Young Writers Society

This is a fanfiction story/novel basedo on a manga series called "Dolls". I'm not sure if I'll be posting the next chapters here, but since this is my VERY first chapter (and my first time writing a fanfiction story) and it deals with the original character introduction, I'd really appreciate if you could point out my mistakes for me.
Only one thing needed to know - the man in the end of the chapter is the main character of the series. Toutoh Empire is simply a new country, the times/technology/etc are the same as now. You don't need to know the series to read this chapter really

Chapter 1

"Thank you, ma'am". Kana deeply bowed to the landlady. Ohhh, those could be a real pain if not dealt with properly. A drop of sweat formed on Kana's forehead as she continued standing in a bowing pose. The landlady, a dried out, wrinkly woman in her sixties seemed to be enjoying the treatment she received from a young, tall, blond woman. Not an inch of Asian blood, the old woman thought to herself. But foreigners are easier to get more money from, especially young women. Desperately looking for a safe place to stay at, ready to agree to whatever crazy conditions the landlords come up with. Life in the Third Toutoh Empire is a constant fight for survival. Those who have money, have more security. Those who have power, offer even more security. And those who have neither are good disposable tools, the more naiive the better. This was the twisted philosophy of any Toutoh citizen that knew how to stay wealthy. But people that come here are clueless. The bowing blond woman was no exception. Kana knew that the apartment she's just rented was at least twice cheaper than the price the landlady demanded from her. Kana didn't grow up in the countryside, yet life in the capital was a completely different thing. A different world. No friends, no relatives, no acquaintances, On your own. Forget about your pride and slowly carve your way up in this monstrously big world.
However, this time Kana was really grateful, so she didn't clench her teeth when bowing for the hundredth time. She didn't know it was so expensive to rent an apartment in the capital. She did her homework, researched the rent price level. But who trusts newspapers nowadays? A wrinkle appeared between Kana's brows. She completely ignored the line "For the final price please contact the owner". But today she could consider herself lucky. Even though the price turned out to be higher than expected, it was still tolerable.

The landlady finally broke the silence, telling Kana she hopes the girl will enjoy her living here. Kana looked away, smiling. She was not fond of old people, but for some reason this particular grandma felt particularly disgusting, and Kana couldn't wait to go see her apartment already. Yes... she agreed to something she hasn't even seen. It was a gamble, but it was already dark outside, clock in the hall proudly announced that it was already 11pm and the residents should take into account that it's not safe outside, advicing women and kids to stay inside. Kana had nowhere to go and, being really tight on budget, she didn't want to waste money on hotels. The landlady finally gave her the keys - two, one as a spare. Kana forced a smile, feeling disgusted deep inside with the sensation of holding a pair of golden keys in her hand covered with the sweat of the old lady's palm. Just hurry up and let me go to sleep already. The landlady's gotten everything she wanted from the blonde and, not intending to keep her company any longer, excused herself, wishing Kana a good night.

In the elevator Kana let out a heavy sigh. A sigh that took out all the weariness and all the negative emotions she's experienced today. Convinced that the beginning of a new life is always very stressful, Kana grabbed her lugguage and marched out of the elevator and down the hall. Her apartment was supposed to be on the left. 331, huh. Kana looked at the keys. Her own place. The first time she'll be living alone, as an adult. And these were the keys to her new life. Having found the door Kana easily opened the lock. It wasn't elaborate, but the building security was really tight, so she didn't have to worry about that. All pumped up, Kana kicked the door open.

The lights were on. Judging from the number of the doors it had two rooms (probably bedrooms), one living room combined with the hall and a spacious kitchen. The interior looked plain boring, nothing extra, only necessities, two couches, a table, and huge widescreen TV with a dvd player. Walls were simply covered in gray tiles which only added to the lifeless atmosphere of the apartment. Tired, Kana put all her lugguage next to one of the couches that faced the door, and moved in the direction of the bathroom. Did she hear it right? Kana could slightly hear the sound of the shower. Geez, just how disrespectful can people be here? At least, make the freshly rented apartment presentable to the customer! Irritated, Kana went towards the bathroom. Having made only one step, she froze. For a moment there she forgot about her tiredness, desperate desire to shower her worries away and the purpose for coming here. No no no, what she saw wasn't a monster, a ghost or anything supernatural of that sort.

It was simply a man. A man in black sports pants, undone white shirt and a towel on the head, covering his wet hair. He was wearing glasses with thick black frames. If it were not for the situation she was in, Kana would definitely get excited about seeing a handsome man like that. She adored those who wore glasses. Not to mention his black hair and seemingly perfect body. But this kind of thoughts didn't cross Kana's mind. Not once. She stood there with her eyes wide open, as if about to pop out and fall on the floor. The man noticed Kana and also froze. What's with this situation, Kana thought. He doesn't seem to be a burglar, because no burglar is impudent enough to actually shower at his victims' homes. But this realization only made the whole situation creepier. The man continued staring at her, not moving a muscle, his hand still on his head, holding the towel. Kana looked him in the eyes and felt for a second she was being sucked in. The power they emitted was overwhelming. Eyes of superiority. Kana couldn't move a inch, she was scared..
"W... who are you?", Kana could barely speak.
"Should be asking you the same. Barging into people's homes like that," his voice was deep.
Barging? What is he talking about? Is he completely nuts? Just who's the one that's barging??
"It's my apartment, oi. I've just paid three months worth of rent for it, and you're telling me I'm the one who's in the wrong here??" Kana slowly got used to this man's presence and her tempter started showing up.

The whole thing was even worse than she suspected.

Generally, there were some interesting aspects to your style of writing and the character you give.

But, as this is an unfortunate but, I'm not all the sure about the characters and such in this plot line as I have never seen this said anime. That being said, if there are key aspects of which I should know, I suppose this would be the time to ask.

I can, though, give an accurate opinion of writing style and diction if you should like to hear it. I believe that, though your punctuation is on the... rocky side, you have a very interesting voice and a quick way of really jumping into a plot line without the necessary character development it would generally take for most people to get thus far.

What I want to say is that you should make the character more interesting and the personality more... well, its own. Again, though, I'm unsure if this personality is a concrete one, or simply one of which you decided to create. If Kana is unchangeable, than my words really wouldn't count here, but if she is easily molded or able to be changed, I would give her a few flaws or quirks to her character that aren't so... generic.

That being said, keep writing! I'm sorry this review wasn't all that extensive. Unfortunately, the usually topics I divulge on usually have to do with character development and how a character fits into certain plot lines. Its hard for me to get an accurate opinion on this one.

~Walker

Hey, Kanade. I'm here to review as requested!

I'm not exactly what you'd call amazing at reviewing fanfiction, especially if it's based on something I hardly know anything about. Considering this is the first chapter though, I will hopefully be able to help you out at least a little bit. Once my review is done, if you have any questions about it, let me know through PM, by posting on my wall, by replying to this thread or whatever.

Despite not knowing much about what this story's based on, I think you've done a pretty good job here. I'm very interested in why the random guy is in Kana's apartment, and what the whole deal is with it also being his apartment. It's definitely very intriguing. I like that you left us on a cliff hanger because cliff hangers are key when it comes to the end of chapters in a novel, especially the first chapter. Your characters aren't madly developed or anything, but from what I can tell of them so far, they seem interesting. You could expand them a bit, but Dreamwalker's already mentioned that so I won't repeat it all.

The first thing that actually bothered me about this was the spacing and such of the piece. Sometimes I think you needed to start a new paragraph, but you didn't, for example. I also think you could have added some gaps in-between some of the dialogue to make it a bit easier to read too. Paragraphing can sometimes be a hard thing to get right, but when you get the hang of it, it's a pretty easy thing to figure out. Just try to remember that when you start speaking about a different subject, start a new paragraph. If that doesn't seem to help you, it sometimes works just to look at your writing to notice where you've got a big wall of text. Split that wall in half, and see if the flow is any better. If not, try splitting it somewhere else, e.t.c. Just experiment a bit really.

My other critique is that I think you could have steadied the pace a little bit. It's only the first chapter, yet something that seems to be something pretty major has happened already. I'd rather have an introduction to the MC before we head straight into the action. Let us get to know her a little bit before everything kicks off, you know? You can still have the scene where she finds the man in her apartment at the end, but I think you should space things out a bit more, even if it means making the chapter itself longer. Why did Kana want to buy the apartment exactly? You don't really tell us. Does she have to buy it for some reason? You may have said this in the first paragraph, but that paragraph was awfully long, so I can't really remember exactly what you said in it. That's where shortening some of your paragraphs would be helpful.

I don't really have much else to say. Sorry I've been a little useless. Fanfiction really isn't my thing, even if it's pretty universal and easy enough to understand. I think you've got the foundations of a great story here, and the whole situation your characters are in seems very intriguing. Overall, I think this was a pretty good piece of writing. With some tweaking, it could be even better! Sorry again for not being an awful lot of help...

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins