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This thread was created on April 8, 2006
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Dreams
Topic ID: 8344
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cathy
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Oct 2005
Posts: 77
Reviews: 31
Country: uk
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:27 am Post subject: Dreams |
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I see in your heart, the dreams that you wanna achieve
Open the doors let me into your blood stream,
And let me flow 'round you baby,
we all need somebody to love them,
So don't shut me out,
Don't cry and shout,
'Cos I'm here for you Baby whenever. |
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There’s nothing to do, There’s nothing to see
There’s no where to go, There’s no where to be
I’m just sitting alone, In this empty room
Writing my poem, I’m over the moon
Last edited by cathy on Sat Apr 08, 2006 11:20 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
Epic Novelist
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Age: 17
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3023
Reviews: 1160
Country: If I told you I would have to kill you
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 10:20 am Post subject: |
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It's annoying seeing that title of IT'S NOT GOOD READ ANYWAY because it doesn't want to be read then.
You can leave little messages before or after the poem, not as the title.
dream's should be only dreams (I think)
round is either 'round or around, not round... that makes me think of a fat baby....
Yeah, Yeah. What the ....??
This... made my eyes burn out... I'm sorry.... What was this? I .... what? (O_O)
This seemed like the chorus to some boy band song, and they stink!
re-write it, expand it, make it better.
Get a title |
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David Guinness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 16 Dec 2005
Posts: 662
Reviews: 114
Country: USA
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| Posted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 3:48 am Post subject: |
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Again, frankly- either make it rhyme perfectly, or don't. The choice is yours. But if you wish to have rhyme, it really must be perfect. I.E. Stream and Achieve do not rhyme. I would also suggest that you take a little more time formatting your posts and do a little research on how to format lyrics or poetry. First lines are generally capitalized, and an end to a statement is suggested by a period(.) I really don't mean to be rude; it's just common courtesy to make sure you've generally formatted your work- that way we all can give you good critiques without added distraction.
Also, I feel the need to point out that "reply" is misspelled in your signature line.
Thanks for listening. |
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| This thread was created on April 8, 2006 |
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