I've never posted an essay online, probably because they are school stuff, but I just thought I might try it this time. Tell me what you think.
This essay was an assignment that we did after reading "How to Escape from a Bad Date"
How to Escape from a Bad Party
In the new society of today, teenagers and young adults- especially single ones- find it second nature to have a strong desire to party. Such people, which is to say just about everyone, must therefore know how to deal with various types of parties. As for great parties and fun events, we are born with a sense of how to deal with anything that doesn’t raise a problem for us. When faced with difficulty, however, we may become confused or frightened, and begin to panic. It is important to know the signs that designate a bad event and know, as well, how to escape from one. Possible routes include pleading insanity, remembering an important appointment, or distracting and departing.
When at a party, there are several telltale signs of whether it is going to be good or not. Men will more than likely notice the quality (and presence) of party snacks. This is the first giveaway as to whether a party will be good or not. Dorito’s First Theorem of Party Quality states: “The level of stimulation acquired during the interval of a social gathering is directly proportional to the level of stimulation acquired during the ingestion period of revelry.” The second sign that a party is bad deals with the games or activities at the party. Twister’s Rule of Partygoing Excellence states: “The value of gaming at a party directly affects the value of the party itself.” A similar indication of whether a party is worth staying at is whether or not the host has the party planned before the guests arrive. A host that asks his guests, “So, what should we do?” is essentially saying, “This party isn’t going to be good unless you guys come up with something really good.” While at any party, be sure to watch out for bad refreshments, bad games, and efforts of the host beforehand, and you will be able to identify whether the party will require an escape.
If these signs indicate a problem, one foolnotproof plan of escape is to plea insanity. Your punishment will be less severe if you can prove your mental instability. To do this, think of a monkey, bird, or other odd animal that you can imitate, and pretend that you think that you are this animal. Looking around as if you are trapped, run for the door and either knock it over or begin scratching at it urgently until someone lets you out. Run immediately out of the door (if you can fit through the doggie door, even better!) and don’t look back. When you are safely out of sight, call up a friend, parent, or someone else that can pick you up. Be sure not to drive yourself home; there is no animal that can drive itself home, and therefore you could not have inhumanly done such a feat. If you see any of the other guests from the party, immediately deny having been there. If they persist, explain that you had previously been injected with a vaccine for a terrible disease, for instance, thinkinquick syndrome. Tell them that side effects included going insane temporarily and then forgetting about the last twenty-four hours. If this doesn’t convince them, simply walk away abruptly and pretend that you’ve forgotten who they are.
If you feel that insanity is simply not your style, you may decide to remember an important appointment that will make it necessary to leave the party right away. Even though the time may be obscure, but there is an appointment for every time of the night. Be creative! The more common or obscure the appointment, the less people will ask. (Do not pick an appointment that is on the edge of being obscure, such as an important toast-buttering appointment- either be common or extravagant, but never in between). Dates and large homework assignments are especially helpful in these circumstances, because you can easily rush out without being questioned for your motives. It may be necessary to have a friend call after the party has started so that you can pretend they need you immediately if the party has turned out lousy.
If all else fails, you can use the simplest technique of them all- distract and depart. The best way to do this is to tell the other partiers that you heard of a great game that involves them closing their eyes, ears, nose, or any other sensory organ, or even hiding in a dark closet in the basement. While they are all busy avoiding seeing you, slip away and run as fast as you can from the party spot. Be quiet but quick. If questioned afterwards, explain that you forgot the rules and went home to check, but that, when you got home, your sister, brother, parent, or neighbor’s cousin’s best friend’s dog had become terribly ill and you didn’t want to spread the bug. She got over the illness and you never received it, of course. If the party was bad enough, the host will simply say, “Oh, I’ve heard of that before. It seems to happen a lot,” and you’ll be perfectly safe. If this doesn’t convince them, simply walk away abruptly and pretend that you’ve forgotten who they are.
Most of all, it is important that you be aware of the party, the host, and other guests. Find out ahead of time about the host’s reputation, personality traits, or weird birthmarks. Ask who else is coming, or even if anyone else will be there. A bad party is even worse if you are the only guest, so make sure you avoid such a situation! One excellent way to find out about the party and how it should be is to ask someone who has been to a party hosted by the same person before. Ask a close friend or relative, someone that you can trust to give you accurate, relevant results. Whatever you do, make sure you know what’s coming to you- or rather, what you are going to.
Pleading insanity, remembering an important appointment, and distracting and departing are all excellent and efficient methods of escaping a bad party. It is even easier, however, to find out early about the party and avoid it all together. Whatever your decision, always have a plan in mind when a party is on, and be prepared for anything!
