Young Writers Society

This is part one of Pornography Kiss, my latest work. This is not me speaking on behalf of myself. The narrator is Robert, a man obsessed with exploitation and the abuse of power. There are lines which are sexist and perverted, but these are NOT MY ACTUAL VIEWS. It is for the character who is obviously brainwashed. Ok, enough of my rambling lol. Here it is:

1. My imagination
I want to fuck her like Tony Blair fucked our ears way back when. Her smeared lipsticks, her whispers in my sleep, have set my world alight. I can never give anyone respect. Who am I thinking they don’t know me? Everyone knows who I am. The magazine readers, those whores on the computer screen. They are only expressing themselves for me. And me only.

When someone flashes you, they think of me. Those people who screw for £200 are, in their fragile little skulls, thinking of me. Barack Obama’s wife must lust over me every sleepless night she has. Every Asian, African or any other race wants to be with me. Your ex-wife probably left you to have sex with me. The sluts only appear in those films to imagine themselves screwing me.

I have been tied down by my own bed due to my cramps. My back, wretched and ruin from bending over a computer screen, has been burnt as if someone has just spread an iron on my spinal chord. My eyes are pure and simple fragments of endless white light; 240mph ecstasy trips into oblivion. My hands are cramped from the endless typing, trying to unravel a brand new scene in my mind. Looping over and over again, the slideshow of some lifeless blonde girl, about 19, prevents my sleep.

I hate the quiet in the night time. It forces my to think up my own fantasy, rather than someone giving it to me. Some nights it happens automatically. Other nights don’t happen at all. The images that have been transcribed in my mind haven’t been good enough. I have to keep searching for more mind-blowing images of people who had no more choices.

If these people are rape victims by any chance, this makes me feel even better. They have experienced a horrific event. They are more used to violence than most people I have the pleasure watching. I know when an orgasm is real or fake. I know that the G spot is real, and I know where the clitoris is. Pen on paper, the night never ends.

I hate books about shit that is fake. I hate films with 43 second sex scenes; in my eyes a dire waste of my time. But what do I expect from a film rated 12? Vagina? I have never gotten into 1984 by George Orwell- what in the fuck is he on about? Society is fine, it is dandy. I am allowed to watch what I want. There is no such thing as censorship. If so, why am I watching what I am watching?

I especially hate people who feel they have to “oppose the government for freedom”. Everything is free about the government. Everything is alright in the world today. Poverty disintegrated years ago. So what if women are disregarded? They’re only here to take mankind’s cock.

What is a woman’s role anyway? They certainly aren’t here for show- they must have a preference for their existence. The love of the computer screen has fuelled my mind for too long. I need to get out. I need…to…get…ge-e-t…slip away into dark sleep, hope my childhood sweetheart reveals herself. I wake up to the distinctive smell of rain- another pointless day of school. My friends will understand what I mean.

“What about her tits? Would you go for that?”
“Oh no, I couldn’t really. I’d have to ask for a-“
“But hang on a minute, you’re concerned about her periods aren’t you?”
“No! Of course not! Why would I be? A pearl necklace does not require sex.”
“No, but just imagine it. Face to face, with Sharon James’ cunt. What would you do?” The other boy laughs with embarrassment, obviously denying it.
“I couldn’t possibly reply to that. Robert? How about that?”

My eyes, facing down, focused on drawing whatever I could, turn to theirs. They were probably expecting a reply. I gazed at them, still and ambiguous, yet alert at their endless stream of conversation. They talked for too long. I had to shut them up. For good...for good...forever.
“Er…er…I can’t think. Jordan? Katie? Who screwed who?”
“Man, is there something wrong with you? There must be something up. You only talk when we have changed the topic. Besides, what are you drawing?”

I couldn’t bare to show them my drawing. A young girl, whom I named Caroline, stares straight at me from the empty, dull paper background of nothing. Her breasts standing out, she is visibly naked. The two “friends” stare at me. They think it is obscene. I think it is a work of art.

Hey, just a heads up I got told some stuff once in one of my review because I used one little cuss word in my piece.
Someone told me it was "Young" Writers after all. Which I mean I understood, and was fine with I can easily write without cussing. But I thought I'd just let you know, stuff like this doesn't bother me at all I'm used to it. Been reading stuff by Chuck Palahniuk, William Burroughs, and Ginsberg forever. So I liked this first chapater

Just some nitpicks:

really or fake

I think you meant Really real or fake.

Really that's all I could find. Your punctuation is well throughout your chapter. This didn't come as a shock to me when I started reading, but halfway through I realized I was still on YWS and this wasn't appropriate lol.
Keep writing, and thanks for your review on Presence.

Thanks for the review I thought no one would read it because there is a story on YWS that has the opening line "I want to fuck her like Tony Blair fucked our ears way back when" lol. It's pretty cool that you too read Burroughs. The Naked Lunch was the book that influenced me the most when it comes to this story's existence.

Lol yeah pretty bold first line, and I actually looked over at my copy of Naked Lunch to make sure I spelled Burroughs right :p

What I was trying to convey about that line was that this person seeks pleasure in pain and death. Tony Blair started the whole middle east warfare thing with George Bush 8 years ago. What this means is that this confused, isolated man wants to shaft this poor woman for over 8 years which will gain him nothing. It is a stab at society and the propaganda that still exists as I am writing now. It's more complex than "wow, that guy must really want to have have sex with this girl"- it's a shame most of my friends don't get it. Well, to be honest, they are not really intelligent. "Is this porn?" someone asked me. Stupid.

Hello dear string of numbers and letters, 567ajt. This is the first piece I've decided to review on this site, so be honored.

The title of course was the catching factor, but you certainly followed through with the first sentence. While I found myself appalled by this man's string of thoughts and his views, like a tragic car crash, I couldn't look away. I've never had an issue with reading profanity in pieces nor with reading about risqué subjects, but it was a little difficult to plow through some of those sentences. I wouldn't suggest toning down the graphic content since it is for the sake of characterization--I hope--but just bare in mind that to even the most hardened (heh) reader, a string of f-bombs punctuated with female genitalia can be a road block to appreciating the ideas behind the words. That being said, I was still able to read it without getting burnt out, so I suppose I have to experience to back up my complaint.

The key aspect of the piece that bothered me was the flow of ideas as well as transitions. Sometimes I found myself unable to understand why exactly this man was prattling on about all these sexual scenarios, as in the first part, then sentences later the train of thought curled back on itself and I remembered he had been thinking of a specific woman. While his rant about women wanting him allowed me to get an idea of his character, I got a little lost in the influx. I couldn't quite figure out at first glance what was true and what was fantasy. When you return to his self description of being hunched over a desk at his computer, I felt anchored again and was able to connect to the narrator once more. Another point in which the transition threw me was the dissolve from the first narrator to the boy drawing. I think it's I terracing how you did it, but I think clarity could be improved simply by creating more line breaks and separation between the two settings. The blurring effect is nice, but again it caused my reading to stutter.

Overall, I thought that this was interesting, and I do hope to see more of this story; I wanna know where you're going with it. Props for boldly tackling a subject like this, giving a swift kick to the groin of modern society and a base mentality. I think you just need a little work in connecting your readers to the characters in order to make more of an impact instead of creating tension simply through the use of profanity.

Nice work, and let me know when another chapter comes out if you'd like a follow-up review.

skipperwhipped.

Thank you skipperwhipped for the feedback. I am to post chapter two later on today. Indeed, the transitions can be a bit confusing at times but take note that I am influenced by William Burroughs. If you read The Naked Lunch the transitions are all over the place. It's nice you feel appalled about the man's actions, that was my intention. If it's anything in the world which makes me feel accomplished in my writing, it's making people feel towards the character. Thank you for the feedback. And, don't worry, you won't be expecting the opening line of chapter 2 to be "I want to finger her like the way Sarah Palin carresses John McCain's ass". Sorry lol.

God this reception is way better than the reaction at WritersBeat I can tell you that lol.

Well this is an awesome piece of work. The title made me a bit wary (after all this is YWS and it could just be all sweet), but the first sentence made me love it. SO here is a proper review from me.

I want to fuck her like Tony Blair fucked our ears way back when. Love it!!! Perfect thing to bring the reader in. Her smeared lipsticks, her whispers in my sleep, have set my world alight. I can never give anyone respect. Who am I thinking they don’t know me? Everyone knows who I am. The magazine readers, those whores on the computer screen. They are only expressing themselves for me. And me only.I like this paragraph a lot. It shows the character's conceitedness, and it makes me interested to see more of his warped thoughts. I like the crazyness of it.

When someone flashes you, they think of me. Those people who screw for £200 are, in their fragile little skulls, thinking of me. Barack Obama’s wife must lust over me every sleepless night she has. Every Asian, African or any other race wants to be with me. Your ex-wife probably left you to have sex with me. The sluts only appear in those films to imagine themselves screwing me.

I have been tied down by my (right?) own bed due to my cramps. My back, wretched and ruin from bending over a computer screen, has been burnt as if someone has just spread an iron on my spinal chord. My eyes are pure and simple fragments of endless white light; 240mph ecstasy trips into oblivion. My hands are cramped from the endless typing, trying to unravel a brand new scene in my mind. Looping over and over again, the slideshow of some lifeless blonde girl, about 19, prevents my sleep. He's watching porn, right? Or is he writing it? That confuses me. No, no he's writing it, just read the next paragraph.

I hate the quiet in the night time. It forces my to think up my own fantasy, rather than someone giving it to me. Some nights it happens automatically. Other nights don’t happen at all. The images that have been transcribed in my mind haven’t been good enough. I have to keep searching for more mind-blowing images of people who had no more choices.

If these people are rape victims by any chance, this makes me feel even better. They have experienced a horrific event. They are more used to violence than most people I have the pleasure watching. I know when an orgasm is really I believe you meant real or fake. I know that the G spot is real, and I know where the clitoris is. I certainly do my homework. I am top set science after all. That sentence is a bit awkward. I would fix it.

I hate books about shit that is fake. I hate films with 43 second sex scenes; in my eyes a dire waste of my time. But what do I expect from a film rated 12? Vagina? I have never gotten into 1984 by George Orwell- what in the fuck is he on about? Society is fine, it is dandy. I am allowed to watch what I want. There is no such thing as censorship. If so, why am I watching what I am watching?

I especially hate people who feel they have to “oppose the government for freedom”. Everything is free about the government. Everything is alright in the world today. Poverty disintegrated years ago. So what if women are disregarded? They’re only here to take mankind’s cock.

What is a woman’s role anyway? They certainly aren’t here for show- they must have a preference for their existence. The love of the computer screen has fuelled my mind for too long. I need to get out. I need…to…get…ge-e-t…S(s)lip away into dark sleep, hope my childhood sweetheart reveals herself. I wake up to the distinctive smell of rain- another pointless day of school. My friends will understand what I mean.

“What about her tits? Would you go for that?”
“Oh no, I couldn’t really. I’d have to ask for a-“
“But hang on a minute, you’re concerned about her periods aren’t you?”
“No” Of course not! Why would I be? A pearl necklace does not require sex.” Get rid of the second quotation marks around "No."
“No, but just imagine it. Face to face, with Sharon James’ cunt. What would you do?” The other boy laughs with embarrassment, obviously denying it.
“I couldn’t possibly reply to that. Robert? How about that?”

My eyes, facing down, focused on drawing whatever I could, turn to theirs. They were probably expecting a reply. I gazed at them, still and ambiguous, yet alert at their endless stream of conversation. They talked for too long. I had to shut them up. For good...for good...forever.
“Er…er…I can’t think. Jordan? Katie? Who screwed who?”
“Man, is there something wrong with you? There must be something up. You only talk when we have changed the topic. Besides, what are you drawing?” Nice. I like the ending.

No, I don't get the higher meaning of this story. Sorry to say that, but I'm not that read-into-it type of person. I enjoyed it though and Robert's twisted thoughts made me intrigued. You are a great writer and this is amazing. I can't wait to read more. Thank goodness you uploaded the second chapter. Ciao!

-Nana

Oh wow, didn't imagine to find this here

I think the first observation that I had was that it was very honest (almost brutally) and you don't see that with a lot of writing - especially fiction.

A few things I need to clear up. So our protagonist, is he in high school? And what is his obsession with the computer? I'll probably find this stuff out if I read more, which i will :O.

The main aspect that I liked about this piece was the way the main character was so COMPLICATED! Sorry, that's my weak spot in all literature. At first, I thought man this person's hormones are in overdrive, but then that last part where he thought his piece of work was "art" showed his sensitive personality. I really, really enjoyed how you combined, in my opinion, two extremely contrasting characteristics into one character and actually made it work.

And the only thing that I dislike in this work, is his views. (About women being here for mankind's ****) However, that's to be expected, right?

By the way, are you British? Because I noticed the pounds sign. If you are, it's quite clever that you managed to put in an American reference right after the British money sign.

Don't forget: I have also posted part 2 in the same forum. Like I said before, you won't be expecting the opening line of chapter 2 to be "I want to finger her like the way Sarah Palin carresses John McCain's ass". That's a guarantee.

Hi AJ, I'm here to review this, though, because I don't read this type of stuff very much, I doubt I will be able to help you a lot. If you want me to be honest as a 13 year old girl I didn't get this. I don't think it was geared for me as its audience though so that is O.K. But, even if I didn't get the point of it exactly there was a lot of good in it. My eyes certainly didn't stray from the page as I was reading and I want to know more. My main question is if you can keep it up. I doubt that his mostly vulgar string of thoughts will keep me entertained for a whole novel so I hope you have more up your sleeve.

Another thing that you did well with was your voice and characters. Lots of times on YWS I see where young writers have inconsistencies with the the way their characters act and talk. You certainly don't. You seem to know exactly who your character is and how he would react in any situation. This is great. Especially because you are writing from the first person so it makes it harder to stay consistent in a lot of ways. That is where your writing style and voice come in. Your style is great in this situation. Some authors have a really great style in say romance novels, but they choose to write an action novel and it just doesn't work. You are in the right spot.

As for critiques I agree with skipperwhipped very strongly. You basically have given us a ramble. Human thoughts don't connect always in a way where everyone can see the logical connection, but when you write it is much easier for the reader if you simplify them somewhat. I to had trouble knowing what was fantasy and what wasn't. There also didn't seem to be any substantial information. There has been no start of a storyline and you have only introduced a few characters. I'm not sure sure where you are going with this.

The one thing I didn't like about your characters is the way you introduced them. I'm not talking about your main character, I am talking about the three people you mentioned in one or two paragraphs and then somehow completely left behind. First you mention the woman, but you never say anything about her again unless that is 'Caroline'. Then those are the two dudes talking. Are they his friends? What is their role in the story? I can't tell.

I might read the next chapters later, but for now I have to go. Hope I helped,

Calli

Thank you for the honest post Calligraphy. Obviously this won't appeal to everyone, but I do notice you are write: this guy rambles. And his doesn't shut the hell up. But, then again, that is his character. Sure, he may have friends, but he himself is brainwashed. As for the transitions shtick I have improved that in Chapter 3, where the italics are the fantasies/ramblings.

I am intending to use the two characters again, as well as a new character Dr. Greenway, who will be introduced as his councellor. It is there where I think there is major development. And I also introduce the headteacher of the school in Chapter 3. By the way, that 'Caroline' lady was introduced to simply show his fascination with the idea of sex appeal and fantasy. Whether she gets used or not I still haven't decided, but I have introduced the character he "wants to fuck like Tony Blair fucked our ears way back when" in Chapter 2.

All I can really do now is not be tempted to scrap it. To me, I honestly think it is a shit chapter. It has no storyline, no message, no motive. To me as the writer it is dryingly meaningless. It's like JG Ballard in hell. It has no artistic statement to it whatsoever. I am not proud of what I have done. I hope I improve. If not, then fuck it. There may as well only be 3 chapters. I'm not sure if I can bear to write a 4th one.

*dramatic theme music*
Hi! I'm here to review!
On the subject of being appropriate for the website, I mean, it's rated 18+, so I'm not seeing a problem. I don't know, I sort of have a thing for writing that deals with this sort of subject, digging deeper into topics instead of glossing over them. As everyone else on the face of the planet has stated, it's very intriguing. I'm already interested to know more about Robert and the reasons behind that screwed up little noggin of his. One thing about his voice that I noticed is that he doesn't use contractions. I sort of like that, it adds some originality even if I think it sometimes throws off the flow a little.
"Every Asian, African or any other race wants to be with me.": I think this reads a little awkwardly.
And yeah, I do think this could be polished a bit as a chapter, reorganized and such, but it seems to be more of an introduction than anything, so it's okay.
As a side note, Robert reminds me a little of Nick Twisp. Ever read Youth in Revolt?
Anyway, I shall go skipping along to the next chapters. Thanks for sharing and cool beans work.

Hey! AJ
I'm rooh and I'm going to be your reviewer today...

I like the way you started this story, it's intense, frank and to the point. The way you described Robert's fantasy and his thinking, I could totally see the picture in my mind. I love the way you described the M.C. ; he's selfish, arrogant and a total jerk (well, that's my opinion of him from the chapter I just read), and he doesn't really care about anyone but himself.

Don't take any of this in the wrong way though, I actually liked your novel (well the first chapter anyway) and I loved your writing, it's totally brutal and raw and totally amazing. I like the way you've portrayed Robert; he is so complex, so complicated and definitely there's nothing cliched about him. I especially love that, going out the ordinary and just so totally raw (I can't think any word other than this, sorry!).

I'm especially intrigued by 'Caroline' and by his thoughts that you wrote of Caroline, she's not just a figment of his imagination or his amazing art but an actual girl, I'm hoping... I would really love to see(read) how you unveil her character in the story.

I'm amazed that how you were able explain, portray and describe the emotions of guy so complex, really great work!!!

Keep writing...