Yes, it does need some work but I think you can handle it well enough. I love the concept and tone though. It's so arrogant and alienating, just because of how you insert words like darling and my dear, just to make it almost conversational. I really wish I could tell you what to improve on, but I can't. Just tighten the screws, Freddy. That's all I can really say.

Nice work.

Nice one. I like the last stanza a lot.

Peace!

hmm very intresting i perticually liked this bit

This is what anger means, darling,
to drown and breathe and drown
and then to swim your own way down;
to lose sight of yourself, sweetheart:
that’s when you’re good and mad.

that bit was cool the last word mad remains me of me so i liked :thumb:

I. Love. This.

That said, fun time! This sounded like one of my favourite poets of all time.. and this has the same feel as much of her work.



More emotion, less poetry darling;
make sense for once. Don’t quote sonnets to me
about despair that you know nothing of.
This is serious. This reads so well! The last line I'm not as sure about as the rest.. just thinking aloud now.. what if you use a differeny word.. like real? The repetition of "serious" is done only twice - seems a bit off. ok, that idea i mention down below.. I was staring at these two stanzas, and I had an idea. i hope you don't mind me playing with this a bit..

More emotion, less poetry darling;
make sense for once. Don’t quote sonnets to me
about despair that you know nothing of.
This is serious

indeed, a grave matter
has come to my attention. I was.. and so on.

eh.. just a thought. a long one, and I could have said it, but.. but a thought. don't hate me!

Serious is the word – indeed, a grave matter
has come to my attention. I was first part of this line I don't like too much, but I love the image. OH! idea.. don't hate me for this!
recently killed and resurrected;
shot down and dug up and
hung like a scarecrow for all the black birds
to gnaw at.
I cant see you anymore, you know, they
Pecked my eyes out. yes! I love this part so much..

This is what anger means, darling,
to drown and breathe and drown
and then to swim your own way down;
to lose sight of yourself, sweetheart:
that’s when you’re good and mad.this stanza is a little confusing.. maybe play with it some? maybe I just read it too fast.. hehe yep, I did. Third line I love.

The end of all things, my dear,
is when your self-control shatters,
and your soul fragments; when you
spiral into galaxies of grievance
and vengeance seems too sweet
not to taste.:D i might have to steal this sometime.. last two lines especailly

Yes, darling, this is when the fury
takes you, whirls you into chaos, breaks you;
this is when you dance with the devil and
the moonlight shines right through you
(because you’re blind, honey
they took your eyes and left you blind) I can't decide if I like the way you have the last two lines formatted.. *shurgs* no real rhyme of reason why, it works and it doesn't. I like it, yet I don't. I think it's me.

So, let me see some more emotion, darling,
less heart. I don’t want poetry, my dear,
I want to see you fall apart.YES! oh my goodness, yes!


The one part, though.. you use "my dear" up in the fourth stanza, but not again until the last. Personally, I like keeping all the repitions of "darling" and nothing else until the end.. packs more punch, so to speak. Lovely work, dearie, as always. And you should write at 1am more often!

So, let me see some more emotion, darling,
less heart. I don’t want poetry, my dear,
I want to see you fall apart.


This made me excited. For you. This poem shows incredible potential. Be proud of yourself.

I enjoyed reading it and yes it does need work. I didnt particurally (can't spell) like the lines:

to drown and breathe and drown
and then to swim your own way down;

It didn't really flow like the rest of the poem.

This is what anger means, darling,
to drown and breathe and drown
and then to swim your own way down;
to lose sight of yourself, sweetheart:
that’s when you’re good and mad.

That was also a little confusing to me, the stanza. Overall good job.

I enjoyed this poem greatly. It was more straightfoward - the casual talk mode that is, as usual, discriminating poetic form. The great way you incorporated this feeling made the poem ten times better. The poem tied into meaning and I enjoyed the way you used pet names such as "darling", though I think you went a bit heavy on them in the third stanza.

I cant see you anymore, you know, they
pecked my eyes out.

This stood out - a bit too common and sort of random. I think you could have said the same thing in a far better way.

So, let me see some more emotion, darling,
less heart. I don’t want poetry, my dear,
I want to see you fall apart.

I loved this ending. Amazing.

YES, BUBBLES! This rocks. I was completely not expecting it, but this poem blew me away.

I liked the use of the pet names, because it seemed to conjure images of someone speaking through slightly gritted teeth, with their frustration about to burst through at any moment. I think the inconsistency of punctuation and capitalization added to that, surprisingly, normally that annoys me. But a lot of times when you're irked and typing something, you tend to make silly mistakes because you're going so quickly that you don't want to think about mechanics, just about getting it down on paper (or screen, whatever).

This is what anger means, darling,
to drown and breathe and drown
and then to swim your own way down;
to lose sight of yourself, sweetheart:
that’s when you’re good and mad.

Oooooh... I think I liked the first four lines of this stanza best. The imagery of anger as drowning seems very powerful to me, because water can be so dark and deadly when looked at a certain way, or when you're left to face great quantities of it alone and have no control over it.

this is when you dance with the devil and
the moonlight shines right through you
(because you’re blind, honey,
they took your eyes and left you blind)

The part in the parentheses was powerful, and I like the way you lead into your fabulous last stanza, but I'll ooh and aah over that in a second...

So, let me see some more emotion, darling,
less heart. I don’t want poetry, my dear,
I want to see you fall apart.

I like how this rhymes in a rather unconvential way. I didn't notice that it rhymed at first, because it was so subtle, but once I realized that it did, I think it made it even cooler. "I want to see you fall apart"... Awesome line.

Thanks kindly for the read, Bubbles. You're quite fantastic, m'dear. Now all I need to read is something about our evil intentions to kidnap Kirk and you'll have a crazed fan who follows you everywhere.

I really rate your ability to make 'darling' and 'sweetheart' work in a poem! lol...seriously, this is fantastic.
My only problem would be that you missed the ' out of 'can't' on line...11. But we all do typos
See? I like this so much that I'm commenting on your punctuation...