Topic ID: 8178
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k3pt
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 Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 12:57 am Post subject: Jealousy. An attempt at a short story. |
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Last edited by k3pt on Tue Jul 29, 2008 5:43 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Misty
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| Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 1:27 am Post subject: |
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Okay, on the whole this was good. But there were a few things:
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| Eying the blinding glisten of her left earring, I indefatigably loathed her. |
hehe...indefatigably, is it? I think this is too big of a word to use in the first sentence.
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She would stroll very vixen-like directly up to the guy and flirtingly caress him on the arm or shoulder.
And suddenly, he’s over me.
It was sickening. |
Lol, that was great. The fact that you kept repeating "it wasn't jealousy" or something similar was awesome too. I have to say, your attempt at a story story is a far cry better than my first attempt. I'll have to keep this story in mind next time I write something. Good job, strong ending, strong beginning, great middle, not too long or too short. Fab! |
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Jiggity
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| Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:02 am Post subject: |
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I thought this was great, very nicely written. And I'll agree with Lynn on this, 'indefatigably' is a mouthful that stands out like a brazen tramp in a crowd of conservative 1950's housewives. It would be best if it was changed. Otherwise, this was cool.
Nicely done. |
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Black Ghost
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| Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:25 am Post subject: |
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Very good short story.
It kept me reading the entire time and I loved the ending. Really good Job!!
-Tony |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 4:47 am Post subject: |
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That was a fun read - I loved the voice of the character; it was distinct.
I've just got a few comments.
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| But whenever I answered a question she’d respond with a more informed, more enthusiastic retort, whereupon the instructor would reply with praise for her. |
You might drop the for her. "With praise" is enough, and the rest drags the cadence of the sentence.
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| Never did she have a blemish, gain a pound, have an astray strand of hair, nothing. |
I very much liked this bit - it'll flow better though if you change the end. SO: ...gain a pound, have a strand of hair astray; nothing.
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| She would stroll very vixen-like directly up to the guy and flirtingly caress him on the arm or shoulder. |
Drop the very, maybe - vixen-like is vivid - and very dulls it, I think, as if insisting she's a vixen. Then, for caress...does this look better? "...flirtingly caress his arm or shoulder." Dropping the 'on' smooths it out again.
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| This girl, with so much misdirected hate toward me, and such awfulness spat in my general direction, was taking up for me! |
This sentence gets sort of wild, out-of-hand. Before the third comma, it sounds fine - then it drags. Perhaps if you want to stress how much invective there is between the two...you might really drop the such awfulness. Then taking up for me - is this meant to be sticking up for me? Or taking my part? I've never heard or read -'taking up for me' as in 'taking my part'.
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| I walked away. Now a few feet behind me, I barely deciphered the sigh and quiet mumble of the same recognizable voice: “I’ve always been so jealous of you,” she said |
Great ending.  It hits the perfect note.
Try being conscious of your adverbs - just as a tip. Some of them seemed a bit out of place in the situation, or a little too long in such a short story. But I loved the vocabulary. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 2:24 am Post subject: |
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Nicely done! It reminded me of short stories I would read in magazines and books -- ALWAYS a good thing. I liked the voice of the character, I liked the style, but the end is what really makes it totally awesome.
I suppose, if I weren't so hyper, I would end the critique like that, but since you seem like one of the most promising writers in recent YWS history, why not go into a little depth? 
First of all, the characters are totally believable. I would have been "her" in this story, mostly because I'm a perfectionist snob, etc., etc., but it was amusing getting into the other perspective; the narrator's view of being overshadowed. So I, as a reader, was placed into the narrator's shoes almost as once. Seeing as I've read a lot of stories, this usually doesn't happen when I read one single short story. So I applaud you!
And the other thing that was equally as awesome: the other character. Too many other writers, once they go on an angsty piece of drivel, forget about the other character, or, if they remember her, they usually portray her in an unequal light. Why? Because they want their own characters to be heros. But... well... that usually does the opposite.
Not so for you! You actually made your other character have something bad about her -- and something good! Though it might sound obvious and you might wonder why I'm even pointing it out, it helps the story that much better.
So yeah! Nice stuff! Getting on to some the other parts:
"indefatigably"
Somebody else pointed this out, but this word makes a little bump in the story -- always bad.
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| I walked away. Now a few feet behind me, I barely deciphered the sigh and quiet mumble of the same recognizable voice: “I’ve always been so jealous of you,” she said. |
I think it would be better to make the last comma a period and get rid of "she said." Makes it more powerful.
Other than that, good! I hope to see you around the site more. |
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