Topic ID: 8343
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cathy
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Oct 2005
Posts: 77
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Country: uk
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 Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:22 am Post subject: The Feelings |
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The feeling's I'm describing, they're messing up my mind,
The words that flutter in my brain just hate to leave, goodbye,
The hole inside my head it is just growing all the time,
And all the while i just am talking...
Listen to me you don't stop talking, shouting, crying, laughing, walking.
Get the attention all the time, it's turing into crime.
Your friends they laugh and jeer at me,
they snigger and point, wont let me free,
they shout and sing and bully me,
Oh i just want to cry,
It really should become a crime...
So...
Set me free and let me out, it is my turn to jeer and shout,
You have to let my monster out,
But I just have one more doubt,
'cos you will not let me out...
So now you know
The feeling that i have described,
they've ruined and emptied my mind,
they can't stop calling out to me...
YOUR DEAD |
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I’m just sitting alone, In this empty room
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
Epic Novelist
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Age: 17
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3023
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Country: If I told you I would have to kill you
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 11:27 am Post subject: |
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"And all the while i just am talking... "
I just am... annoyed me. And you need to capitalize the I.
"Get the attention all the time, it's turing into crime. "
It felt awfully off....
There is a lot more but I can't point them out, because there is a lot more...
I didn' really get it though, maybe it's the fact it's 6:30 in the morning but that beats me...
All of your work so far, needs a bit of improvement, perhaps you should try to write without rhyme?
It always works for me, if rhyme comes it comes, but you can't force it, it's supposed to flow, and nor you or I are very flowy (no offense, of course I sort of downed myself a bit too).
---Elizabeth |
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David Guinness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 16 Dec 2005
Posts: 662
Reviews: 114
Country: USA
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| Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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| I think it has potential. But I must agree with The Black Rose- the rhyme feels a little too forced. Rhyme should feel very natural. For a song suggesting the emotions in this, perhaps it would be better without rhyme. Rhyme is best, in my opinion, for when some type of harmony lies over everything. I think changing some of the syllables will allow the emotions in this song to come through loud and clear. After all, it's intended to represent a direct dialogue- shouldn't it sound like one? |
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