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This thread was created on April 5, 2006
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Topic ID: 8296
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Elizabeth
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Doctor Kitty
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 Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not much of a poet, but I will say that the imagery was perfect. Some of it I didn't exactly understand, but a lot of it was brought out crystal clear.
Well done. |
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Wiggy
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
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| Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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Excellent poem as always Liz. I only have a few corrections.
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| humor so phony, I can’t help but laugh |
Add a comma after laugh.
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| your mask, and was touched by your gloves, |
Awkward line. I would take out 'was' or something like that.
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| and for this; I can no longer dance with grace. |
Comma after this, not a semicolon.
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And though the clouds are gone, there are shadows
In my eyes as I look at you, sneaking behind the table |
The transition between these two lines seemed jerky. I don't know why, it just was. In fact, this whole stanza seemed jerky. I would work on the transitions to make it flow as well as the rest of your poem.
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| I used to cry behind my feathered eyes for you |
Add a period.
And as you said yourself, I would do a stronger ending.
Overall, great job. There were just those few grammar things that I pointed out and I hope that this poem goes somewhere. I really like it! Awesome job! |
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| This thread was created on April 5, 2006 |
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Bartemius says, All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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