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musicroxslife
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 Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 3:48 am Post subject: You Forgot |
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Please give me comments on this!
"You Forgot"
By: Lisa (©LC Sounds)
You pushed me away a million miles
I feel like I can't talk to you
Without being put on trial
I'm sorry I can't say I love you
Only because I'm not sure if I do
You say I live in a hicktown
I really can't help it
You say I'm a redneck
I don't think I act like it
But you can never be wrong
Only becuase you live out in California
CHORUS:
You forgot your roots
You forgot who you are
Your own family doesn't even know
Who the hell you are anymore
You always seem to make us blue
And it seems like you lost all of your friends
I'm not going to say I love you
Because I hate the new you
So please go away
And leave us the hell alone
You always care how your hair looks
You always need your clothes to match
You never seem to pick up a book
Like you always use to
You always say what I should be doing in life
And becoming a show manager isn't it
I use to be able to say I love you
But I can't since...
CHORUS x2
So all I have to say is
You pushed me million miles away
From saying I love you
Because...
CHORUS |
Last edited by musicroxslife on Sun Mar 26, 2006 4:09 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Poor Imp
imp forgets what was writ
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| Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 4:00 am Post subject: |
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I like the theme. Very apt. ...I'm trying to hear it, like a song...did you have a melody in mind? (Just curious - do you write songs as well as lyrics?)
A typo in there...
| musicroxlife wrote: |
You pushed me away a million miles
I feel like I can't talk to you
Without being put on trail - trial, right?
I'm sorry I can't say I love you
Only because I'm not sure if I do
You say I live in a hicktown
I really can't help it
You say I'm a redneck
I don't think I act like it
But you can never be wrong
Only becuase you live out in California
CHORUS:
You forgot your roots
You forgot who you are
Your own family doesn't even know
Who the hell you are anymore
You always seem to make us blue
And it seems like you lost all of your friends
I'm not going to say I love you
Because I hate the new you
So please go away
And leave us the hell alone - I can hear it as a violent punctuation to the verse...or just sort of a metaphorical hangnail. Is it yelled?...
You always care how your hair looks
You always need your clothes to match
You never seem to pick up a book
Like you always use to
You always say what I should be doing in life
And becoming a show manager isn't it
I use to be able to say I love you
But I can't since...
CHORUS x2
So all I have to say is
You pushed me million miles away
From saying I love you
Because...
CHORUS |
I like the sound of it. I think you might go deeper, quirk the lyrics to hit more than the surface level distress of the situation. But - as it is - I think it makes a very neat pop song, with a bit more than the common whining themes.
Music makes the song half the time. But - being a writer - I listen for lyrics and my friends always rag me for it. Do you ever write poetry? A bit more meter might also tighten it up, get the point across more concisely. Either way, it was fun read - pop ditty or otherwise.  |
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musicroxslife
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| Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 4:11 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the comments and I try to write poetry but I just can't do it. My friend can and they are just great. I can barly write lyrics as you can tell! And yes that one part is ment to be screamed and I fixed that one word thanks. |
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Shine
My life=Randomness
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| Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 7:03 am Post subject: |
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Good job!
I liked the chorus part and yes of course I liked the theme too.  |
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"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh. |
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musicroxslife
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| Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the nice comment. But you most think there's something wrong with the song. |
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David Guinness
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| Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 4:28 am Post subject: |
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The thing is, writing can always be improved. Always.
Really, the only problems are very little things, especially in keeping the meter of the verse, the rhythm. I would suggest you go through and count the number of syllables in each line and see if they could be a bit more uniform. As a musician, hearing where the pulse should be and seeing it changing instead of staying steady is a little frustrating:
You say I live in a hicktown
I really can't help it ------ I feel this needs one more one-syllable word to fit in the groove of the beat
You say I'm a redneck
I don't think I act like it
The other thing is, some of the lyrics might me modified a bit so that you do not have the same word for a rhyme:
You say I live in a hicktown
I really can't help -it-
You say I'm a redneck
I don't think I act like -it-
Overall, I think it's good (especially the chorus) and I'd like to hear a recording some day.
And I must agree- Music Rox Life! |
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musicroxslife
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 4:38 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you for all of your advice. Usally when people tell me how to write they sound mean and make me feel stupid. But you didn't at all I'm so glad about what you said and I'll think about making the changes. Thanks again for the advice. |
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