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Your Lips On Mine
Your Lips On Mine

by emma.b in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on April 1, 2006
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Peanut Butter and My Brothers

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Black Ghost   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 9:32 pm    Post subject: Peanut Butter and My Brothers Reply with quote

"Wake Up! It's time for school, Mark!!" shouted Steve, my younger brother. I angrily turned to one side of my bed and tried to ignore him.

"Mark, your gonna make me late for school!" he shouted even louder. I turned and looked at the alarm clock next to my bed. I wanted to scream.

"Steve, It's 6:00 a.m and your school starts at 8:05! What the heck do you want from me?" I yelled.

"Well, Mom said to get up, Mark, so you get up right now," he replied with sticking his tongue out. Steve's bed was right next to mine, which meant that when he wakes up, I wake up. And believe me, he wake up early. So early I feel like strangling him sometimes. Can't he realize that normal people need at least 10 hours of sleep?

"I bet you're making that up, Steve," I said, "Mom's probably still sleeping in her bed like I should be!"

"No, she's not!" he cried, "She want you out of bed now".

You know what the worst part of this is? I go through the same thing every morning. A few seconds later I hear the yell.

"Mark, get out of bed!" It was my Mom, shouting from the other room. I closed my eyes and gave a big groan. Then I looked up at Steve, who had a big grin on his face.

"See, I told you!" he laughed.

"Well, at least get out so I can put my clothes on!" I cried, seeing him all dressed up and hovering over me.

"Fine!" he yelled, and stormed out of the room.

Exhausted, I sat up in my bed, rubbing my eyes. But before I knew it my eyes were closed again, while I was still sitting up.

"Mark!" screamed my mom. I nearly jumped out of my bed after that. Yawning loudly I slowly got off my bed and walked over to my closet. Leaning against the wall, I looked through my clothes, wondering what I should wear for school today.

I moved aside a few sweaters and t-shirts, finally deciding upon my green hooded jacket. Then I walked over to my drawer and pulled out a pair of jeans. Checking the size to make sure it wasn't Steve's I lazily pulled it on. Then I stuffed my wallet and cell phone in my pockets, and walked across the hall to my mom's room while pulling on my jacket.

"I'm up, Mom," I said, entering the room. My mom was blowing drying her hair in front of the mirror, so she didn't hear me.

"MOM!" I yelled. She spotted me and put down the hair dryer.

"Good, you're up, Mark. I need you to put Michael's clothes on." she said. Michael was my little 8 year old brother, and a little too strong-willed for his own good.

I walked into his room and saw him pulling on some underwear.

"Michael, come on, let's get you some clothes." I told him.

"Mark, I can pick out my own clothes," he replied hotly. Now, don't get me wrong, we're a very loving family and everything, it's just that in the morning, everyone is a little testy.

Wait, scratch that, everyone is at each other's throats.

"Fine then," I said, "Put your own clothes on." With that I walked out of his room and went to get some socks.

"Mark, wait!" Michael yelled.

I spun around and shot him an angry look.

"What do you want, Michael? You said you can put on your own clothes." I said.

"I can put on my own clothes. I just need you to open the closet for me." he replied.

I gave a sigh and went over and opened the closet.

"There, happy now?" I asked him.

"Yes, you can leave now, " he said matter-of-factly.

A few minutes later after getting my socks and shoes on, I went down stairs to get some breakfast. Looking through the closet, I spotted some peanut butter. Taking it out, I noticed that there was only a little bit left. Quickly, I took some out and slathered it on some white bread.

But it was too late, my brother's had already come downstairs too. Seeing the empty peanut butter canister,an enraged look came over them both.

"Hey, I want some peanut butter!!" they yelled in unison.

I quickly withdrew the sandwhich from the table.

"Hey, I got the last of it, so too bad!" I told them. I crossed my fingers. But unfortunately I was unlucky today.

Michael ran over to the foot of the stair way and shouted, "Mom!" at the top of his lungs.

"Mark got the last of the peanut butter and now we can't have any!" he continued.

"Well, tell him to throw away the sandwhich then!" she yelled back.

"What!" I yelled, "I got it first!"

"Well, you heard mom," said Steve, "You throw it away right now." I was now really mad. All I wanted to do was eat a peanut butter sandwhich and my brothers can't even let me do that one thing. That was the last straw.

I stuffed the entire thing in my mouth.

"MOM!" They yelled, after seeing me eat it. I had a huge smile on my face though, since I had gotten them so angry. Well, at least I had smile on face until I started to choke.

The peanut butter got stuck and then I couldn't breath.

I grabbed at my throught and began to gag. Fear spread over me as I fought to take a breath that wouldn't go through.

Despite all the fighting we had done, A terrified expression came over Michael's and Steve's face.

"Mark, are you choking?" they said, in shock. I tried to respond, but no air was passing through my throat at the moment. I sank to my knees and struggled to swallow the peanut butter glued to the back of my throat.

Quick as a flash, Michael ran to the fridge and got some water, while Steve began hitting on my back to try to dislodge the peanut butter.

Michael then handed me the water and I tried to drink it. After a few failed gulps, the peanut butter started to come loose. Steve continued hitting on my back and then I swallowed with all my might.

The sandwhich came loose and went down.

"Are you okay?" said Michael, kneeling beside me.

"Yeah, do you need more water?" asked Steve.

"No, I'm fine." I said, coughing.

Then I turned to both of them and gave a smile.

"Thanks, guys. That's the last time I stuff a sandwhich down my throat," I said.

"Yeah, don't do that again, you scared us," said Michael.

"We'll never fight about sandwhiches again, Mark." added Steve.

As I heard the footsteps of my Mom coming down to drive us to school, I embraced my brothers in a group hug.

"I love you guys."


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Last edited by Black Ghost on Tue Apr 04, 2006 11:00 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this, it shows sibling affection as well as the conflicts of a youngish family. I couldn't see any typos either.
The only things i noticed was that you passed the fact that he was choking far to quickly, add more detail and it will make it seem more realistic also, Micheals behavior seems to vary from someone aged about 6 to someone about 9 or 10, other than that its really good. Is there going to be any more?

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know, I wrote just as a short story and I really don't see myself writing anymore of it.

But who knows? I might pick it up at another time.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do I have to do to get reviews? Beg?

please can anyone give me feed back on this!!

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 6:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Personally I didn’t like it, sorry to be so blunt but didn’t, I think it was all the bland language you used, no offence. IT could be workable and really great with the theme but I just don’t have a taste for it. Keep writing though.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 7:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Begging helps! Or embarrassing Snoinky into seeing it again. Wink

Anyway, the story is "AWWWWWWWWWWWW"-ish. If you know what I mean. Nice short little thingy.

Quote:
"Mark, your gonna make me late for school!"


Should be "you're."

Quote:
And believe me, he wake up early. So early I feel like strangling him sometimes.


It should be "he wakes." And the word "sometimes" doesn't do anything to the story, so I would suggest deleting it.

Quote:
"She want you out of bed now".


Even if the kid can't speak, I would still prefer, "She wants..." So it would look like this:

"She wants you out of bed now."

Please notice the period inside the quotes.

Quote:
I nearly jumped out of my bed after that.


Like the word "sometimes", the word "nearly" doesn't do anything for this sentence. Did he jump out of bed or didn't he? Take out nearly or change the verb to something more specific.

Quote:
Yawning loudly I slowly got off my bed and walked over to my closet. Leaning against the wall, I looked through my clothes, wondering what I should wear for school today.


Both sentences start with verb-ing, which is annoying. Vary your sentence structure a little bit.

Quote:
Checking the size to make sure it wasn't Steve's I lazily pulled it on.


There should be a comma between "Steve's" and "I."

Quote:
Michael was my little 8 year old brother, and a little too strong-willed for his own good.


First of all, write out "eight." Yep... in fiction, you write out the number.

And really... eight years old and he's just learning to dress? Come on...

Quote:
Looking through the closet, I spotted some peanut butter. Taking it out, I noticed that there was only a little bit left. Quickly, I took some out and slathered it on some white bread.


Once again, vary your sentence structure.

Quote:
Fear spread over me as I fought to take a breath that wouldn't go through.


Show, don't tell. I would rather hear about what is happening to him than about how fear spreads over him. Think about what happens when you choke and then write about it. Then look at this passage again and rewrite accordingly.

Quote:
"We'll never fight about sandwhiches again, Mark." added Steve.


It's "sandwiches." Remeber: spellcheck is your friend.

So it should be:

"We'll never fight about sandwiches again, Mark," added Steve.

Notice the comma seperating "Mark" and "added."

So... fairly enjoyable read. Next time, if you want this critiqued, send out reminders. One time is usually not enough for me to remember. I'm only human, and I get a lot of requests.

As always, if you have any questions, just ask.

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