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Star Dust



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Sat May 28, 2011 9:58 pm
Jas says...



~*~

Lila had always liked Manhattan.

She remembered her first visit in short bursts of clarity. Blinding lights against the dark sky illuminated the night, a rat with squinty black eyes stared up at her from the subway tracks and the loud laugh of a woman with red lips and shimmery eyes as she leaned back against a brick wall with a friend, drunk or high or maybe just crazy but she looked so happy.

She remembered a mosaic of golden stars layered across the subway walls, remembered wishing on each star like they were birthday candles. She remembered tiny chipped pieces of the stars on the floor, shining beneath gravel and cigarette butts. She had thought it was star dust, miniscule pieces that fell each time a wish was granted. She raced to the end of the station, hoping the stars would fragment as each step she took became another wish, her mother trailing behind her. She wanted to get on the first car, to see everything first, to discover New York City before anyone else on the train.

She remembered feeling like she was at the top of the world and one step, one push, and she would fall.

She had been ten.

Now, Lila sat on a cold green bench, her wispy hair up in a loose bun, chipped nail polish adorning her fingers. She took a drag of the lit cigarette between her fingers and let the smoke disappear into nothing, before dropping it and stamping it out with the toe of her boots. She had to get to work soon but saw a park and decided to take a cigarette break.

The swings whistled as a breeze blew by and Lila shivered, achingly aware of how useless her thin shirt was in November, the frigid air biting at her exposed arms. Garlic, vinegar and heat drifted out of 'New York's Famous Pizzeria', one of hundreds in a city where all strive to reach fame. The skyscrapers were still bursting with light and yellow taxis advertised perfumes and Broadway shows and strip clubs. People streamed up and down the streets, heads bent down, racing against time to get things done faster than a heartbeat.

That's the thing about New York; it's always busy, always loud, always full of life. Lila had loved it as a little girl and she loved it now, loved that each building held millions of stories, billions of secrets, just waiting to be discovered.

She hadn't come with big city dreams, never thought of singing or acting or modeling. She had come to defy tradition and history, to become the first in her family to do something more with her life, to become someone more than Lila Redrick, receptionist at the family travel agency. It was funny, wasn't it, how her family sent people away to new lands, to new lives, but had never sent one of their own. She refused to raise a family in the same home she grew up in, to die on the same ground she was born on. She wanted something more, to make something beautiful, to contribute to the world. It hadn't happened yet, but Lila was still holding out, still hoping her fairy godmother would grant her that one magic wish.

She had dropped college, told her mother she had gotten a great job as an editor for a fashion magazine, but instead became a barmaid at some cheap hotel called 'A la Maroc' downtown. The pay wasn't bad and she got to live in one of the rooms upstairs; a Russian couple who fought often on her left, a single father of twins on her right. She wasn't a complete liar though. She interned at Mode magazine during the weekdays and lately, her boss had been hinting that she might hire her as an actual writer. It wasn't the worse life and it wasn't the best but it was steadily becoming what she had always dreamed of.

Lila stood, her boots clacked against the grey concrete as she walked out of the park. She headed towards the subway entrance, now reasonably less busy than before, only a few stragglers loitering by the entrance.

She stepped down the stairs and was assaulted by the thick smell of cigarettes, urine and stale air. The walls were stained with illegible graffiti and gold mosiac stars. The concrete floors were marked with blackened gum and empty MetroCards were scattered across the floor like confetti.

After going through the turnstile, Lila walked to the very end of the station, following the gold stars. She passed a man with ratty jeans and oily hair sleeping on the wooden bench and a teenager in all black, bopping her head to the rock music coming from her headphones. She reached a little girl, maybe nine or ten, staring at the litter on the subway tracks. She looked up at Lila, gave her a little smile then turned to look at the stars, her brown hair falling into her face. A woman, her mother, leaned against the wall, reading a subway map.

Lila glanced at the girl and then towards the stars. She wondered whether the girl wanted to be someone else, someone with red lips and smoldering eyes, someone who laughed loudly and intrigued those younger than her, maybe drunk or high, but she looked so happy. She wondered whether the girl ever wished on stars, hoped that they crumbled, dissolved into dust for her wishes.

Lila smiled and hoped she did.

~*~

Spoiler! :
Prompt: A maid in New York City wishes on stars.
Last edited by Jas on Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:38 pm, edited 7 times in total.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Sat May 28, 2011 10:17 pm
LadySpark says...



hai Jazzyyyyyyyy! Here to review!


with a friend, drunk or high or maybe just crazy,

hahahahahahahaaaaaa

millions of stories, millions of secrets

two millions really close together. how bout hundreds or billions for one of them?


maybe drunk or high, but she looked so damn happy.

maybe you meant becuase? becuase but doesn't go here. :)

Well, I have to say the end was very aburpt. Its very clear you spent a lot of time on this story, and I am impressed about how few grammar mistakes that I noticed. You had a nice smooth transtion between timelines, and I liked how clear your charecter was.I felt like I was her, which I really liked. You see that so little now a days. Impressive back story/prologue. I really enjoyed it. The part about stars at the begining was my favorite part. :D I loved all of it!

Like I said, it only had fine points. Yes, there is some stuff that needs fine-tuned but not horribly bad. It was acutally really, really nice. So kudos.

I really enjoyed!
~Pointe
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Sat May 28, 2011 10:24 pm
Yanni1995 says...



Delilah had always liked Manhattan.

She remembered her first time visiting in short bursts of clarity; blinding lights against the dark sky, illuminating the night; a rat, with squinty black eyes, staring up at her from the subway tracks; the loud laugh of a woman, with red lips and shimmery eyes, leaning back against a brick wall with a friend, drunk or high or maybe just crazy, but she looked so happy.
Okay, this whole first paragraph is a mess of commas. Might I suggest another way of writing it? "She remembered her first time visiting in short bursts of clarity. Blinding lights against the dark sky illuminated the night, a rat with squinty black eyes stared up at her from the subway tracks and the loud laugh of a woman with red lip and shimmery eyes as she leaned back against a brick wall with a friend, drunk or high or maybe just crazy but she looked happy."

She remembered a mosiac of golden stars layed across the subway walls, remembered wishing on each star like they were birthday candles as she walked to the end of the station, her mother trailing behind her. She wanted to get on the first car, to see everything first, to discover New York City before anyone else on the train. This paragraph is okay although there are still too many commas. I suggest you break some sentences down into smaller ones or insert reflexive verbs instead of using commas. spelling corrections: mosaic; laid or layered, I'm not sure what you wanted to say for the second word that I highlighted in red.

She remembered feeling like she was at the top of the world and one step, one push, and she would fall.

She had been ten.

Now, Delilah sat on a cold green bench, her wispy hair up in a loose bun, chipped nail polish adorning her fingers. She took a drag of the lit cigarette between her fingers and let the smoke disappear into nothing, before dropping it and stamping it out with her flats. She had to get to work soon but saw a park and decided to take a cigarette break.

The swings whistled as a breeze blew by and Delilah shivered, achingly aware of how useless her thin jacket was in December. Garlic, vinegar and heat drifted out of 'New York's Famous Pizzeria', one of hundreds in a city where all strive to reach fame. The skyscrapers were still bursting with light, and yellow taxis advertised perfumes and Broadway shows and strip clubs. People streamed up and down the streets, heads bent down, racing against time to get things done faster than a heartbeat.

That's the thing about New York; it's always busy, always loud, always full of life. Delilah had loved it as a little girl and she loved it now, loved that each building held millions of stories, millions of secrets, just waiting to be discovered.

She hadn't come with big city dreams, never thought of singing or acting or modeling. She had come to be someone else, to become that loud-laughed woman, maybe drunk or high, but she looked so damn happy. It hadn't happened yet, but Delilah was still holding out, still hoping her fairy godmother would grant her that one magic wish.

She had dropped college, told her mother she had gotten a great job as an editor for a fashion magazine, but instead became a barmaid at some cheap hotel called 'A la Maroc' downtown. The pay wasn't bad and she got to live in one of the rooms upstairs; a Russian couple who fought often on her left, a single father on her right. She wasn't a complete liar though. She interned at Mode magazine during the weekdays and lately, her boss had been hinting that she might hire her as an actual writer. It wasn't the worse life and it wasn't the best but it was steadily becoming what she had always dreamed of.

Delilah stood, her boots clacked against the grey concrete and she walked out of the park. She headed towards the subway entrance, now reasonably less busy than before, only a few stragglers loitering by the entrance. boots? it was a pair of flats on the other paragraph. Be careful. And I think 'and' should be 'as'.

She stepped down the stairs and was assaulted by the thick smell of cigarettes, urine and stale air. The walls were stained with illegible graffiti and gold mosiac stars. The concrete floors were marked with blackened gum and empty MetroCards. -mosaic

After going through the turnstile, Delilah walked to the very end of the station, following the gold stars. Passing a man with ratty jeans and oily hair sleeping on the wooden bench, a teenager in all black, wearing too much eyeliner bopping her head to the obnoxiously loud rock music coming from her headphones, she reached a little girl, maybe nine or ten, staring at the litter at on the subway tracks. She looked up at Delilah, gave her a little smile then turned to look at the stars, her brown hair falling into her face. A woman, her mother, leaned against the wall, reading a subway map.



Delilah glanced at the girl and then towards the stars. She wondered whether the girl wanted to be someone else, someone with red lips and smoldering eyes, someone who laughed loudly and intrigued those younger than her. She wondered whether the girl ever wished on stars.



Delilah smiled and hoped she did.


So overall, it's not really bad. Just the first two paragraphs need a little working over. On other comments, be careful about changing your character's attire. That's it. Good job! It just needs a little polishing. Happy writing!
Writing is not simply 'telling', it is also 'showing'. ~ Yanni1995
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 2:46 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Jasmine! Here for a review!

H'okay, so I think story-wise you do a great job of starting and ending on the same kind of note; you bring it back around in a really neat circle, and that's not always easy to do, so nice job! Your descriptions are well-worded and I get a good feel of the atmosphere you're trying to create. I also get a pretty good picture of Delilah and what motivates her, what her dream is.

However, I feel like the story is lacking something...a sparkle, something that will make it really stand out as unique. I'm guessing this is an entry for the big Writing Contest, based on the fact that you wrote it from a prompt, and while I think it's a viable piece, I also feel like it needs more. Something that'll make it memorable, and make the reader sit back after they're done and say, "Wow! I need to take a moment to absorb that!"

Since you've gone in the direction of making it a stirring, hopeful-sounding piece, I'd say take it as far as you can. Infuse it with more personableness, perhaps, or maybe more at stake. Show us how much this means to Delilah, and how the idea of becoming like that one woman she saw so long ago keeps Delilah going through the toil of daily life.

Also, perhaps you could give a little more about just why Delilah wants so much to become like a potential drunk woman. Is it simply the happiness? Has Delilah never felt that kind of elation before? Is it something she desperately longs for?

All right, so that's all I've got to comment on. Let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot about my review. Cheers! :]
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Sun May 29, 2011 9:06 am
writerwithacause says...



Delilah had always liked Manhattan.


Good start for a short story. I always like it when authors go straight to the point from the beginning. :P

She remembered her first visit in short bursts of clarity. Blinding lights against the dark sky illuminated the night, a rat with squinty black eyes stared up at her from the subway tracks and the loud laugh of a woman with red lip and shimmery eyes as she leaned back against a brick wall with a friend, drunk or high or maybe just crazy but she looked so happy.

She remembered a mosaic of golden stars layered across the subway walls, remembered wishing on each star like they were birthday candles as she walked to the end of the station, her mother trailing behind her. She wanted to get on the first car, to see everything first, to discover New York City before anyone else on the train.


Good description here, really detailed!

And the rest of it is just as good as the beginning. I don't think I can come up with any suggestions, you did very well.
Julie, a sucker for romance, historical fashion, medieval fairs and blues music. Add photography and you already know me 50%. The rest of me you'll discover through my writings and my photos.

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Sun May 29, 2011 9:59 am
xDudettex says...



Hey Jas!

I think this is a great piece. The descriptions were great and, for someone who's never been to NYC, you did a good job of giving me great imagery to set the scene in my head.

As I've gotten here a bit late, and you've already got some great reviews, I don't really have much to say that hasn't already been said. I definitely suggest that you take on board everything that RH has said as she's made some brilliant points - especially where Delilah's motives are concerned. Why does she want to be that woman - has she never really been happy?

She had to get to work soon but saw a park and decided to take a cigarette break.


Okay. When I first read this sentence, I thought her cigarette break was coming to an end and she was leaving the park already. I think a simple re-wording of the sentence can solve this,

'She had to get to work soon but had seen a park and decided to take a cigarette break.'

***

Overall, I think you followed the prompt well and the story had a nice feel to it. You wrote everything from the background to the descriptions, well, and it helped the story to seem more realistic. I could imagine many people out in NYC with the same dream as Delilah.

I hope this review helps and good luck in the contest!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

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Sun May 29, 2011 5:16 pm
highwordman says...



an intriguing piece, with stellar atmosphere at the beginning (pun intended), capturing everything vividly and making the story seem as important as the descriptions- a rare feat. I would encourage a continuation of the piece- otherwise, just some fine tuning is needed.
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 8:03 pm
MandaPanda1031 says...



beautifully written. Someone already did grammer/spelling correcting, so I don't have much to say. Good book, keep writing.
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 10:58 pm
PandaRawr says...



Okay this was interesting to a degree. There was just a hint of anything intersting happening and that's why I kept reading. onestly if I had known how you were going to end it i would have just stopped. My curiosity if anything was going to happen is not what you want. You want your readers to [i] know [i] something is going to happen and on the edge of their seats waiting for it. I suggest you hurry up with another part or add something to this. Otherwise it is just quite pointless.
I really hope I wasn't to harsh I think this has potential.

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Sun Jun 26, 2011 4:27 pm
ToritheMonster says...



Hi there! I won't do nitpicks because it's been done and you said you don't care about grammar and spelling anywho. I'll just tell you my thoughts:

I really liked this. I'ma huge fan of NYC, I try to go there whenever I have the chance. The long plane ride is worth it to me, for all the reasons you said in your story. New York just seems magical, a city full of wishes. I loved your initial mention of the woman with red lips who was laughing. I thought it was great, a lovely tie-in. I don't think you should have mentioned it in the middle, though. I think just the beginning and the end will tie it together, but using a great symbolic thing like that three times reduces its meaning.

Anyway, in conclusion, I think you wrote the hell out of that prompt. You took something that was simple and made it into a lovely story that was a pleasure to read. Just make a few little changes here and there, and I think you'll have yourself a potential winner.

Oh, and I might not name her Delilah. Seems a little to much like a certain song by the Plain White Tees.

Cheers, and keep writing!

-Tori
Honey, you should see me in a crown.
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:54 pm
Jas says...



Thanks Tori, I changed it to Lila because I only realized that it really was like the Plain White Tees song. lololol.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:48 pm
TylynRae says...



Heyo! Here to review as requested =]. I only saw a few grammatical errors. One being in the first paragraph I think. You were talking about a woman with red lips. But instead of Saying red lips, you said red lip. Spelling error maybe? Also in the third to last paragraph, when you're talking about being assaulted by a stench, you use the word floor/ floors twice in the same sentence.

Those were the only errors that I could find that weren't pointed out by others.

The one thing I was a bit iffy on was the story compared to the prompt. I don't know if this is a contest piece or not, but if it is you might want to change a few minor details so the story fits the prompt a bit more.

Other than that, I really didn't see anything wrong with it. It was really well written and seemed to flow nicely. I also liked that you ended it the same way it began. With someone either being drunk or high, but at least happy. It was really nice =] Wonderful job.
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Wed Jun 29, 2011 5:38 pm
theotherone says...



Hello Jas, I'm here as requested! :)

There's already a lot of review here... So I'll try not to repeat what others already said, but I'm sorry if I do.
That was the thing about New York; it was always busy, always loud, always full of life.

This sentence is not a major mistake, but it still bothers me. Since the rest of the story is in past, this should be in past as well. I know New York is still a city, but the sentence just looks out of place to me. :)
Passing a man with ratty jeans and oily hair sleeping on the wooden bench, a teenager in all black, wearing too much eyeliner, bopping her head to the rock music coming from her headphones period. She reached a little girl, maybe nine or ten, staring at the litter on the subway tracks.

This is an awfully long sentence... Try to break it up maybe.

Plot wise it was really good. I liked the ending, how it just makes us remember Lila and her dreams. I think you've written this story beautifully and put a useless yet beautiful details all throughout the story. I really love how I'm feeling like I know Lila, her personality and her life. And I think this is wonderful since it's only a short story, and you can still make us feel that way. Overall you did a great job, and I enjoyed reading your story.

Keep up the great work!

-Other One
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