Young Writers Society

A/N - I haven't written in a while, so I'm really rusty.
Tear it apart, please.

April 21, 2009

You always told me to keep a diary. Something about keeping track of important events, but I always just responded by saying I didn’t need to since I didn’t have the memory of a goldfish like you.

Where are you?

You told me you’d never leave me.

Even when the doctors said the tumor was too big to cut, you said you’d fight it. And we both knew you would win. You always did.

You promised me you’d come back. And, you always kept your promises.

You will come back, right?

I know you will.

April 22, 2009

Your funeral was today.

It’s been a whole day since that heart monitor stopped.

It was so hard to get through a whole day without talking to you. I don’t know how to function without you.

But, I’ll stay strong, I promise. I will be here when you return.

April 23, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I named my diary after you. I remember your eyes. Those endless depths; I would always get so lost in them. You always insisted they were black and you’d get that pout every time I disagreed – even though they were just a very dark brown – and you’d get mad.

But, then I’d hold you and you’d melt into my arms, like you always did.

When are you coming back, love? I miss you.

April 29, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I haven’t had time to write in this lately. I don’t know how you managed to write every day. I just don’t have that kind of talent or dedication, I guess.

But, I promise you, love, I’ll keep track of everything important that happens until you return.
I went to work for the first time since you died today. Everyone seemed really sorry for me, but I don’t really understand why. I know you’ll come back. They just don’t seem to understand.

May 4, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

Happy Anniversary, sweetheart.

You always were surprised that I remembered it.

But, how could I ever forget the best day of my life?

You’ll never guess what happened today, love. I went to the Hunky Dory, just like our first date, and my waitress was Amy.

You remember her, don’t you? Of course you do, you guys were nearly inseparable – I was surprised you didn’t bring her on our dates.

We talked for a bit – she seems to be the only one who understands that you haven’t left me and you will come back. She even wished me happy anniversary.

May 8, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I went out again with Amy today – she said she had a crush on me, but she knows I don’t reciprocate.

I can’t cheat on you like that – I mean, how would it look if you came back and I was roaming around with a different girl?

I could never do that to you, love.

I’ll wait for you – I promise.

July 17, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I saw you today. It was only for a split second, but you were still there.

Amy and I were at an Evanescence concert, listening to your favorite song, My Immortal.

She mentioned you and I turned and – just for a second – Amy disappeared and it was you again.
You whispered the words “be happy” to me.

But, how can I be happy without you, love?

You are my happiness. And I will be happy again when you come back. Really.

November 18, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I think about Amy a lot.

Not nearly as much as you or even with the same passion, but I do like her.

I don’t think I’m in love with her. Not even close to the same way I love you. And, she understands that.

She knew you and she knows what we had have.

Yet, she accepts that. And, maybe we don’t have love, but we do have friendship.

And, maybe that’s enough.

April 21, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

It’s been a whole year since you died and I still miss you just like the first day.

Amy and I have been dating for six months now.

I think I love her. I’ll never love her the way I love you.

And, I’m definitely not in love with her. But, she’s my best friend and she was yours.

And, any connection I have with you is one that I’ll cherish forever.

May 4, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

Amy and I got married today – on our­ anniversary.

Others think we rushed it since we’ve only been dating six months, but they don’t understand that we don’t need time.

I’m not in love with her the way I was with you – the passion, the fire – isn’t there.

Now, it's more like a dim flame of warmth and comfort that we provide each other and that will have to be enough.

I just wish I could see you one more time to make sure I’m doing the right thing, though.

June 19, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

You’re still watching over me, aren’t you?

I can feel you when I cook that pasta you love, or Amy and I listen to some of your CDs.

I dreamt about you today.

Amy and I were holding hands in the Hunky Dory and you were across the room smiling.

I still miss you, sweetheart.

Please come back.

I’d do anything to see you just one more time.

July 27, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

We found out that Amy’s pregnant today.

I can’t even believe it.

I don’t know what else to even write – I’m so in shock.

But, it’s an important day for me, and I know you’d want to know about it.

April 29, 2011

Dear Browneyes,

Amy had her baby today, but it was born a little late, so we haven’t actually seen it yet.

I’m so excited to finally have a family of my own.

They say the baby’s life is in danger, but I know you’ll take care of everything for me. Like a personal guardian angel.

May 1, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

I knew you would come back.

No one else believed me, but I knew.

Amy has green eyes and I have blue.

Yet, Leslie, our baby has brown black ones.

Just like yours.

I love you so much, sweetheart and I knew you would come back to me.

And, I promise you, this time nothing will take you away from me.

Cancer, heartattacks, nothing.

I promise.

You, me, and Amy.

We’re finally one big happy family.

Oaaaaawwweeeehalallallentalwla325a 3523j;51iuawefj This was amazing-sauce!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must admit, it was like an amazing book I couldn't put down. Ever word was suspensful, except for the last one.I felt like you started it just the right way, except maybe you should have let us know sooner that they were married...and maybe let us know it's a guy?!? I'm thinking, Diary=girl, so...wait, girl going out with amy? Just a little clarity at the beginning. Great job, really liked it.

fluteluvr77 wrote:A/N - I haven't written in a while, so I'm really rusty.
Tear it apart, please.

April 21, 2009

You always told me to keep a diary. Something about keeping track of important events, but I always just responded by saying I didn’t need to since I didn’t have the memory of a goldfish like you.

Where are you?

You told me you’d never leave me.

Even when the doctors said the tumor was too big to cut, you said you’d fight it. And we both knew you would win. You always did.

You promised me you’d come back. And, you always kept your promises.

You will come back, right?

I know you will.

April 22, 2009

Your funeral was today.

It’s been a whole day since that heart monitor stopped.

It was so hard to get through a whole day without talking to you. I don’t know how to function without you.

But, I’ll stay strong, I promise. I will be here when you return.

April 23, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I named my diary after you. I remember your eyes. Those endless depths; I would always get so lost in them. You always insisted they were black and you’d get that pout every time I disagreed – even though they were just a very dark brown – and you’d get mad.

But, then I’d hold you and you’d melt into my arms, like you always did.

When are you coming back, love? I miss you.

April 29, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I haven’t had time to write in this lately. I don’t know how you managed to write every day. I just don’t have that kind of talent or dedication, I guess.

But, I promise you, love, I’ll keep track of everything important that happens until you return.
I went to work for the first time since you died today. Everyone seemed really sorry for me, but I don’t really understand why. I know you’ll come back. They just don’t seem to understand.

May 4, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

Happy Anniversary, sweetheart.

You always were surprised that I remembered it.

But, how could I ever forget the best day of my life?

You’ll never guess what happened today, love. I went to the Hunky Dory, just like our first date, and my waitress was Amy.

You remember her, don’t you? Of course you do, you guys were nearly inseparable – I was surprised you didn’t bring her on our dates.

We talked for a bit – she seems to be the only one who understands that you haven’t left me and you will come back. She even wished me happy anniversary.

May 8, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I went out again with Amy today – she said she had a crush on me, but she knows I don’t reciprocate.

I can’t cheat on you like that – I mean, how would it look if you came back and I was roaming around with a different girl?

I could never do that to you, love.

I’ll wait for you – I promise.

July 17, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I saw you today. It was only for a split second, but you were still there.

Amy and I were at an Evanescence concert, listening to your favorite song, My Immortal.

She mentioned you and I turned and – just for a second – Amy disappeared and it was you again.
You whispered the words “be happy” to me.

But, how can I be happy without you, love?

You are my happiness. And I will be happy again when you come back. Really.

November 18, 2009

Dear Browneyes,

I think about Amy a lot.

Not nearly as much as you or even with the same passion, but I do like her.

I don’t think I’m in love with her. Not even close to the same way I love you. And, she understands that.

She knew you and she knows what we had have.

Yet, she accepts that. And, maybe we don’t have love, but we do have friendship.

And, maybe that’s enough.

April 21, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

It’s been a whole year since you died and I still miss you just like the first day.

Amy and I have been dating for six months now.

I think I love her. I’ll never love her the way I love you.

And, I’m definitely not in love with her. But, she’s my best friend and she was yours.

And, any connection I have with you is one that I’ll cherish forever.

May 4, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

Amy and I got married today – on our­ anniversary.

Others think we rushed it since we’ve only been dating six months, but they don’t understand that we don’t need time.

I’m not in love with her the way I was with you – the passion, the fire – isn’t there.

Now, it's more like a dim flame of warmth and comfort that we provide each other and that will have to be enough.

I just wish I could see you one more time to make sure I’m doing the right thing, though.

June 19, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

You’re still watching over me, aren’t you?

I can feel you when I cook that pasta you love, or Amy and I listen to some of your CDs.

I dreamt about you today.

Amy and I were holding hands in the Hunky Dory and you were across the room smiling.

I still miss you, sweetheart.

Please come back.

I’d do anything to see you just one more time.

July 27, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

We found out that Amy’s pregnant today.

I can’t even believe it.

I don’t know what else to even write – I’m so in shock.

But, it’s an important day for me, and I know you’d want to know about it.

April 29, 2011

Dear Browneyes,

Amy had her baby today, but it was born a little late, so we haven’t actually seen it yet.

I’m so excited to finally have a family of my own.

They say the baby’s life is in danger, but I know you’ll take care of everything for me. Like a personal guardian angel.

May 1, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

I knew you would come back.

No one else believed me, but I knew.

Amy has green eyes and I have blue.

Yet, Leslie, our baby has brown black ones.

Just like yours.

I love you so much, sweetheart and I knew you would come back to me.

And, I promise you, this time nothing will take you away from me.

Cancer, heartattacks, nothing.

I promise.

You, me, and Amy.

We’re finally one big happy family.

You said rip it apart so here goes. One small typo, you got one of the years wrong. It says 2010, it should be 2011. Also, could it kill ya to give it more detail?!? I get that it's a short story but still, even for a short story it's a little to short. Try making the diary entries longer or adding more entries to it. Other than that I didn't see anything wrong and I liked it very much.

it was said, very sad. I think that emotion was weaved into your words.

Hey-oh! Reviewing as promised!

I named my diary after you.

This kind of threw me for a loop. I mean, I'm pretty sure the girl's name wasn't "Browneyes", so maybe have "I named my diary after your eyes"? As is, it just sounds a little silly and it jogged me out of the story.

I know your character addresses it in the story itself, about how getting married after six months seems really fast to everyone and all, and I nod to the thoughtfulness to include that, but still... Between that and the constant reminders about how much the narrator still loves Browneyes, it almost sounds like denial or something.

All in all, while I like this idea and it seems really sweet on the surface, I couldn't help but be... disturbed by the end. I mean, in the end, the character really hasn't moved on, to the point where he believes his love interest has reincarnated into his current wife's baby. I mean, did she really? Or is he just imagining that. The first possibility makes this slightly less creepy (if only because it means he's not crazy... still creepy in that, well, weren't they in love? I mean, that's now his kid. The implications, intentional or not, are creepy.) but the second possibility means that he is crazy and deluded and all in all just a little messed up. I have no doubt that he loves his family but still, that's just a little weird.

Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense.

I did like this though. Maybe I just thought about it too hard. XD

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

Flooty!

Seri, so I loved the raw emotion in this. I loved your portrayal of the MC. It sounded good. Onto the review:

You always told me to keep a diary. Something about keeping track of important events, but I always just responded by saying I didn’t need to since I didn’t have the memory of a goldfish like you.

I like the first sentence. It's a strong start. And the second is fine. But the third is a little meh-ish for me. I like the idea behind it, but try rephrasing. I can't put my finger on it, but maybe something a bit more before the last sentence?

Even when the doctors said the tumor was too big to cut, you said you’d fight it. And we both knew you would win. You always did.

See, this looks a lot like you're trying to tell the reader what's going on, rather than your MC's thought flow. Try to build something before you drop the C bomb. The flow from the previous line to this to the next isn't really all that solid, but that can be excused. Your MC isn't expected to be all that coherent, so.

It’s been a whole day since that heart monitor stopped.

Somehow I figured that you know, she had been gone for at least a couple of days before. I can't picture a funeral so soon.But maybe that's just me. >.>

Dear Browneyes,

I like that he calls her Browneyes. But won't it slip out of him to use her name? Besides, Browneyes, doesn't really seem like something you would call a loved one unless you're trying to irritate/tease that person. This is just a personal quip.

I loved May 9th! Nice entry!

Amy and I were at an Evanescence concert, listening to your favorite song, My Immortal.

This sentence seemed to border on 'telling'. Try to rephrase. Make it more personal-ish, I guess.(PS I love that song!)

It's a little weird for the daughter to be a reincarnation, but I do quite like it. Especially since you're not exploring their relation, it's good. ^^
The other thing is the amount. I like the short nature, but I would love a couple more especially in the beginning. I mean, any one who starts a diary, will write sincerely for at least 3/4 days, no? So, that way this would be more realistic.

Anyway, love that you wrote this! It was a great read. Thankyoos!
~Lava

well said

Very nice. Keep it up.

Hey! This looks really good. I noticed that you used "And," a little too repetitively. Try to keep that to a minimum. You can just take the comma out. That works well! Anyway, it was suspenseful and dramatic and I really loved it. As above mentioned, I think there should be more clarity in the beginning. I was thinking it was a girl, so when Amy came in...
Yeah. Anyway, I really liked it and keep up the good work!

One more reason why it's good to stop for a bit and restart... rusty or not, this is better than the sorts of things that you've written before.

Okay, this may just be me and GryphonFledging, but I found this to be really, really creepy! Furthermore, I didn't really see how this could be romantic at all because there was such a big creep factor to overcome for me. Maybe I am just strange? Ugh! I mean, he seems unnaturally obsessed and he doesn't seem to be able to let go and then he sees her in his new child... ugh! I was slightly feeling when reading this, just because of how creepy it was. Like, for instance, when ever he says that he will wait for her and that he isn't cheating or whatever... I kind of want to scream and tell the character: 1) SHE'S DEAD, and 2) if you think you're waiting for her and not cheating... SHE'S DEAD.

And it's just really creepy. I am not sure why he keeps saying that he won't stop being true to her and everything, but it seems weird that he considers himself not cheating on her, yet he is marrying Amy and having children with her. Um. When is having children with someone else not cheating, if you still consider yourself as being faithful to your previous relationship?

Also, I am curious as to what Amy's deal is... why is she with this guy, if he holds her second best? Doesn't she consider it... a bit weird?

Also, what was their relationship before? (Browneyes and the man.) They were obviously lovers of some sort... but how much love was between them? Was it an unrequited love that resembled more of a friendship? Was it a relationship? Was it a marriage? Was their any children involved? That sort of thing. Basically, what was the depth of their connection?

And another thing! At the end, are we supposed to assume that this is a reincarnation thingy? That might change the whole story around... I guess I never quite thought of it that way before (haha, yay for a very Western background of looking at life!) I am not sure if that would make it better or not (it has a sort of weird father-daughter creepy relationship and I am not sure how that would work out when the girl gets older...) but yeah.

Basically, it was a very creepy story for me. O_o

Thanks for all the reviews and likes, guys!(:
I didn't really mean the story in a creepy way, like at all. XD
His daughter wasn't supposed to be as much a reincarnation of the girl he loved at all. It was just meant to show that he saw his love in everyone - from Amy to his daughter.
So, yeah, I might not have conveyed that very well...
I'll definitely fix the titles and maybe lengthen the entries in general soon...

I read it. These sods are wrong in thinking this is creepy. All being said, it was amazing and heartfelt, so much beyond the petty writing that is prevalent on this site. Keep it up!!! I swear you'll be published someday if you transfuse this kind of authenticity into a larger work such as a novel!

*sniffle* I... I so totally did NOT cry. No way T^T I'm not crying. *sniff* I just... my contact itches, that's all!! OKAY I LIED, I'M CRYING!!! T^T

Oh boy. Whoa. That was so... sweet? I don't know how to describe it! It's AWESOMESAUCE!! Oh my god, I love it :3 (even though it made me cry) Wanna know what got me?

Dear Browneyes,

You’re still watching over me, aren’t you?

I can feel you when I cook that pasta you love, or Amy and I listen to some of your CDs.

I dreamt about you today.

Amy and I were holding hands in the Hunky Dory and you were across the room smiling.

I still miss you, sweetheart.

Please come back.

I’d do anything to see you just one more time.

April 29, 2011

Dear Browneyes,

Amy had her baby today, but it was born a little late, so we haven’t actually seen it yet.

I’m so excited to finally have a family of my own.

They say the baby’s life is in danger, but I know you’ll take care of everything for me. Like a personal guardian angel.

May 1, 2010

Dear Browneyes,

I knew you would come back.

No one else believed me, but I knew.

Amy has green eyes and I have blue.

Yet, Leslie, our baby has brown black ones.

Just like yours.

I love you so much, sweetheart and I knew you would come back to me.

Oh yeah. That totally got me T^T The light purple was where I started to get teary eyed, and then the dark blue was where I was full out crying!! T^T IT'S JUST SO... SOO..... DSAHjkdbndjskngbdujsiahbu XP

Also, I didn't think it was creepy AT. ALL. I thought it was super sweet and just definitely touching when the daughter's eyes were like his original lover's eyes. So sweet :3

I really liked this! It's great.

It almost hurt me personally to think that he was still in love with Leslie, when he went on with his life with Amy and had a child with her.

Keep writing! :]

MY FAVORITE SOOOO FAR !

My first time to read romance here at YWS and I really loved it...

I can feel the longing of the speaker, ! It's so good! Nice way to start my morning ... <3

The whole content, the way the speaker believed that browneyes will come back and yes she is!
and she married Amy, just like what browneyes said that he needs to be happy...