Topic ID: 8214
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Poetriez
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 Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 11:13 pm Post subject: is it ok? |
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Is it ok?
Ok to turn the world upside down,
And make the economy frown,
When you can make a choice,
And use your voice.
Is it ok?
Is it ok?
To change what people think,
Even when they are on the brink,
Free falling down the well,
Crashing and gnashing in there cell.
Is it ok?
Is it ok?
To have poor and to have the sad,
When in the end we all turn bad,
Is it ok?
Is it ok?
To say that it needs change,
To make faster brains,
To fall on the ground and say,
Are you ok?
Are you ok,
That’s what we need to see
And for once feel free
Are you ok?
Are you ok,
With what is said
And why don’t some own a bed
When is it ok…..
To act better than the rest
It’s not ok,
The Best don’t know they are, because they are OK. |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 12:39 am Post subject: |
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I don't know much about critiquing lyrics but it seemed to me that yours had a little too many "OK";s in it. I hate it when a song repeats a word over and over again.
But other then that this was nice, keep at it! |
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Poetriez
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| Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 3:03 am Post subject: |
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sadly repeating sells  |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 4:26 am Post subject: |
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Not "ok"....
It should be "okay."
And repeating may and does sell, but don't be a sell out. Write what comes to the heart.  |
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Rei
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| Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 5:06 am Post subject: |
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| Yeah, I'm with Snoink on this one. It's fine to keep in mind what people consider marketable, and very important to those who want to make a career as a writer, but not at the expense of the quality of the writing. That is what I think happened here. Revise this, but ignore what would make it marketable. Keep the same feelings and message, but give it a little less structure, and not be so strict with following a rhyming scheme. |
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Misty
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| Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 8:10 am Post subject: |
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I second Re  and also Snoink. Must always write what comes from the heart, always always. It's not worth writing otherwise. But I also get that you're new at this and you're a promising writer. It took me years to learn to loosen up on the rhyme scheme and structure...You'll get it. |
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Elder Bobo
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| Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 8:23 am Post subject: |
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| I looked at this poem, saw "Is it ok?" like a million times, and died. It's okay (pun not intended) to repeat something, but not so frequently! Tone it down a bit, and then this may be effective. |
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Poetriez
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| Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 8:59 am Post subject: |
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| Yha i know ill proabably revise it its jsut seemded what came out at thre time |
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