Young Writers Society

Lily,

Part of me wishes you could see me right now. Part of me doesn't.

This isn't the first time I've cried; I cried when my dog died, I cried when I realised what my father had done but this, Lily, this is the first time I've sobbed. I can't control the fast, salty tears that stream down my face; I'm crying like a child.

My heart is telling me not to do this, to put down my pen and to hurl this piece of paper into the bin and let it rot there.
But I can't. I don't want to hurt you Lily, I love you too much for that.

I'm scared now, Lil. I'm scared that I'll mess up, that by the end of this letter I won't have said what I should. Said what I feel.

"Promise me something Will, promise me you'll never make me cry? Promise me, you'll never leave. Do you promise Will?"
I meant it when I swore I'd never hurt you. And I'm sorry if I break that promise in this letter. I'm sorry for a lot of things.
I'm sorry I have to write this.

When people talk about love they talk about finding a soul mate. They talk about fireworks and sparks, tingling and anticipation. To me, love came at a price I couldn't pay. I had never felt that connection, I had never really felt anything at all; I was numb. I had given up on love, given up on finding someone that would make my heart race, someone that would understand. I was a wreck.

I attempted sucide. Twice.

Then you came along. You walked right up to me on that bitter, Friday morning and you smiled. You smiled right into my heart, and I felt it. The spark- the tingle. I felt love, I felt everything I'd heard about it and I didn't even know you. How did that happen Lil? I'm not sure.

Then you looked at me and said, "My friend couldn't meet up with me for coffee, do you want to grab something to eat?" I nodded and followed you into the small country café where we sat down and chatted like old friends. That was fate bringing us together. That was fate telling me not to give up. Telling me that I didn't have to live on my own forever, that I didn't have to worry about what I'd do later on in the cold, winter nights that lay ahead.

I became a new person, I was who I had wanted to be for all those years. You helped me out of a hole I couldn't have got out of myself. I loved it when you held my hand when we walked to the same café every Friday morning. You never let a day pass without telling me you were there; that you cared. I never felt anything other then happy. My heart felt alive again, I could go to work with a smile on my face just because I would get to see you when I got home. I don't know what I would have done with you, Lily. I don't know what I'll do now.

Soon, I realised that you wanted something I hadn't even thought about. You wanted kids, 'a proper family' you said. You said that we had so much love that we had to put it somewhere.

I'd never thought about anything other then you and me. There was only you and me in that picture and I couldn't imagine a different one no matter how hard I tried. I felt as though my love would run out, that it would just stop the minute our little bundle would be born and it would end up feeling as though it's father wasn't capable of loving. I would've hated that.

I tried to tell myself I wanted what you wanted, that I could do it. I could love anything that you loved.
But I couldn't. And please Lily, if you have any feelings left for me then just belive this; It wasn't you.
You were what kept my heart beating. You still are and forever will be.

I got scared. I told myself I wasn't good enough for you. That you were better off without me. And even though I couldn't bear the fact of someone else holding you like I used to, I knew that you needed someone who had so much love, they could have a gaggle of kids. Someone who could make you happier then I could.

I'm better out of your life Lily. I can't give you what you give me. You deserve so much better, I want to give you all you dream of. I want to give you children, I want to hold them in my arms and know that this is what you and I made together. But I can't.
I'm sorry.

Every rose has it's thorn.

If I stay, I'll only be the thorn in your rose. I'll be the darkness in your light. I'll be the rope holding you down, pulling you back. That's, what would hurt me most.
So I'm leaving and I'm taking with me, only memories. Memories of when we met, our first kiss, the first time we said 'I Love you' and memories of the smile that changed everything.
I'm sorry if I hurt you for that is this last thing I wanted to do. I'm sorry Lily. And sorry is what I'll be forever.

Just remember; I will always love you.
Don't cry for me.

Will

This was great. I loved it. There was a few grammar errors but other than that it was fantastic. I loved the form of a letter, I thought that was creative. You gave just enough back story to make it really interesting, and the wording you used was nice. So that being said, keep writing, this story was awesome, I really liked it.

Aww, this is sad. It was great though. And I loved the idea behind it. Hey, not all stories have happy endings. Most of the good stories don't. Romeo and Juliet... The Outsiders (I cried at that one)... The Bucketlist even though it's a movie, and this. Only thing I suggest is putting stuff in Word (or some other equivilent) for spelling mistakes and grammer things. I didn't see any spelling mistakes, but there were a few tiny mistakes. I think at one part you put a comma after a "there's" and it didn't really make sense. But other than that, I think it was good.
Wait, there was a part at the end when you say "I'm sorry if I hurt you for that was not my intention" or something along those lines. All I have to say about that is I would replace the "for" with a comma, because "for" just seems to "for"mal =]
I really liked it!!!
-Leah

Oh, Kagi, I'm not a romantic person, so requesting me to review a romantic short story is not the... Well, I'm not the best fit for reviewing this sort of stuff because my eyes tend to roll at the slightest bit of gushy or mushy. I'll do my best, though.

I really wish I could say that this was one of those rare romantic pieces that wins frosty me over and makes me go Awwwwwwww all across the page. But, it wasn't. There were two main things contributing to why I didn't like it. The first was that while it seemed like the sort of letter a guy might write the girl he's leaving, I didn't believe Will in what he was writing. Well, I did believe him, but I didn't. That makes no sense. Bad Rachael.

What I mean is that the things he describes their relationship as are... expected. The instant connection, his heart beating for her. On one hand, that's good, because that's perhaps what someone who's not verbally gifted might say or write.

Sidetracking into the second thing that bugged me for the moment, since it ties into the first thing. To me, this piece seemed sort of meandering, without direction. At the end of the piece, I want to be able to know Will's intention. Not just his direct intention, to say goodbye, but also all the complicated intentions that he might not be admitting to himself. I'm just throwing out ideas here, but is he subconsciously trying to make her feel guilty even though he says she's not at fault? Is he trying to relieve himself of guilt or pain? What does he want Lily's reaction to be? What does he want to pass between him and Lily after this? You can pack all those questions and answers into the prose. Not directly, of course, but just in the wording.

There was another bit of direction missing for me: your intention for the piece. Why are you writing it, and what do you want the reader to take away from it? Are you showcasing a relationship that failed? Character study? Making the reader go awww?

Your reason for writing it and Will's reason for writing it has a direct bearing on what happens in the actual letter. If you want to do something gritty, in-depth, a character study with all the intricacies of guilt and his potentially darker subconscious intentions, then maybe you want to make it exactly as Will the character would write it. In that case, you'd want to embody Will, and make sure that it is as he would write it and that your influence is out of the picture. You'd have to scale back on some of the writery things, like the punchy dramatic sentences as their own paragraphs (most laypeople have no understanding of the art of paragraphs) and perhaps the fragments. The well-writtenness and art would be in the recreation of a letter that this Will would actually write his Lily.

But maybe that's not what you want to do at all, and that's perfectly fine. If you're after the emotion of it, then you have more freedom. Heading back to my first comment about the phrasing, you might want to seek out more original expressions of love than Will employs.

In the end, though, there are countless combinations and things to do with this letter. The main thing is that you know your direction, and that you know Will's direction, and that the letter--whether grittily realistic or heavy with the artistic license--serves those intentions to the best of your capability.

And... that's it. Let me know if you have any questions, comments, concerns, spare cookies to share, etc.

Rach

This was amazing. A few grammatical errors like, 'then' in place of 'than' should be corrected. Otherwise, it was one of the best write-ups I've read till date. That someone feels this way is itself a beautiful thought. Lovely!

Hello there Kagi, stalker of my thread

Lily,

Part of me wishes you could see me right now. Part of me doesn't.

Kagi, I'd have to say that this is my favourite sentence in your whole piece, because I could instantly relate to it. People who have been in love could relate to it. It was nice, sentimental and real. Nicely done.

This isn't the first time I've cried; I cried when my dog died, I cried when I realised what my father had done but this, Lily, this is the first time I've sobbed. I can't control the fast, salty tears that stream down my face; I'm crying like a child.

The rest of the piece really threw me off. I was expecting intensity, passion, love without measure. The next sentence I get, though, is that it's not the first time he cries and I thought, "Whut?"
No woman wants to picture a man blubbering. Trust me. Personally, I roll my eyes at the thought. I'm not sexist, but I prefer seeing what made him cry, and imagining it in my head. Have you seen the movie Tangled? You know the scene when the King and Queen are about to light the lantern? And the King lets loose one single tear? I've seen that movie at least five times in the past few weeks and I still cry at that scene.

It's heart wrenching, you can actually feel his pain, because you know what it's costing him to do this, and why he's doing it. And, also, he's not blubbering.

That is the kind of scene you want your reader to read and cry over.

And then you end that paragraph saying that he's crying like a child. And I thought, "So?" Really, children can cry for many reasons. Did he scrape his knee, or didn't get the candy he requested? Make it more real, Kagi. What would make a grown man cry? Did he lose his best friend, or total his precious car? Is he losing the love of his life, and he's finally realising it? that is what we want to know!

Then you looked at me and said, "My friend couldn't meet up with me for coffee, do you want to grab something to eat?" I nodded and followed you into the small country café where we sat down and chatted like old friends. That was fate bringing us together.

Wait, they didn't know each other and she asked him for coffee? Would you do that, Kagi? Would you ask a random stranger to have coffee with you, in this day and age? Not me. I'd have had coffee alone, and read a book.

Soon, I realised that you wanted something I hadn't even thought about. You wanted kids, 'a proper family' you said. You said that we had so much love that we had to put it somewhere.

Um, how long did they date before he found this out? I mean, you speak of his general change of character, so it couldn't have happened overnight. Why didn't he know that she wanted a family? How had they not spoken about it before? especially if it was such an intimate relationship, such a serious one?

'm sorry.

Every rose has it's thorn.


If I stay, I'll only be the thorn in your rose

It bothers me that you quoted this because it's the lyrics to another song, and it isn't the one that you chose...

Just remember; I will always love you.
Don't cry for me.

Will

Jerk. Meh. Seriously.

Ok. Now. The movie The Bodyguard was of my generation, and one of my favourites growing up. My father loved Whitney Houston, had all her tapes, and we listened to her around the house, all the time. For the longest time, I will always love you was my all time fave song. So, of course, I was thrilled when I saw this was your theme/song.

But I was disappointed in the end. With your beginning sentence, you had the makings of a heart wrenching story. I get the impression that he's blaming her for not making their relationship work. He was whiny, and wimpy, and I'm glad they're not together anymore.

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

Yes, he tells her that she deserves better, but not that he hopes better for her. It feels like he's sorta trying to win her back, hoping she'll never mind the kids, and be just with him.

What I don't understand at all, is that he expresses such love for her, would do anything for her, and she seemed like a decent person. Why did he suddenly freak out and run? Couldn't they have worked it out? Couldn't he have at least tried?

I will always love you is a kind, beautiful song. We can feel how earnest and sincere she is in wanting him to go on in life. It wasn't the case with Will.

I think that if you really rework the piece, it could turn out beautifully.

Good luck!

Tanya