Young Writers Society

The brown lump of over-turned earth sat smack in the middle of the sprawling green field. A red robin dove from the cloudless sky and landed on the grass a few feet away. Hopping a few times before stopping in front of the freshly carved granite headstone, protruding out of the ground like a looming building. The bird chirped once, a long mournful note that tugged at my heart and threatened the tears I had thought had been cried out. It flew up into the sky and disappeared.
I kneeled down on the soft earth, pulling my black dress over my knees. A cool breeze blew my hair around my face and I placed my hands on the ground.
I could have prevented this.
I could have stopped it, if I hadn’t been so goddamned stupid and selfish and naïve.
But it was too late now, what’s done is done.
Sitting there, on the cold grass, under the blue sky, I promised myself. I would never, could never, think about, look at or talk to Brent Ryans again.
* * * * * *
23 years later
That face was smiling up at me from the counter. The perfect white, award-winning smile. The smile that had won the hearts of millions, including, unfortunately, the heart of my sixteen-year-old daughter. The smile on the face that made me want to scream.

“Sam!” I called, clenching the dishtowel in my hands, “Get your magazine off the counter or I’m throwing it out!” That what I wanted to do, throw it out I mean, I wanted to throw it out and every other magazine like it.

Samantha came bouncing into the room. Her hair pulled up into a high ponytail in the back of her head. Her hair was brown, like her fathers, a traveling journalist. He was in Montana now, doing some story on wild-fires. Samantha was a result of the drunken night of my college graduation party, when my lab partner Bernie and I had gotten a little to close.

He had agreed to stay and help me raise her but it didn’t take long to realize we were better as friends. Now he was off following his dreams. He would send us post cards from everywhere he went.

Samantha snatched the magazine off the counter. I felt instantly relieved, with that face gone. “Can I sleepover at Julia’s tonight?” She asked, spinning her phone around in her hand.

“Will her parents be home?” I asked instinctively.

She rolled her eyes, “Yes, mom.”

I wished there was some way I could know that this was true, that my daughter really would be staying at her friends like she promised but I knew what it was like to be a teenager and to feel indestructible. I just wished there was some way I could protect her. I knew what it was like to get hurt in a way impossible to fix.

“So… is that a yes?” Samantha had her phone propped open, her fingers ready on the buttons. The magazine was stuck under her arm so that only the eyes were showing.

I nodded absently, my eyes locked onto the page. She typed something, snapped her phone closed, and disappeared out of the kitchen with Brent Ryans tucked under her arm.
* * *

It’s not like I wasn’t used to seeing his face everywhere I turned. Samantha was under the impression that she was in love with him, the irony of which was not lost on me. It was about three years ago when I saw him again after all those years.
Samantha had been having a few friends over for the night, and the girls were sitting on the couch watching TV. I had been making popcorn, and watching from the kitchen.

A movie trailer flashed on the screen. “I really wanna see this,” one of Sam’s friends said. It was an action flick, some world ending type. The microwave beeped, signaling that that the popcorn was done.

I grabbed a serving bowl just as Sam giggled, “ooh, your right. He is cute.” I turned my attention back to the screen, where your average hero type was running through crumbling buildings. As the camera zoomed in I saw my daughter was right, he was cute. But as it zoomed in further I was shocked to see Brent’s face, because I had sworn to never look at it again.

Wow, may I just say that I was drawn in immediately? Although I was somewhat confused for a minute about the MC's age, that didn't deter me from reading on.

I look forward to what happens next, and to what happened before :]

Good job *thumbs up*

Hey Boo here!

First off nitpicks, and bear with me because for some reason my font choices ( bold and ect..) aren't working so your going to have to look in the sentences for my nitpicks. You'll see, again very sorry for this, I don't know whats wrong with it.

"Hopping a few times before stopping in front of the freshly carved granite headstone, protruding out of the ground ( Redundant, Protruding already means coming out of or sticking out. Just say something like "protruding from the ground" ) like a looming building."

"The microwave beeped, signaling that that the popcorn was done." ( That is there twice. )

"But as it zoomed in further I was shocked to see Josh’s face, because I had sworn to never look at it again." Alright, two nitpicks here. I don't like that the sentence starts with "But" and honestly you could scrap it, use a different word, or leave it. Its not a huge deal. Two when you say " to never look at it again." It would sound a whole lot better if you said " sworn never to look at it again." Still thats another little thing that you could leave as is.

-----------------------------

Okay Done with nitpicks onto the whole chapter in general.

What I liked: You're writing as a whole is very well put together. The first paragraph was probably my favorite. I like how you throw us into an emotional moment, and create curiosity in our mind of what will happen next.

What I didn't like: Just how the rest of story played out. I mean the scenes made sense, but seemed out of order. You talked about the daughter going to someone else's house, but then the next scene you go back in time? Maybe Forward? I couldn't tell. Should the last scene be before the second? that might make more sense, but then whats the point of the second?

Good Writing, needs some work on the story line, but keep it up!
Wait. PS 23 years? Seems bit much, but depends on how you use it!
Any questions PM me or post on my wall!

-Boo

Hello!

Thought I'd come by and review this! So your premise is interesting. Something happened to your MC, something bad that somehow relates to this Josh character, and now your MC is haunted by the this man who has now become a celebrity. Definitely something original, and not something I have seen before, so points for that. Also, I think the possibilities for plot paths and twists are endless, you could do so much with this.

I would like to commend you for not revealing what happened between your MC and Josh, for keeping us in the dark. Too often I see pieces on this site that reveal everything from the start, leaving no mystery, leaving no reason for folks to keep reading. With this, I want to know what happened, I am intrigued, and will likely read the second chapter. So double points for that as well. ^.^

With that said, I do have some suggestions. I would like to talk about your beginning. While I think the last lines are really powerful, the first lines are rather mediocre. Those first lines would be an excellent way to start off a movie actually, starting with the bird in the graveyard and panning to the devastated girl. However, and I think this might just be a personal preference than anything else, pieces that start with a punch, with a powerful, fantastic, emotional first line can really keep people interested. I feel like you have so much emotion in this piece, and I would lead with that. In short, I would consider omitting the first paragraph, that second part is so strong, I would let it stand on it's own. Just something to think about.

This piece seems to be a lot of back story, you have information about the father, a little more about Josh, but you have very little action. Sam comes down and asks to go to Julia's. That's it. This makes your chapter a little boring, just a lot of info. All that information that can be revealed in little snippets, interspersed with the action. I would concentrate on writing action into this piece, making something happen, and then worry about the backstory. You can reveal bits of info over time, it's generally a good idea to only reveal what readers need to understand the scene. I think you have an interesting back story, so keeping us in the dark, will keep us reading.

Overall, I think this has tons of potential. Your premise is really intriguing. I loved your last sentence as well, packs a great punch. I might just work on putting more plot in the middle because you beginning and end are really powerful. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to PM me.

Audrey

Hi there LittlePrincess. Lavvi in to review as requested. I'm sorry it took so long to get to this but I haven't had much time at all to review anything.

So, without further ado, let's get on with the review.

A) Less information and de-bore. Okay, so I guess this sounds bizarre, but you need to lay off a lot of the detail. In the first sentence I felt like I'd just been immersed in one of those infamous info-dumps. I don't think you need so much description in the first little bit. It should be simplistic for the most part because that's what will attract your audience. If you start out with description, it is dull. I've done this and quite a few people said that they bored by the first paragraph. I find in the first bit of this, it doesn't truly explain what the conflict of this is. To me, it just seems like a bunch of descriptions mushed together and a rather cliche start to a novel, to be blunt.

A) Feel it. After reading this, I felt very...detached, if you can understand. There was no emotion in this. It just felt like words. Just words and nothing special. I feel like I know so little about this characters and I'd like to know more, I really do. This really ties in the famous line: "Show, don't tell." You're telling half the time and now we need some show. But no adjective overload

C) Expand your vocabulary. This is pretty self-explanatory, I think. your vocabulary is fine as it is, but when you're writing, you need intriguing words. But not huge words that aren't used at all. For example, instead of "shining" you could perhaps use "scintillating". A thesaurus can really be handy in times like this. Also, when your vocabulary grows in your writing, it's so much more interesting for the reader.

I found no nitpicks. But maybe I missed them, who knows?

Yours,
Lavvi

Hey there littleprincess,

I know you asked me to review the second chapter, but I've decided to comment on the first also.

I'd have to say that I enjoy your style. You have a good way of letting out your emotions and describing how your mc feels. That being said, we definitely need more.

Your prologue is really tiny. And although it's straight to the point, I have to wonder if it's necessary. Because a few sentences later, your mc is mad to have seen Brent since she swore never to see his face again. I mean, it felt repetitive.

Also, because your scenes are so very short, we don't get to know your characters at all. Does Sam think it odd that her mother is screaming about a magazine or is it something she's used to? Besides the fact that she's protective of her daughter, I don't see any attachement between mother and daughter. And was it necessary to spill our right away that she was the result of a one-night stand? It cheapened her daughter's importance, I find, that the one major thing we find out about her is that she wasn't wanted. Know what I mean?

I think you have much talent, you just need to flesh out your scenes and your characters. Off to the second chapter!

Tanya

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review. Sorry it is so late, but there was a death in the family. Now I am ready to take a peek at your chapters. I will mostly point out grammar mistakes, but at the end I will give you an overall view of what I think of your chapter. On to the meat of your review:

A cool breeze blew my hair around my face and I placed my hands on the ground.

There should be a comma after face because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and. When ever using a conjunction (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) it has to be accompanied by a comma, if not your sentences will turn into one long run-on sentence.

But it was too late now, what’s done is done.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction because it turn your sentence into a fragment. In this case you can re-word the sentence or just take out the word but.

Sitting there, on the cold grass, under the blue sky, I promised myself. I would never, could never, think about, look at or talk to Brent Ryans again.

The first sentence is not a complete sentence because there is no subject. Take out the period after myself making the whole thing just one sentence.

That what I wanted to do, throw it out I mean, I wanted to throw it out and every other magazine like it.

It should be thats (probably just a typo, and to avoid having typos always carefully re-read your work )

He had agreed to stay and help me raise her but it didn’t take long to realize we were better as friends.

There should be a comma after her because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

I wished there was some way I could know that this was true, that my daughter really would be staying at her friends like she promised but I knew what it was like to be a teenager and to feel indestructible.

There should be a comma after promised to avoid this from becoming a run-on sentence.

But as it zoomed in further I was shocked to see Brent’s face, because I had sworn to never look at it again.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction; in this case just take out the word but from the beginning of the story.

Overall: This is a very enjoyable chapter because the language is simplistic, but the mystery is complex. I really want to know more, so on to the next chapter I go

Have a great day, if you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask,
Tiffany

Hiya! Alright so I do review novels (see I'm doing it now :p) but I'd rather start from the beginning than jump in at a random chapter. So. I'm just gonna go ahead and review it all which may take longer (like one review a week) but I'll go right to the end.

Some specific comments first as I read through:

“Sam!” I called, clenching the dishtowel in my hands, “Get your magazine off the counter or I’m throwing it out!” That's what I wanted to do, throw it out I mean, I wanted to throw it out and every other magazine like it.

Samantha came bouncing into the room. [Comma here instead of full stop, otherwise the next sentence sounds much too fragmented. Alternatively you could add a 'was' in between hair and pulled.] Her hair pulled up into a high ponytail in [At would sound better, or on.] the back of her head. Her hair was brown, like her father's, a traveling journalist. He was in Montana now, doing some story on wild-fires. Samantha was a result of the drunken night of my college graduation party, when my lab partner Bernie and I had gotten a little to close.

I grabbed a serving bowl just as Sam giggled, “oOoh, your right. He is cute.” I turned my attention back to the screen, where your average hero type was running through crumbling buildings. As the camera zoomed in I saw my daughter was right, he was cute. But as it zoomed in further I was shocked to see Brent’s face, because I had sworn to never look at it again.

Alright! This is a pretty good start, though you may want to take another look at a few things. Like your opening. I found it to be a little too short and wonder if you even need it since you have the whole 'didn't want to ever see again' in the next chapter. Plus, it would give you some of the mystery back, instead of the reader knowing as soon as you mention the magazine a few times that it's going to be the guy from the earlier part. It would also relieve you of the awkward '23 years later' tag which, by the way, seems an awfully long time. That means the guy must be like 40? 45? I don't know about you but as a teenager, I did not find guys that old attractive. 30's okay but over 40? Noooo.

My next comment is your descriptions. They're nice, especially the one at the beginning, but don't particularly stand out or help us to visualise stuff. You're only giving us the basics like brown hair, ponytail. This makes it real hard for the reader to decide how your character should look. So give us something a little more unusual. Describe the shape of her face or any interesting details about her. Maybe the type of clothing she's wearing?

You've got a good easy going style here. I like the plot. It's quite cool that there's something bad that happened in the past involving a guy and now he's an actor. That makes me want you to keep the prologue in fact but... it would just need to be more, yeah? Maybe expand it, add in more description and a few more details of what went on so that it is actually justified being there. As it is, it doesn't add enough to the story to stay.

Characterisation is something you're probably going to have to look at. It's early yet but even so, your characters don't really have distinctive voices coming through in the dialogue and I didn't get more than a vague idea of their personalities. The daughter seems the typical teenage girl and the mother seems nice but I don't know if she's generally a bossy mum or if she's over protective (currently it seems like just an average amount) or anything about her really. There needs to be something that sets her apart from other mum characters, other than her interesting past.

Well I'll see you a bit later for chapter two,

Heather xxx

Hi,

Okay, a few things. First, I would just like to say good job. You drew me in almost immediately. I am curious to see what happens. Uh, there were grammatical errors, and some things that could've been rewrote to make them even more interesting. Personally, I think you need A LOT more detail. Like, how old is the MC, what does she look like, what does Sam look like? Who is that Brent guy? You know, the typical details. No matter how small. For example, "She glanced over at me with emerald green eyes." Something like that, except actually relating to your story. Now, time to read onward!

Farewell,
A.