will die within a very few days,’ Lord Deveraux said relentlessly. ‘When she does, we want you to resurrect her.’
- I can't say that the ending is not good, but I have that teasy feeling I could see this end better. Like have the MC give us one or two thoughts or something. That'd be more intriguing towards the next chapter, at least in my opinion.


In overall I'd like to say this piece is good and thank you for a... good read. I must say it wasn't that pleasant with something tickling my mind as I tried to fight over unnecessary compacted sentences (I hinted at one in the spoiler, there are a few other minor ones that do not really need editting, I just thought I could mention here). It might be your style, but I believe that dividing a bit would be better. Each time a reader ends a sentence, it settles in the mind and he can read another during the pause the dots give. However, when you pack so much into the complex sentence, I just feel uncomfortable and have to reread or reshape them in my mind to swallow it better. It might be just me, but I am honest in what I think. Main nitpick would be Justine, it feels like you avoided her too much. Is she really that unimportant? Putting the ending aside (nitpick in the spoiler) I was more or less interested by the story to read further, which is good. First chapter doesn't really have a scent of originality in terms of putting "ressurection or life creaiton" in the front and the MC being Frankenstein (from which I immediately recalled Frankenstein's zombie), but it still doesn't kill off enough to stop fully. People take about two chapters to judge the story.

Best regards,
~Kyousuke
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
-Formerly Shinda
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:28 am
Dreamwalker says...



Interesting. Very, very interesting.

Now, I like the fact that you're tying in a rather cryptic name such as Frankenstein into this. It gives the story in itself a darker tone which is what, I'm sure, you were aiming for. That and the way in which the narrator speaks of the sour keys and the inked hands makes for an idealistic start to a setting in which also sets a relatively nice mood. In general, as a whole, this is very neatly planned.

there are a few things in which I would like to note upon though, if you don't mind!

First and foremost;

The wind was howling life a wolf outside, and the piano sounded sour.


This is your first line, yes? And it appears that there is a typo right off the bat. I'm sure you mean't 'like' instead of life so the connection between the first half and the second half of the sentence hold true. Of course, because of this mistake, the mind quickly reacts and the rest of the time, a good portion of my time was spent searching for little typos rather than enjoying this as a whole.

That being said, its an honest enough mistake. Just be a little more careful!

Next, I would like to touch up on characterization. Especially this Victor Frankenstein. Now, I like the fact that he lives in a cryptic place and he seems to be quite the eloquent thinker in the beginning, but as we get into the conversation between him and the Lord and Lady, we see a bit of a blandness. He loses that smart edge in not quite knowing how to approach the certain subject, and comes across as being a bit juvenile, or ordinary to say the least. When I think of someone who is capable of creating life (albeit fake), the image usually contains someone of higher intellect in which knows how to answer questions with subtle integrity.

So the characterization is a bit off. I feel that either you should play him off the be... quite of ordinary off the bat, or quick. That way, he's not merely Gary-Sueing when he could be a rather strong protagonist - if that be his place in this story - and maybe even one with humorous qualities. Lets see his mind, first and foremost.

Other than that, I liked this. I found it to be on the quick side as the descriptions were tight and straight-forward. This can be good and bad, depending on how long you wish this book to be and what audience its directed towards. This is first person, after all. We should have a bit clearer of an image into the human mind rather than a distant, more third person-ish narrative.

So keep writing and I'll keep reading. You have me intrigued.

~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  





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Thu Oct 20, 2011 5:29 pm
Chirantha says...



Hey Twit,

Sorry for not reviewing this earlier. I was busy with some school work. Anyway, let me begin the review.

Ahh, Frankenstein. I'm assuming this is the Dr. Frankenstein? Although I don't know much about him, I have heard of him enough to find this story both interesting and readable. Your way into the story and the way you ended the chapter were both written in a way that draws in the readers and that, in my opinion, is what matters the most. And also, the introductory sentence is the key that ignites the interest in the readers. So, before I begin, I have to point out this,

The wind was howling like a wolf outside, and the piano sounded sour.

Descriptions of the weather is a heavily cliched introduction. It does not contribute to the uniqueness of the story, but rather serves as the backdrop to the story. It gains no interest. So, for me, starting the story with the second sentence, about the piano sounding sour would be a much more unique introduction. You can start with that, then carry on to say how the weather is, because we do want the backdrop after all. Just not in the beginning of the story.

Mistakes

‘Yes sir. Should I draw the curtains?’

‘Oh, yes, I suppose.’

The "Oh" breaks the smooth flow.

and she touched the brooch on her damp cloak with nervous gloved fingers.

I'd say, "clutched" is better.

He nodded. ‘Good. In that case, I feel we may dispense with the civilities.’

‘Um,’ I said warily.

"Um" sounds a bit modern and also makes the person seem nervous. I feel that it'd better like "I... As you wish"

worrying the smouldering log so that it shivered up a flock of orange sparks that gleamed bright in the darkness of the fireplace.


Lady Deveraux made a tiny sound in her throat, which she quickly suppressed.


Plot

I like the idea of the plot here. Because it uses Dr. Frankenstein (It's him right?) in his role but in a different scenario. It'll be interesting to see how the plot spans out under him. I have nothing to criticize in the plot, because most of it is unknown for me, but from the little I know, It's unique and has some style in it's core. So, well done.

Descriptions

They were perfect. I mean, I usually don't say perfect, but here I can't spot a single place where it seemed like it lacked or had excess of descriptions. They were used at the exact place and at the exact time to give the maximum effect to the reader and I see no need of any improvement in them.

Character Descriptions

Now, most us know Dr. Frankenstein, but that doesn't mean everyone does. So, it's your responsibility to describe him and say how he looks like in your story. You described Lord and Lady Deveraux well enough, and it was enough for me to picture them. But I cannot get a clear picture as to how Mr. Frankenstein looks like. And as you've not mentioned the age, I have some trouble putting a clear personality into him. The fact that he addressed Lord Deveraux with such formality, gives me the idea that he is young, but his own ideas and his actions, makes me want to believe that he is old. Giving these kinds of contradictory facts can confuse the reader, so I advise you to give us a clear idea on how old he is, and also his other characteristics.

Title

The title is mysterious. Although I cannot seem to connect it to the plot at the moment, I'm sure you have some clear idea on why you used this title. And if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me. :D

Overall, it was a great chapter, perfect descriptions, although keep an eye on the character descriptions. I'd really like to read more.

Good luck :D

- C -
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

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It doesn’t smell old, it just smells like a bad idea.
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