Young Writers Society

Well, here's my entry. Revised after some reviews. (V2.0, 991 words)
You can see the old version in the spoiler below.
Comments/suggestions welcome!

Whiteness, bright and blinding as far as the eye could see, encompassing me in all directions. No matter where I looked, no matter how I tried, I could not discern but a speck of color against this wall of white. I was sure that this was their world, the icy realms where they dwelled. If only I could move, then I would fight, but the cold must have frozen my limbs, giving me hypothermia as I did not feel the cold at all. All I could do was wait.
How I ended up here you ask? Well, I’ll have to disappoint you by saying that I have no idea. It just started yesterday, unless I’ve been out for more than a day that is. I just had entered my office. As I am the director of a multinational, the largest factory factory in business, producing over 65% of all factories worldwide. Surely not a poor job at all, I even was one of the richest people on the planet and also not ashamed of living like one. Heck I even had a swimming pool in my swimming pool, who can say that right?
Unfortunately, my life didn’t stay as good. So, like I said I was entering my office, after having a hot bath and a three course breakfast. You can’t run a multinational on an empty stomach now can you? I sat down in my seat and started on the mountain of paperwork that had to be done today. However, and here comes the weird part, just as I was bending down over the first form I heard a slow clapping sound in the back of the room. I looked up, but saw nothing, so I continued my work. “Clap-calp-clap” there it was again, closer, louder! I looked up again, seeing my office, empty. I got up and walked around it, looking for the source of the noise. Finding nothing I looked outside the window, maybe the window washer was making the noise? But no, there it was again; “Claperdy-clap-clap” I immediately turned around, freezing to the floor, I did not believe my eyes. Standing on my desk, looking back at me, was a penguin!
Yes, that’s right, a penguin. Black body, white belly and a yellow beak, it was about a foot tall and staring at me in this creepy way. I carefully approached my desk, trying not to frighten or provoke the bird, slowly picking up the horn. “Clarice, I got a problem” I told my secretary.
“What is it sir?” She replied.
“Well..” I reluctantly replied while looking at the bird. “There seems to be a penguin on my desk.”
I heard a silence only to be interrupted by the clapping of the penguins feet, he was dancing! “Uhm..” was all I could say while staring at the beast. “Uum.. He’s ..uum.. dancing, dancing on my desk.” I couldn’t believe what was happening. “Could you please come here?” I added and hung up.
It didn’t take long before Clarice entered the room. “Sir, you asked me to come?” She asked.
I was about to point to the penguin and ask her to remove it from my desk, when I noticed that Clarice had in fact an identical penguin on her head, dancing like the one on my desk!
“Clarice! Your head!” I yelled, while franticly pointing at it.
“My head sir? Oh my new hairdo, do you like it?” she asked while pulling her hand through her hair, probably not sure whether to see my behavior as a compliment or not.
“No! The penguin!” I exclaimed while getting up and running at her. Surely I had to slam it off before she noticed it and panicked. Well easier said than done, as I ran at her I extended my arm. Planning to swoop it off catch it under my arm in one move. Things went a tad differently tough. Instead of the penguin, I somehow swooped her too. Maybe he had a strong grip? Anyway, before I knew it we both were lying on the ground, she was screaming and on closer inspection bleeding! That penguin must have scratched her as we fell, although I didn’t see him anywhere. Little bugger must have fled, just like the one on my desk, but I’d catch them, it was personal now!
“Don’t worry Clarice, I’ll catch them.” I cried as I ran out of the office.
Just outside the office I saw one in the closing elevator, just missing it as the doors closed right in front of my nose. Cursing and swearing I ran down the stairs, fifteen floors until I ended up on ground level. I don’t know if it was the exhaustion of running fifteen floors down or the shock from what I saw, but I fell over, head-on against the floor seeing it all go black.
When I woke up, I found myself on a couch in the lounge, happy that it all had to be a mean dream I glanced around the room, which to my great surprise was filled with penguins.
“NOOOOOOoooo..!” I cried, while jumping up and beating myself a way through the giant mass of tapping penguins, trying to fight my way out. Penguins I could handle, just like the people around them. It was the two white giants that took me down. All went black again, and well then I woke up here.

At that moment a man appeared from behind what I supposed was a white hill. “So Mister Smith, are we still seeing penguins?”
I ignored the man, knowing that he worked for them. “Clap-claperdy-clap” I started to sing.
“Oh don’t you worry Mister Smith, here at Fairview.”
Fairview? I thought, that nuthouse from across town has the same name, they must be working for the penguins too. But I kept my thoughts to myself. Ah, I was starting to feel sleepy, it should all be over soon.

Theme: Director in an insane asylum attacking penguins. . .

Version 1.0

Okay, I'm here to review.

I actually found this very entertaining, but of course, there are a few little tiny things that I'd like to point out. Though the majority was great, I was very confused in the parts where you used dialogue. Normally, dialogue is split into a new paragraph, each time another character begins to speak. It makes it easier to read and clarifies which character was speaking. It seems you didn't do that here, which slightly took away from the enjoyment of the piece.

Other than that though, it was great! It was very funny, and in a way, reminded me of that new movie, Mr. Poppers Penguins, or something like that. I haven't actually seen it yet, but judging by the commercial, the two are a bit similar. In a way, also like that Alvin and The Chipmunks movie that came out a few years ago.

Anyway, enough with my random rambling. Good luck in the contest!:)

Hi I'm SweetMoments and I'll be your reviewer today!
Wow! I thought that was amazing! Especially from the random select theme you got given!
I was just a little confused at the very start but apart from that it was great!
I like that he is crazy rather than just doing something odd.
Not a very good review but...meh! Good Work!

Hey boss!

I use the six traits system to review, which just basically means I list the six traits and what I thought of your writing for each, and then I also give a score of 1-6 for each. (1 being lowest, six being highest) Okay, a few minor corrections first.

as I did not feel cold the cold at all.

Reread please.

Well I have to disappoint you by saying that I have no idea.

needs a comma after "well."

Heck I even had a swimming pool in my swimming pool, who can say that right?

NOOO idea what this is supposed to say. Please reread; I am sure that is not what you meant. (It isn't, right?)

As I am the director of a multinational, the largest factory factory in business, producing over 65% of all factories worldwide.

VERY awkward sentence with several errors. Please correct.

As, Like I said

Arrgh... Okay, now for the good part.

Ideas: Very good. Held my attention, was clear and focused, and entertaining. 5.5

Organization: Fairly good beginning; nice twist ending! Good structure, but you need more spacing to make it easier to read. 5

Voice: Very interesting and unique. Lively and expressive; enhanced the story well.6

Word Choice: Excellent. Colourful verbs and unique phrasing, good dialogue, phrases that made me want to read them more than once. Bravo!!! 6

Sentence Fluency: Could have used a bit more variety in sentence lengths, and even style just a bit. Easy to read, fragments were used effectively to add emphasis or detail. 5

Conventions: A few minor errors here and there, especially regarding punctuation. However, nothing major, certainly still readable. 5.5

Very good; highly entertaining

TS

Ok, thanks for all the feedback!

@FloralTiara
I spaced up the conversations a bit, is this how it should be?
And yea, I actually discovered the existence of the movie the other day xD First thing I thought was, "Damn that's so much like my story." But luckily its quite different from what I saw in the trailer.

@SweetMoments
Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad that you liked it

@tigershark17
Thanks for the nitpicks, I corrected most of them.

Heck I even had a swimming pool in my swimming pool, who can say that right?
As I am the director of a multinational, the largest factory factory in business, producing over 65% of all factories worldwide.

Those two were meant like that tough, it was my aim at some humour xD
The guy makes factories and has a pool inside his swimming pool. (Something I imagined only insanely rich people would do. )

I've revised my entry and the old one can be found in the spoiler at the bottom.
Thanks again all!

Heya!

This is a pretty short piece, so I can't guarantee that this review will be piles of help. I'm not too amazing at reviewing short stuff, you see, but nonetheless, I'll see what I can come up with. If you have any questions or anything about this review when you're done, just let me know through PM, post on my wall or whatever.

I think that this is a really neat piece of writing, overall. I like the whole idea of it with the insane guy being obsessed with penguins and such; it was definitely entertaining. I really like your opening paragraph too. I liked the descriptions you used and the fact that it had a mystery to it. As well as the MC, we didn't know he was or what he was doing there. I like the fact that you hint at the penguins by mentioning the icy realms because it gives us an idea about them, but not enough for us to know about the penguins themselves. So yeah, very good.

In a way, my critique has something to do with the first paragraph. You know I like it, right? Well, except for that paragraph, there aren't really any other areas of the story that are like that. I love the descriptions in the first paragraph, but you don't really have any other descriptions like that in the rest of the story. This is for The Big Random Story Contest, right? I can see why you haven't got a great deal of descriptions in here because there is a 1000 word limit, so you need to make sure that you put all of the vital information into the story. This is a bit of an awkward critique really. What I'd suggest for you to do is to maybe see if you can get rid of any parts of this that you think wouldn't effect the story, then replace them with something to make the piece a little prettier or something that will add some good effects to the story.

For example, take the scene where the MC first hears the clapping sounds. I think that if you add in some short sentences there, it would be very effective because it would build up the tension and suspense. Make us readers wonder what on earth is going on. A good way of doing that is building up suspense and tension. This would actually be good for the scene at the end as well. When the MC wakes up and finds that he's in a room stacked with penguins, use short sentences to show us his revelation. Once again, it would build the tension and make us be like O.o when we realise the room's being swarmed by (imaginary) penguins.

Negatives aside, I really did enjoy this!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hi, boss :D I'm here as requested *tips hat*


I think, at the moment, this reads in a kinda stilted manner. You start off introducing us to the scene, which is good, but I don't really like it when we're straight-out told about the director, about his multinational company, about the swimming pool in his swimming pool. It's a lot of information, and while yes it's giving some back-story to the setting, it doesn't actually move the story along at all. Instead it slows it down, giving us facts to process. It's also unlikely, I believe, that anyone company would ever end up producing so many of the worlds factories given how many companies there are that are involved in that -- monopoly laws are generally designed to prevent people from gaining such a large percentage of the market. But, it's also a fact that I just don't think you really need. You could use the words to add in a little more description, and give the scenes a little more visual flesh :)

I like that you set it up in the beginning, leading us to think that he's in the arctic, when he is infact in an asylum, but it feels like there isn't a great deal of transition between the first two scenes, what about him being the cold, thinking he's dying of hypothermia leads him to think back on how he ended up in that situation? Perhaps you could try and play it off as him thinking that it's a sort of a 'life flashing before your eyes' moment?

I'm sorry that I don't have more to say, I'm not really too good when it things that are set in a more comedic light, so, apologies! I quite like how you bring in the penguins though, and that it just keeps building up, and that the director hasn't yet quite clicked what is going on.

I hope that I've at least been of some use to you! If you have any questions or anything you'd like me to elaborate on, feel free to shoot me a PM :D and good luck in the competition!


-- Tinny

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review. The meat of the review will consist of grammatical errors and then I'll give you an overall view of what I think of your piece. Here we go:

“Well..” I reluctantly replied while looking at the bird.

There should be an extra period after well.

Anyway, before I knew it we both were lying on the ground, she was screaming and on closer inspection bleeding!

The comma after ground should be a semi-colon (;) because you are combining two complete sentences.

Little bugger must have fled, just like the one on my desk, but I’d catch them, it was personal now!

The comma after them should be a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences together.

“NOOOOOOoooo..!”

There's no reason for the two periods to be there.

I ignored the man, knowing that he worked for them. “Clap-claperdy-clap” I started to sing.

“Oh don’t you worry Mister Smith, here at Fairview.”

I thought, that nuthouse from across town has the same name, they must be working for the penguins too. But I kept my thoughts to myself.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. A conjunction in a word combined with a comma that connects two complete sentences together. Conjunctions include: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. In this case just replace the period after too with a comma and lower case the b in but. Also, there shouldn't be a comma after thought and the comma after name should be a semi-colon.

Overall this was amusing, but the beginning was a little too info-dumpy for me. Also, there was never a reason he saw the penguins, so it leaves the reader a little confused. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hey,

I really liked how you handled your random topic. Your first paragraph was based on a more serious poetic feel, then you foiled it with the rest of your story using silly penguins. While some people could view these dancing creatures as cliche I thought you carried the tone quite nicely. It all works because of that final snippet that reveals more inside information on the MC. Is he in an insane asylum? I love it how you catch the reader off guard with this mental question at the end. It made me forget about the level of strangeness found in how many penguins included in the piece.

Hiadel,
HayesTheHayes