Young Writers Society

13.
I sold my faith to the preacher
for a matchbook and a can of worms.
He gave me a little pat on the back and said,
"Only you can choose between the flame and the Fisher of Men."

16.
I sold my body to the girl in 7B.
She gave me some lipstick and hope in return,
and when she drove off I made sure to burn away
the oil in the driveway before my parents came home.

18.
I sold my soul to the clerk at the secondhand store,
left it in the box with my rubber boots and pocketknife.
I didn't feel any better with the check in my pocket
or with the moving boxes in the fireplace.

19.
Even though I had nothing left to offer you,
you gave me your faith, your body, and your soul.
"It's a gift," you said, but when you turned away
I slid a matchbook into your pocket.
I think we are equal now.

Hey! Icy here to review . This poem reminds me of the maths symbol; not sure if that's what you were going for but there it is. I think that if it is what you were aiming for maybe the title should be less than or equal TO nineteen?
But anyway, on to nipicks!

Nightshade wrote:13.
I sold my faith to the preacher
for a matchbook and a can of worms.
He gave me a little pat on the back and said,
"Only you can choose between the flame and the Fisher of Men." Maybe it's just me but I think this line is too long?

16.
I sold my body to that girl down the street.
She gave me some lipstick and hope in return,
and when she drove away I made sure to burn away Avoid repetition of the word 'away'.
the oil in the driveway before my parents came home.

18.
I sold my soul to the clerk at the secondhand store,
left it in the box with my teddy bear and pocketknife.
I didn't feel any better with the check in my pocket
or with the moving boxes in the fireplace. Don't quite understand this stanza, maybe you could explain it more?

19.
Even though I had nothing left to offer you,
you gave me your faith, your body, and your soul.
"It's a gift", you said, but when you turned away
I slid a matchbook into your pocket.
I think we are equal now.

I like the ending but again not quite sure if this is religious or not. A part of me thinks that it is, but then why would a matchbook ever make you equal!! Ack! So many questions!

On the whole though I really liked the format of these stanzas and was actually interested all the way until the end, yay!

You are a good Nightshade.

Mmh. Nice title. Don't change, please. Though I do wish you'd capitalize it properly. /picky

I’m glad that you put the guard rails on this because it gives folks a reason not to say, “Expand”.

I don’t have too much to say about this, actually, but I want to see what I can do without nudging the age constraints out of place. Basically, the way this is set up, it feels like you have a sequence of key changes—each verse carries its own motif, but it all fits into the same rhythm, the same scheme. I don’t really like that, and I think that you can benefit quite a bit from varying your sentence structure, particularly by the idea of changing your anaphora of, “I sold my,” in all three primary stanzas. That’s the most potent issue I can find here, at least the one that’s easiest to pinpoint; however, you actually remedy this pretty well in the remainder of the meat. After those first lines are out of the way, each stanza is fresh and in-and-of itself.

I’m a real fan of the age hints you tossed in, and as I said above, it gives you a good restraint to keep things in check while you edit.

“Girl down the street” brushes cliché’s lips a little too intimately. Throw in an equation to that, but not that.

I’m not a fan of using a teddy bear as a symbol of childhood. It’s a cliché and you know it. Pocketknife is wonderful, though.

The remainders of your images are so fresh and narrative. Gosh. I just want to kiss your mind sometimes. Burning away the oil? Love it.

While I also love the ending momentum—soft, easy, and not blunt at all—I’m not quite sure it all equates completely. The matchbook, as tied back to Stanza 1, carries (at least to me) a hellish sense; and you give the flame to this girlface in return for her everything. If you’re tying back to Stanza 1, then you have a hundred directions this last bit could go, and I think that you may benefit from just one more nudge in the right direction.

But I’m extremely cautious in saying that because you have such a fantastic flow in the end, I don’t want to ruin it.

Eh. You decide; I have enough faith in you by now.

Much love and artistic adoration,

-Ty

Whoah! Nightshade! You had a different avatar when I looked at this the first time! *is taking way too long to actually review this*

First and foremost I’ve two itty bitty nitpicks!

and when she drove away I made sure to burn away

Because of the repetition of “away,” things get a bit repetitive. If I were you , I would just go and cut the second one because you don’t really need it.

"It's a gift", you said,

Just a typo, I’m sure but that first comma should be on the inside of the quotation marks.


So, I like this and dislike this for reasons which I will fill you in on. Probably the biggest reason that I like this is in the format which feels very easy and it’s definitely understandable though I would have liked to see those numbers nose dive near the single digits for a POV of your narrator when they were a bit younger.
I dislike the fact that I can’t completely figure out what’s going on here or how that matchbook ties into things. Perhaps I’m missing something but I would love it if you clued me in.
Otherwise, your language usage is nice and it read very smoothly! *claps*

If you’ve any questions, or if you want to be nice and fill me in on what you were trying to say, a PM or a wall post would be most appreciated!

~lilymoore

I like the first stanza of the poem, but you kind of left me at the rest of it, I didn't really make teh conection. Also who is the girl, also I am confused right now about teh poem. I am not really sure what it is supposed to be, about putting teh box of matches in her pocket. I didn't really get the connection of being even, about. Also I really didn't get the poem, what the theme or main idea was. But think abotu not trying to say away twice in teh same sentence, but it was pretty good teh wording choice, but maybe put a spoiler abotu what it is supposed to be about ot teh theme or something or some clue to help us. Thanks! Don't give up keep writing.

Hey Nightshade.
Thanks for the review request, I love reviewing poetry, I love reading poetry but I'm not great at writing it. So it's a pleasure to hopefully give you some help today.

The only Poetry that I write is fun, quirky poetry about overated things like Inspiration, love and all that jazz. I'm not very good but it's on of those things I'd like to master one day. Hopefully, as time goes on I'll write one decent poem.

Firstly, I'll do a quick re-run of the poem and give me opinion on each stanza, that way it's not too confusing.

First verse;

Nightshade wrote:13.
I sold my faith to the preacher
for a matchbook and a can of worms.
He gave me a little pat on the back and said,
"Only you can choose between the flame and the Fisher of Men."

Aright, As far as the first lines go I think you really grabbed your topic quite fast. I think you might have forgotten that even though you have every little detail mapped out in your head, we don't know what's going on in there. Now, it's an easy mistake to make but one that needs fixing. It's dangerous to write something that confuses your readers. By adding in a little too much un-necessary detail I kind of lost you, and we're only on the firxt stanza. I re-read this a couple of times but still couldn't figure what you were getting at. I came up with this; You have two options,
- You became part of a certain Church
or
- You broke away from your church.
I think that you were going with breaking away from a church? This is one of the problems, it's a bit too hard to read what you want us to read. The topic is pretty vague if at all visible. So I'll comment on the basis someone is breaking away from their church. Firstly, why would you see your faith for a matchbook and some worms? Did the preacher give you them in return? Did you leave your faith to find a life in the fishing industry? I have no idea, to me, faith and worms have no relevence at all. Then, in the last line you say somthing about fishing and flames. I think, you were referring to Hell but again, I can't be sure. Everything is ever so unclear. I think, the best thing to do would be to write this completely and get to the point in a non-confusing way.

16.
I sold my body to the girl in 7B.
She gave me some lipstick and hope in return,
and when she drove off I made sure to burn away
the oil in the driveway before my parents came home.

Alright, this stanza is a bit more clear. I understand that you got a bit naughty with a girl. I now understand that the person you've been referring to is a guy. Alright, first thing thats come easy to me. Next thing, why would a girl give a guy lipstick and hope? I know what you mean here; that the girl left lipstick marks on the guy. What I don't understand is where you get the hope idea. If it's more of a one night stand idea here, where is the hope in that? Wouldn't he feel worthless and empty? If it was love for him, then I kind of understand but the way you put it in the first line; selling your body makes me think otherwise. So again, we're a bit unclear here. The main thing, is getting your point across. So far you haven't stressed this very well which is a big whole in the net.

18.
I sold my soul to the clerk at the secondhand store,
left it in the box with my rubber boots and pocketknife.
I didn't feel any better with the check in my pocket
or with the moving boxes in the fireplace.

This stanza makes not as much as a scrap of sense to me. Selling your soul to what? A clerk? To you mean literally or metaphorically? Did you get a check for something? What? Then you say something about moving boxes and fireplaces. I'm completely lost now. I've no idea what you're doing or what you're going for. I'm not even sure where we started or why. What is the topic you're aiming for? I'm not sure.

19.
Even though I had nothing left to offer you,
you gave me your faith, your body, and your soul.
"It's a gift," you said, but when you turned awayJust a thing I noticed. No comma before but.
I slid a matchbook into your pocket.
I think we are equal now.

Ok, this was the first stanza that might a little bit of sense. Well only the start. I understood about not having anything left to give, and this person (The girl you sold your body to in the 2nd stanza?) is giving you everything back. What I don't get in the slightest is why a matchbox makes things equal? I mean, to you want to set fire to her? Kill her? I don't know, I simply don't know. I can't get my head around it, to be honest, I don't really know what we stared with anymore. Do you understand what I'm saying? Everything is just so unclear and blurry it's hard for anyone to follow this.

Overall,
Ok, at the start I was a little confused but I know a bit about what you wanted to get across and how you wanted it. Now, I'm at the end with not as much as a sliver of understanding. I think this is supposed to be based on something religious. Even before I read the poem, the title confused me. I mean, what? I thought it all might make sense when I read it but unfortunatly it didn't. I think, without being terrible here, this needs a re-write. What we have here is a skeleton with absolutly no flesh. To be honest I can see nothing to work with yet but I know, with your kind of talent, you'll find something. I know that if you de some serious editing and put in a LOT of work this could reach some potential. I'd advise you re-think this and go over what you're exactly trying to achieve here and what topic you're actually trying to Master.

All in All, you did try and you put a lot of effort into this is I'll give you credit for that. Don't give up though because with a good bit of work you could have something here. Keep trying and don't feel down hearted by whatever I've said.

Keep pushing onwards,
Kagi