Young Writers Society

To clear up all my plot bunnies I've decided to do a series of little poem/stories. Hopefully my Mum will be illustrating them. I just want some help with punctuation and maybe tidying up a few verses as my Mum suggests that towards the end it tails off a little. So I welcome opinions!


‘Where does wind come from?’
A small girl asked her mother,
Eyes twinkling and curious,
As she looked at the adult above her.

‘The wind you ask?
Now there’s a tale,
And if you listen closely,
I’ll tell it without fail.”

At the end of the ocean,
Where the sea meets the sky,
Is a very special island,
That floats way up high.

A race of people there lives,
Hidden from me and you,
They go about their business,
And are experts at what they do.

Who are these people?
You might ask.
They are The Wind Keepers,
But what is their task?

On calm nights,
Just before dawn,
They skim across the sky,
With their nets drawn.

They swoop high,
They swoop low,
Catching the air,
With the best flow.

Then just before you wake,
And your dreams drift away,
The Wind Keepers return,
To the island where they stay.

They store their catch,
In a hollow tree,
But what they do there,
Is a secret to me.

But whenever I feel a breeze,
Or the wind in my hair,
I know that The Wind Keepers,
Have been catching their air.

‘And so little one,
Off to bed,
Or The Wind Keepers will come,
And catch you instead!’

I love this!

Celt reviewing and read for duty!

So. I liked it a lot, especially the fact that you wrote a story into a poem form. However, there were a few places where I got caught. Places like this:

As she looked at the adult above her.

The wording isn't exactly poetic. Change it to something like "grown-up", perhaps? Especially since this appears to be from the little girl's perspective.

A race of people there lives

I know it's fun to play around with word structure, especially on a poem, but it can get affect the flow if done too often. Just change it back to normal.

Other than these, I didn't find anything wrong. I love how folktale-ish the whole story itself is. Either the mother has a really good imagination or this is a part of a legend. Which one is it? I think with enough time and effort, you could even expand this into a novella. Just saying. So that's that, I guess.

Keep up the good work!

Celtica.

Hi Beaks. Sorry this has taken awhile to get to-- I've been busy with some things. Anyway.

A) Simplicity is pretty, but not all the time. So, even though I enjoyed your poem, I still didn't feel everything. Your imagery is okay and I think it could be improved with some more descriptive vocabulary. However, I also get the sense that you don't want to use large words that are a little too descriptive...if you get what I mean It's a tad dull at the moment with these very basic descriptors. I guess you need "in-between" descriptors? I'm obviously at a lack for those right now, too...any questions about this, PM me.

B) Rhythm rocks the dust under my bed. Rhythm is sooo important and just as annoying. For the most part, yours is steady but then it stumbles in a few stanza due to some lacking syllables. For example: the third stanza. Zero in on the third line of that certain stanza. It's a little odd there (with the "Is" starting) and it doesn't really flow as well as the rest of the poem, personally. Other stanzas with meter issues are, perhaps, stanzas 6, 7 and 9.



First off, I know Celti already poked at this, but I'd like to make it clear that you should reverse this order:

A race of people there lives,

It's really awkward here, with it reversed. If the case was that you had to have it like this in order to rhyme or something like that, it'd be okay. But because there is no rhyme for this, it's useless. It's just awkward. Reverse order is nice in certain poems, but not this one, unless it rhymed. And it clearly doesn't. It would work so much better if this was returned to its simple sentence form.

Overall, I thought it was okay. It didn't really strike me as anything fantastic, but I nonetheless enjoyed reading it. You have a good concept here, but I think it could be expanded to be better appreciated.

Yours,
Lavvi

Haha, this is cute! I really like this!

beckiw wrote:To clear up all my plot bunnies I've decided to do a series of little poem/stories. Hopefully my Mum will be illustrating them. I just want some help with punctuation and maybe tidying up a few verses as my Mum suggests that towards the end it tails off a little. So I welcome opinions!


‘Where does wind come from?’
A small girl asked her mother,
Eyes twinkling and curious,
As she looked at the adult above her.

‘The wind you ask?
Now there’s a tale,
And if you listen closely,
I’ll tell it without fail.”

At the end of the ocean,
Where the sea meets the sky,
Is a very special island,
That floats way up high.

A race of people there lives,
Hidden from me and you,
They go about their business,
And are experts at what they do.

Who are these people?
You might ask.
They are The Wind Keepers,
But what is their task?

On calm nights,
Just before dawn,
They skim across the sky,
With their nets drawn.

They swoop high,
They swoop low,
Catching the air,
With the best flow.

Then just before you wake,
And your dreams drift away,
The Wind Keepers return,
To the island where they stay.

They store their catch,
In a hollow tree,
But what they do there,
Is a secret to me.

But whenever I feel a breeze,I
Or the wind in my hair,
I know that The Wind Keepers,
Have been catching their air.

‘And so little one,
Off to bed,
Or The Wind Keepers will come,
And catch you instead!’

Beck, the premise of this poem is interesting but hampered by the fable design you place within it. Why narrate this poem as you've chosen to here? Do you like the effect it has on the rhyme? The problem is with such a design in form you get a limited vein of what you can show and do in the lines you present.

If you insist on syllable counts rhyme, you need masterful choice in theme and words, but even then that lacks the personal connection a reader needs. Where are the descriptions? Where are the vivid worlds of this strange people? How do I experience this newness? As of now you rely too much on secondary elements in hopes of a narrative becoming compelling.

So make this a poem of layers. So make this a poem of senses. So makes this a poem of creation. So make this a poem that compliments as it goes, that means something as it unwinds. Don't tell me. Don't present for me. Shove me straight in with imagery.

I pretty much liked It, just watch the grammar.

~pixie2~
liv,laugh,glow